


The Meaning In Silence

by ice_hot_13



Category: Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 19:55:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 137,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ice_hot_13/pseuds/ice_hot_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bumblebee's suddenly going after Mikaela with a vengence, and Sam can't figure out why. Turns out, he had no idea what he was getting himself into. (written a long time ago, posted here for archiving purposes)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The hospital lights faded from sight a block away, leaving Sam in the darkness of the street, alone. Every now and then, the sidewalk would be washed with headlights, and then cast into darkness again. He'd already been passed by a friend and asked if he wanted a ride, but Sam had declined. No, he had a ride coming along soon. He didn't mention that he planned to either lecture it to death or ignore it completely. For now, the sound of leaves skittering across the cement was the only offering to fill the silence. The scuffing of his feet against the ground was barely audible, but no doubt his certain someone would be able to pick up on it, no matter how far away he was. From inside a house, Sam heard a girl's scream, making him tense up until it ended in a little girl's high-pitched giggle of delight. The sound continued to reverberate in his mind, leaving him even more shaken. If Mikaela wasn't okay, he'd… he didn't know what he'd do, but seeing as she wasn't that bad off, he didn't think he'd have to do anything, anyways. She was currently back at home after spending more than four hours at the hospital, but even though she was now okay, it all infuriated him to no end. He'd ignored the first, what,  _year?_  So many things could have been somewhat accidental, however, or blamed on coincidence. But now, lines were being crossed in leaps and bounds, and the accused was going to have to put up  _and_ shut up, in terms of offering an explanation and cutting it the hell out.

The quiet rev of an engine soon invaded on the silence, humming along behind him, just out of his sight. Sam clenched his jaw and refused to look.

"I do  _not_ understand why you have such a fucking problem with her!" he snapped out, shoving his hands in his pockets and stalking along. Bumblebee continued to pursue him, engine revving slightly. "And don't even give me that 'our last day together' stuff, cuz you're only going for a month, and you've been doing  _this_  for practically a  _year!"_ He quickened his step, even though it was obviously pointless to try and lose a car. He kept on for another couple blocks, saying nothing, and arrived at the foot of his driveway, maintaining his silence until Bumblebee whined again, engine moaning pitifully. He recognized the sound. "No, Bee, I'm not okay. If you don't quit it, who knows how long she'll stick around?!" A grumbling little sound, "Oh, that had better not be your intent!" He finally spun around to face the yellow car, wishing he had somewhere specific to glare at. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, jaw tight. "I don't know what's gotten into you- if it's anger, boredom, frustration, jealous, whatever, but my God, Bee, she's lucky it's only her ankle that's broken!" Bumblebee inched forward to nose Sam with his bumper. "Maybe it'll be easier without you, before Mikaela breaks her  _neck!"_ Headlights blinked on and off and Bumblebee receded a few feet. The front door of the house opened.

"Son, fighting with your car is not a normal thing to do" His father's voice carried over from the porch. Sam sent one last withering glare at Bumblebee, then stalked across the yard, staying on the path so he wouldn't get his head bitten off again.

"Yeah, well, none of this is." Sam walked into the house, stepping around boxes. "Isn't it a little early to be packing?"

"It's just one month until you have to leave, Sam. And I want to start repainting." His father, blunt as usual, settled back onto the couch beside Sam's mother, unpausing their movie. "Why are you back so late?"

"Hospital." Sam heard a loud rev from the driveway that sounded like a whine, and he spun to face the open living room window. "Quit it, Bee!"

"The hospital?" His mother's eyes widened instantaneously, and Sam held back a sigh.

"Yeah, mom. For Mikaela. She… fell. Broke her ankle. She's fine now, though." He started out of the room, through the maze of empty boxes that were way too numerous, "I'm going to go call her now."

"Tell her we hope she feels better soon!" his mother called after him. He just nodded and continued up the stairs, ignoring the flashes of headlights that appeared on the walls through the window. He heard Bumblebee spinning his wheels on the grass outside in frustration.

Mikaela picked up on the third ring, and her exhaustion was so clear that Sam cringed. "Feeling any better?" He sat on the side of his bed, picking at a loose thread in the bedspread. Guilt had washed over him initially, and it was starting to drown him now, dunking his head under and holding it, at the sound of stress in her voice.

"Yeah. Lots." Such a lie. "Don't worry about me, Sam."

"Oh, okay" He flopped back on the bed. "I won't worry. My car is only out to kill my girlfriend, that's all!"

"It could have been an accident, Sam." Her placating tone was strained, neither could take any comfort in it. "Honestly. I mean, maybe the door locks are broken, and the seats not anchored down properly, and-"

"And you just happened to get  _thrown_ out? He's doing it on purpose. And I'm really, really sorry." He didn't miss the quick flash of yellow just outside his window, and he groaned. Bumblebee was doing a poor job of eavesdropping, as per usual. "He's going to help the Autobots with their city thing tomorrow, so we'll get some peace then." He knew he was being a little too biting, but really, Bee was just so out of hand.

"Gonna miss him?" Mikaela asked curiously. Sam scowled, as her scream echoed through his thoughts again.

"I'll miss having a car for sure. Walking everywhere sucks." There was an absence of sound, and he realized that he was more accustomed to hearing the soft, almost inaudible whir of mechanics that meant an Autobot was present, than the absence of it. He only noticed when it left, and he knew that Bee had just taken off, presumably to sulk in the garage.

"It's weird. He's usually so sweet." To Sam, anyways, she didn't add. Bumblebee had a devotion to him so strong, it was absolutely disturbing to see him out to get Sam's girlfriend with such a vengeance.

"I'll get it sorted out. I promise."

"You going to tell the others about it? I mean, what if it's a…" she fumbled for a word, and Sam filled it in.

"Wiring thing? No, this is all Bee. The only one I need to talk to is him… later."

After he'd bid her goodnight, Sam lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling for a long time, the screams still rebounding in his mind. They'd been driving back from the movies, along Mikaela's favorite road, the one that ran by the lake. He couldn't remember exactly what she'd been saying- something about how glad she was they were dating, he knew that- and then Bee had overridden Sam's controls of the car, jerking to the side, as the door sprang open and Mikaela's seatbelt came loose; the seat had jolted her out, somehow, and she'd flown out, screaming. Sam squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the sight of her paled face, the swelling around her ankle, the way she tried to keep from showing how much pain she was in and truly, utterly failed.

When the soft hum of mechanics returned, Sam closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep, until he succumbed to his exhaustion, and was able to stop pretending.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Even the hospital had more lenient visiting hours than Mikaela's stepmom allowed, Sam thought grudgingly after he hung up the phone. Sure, it made sense that Amy wanted Mikaela to be resting, and not get strained, but, really, a  _time slot?_ He was going to have to book it to get over there, too, because she lived four blocks away, and he was giving his car the silent treatment. It didn't seem to be doing much good, though, as Bumblebee was in the driveway, revving his engine loudly. A glance at the microwave clock told Sam that Bee should have left forty minutes ago, but he'd spent the time lingering in the driveway instead, trying to call Sam's attention to himself. Sam hadn't planned on saying goodbye; apparently, Bee wasn't happy with that plan.

"Okay" he yelled out the window above the sink, "I'll be right out. Just quit that before you wake up my mom!" He rolled his eyes at the mention; nearly twenty and still living at home wasn't something he loved, but in a month, he'd be in the Autobot Watch Lockdown Program- Ratchet called it Autobot Protection, but Sam wasn't buying that, not for one minute- but until then, he had to contend with the fact that his mom was cranky if she woke up before nine on a Sunday. He grabbed his phone and ignored his car keys, then walked outside. His phone rang and he put it to his ear.

"Hello?" He listened to the voice on the other end. "Yes, Mrs. Banes, I'll be on time for the eight-forty-five. Of course." He hung up a few moments later, holding back a sigh. Maybe he was already under some sort of lockdown, and just didn't know it. Bee revved again to regain his attention. "Okay. What is it?" The door swung open, stopping just short of hitting his knees.

"No, I don't want a ride. I'm going to visit Mikaela, I don't want you committing homicide because you just can't help yourself." Another rev, softer this time. He'd never known how many ways a car could use an engine sound to communicate feelings. "You're already practically an hour late." There was a static noise.

"Miss you." The low, broken-up voice came from somewhere in the hood, the sound like he was ripping apart cables. Sam swung the door shut, frowning.

"You're not supposed to talk! Do you want Ratchet frying you with a laser?" He heaved a sigh. "I'll miss you, Bee. You know I will." Even as he said it, he had to fight back that rise of emotion he had a hard time restraining. He had yet to examine it, but seeing as it had been around for as long as Mikaela had, anger was his best bet, and he didn't want to admit to harboring such a rage with his best friend.

The yellow Camaro sped out of sight, and Sam felt the rush of intensity fade away.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Half the reason the repairs to Bumblebee's voice mod were taking so long was due to the lack of dire necessity they used to have. Ratchet didn't seem in any big hurry, seeing as the wifi let Bee speak his mind directly into those of his companions. But enough was enough; Bumblebee spent more time with Sam than anyone else, and, as Bee had put it, as much fun as charades were, there was a reason language had been created.

"I'll be able to do it later." Ratchet assured, after instructing Bumblebee to sit and not move so the cables could be checked. The warehouse they were using as a makeshift home base wasn't set up for a medical centre, as Ratchet often griped, and the complaints were justified- there was nowhere to keep all his tools except on the floor, and the ceiling was too low for anyone's comfort. "The tools at the city will be much better than what I have here." Bee fidgeted and mentally rehearsed his request again. Ratchet looked at him questioningly. "What?"

[Do you really need me here a lot this month?] he finally projected up at Ratchet. Ratchet frowned.

"I suppose not terribly. Why?"

[Thought I'd go back and visit Sam…] he tried to shrug it off, but Ratchet was frowning at him.

"Is that such a good idea? Last I heard, you were being- what was it? Oh- a dangerous nuisance." At the wince from Bee this elicited, Ratchet rolled his eyes, a human trait he'd decided to add to his inventory. "So it is true. I thought she was exaggerating."

[Mikaela told you.] It wasn't a question so much as an exasperated statement. Ratchet nodded, turning to hunt through the tools assembled in the warehouse they were staying in until the city was finished.

"She was worried there was something wrong, but I assured her that, no, nothing was physically wrong." His implication was strong.

[There's nothing  _wrong,_ not emotionally or otherwise.] Speaking in silence had a way of robbing him of expression; Bee wanted to be growling, and all he had was hard silence.

"Whatever you say." He selected a small laser he used for his diagnostics work. "Shall I warn Sam that the main danger to his girlfriend's life is returning to him?"

[Actually…] Bee looked up to expose his throat in response to Ratchet's gesturing, [Don't tell him.] This earned himself a questioning look, and with an inward sigh, he explained, with the utmost reluctance, what he wanted to do.

When he finished, Ratchet stayed silent for a few moments. "Such a bad idea." Ratchet was shaking his head, and Bumblebee could only hope that the disdain wouldn't cause a laser to slip and slice off anything important. "And when he finds out?"

"He  _won't!_ " Bumblebee managed to choke out, around the lasers Ratchet was using to repair the cables, and the whine of metal from the voice mod.

"I swear to you, Bumblebee, talk more and I'll  _confiscate_ the remaining cables. Understand?" Bee could only nod meekly. "Well, if it's what you want, I'll stay out. And so will everyone else." He snapped the laser away, pausing to give Bumblebee a stern look, optics fixing on his face. "I hope you know what you're trying to get yourself into."

Bumblebee just shrugged.

[There's the off chance that I'll require your assistance.]

"Oh, joy" Ratchet fixed Bee with a withering look. "I should have known."


	2. Chapter 2

Sam almost wished Bee had been there to none-too-gently bump Mikaela with a door, or at least to keep him company. He could have contacted Bee, he knew it couldn't be that hard, but, again, the way his heard twisted into convulsions whenever he remembered the screaming made him stop. But all the same, he didn't like being alone on this date. At least, it  _had_  been a date. He'd had to wait three days until Amy would let Mikaela leave the house, and they'd gone to the lake, because she'd always liked just sitting on the sand with him.

The fact that they were always right by the volleyball court had escaped him every time until this one.

He was still trying to figure out whether he wanted Bee to be there or not as he looked around for his girlfriend. Eventually, he decided he didn't, not particularly. Bee's strange behavior had been escalading steadily, from occasional bumps with a door to full-on slamming, to tricks with locks and seatbelts and brakes, and moving just before she could climb in was one of Bee's favorites. Sam frowned and kept looking for her, frown deepening when he found her. Mikaela was talking to one of the shirtless jock boys, one with a volleyball tucked under his arm and a smile on his tan face. She'd spent more time with him than with her actual boyfriend, and Sam was starting to get irritated. Sure, she'd always had a thing for boys with muscles- which he most certainly was not- but it was a little much, to expect him to turn a blind eye and accept the excuse of "he was explaining the volleyball rules to me" when they were specifically out  _on a date._ He continued to sulk about it for the next hour, until a phone call from his mother mercifully called him home.

"Mikaela!" She came over to him, tearing herself away from the jock. "I have to be getting home, there are people over, and-"

"Okay." She brushed her lips over his all-too swiftly, "See you later." She waited until he'd crossed the sand, and then crossed the sand on her crutches- the sight made Sam forget any anger he'd been harboring, as guilt beat it down and took its place- and returned to the volleyball court. Sam supposed he had no right to be complaining about her magnetic attraction to jock boys, seeing as he'd never said so much as a whine about it before, but, really, he thought, shouldn't she  _know_ how it irritated him to no end? Before he could sink deeper into his pouting, he'd arrived home, and knew he'd have to pretend it hadn't happened. His mother adored Mikaela, no way she'd believe that his girlfriend was so shallow.

"Hello!" His mother met him at the door before he'd even opened it. "Have I got the greatest surprise for you!" Sam tried to appear excited, but had a feeling that his reluctance showed. "Oh, come on, this is a  _good_ surprise!" She'd said the same about the new lighting fixtures in the bathroom. And the new socks she'd gotten him. And her new bottle of window cleaner. She led him into the living room, where his dad was talking to two people Sam had never seen before. A man his father's age was seated on the couch, and beside him, a guy Sam's age. Sam glanced him over quickly, trying not to appear too obvious. Dark brown hair that sort of curled where it was long, flopping over eyes that were a dark amber. Finely cut features, pink lips, ski-jump shaped nose, long, dark eyelashes, and Sam felt his heart speed up. He wasn't exactly a Mikaela-attracting jock, but Sam figured he was close enough to draw her attention, should he have gotten close enough. Before he could examine any more, Sam's mother nudged him into the room.

"You must be Sam." The man on the couch nodded to acknowledge him. "Pleasure to meet you. I'm Rachad."

"He's Valerie's husband. You remember, Valerie Winters?" Sam's mother put in helpfully, and Sam nodded like he knew who she was talking about. His mother had more friends than he did, and it certainly wasn't the most reassuring realization to be had. "He was here to ask a favor of you."

"Uh, yeah, sure." Sam looked between his mother and Randall, trying to keep his gaze off the guy who was possibly staring at him. Sam didn't want to look long enough to check.

"It's so nice of you to accept" Rachard said, and Sam realized, not exactly happily, that his mother had already signed him up for whatever it was. "My sister-in-law's son is visiting my wife and I this month." He indicated the guy beside him, and Sam decided he was giving permission to once-over the guy again. Okay, at second glance, maybe he  _was_ Mikaela-attracting material. He wasn't a jock, but apparently, he was well acquainted with the gym. He had on dark jeans and a black T-shirt with a design of yellow paint splattering across it. "And we thought that maybe you could let him hang out with you? He's not getting much practice with English when my wife and I are both at work all day."

"Uh, yeah. Totally. That'd be cool." Sam wondered just how much fun there was to be had when he'd just be packing up boxes and having failures of dates all month long.

"He's from Venice, and he doesn't speak any English" Rachad added, and Sam's heart sank.  _So much for having someone to talk to,_ he thought, looking to his mother questioningly. She pretended not to understand and just smiled encouragingly.

"None at all?" Sam couldn't help but ask. The guy took on a sheepish look, amber eyes downcast.

"He understands everything, but it's much harder to put together sentences yourself, of course." There was a pause. "His name's Calabrone."

Something poked at Sam's conscious thoughts at the name, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what it was.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Who's your friend, baby?" Mikaela hadn't so much as said hello to Sam before she'd seen- Sam mentally tripped every time he thought of the name, because there was something damn familiar about it, like it was just so obvious and he just couldn't see it- Calabrone. She leaned on the bumper of the blue car sitting before her, pulling the hood down. Sam inwardly groaned at the sight; hell, it had seduced him so much that first time, his head had been spinning. Calabrone's rapt attention in their direction seemed to speak of the same- every time Sam glanced over, he saw the amber-eyed gaze flickering away.

"Neighbor's Italian nephew. Calabrone. He's visiting, I think just for June." Sam glanced over his shoulder, to see the guy poking around the auto garage, looking away yet again. "So, did you want to go to that auto shop, or what?"

"Totally."

"You, uh, mind if he tags along?" The question was so much of just a formality that he barely heard her answer of 'yes'. He was going to take the guy along no matter what, and it was for reasons he couldn't explain and refused to call attachment. "It's a stick shift" he said, peering through the window of the car, "You can't drive, with your ankle like that." he gestured towards her cast.

"Can't you drive stick? It's the only car my uncle would lend to me." she tossed her hair over her shoulder and gave him a disappointed look.

"I don't know how." Impulsively, he looked back, "Can you?" It was a lame question; Calabrone was from a city with no cars, after all, and, from the sounds of it- or lack thereof, as he didn't speak a word of English, not one- didn't get out of the city much. Calabrone nodded yes, giving Sam a brilliant smile, then darted forward to open the door for Mikaela. Sam couldn't help a smirk when this action left the passanger seat for himself. Maybe he wasn't going to lose his new friend to his girlfriend after all.

The entire day had been a little off-kilter from what Sam had expected it to be. He was sitting at the kitchen table, head on the table, rolling an orange back and forth in front of his face. Off-kilter was something of an understatement. After losing Mikaela's attention to both Calabrone- the language barrier seemed to render him totally and completely oblivious to her thinly veiled advances- and the guys working at the auto shop she'd wanted to visit- which made him wonder if that was the reason she'd wanted to go- he'd decided that maybe he was dating her for the wrong reasons. Yes, dating such a gorgeous girl made him a lot more respected, but maybe it wasn't quite worth it.

Second, he'd spent more time following random-amber-eyed guy around than hot-girlfriend. And he'd really, really enjoyed it.

Third, how the hell could a guy who lived in the city without cars drive a stick so well?

And fourth and final, that name had been jabbing at him every time he heard it, like a probe extending from somewhere in his memory.

A hand snatched up the orange in mid-roll, and he looked up to see Calabrone, receiving a slight smile. "Hi." His voice was low, almost grating.

"Hey. What's up?" This got him just a shrug, and Calabrone rolled the orange back to him. "So... didja like Mikaela?" he asked. Calabrone shrugged a shoulder, blinking amber eyes at him. "I think she liked you. You really didn't notice, huh?" There was a silence for a few moments.

"Like you better." was all he heard, before Calabrone departed with a shy smile, leaving Sam to puzzle after whether he meant Mikaela liked Sam better, or-

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The state fair didn't seem to be a jock-attracting place- at least, that was what Sam had thought. Despite this extensive research planning, he still ended up sitting on a picnic bench alone, watching Mikaela talk to the guy that owned one of the horses that were in some competition thing. He scowled down at his shoes, tapping his toes against the bench impatiently. He'd been sitting on the tabletop for the better part of an hour. He felt the table move slightly, then a hand touched his shoulder. Sam looked up, to see Calabrone sitting down beside him.

"Hey. Didn't know you were coming out here today." He couldn't help but smile, looking down quickly. His excited mood faded when he saw Mikaela talking to the man-with-a-horse who just  _happened_ to have biceps toned to perfection, as she twirled a lock of her hair around her finger. Calabrone made a little questioning noise, just like the 'are you okay' noise Sam was so used to. "Oh, yeah. She does this to me all the time. I should be used to it." he replied without thinking, or realizing that Calabrone never actually voiced a question. He glanced over, to see Calabrone's curious, concerned look. "I mean, I've been dating her since I was, what eighteen? So I've gotten used to it. Part of dating her, I guess."

At this, Calarbrone mouthed a very bewildered  _why,_ like he was so confused, he couldn't even remember how to speak. Sam shrugged a shoulder.

"Look at her. The guy who dates her gets a lot more respect. And seeing as I wasn't the most popular dude in school, it's really helped decrease the amount of times I have to run for my life so I won't get beaten into the ground. Besides, I only see her during the summer and on webcam during the year."

Calabrone nodded slowly, saying nothing, as usual. Sam couldn't quite figure out what was there, though. It was like Calabrone's silence was saying something to him, like it was a language all its own, and for the life of him, Sam couldn't figure out what he was saying.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam finally started the task of packing up; his mother rolled her eyes at how he started merely a week before he was set to move to the city. On the second day of packing, Calabrone was sitting on his bed, watching him pack and listening to his chattering; Sam had no idea how much he was understanding.

"-my mom thinks I've got a freakin' dragon's hoard of stuff, because she got enough boxes to pack an army in" he reached up a hand into his open desk drawer, feeling around to see if he'd missed anything, and his fingers hit something, "-and of course, my dad's already got buckets of paint, he wants this room to be a gym or something-" He took the thing he'd found out of the drawer; it was the wifi communicator he'd been given, which gave him pause. Okay. He'd held back from calling for the past three weeks. Partly because he'd just been busy, hanging out with Calabrone and trying not to think about how he was going to be leaving home so soon, to go somewhere so far away and so strange. But it was mostly beacuse every time he thought about Bee, Mikaela's scream would wail through his thoughts, letting guilt mix itself with his blood and coarse through him. Sure, he wasn't going to be dating her for much longer, but the whole Bumblebee-turning-psycho thing was, in Sam's book, one hundred percent not okay.

Okay. Maybe more like nintey-five percent, because every now and then, it had felt a little justified.

Sam stared down at the cell phone-like device in his hands. "Just a sec, I have to call someone" he said over his shoulder. Calabrone nodded, then, tilting his head, questioning look on his gorgeous face- the mental description made Sam inwardly cringe; he hadn't been aware he'd gotten it so bad- pointed to the door. "You can stay, don't worry." He pressed one of the buttons, connecting himself to the only Autobot that seemed to care to have the receptors turned on. It was like how some people- like Sam's dad- just never seemed to hear their phone, making the entire concept of calling them entirely useless. The phone rang once, and even then, it was barely an entire ring.

"Sam? is something wrong?" As far as the wifi communicator went, Ratchet was the only reliable Autobot in the bunch, Sam swore on it.

"No, no, nothing. I just..." he trailed off. "Just wanted to, you know, ask how Bee's doing?" He had his back to the boy on his bed, so Sam didn't see the way he looked up, gaze fixed on Sam.

"Just fine. I'd let you talk to him, but he's off with Ironhide right now, working on something."

"Oh. Okay" Sam's shoulders slumped. "It wasn't really important anyways."

"I'd be more than happy to pass on a message, Sam."

"Just... tell him I miss him. That's all." Had he turned, he would have seen the amber eyes brightening with something like delight.

"Of course, Sam."

After he'd hung up, he slipped the device into his pocket and looked over at Calabrone. "Anyways..." He drew in a breath. "Speaking of missing. You're going back to Italy soon, huh?" Calabrone nodded solemly, scooting up to sit on the edge of the bed before him. Sam stayed where he was on his knees, not wanting to shove around boxes so he could stand. "I... I'm really gonna miss you."

The sweet smile he got was his favourite, but it sure didn't make what he wanted to do any easier. The past month with Calabrone had reversed everything he'd thought he could rely on, made him reluctantly admit to things he'd long ago decided to forget about, but, whatever, maybe it was going to be worth it.

"I kind of... there's this thing I sort of really want to know- well, wait, are you, y'know, getting all of this? Cuz if I'm talking too fast, or if I'm using words you don't- well, I don't exactly use long words all the time, because who does, you'd be like a walking dictionary-" he was babbling, he knew it but couldn't really help it, "-so are you getting this? Because if you're not, I can-" He fell silent when Calabrone set a finger on his lips to stop the tumble of words. Okay. Very good start. "You understand?"

"Everything." Calabrone murmured, in that quiet, static-like voice, then gestured for him to go on.

"Okay. Okay. Definitely good. Not like I doubted you or anything, I just wanted to make sure, because, really, I already thought you might not understand, not beacuse of how you don't know enough to speak at all this entire time- but you're great company anyways, seriously, which is funny, how I can seriously, like, be totally crazy about someone who never talks and I hardly know anything about and can't even-" He saw Calabrone's eyes widen, and froze. "Did I just say what I think I just said? Beacuse that was supposed to stay in my head, and I was gonna say something else-"

This time, Calabrone didn't give Sam so much as the opportunity to talk anymore. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sam's. Sam opened his mouth instantly to the probing tongue, moaning at the feel of fingers flicking across his chest. He fisted his hands in the yellow shirt, and when he slipped and fell back, ended up pulling Calabrone on top of him. Not that the guy seemed to mind. He settled himself on top of Sam, one knee between Sam's legs, continuing what was fast becoming the best damn kiss of Sam's entire _life._ The way he moved was like he knew exactly what Sam wanted, like Calabrone already knew him inside and out.

Of course, his mom's footsteps ruined his moment, and seeing as he'd carelessly left the door open, they reluctantly seperated, but Sam had learned his lesson.

Every time he had Calabrone up here for the next week, the door was staying closed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam spotted some books under his desk, pulled them towards him. As much as he'd wanted to let Calabrone keep kissing him, his mother's shout reminded him that he'd finished two boxes out of who  _knew_ how many. Calabrone was sprawled across his bed, one hand dangling off the edge so his fingertips could trail up and down Sam's arm. The touch was doing nothing to keep away the arousal, but Sam wasn't about to complain. It was cute, really, how extremely relaxed Calabrone had become in the past few days, showing Sam that for the past month, he'd been hiding himself behind the polite houseguest act. Sam had decided to definitely not think about the fact that they had only two days left together.

"Found my textbooks. Seriously, I hate when you have to buy these things. I've had two years at college, just  _two_ and already I've got, like, fifteen. Let's see. Chem- hated it- and math- suck at it- and astrology- oh, that was a laugh, I got kicked out on day one- and Bio, and French-"

He stopped.

Looked at the book.

"French."

Turned the pages until they all flopped towards the front, leaving him looking at the glossary of words in the back.

_cajoler [v.]- to coax_

_calamité [n.f.] - misfortune_

_calandre [n.f.]- radiator grill_

_calculer [v.]- to compute_

_calendrier [n.m.]- calendar_

And forgot how to breathe.

Sam couldn't say he'd learned any of the words, but they were telling him something now. "Italian!" He jumped up, shoving the books aside, jolting Calabrone's hand away from him in his rush of excitement. "Mom's textbook!" He raced stumbling out of the room, nearly bashing into the door. A whimpering noise was the only response he got from Calabrone, but he ignored that and sprinted down the stairs; hopefully, his mother wouldn't be in her crying mood, and would be able to help him. "Mom! Mom! Mom!" She was only a little weepy, standing in the kitchen staring at a pot.

"When you were a baby, you liked to play with the pots and pans."

"That's great mom, that's really great, but listen, where's that Italian textbook you tried to teach me Italian with?"

"Tried?" She planted her hands on her hips, narrowing her eyes at him. "Samuel James Witwicky, I would have taught you to be fluent in Italian if you hadn't been so uninterested! I-"

"Okay, mom, yes, you're right, you were a great teacher and I should have paid attention- where is it?"

"The book?" She sniffled and looked down at the saucepan. "You were just so darn cute... you'd sit on the floor for hours and hit the pots with a spoon-"

"Yes, mom, the book! Where is it?"

"Living room bookshelves, probably..." she sniffed again. "God, the racket you made. But it was just so darn cute..."

"Great. Thank you!" He bolted out of the kitchen before she could start crying again. Sam started tearing through the bookcase, trying to be methodical, going through the shelves as fast as he could. The textbook was on the third to last shelf, gathering dust. He pulled it from its slot and flipped through it rapidly. The glossary was on the last few pages, and told him just what he'd thought it might.

Just because he had proof didn't mean it wasn't for a crazy theory, however.

He dashed back upstairs, book in hand, and slammed back into his room, obviously scaring the hell out of Calabrone, who jumped and fell onto the floor next to the bed.

"I'm sorry, you okay?" Sam crawled across the bed awkwardly, book in one hand. Calabrone sat up, resting his chin on the bedspread, gaze on the book. "Yeah, the book! Okay. This is gonna sound crazy, and I know I'm probably wrong- actually, I know I'm wrong- but I just wanna see-" he flipped the pages to the 'C' section, "Look!" He jabbed his finger down at a word. "I knew your name sounded familiar, and I was right! It means-" The rest of his theory caught up with him, and just as it did, he saw Calabrone's eyes widen with horror. "It means- _"_ Sam stammered, staring down at the page. It was right there in the text.

_calabrone [n.m.]: bumblebee._

"You- it- it means Bumblebee."

It didn't just mean that anymore, though. It meant layers of deception and staggering amounts of lies, all from the amber-eyed boy in his room. Sam raised his gaze to find him; he had scooted back until his back was against one of the boxes, one knee bent up towards his chest, looking for all the world like he was about to be under gunfire. The amount of fear seemed unwarranted, however. If he'd just found out about the Autobots, then why bother with the games? It didn't add up. He tried to puzzle it out, but hit dead ends every time. Finding out about the Autobots, okay, and... seducing Sam? He tried again. Finding out about the Autobots, and then... what, trying to get something to blackmail Sam with... to what ends? Could he really be working for the Decepticons? The strangled moan of a sound Sam heard made his eyes widen even more.

His theory was all wrong.

The real one had, if possible, an entire other storm of lies to it. Finding out that his companion was some sort of espionage-worker was one thing, that he'd found out about the Autobots and was out for some sort of blackmail. Sure, he'd have to be worried about the secret being out, feel betrayed by the boy he'd just befriended and fallen for, but he could have dealt with that. That would have been so much easier. That wouldn't have hurt nearly as much.

"You're-" Sam whispered, voice breaking. He could still taste their kiss on his lips, still practically feel those hands on him, the sweetest touch he'd ever felt, but this... this made it hurt, this made everything turn a different, bitter flavor that poisoned every memory it touched, until the bladed ribbon of realization sliced its way down to his heart and destroyed it. The tortured look on that pretty face sealed it and the horrified, tear-filled amber eyes made it a promise neither could break if they tried, but it couldn't be, just  _couldn't_ be, because he was just  _so_   _real._ "Bee?"


	4. Chapter 4

Mikaela had taken the news pretty well. Sam really, really hadn't wanted to break up with her while in the auto garage- seeing as they were surrounded by makeshift  _weapons_ so close at hand to her _-_ but she spent little time elsewhere alone. After he broke it to her- that they were drifting apart and maybe they'd be happier as just friends- she was silent for a moment, looking down at the garage floor. After a few moments of letting him near histrionics from the sheer anxiety, and get dangerously close to it, too, she nodded.

"I guess I saw it coming." Mikaela agreed with a sigh, looking up at his face momentarily before staring back down at the car engine. "You've been real distant." Sam released the breath he'd been holding, barely wiping the relieved grin off his face in time.

"Yeah, and you've been really into other guys." This proved to be the most unwise response he could have found, because not two minutes later, he was panting and gasping for breath, hiding behind a fence so she couldn't throw any more wrenches at him. The screech of tires made him look up from where he was huddled on the ground, terrified she'd come after him in a truck. The yellow Camaro sat in the street, one door open in invitation, as if Bee wanted to pretend he'd really been gone for a month, innocently doing his job. Sam wasn't going to participate in Bumblebee's game.

"Oh, no you don't" Sam picked himself up and started walking. "I am  _not_ talking to you." An engine rev, almost like a whimper. "I can't believe I didn't see straight through all of that! Random boy shows up, nephew to someone I've never even heard of, says he's Italian and yet never speaks a word of Italian, says nothing the entire time because, turns out, his  _voice mod_ isn't working, can drive a car even though he's from a city with  _no cars,_ and you seriously couldn't come up with a better name?!" The shouting earned him a confused look from a woman working in her garden, and she hid behind the picket fence as he walked by, but he ignored her and kept on down the street. "I can't believe you even got my mom in on it. And Ratchet, too? Can you  _all_ do the hologram thing? I swear, you guys don't tell me anything! And seriously, Rachad? That sounds like, the same as Ratchet! And I can't believe you didn't tell me it was you! You came with me when I went out with Mikaela!" He remembered the limits compassion put on him, however, just barely holding back the snap of  _and you could have hurt her again, I never would have let you so close if I'd known it was you!,_ and he was relieved he was able to keep that hated how he was scared his best friend would hurt someone that had been so close to him, hated how Bee had forced the anger onto him. "And you  _lied_ to me!" The strain in his voice made it clear that this was the worse offence committed, and possibly the worst Bumblebee could have found. "Damn it, Bee, why'd you do it? Did you not trust me enough?" This got him a loud, angry rev, that probably should have been called a protest, but Sam ignored it. "Yeah, well, now, I don't trust you either."

Sam stalked along in silence until they got back to his house. Ratchet, car-form, was sitting in his driveway, engine humming quietly. The boxes with Sam's belongings were already packed into the ambulance that was Ratchet, and he was just waiting for Sam to finish up his goodbyes. He'd already said goodbye to his parents, and Mikaela had been at the end of the goodbye list, although he'd decided not to start spreading news of the breakup just yet. No use making his mother cry again; she loved Mikaela.

"You-" Sam walked up to the ambulance, frowning, "Have so much explaining to do!"

"Sam, we really must leave." The voice came from under the hood. "The others are expecting us to be en route already. It is a long drive."

"It can wait two seconds." Sam said. Bumblebee stayed in the street, darting forward and then backward, the car equivalent of pacing. The engine revs were short, quick bursts, like the very sound of anxiety. "What were you guys thinking, sending Bee's hologram to follow me around? Security? What? You could have at least  _told_ me it was him!"

"No, Sam." Ratchet's voice was soothing, even though it didn't work on Sam, given the agitated state he'd achieved. "It was not security. You would have to ask Bumblebee for the reason."

"Yeah. Conveniently, he can't talk."

"I set him up with temporary cables this morning. He can get a couple days out of them. Now, can we leave?" Sam sighed, realizing he was going to get nowhere.

"Fine." Sam took one step towards the Camaro, and the door was flung open so fast it was like desperation. He sighed and climbed in.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The first day of driving had been completely silent. Sam had tried a few times to ask Bee why he'd decided to play holo-exchange-student - Sam wasn't even going to touch the kissing thing, no way, not now- and all he'd gotten was the explanation of "security", even though Ratchet had sworn up and down that it was entirely Bee's doing and had zero relation to security.

The second day, though, during a stop at a rather deserted store, Sam had gotten out of the car to walk around, and had been surprised to see Bee's human hologram hesitantly following him up onto the porch of the shop.

"Okay. You want to talk?" Sam asked. Bee nodded, leaning back against the corner of the porch railing. The look of fear on his face made Sam's heart twist. "Don't look like that. I just want to know why." Before Bee could answer, Sam's cell phone rang.

"Better get that" Bee offered up weakly.

"Wasn't planning on it." Sam glowered at him. The fact that Bee looked even more perfect than before wasn't helping Sam any, he wished he wasn't so distracted by that flawless gorgeousness.

"It's Mikaela" Bee recognized the ring, of course. Sam sighed and picked it up.

"Mikaela? Hi..." He tensed up in defense before realizing that she couldn't throw wrenches across a phone line.

"Hi Sam. Look, I just wanted to apologize."

"It's okay. What I said was kind of out of line."

"No, it was really out of line. I'm not apologizing for being mad, I'm apologizing for trying to kill you with a wrench."

"Okay. I'm sorry for saying what I did. And I forgive you for what you did."

"Did I hit you hard?"

"Not that bad." He had a bruise on the back of his shoulder, but that was about it. "You're a pretty good shot."

"Thanks."

"Forgive me?" He would have to have been blind to have missed the bitter look on Bee's face when he said that.

"Yeah."

"Ankle feeling better?" They talked for a bit more before he hung up, having realized that he had to do something about the tortured look on Bee's face. "Look, Bee, about Mikaela-"

"No!" Bumblebee's sudden lash of anger made Sam fall speechless. Bee's hands clenched into fists, amber eyes darkening with his anger, "I'm sorry I hurt her, Sam, I really am- and I'm so, so sorry that I hurt you by hurting her- and maybe you're right and I was out of line, I know that, but you should have  _seen_ what she was doing to you! I don't care  _how_ many times she apologizes and promises to be different, she's not  _going_ to be! She's going to  _keep_ on hurting you!"

Sam didn't have any response, and the silence pushed Bee into more words, even as the yelling was clearly severing links in cables- or whatever the equivalent was, in the form he was currently in. His voice went from grating to hoarse, so broken up that Sam was sure it was painful for Bee to be speaking, let alone shouting as he was. "You can't think you deserve that, Sam! You can't stay with her!" At his last words, his voice cracked, and he brought a hand to his throat.  _Can't,_ he mouthed silently. He slid down the railing to sit at the bottom, face in his hands. Bee's shoulders were trembling, although he managed to remain silent- or maybe he just didn't have the choice. The sight of Bee's pure misery about made Sam cry. Sam knew he had to find a reply, so he grabbed at the most prominent and hoped he wouldn't regret it.

"You act like you own me, Bee, and you  _don't,_ so quit acting like you do! Stay the hell out of it! First you don't trust me, and now you have to go and meddle in everything?!"

Bad choice.

Bumblebee lifted his head to look up at Sam with tear-filled eyes, the most injured look on his face Sam had ever seen, like there was  _nothing in the world_ worse that Sam could have said, and before Sam could say anything, he vanished; Sam wasn't thinking straight enough to realize that he'd never seen Bee just _disappear_ before. The scream of tires against pavement was heard from behind the store, and the Camaro roared off down the road, spinning up dust. Sam put his hands over his face, swearing under his breath.

"I assume you need a ride?" Ratchet drove up in front of the shop, and a car door popped open. "I'm afraid the boxes take up most of the room."

"It's fine." Sam climbed in, the door shutting behind him. With it closed, he couldn't even hear the distant howl of the Camaro engine. Ratchet let him sit in silence for a mile.

"May I ask what happened?" he said placidly.

"Well..." Sam shifted, leaning against the stack of boxes between the drivers and passanger seat, "I'm not a hundred percent sure. You see, I sort of said something, and I guess... I shouldn't have."

"Very descriptive." Sam wasn't sure whether the Autobots had always used sarcasm, or if it was one of those things they'd just learned from humans.

"I mean... it was freaky, to find out that the guy I'd been hanging out with every day for a month was someone I already knew! Definitely freaky. And the fact that it's my  _car_ I was kissing- freaky!" Ratchet stopped suddenly, and Sam flew forward, hitting his head on the dashboard in front of him. "Give me a _warning,_ would you?"

"Sorry." Ratchet picked up speed again, and Sam hoped the driving would stay smooth. He failed to notice that the radio clicked on, but no music came out. "Would you mind repeating what you just said?"

"Uh, give me a warning?" He recalled back further, "Oh. Well, how could you blame me? It's kind of weird to find out that I was kissing him!" Ratchet was silent. Sam nudged aside boxes so he could see out the windshield, and was just able to catch sight of sunlight glinting off the yellow car, far up ahead. In the dead silence, he could just barely pick up on the screaming engine. "Okay, he's pissed."

"I would suggest-" Ratchet finally said, "that you talk to Bumblebee about his intentions some more. I think I misunderstood."

"What's to not understand?"

"That is a question for him, not me."

"Are you sure? Cuz he wouldn't tell me. I mean, maybe he was going to, but then Mikaela called, and-"

"She called you back there?" Ratchet questioned. "I should have known... what did the conversation consist of?"

"Uh, she apologized for hitting me with a wrench, and I apologized for saying she was really into other guys. Which was true. And, um, I said I forgave her... she said her ankle's getting better... and that's about it."

"And what happened after that?"

"Then, Bee started screaming at me." Sam could still see the hurt look, hear the pained voice. "Said she's been hurting me and I deserve better, and that I shouldn't stay with her." The image of Bee sobbing refused to leave him. He hadn't known Autobots could cry, but then again, he'd been in human form. Maybe that had something to do with it. "And I said... that he doesn't own me. Which was probably not the best thing I could have said."

"You regret it?"

"Yeah. A lot. I mean... what if he really was just looking out for me?"

"Sam" Ratchet interrupted softly, "Let me assure you. It was not a lack of trust that drove Bumblebee come to you the way he did. Whatever it was, it was not mistrust. I can promise you that." Sam drew in a breath, closing his eyes briefly.

"Okay. Well... I guess that makes everything else make sense, too." Sam realized slowly, "He was always bashing into her before, because he wanted to make her leave me. But when she wouldn't, he showed up as a guy to get me away from her and- hey, you think he could like, do that freaky hormone reading thing you do, and figure out if I like Mikaela or just like the rep I get for being with her?"

"Doubtlessly." Ratchet answered.

"Okay. So... I get the game plan now. It was all to get me away from her. That makes more sense. Yeah. Try to get her to leave me by ticking her off. And that didn't work, so he got me away from her by, uh, reminding me that I first went out with her so I could get the rep and sort of forget that I like guys better."

Sam had always half hoped someone would come along to force him out of his path of least resistance. He'd never had the courage to ask out a girl before Mikaela, and certainly never had the strength to ask out a guy. Sam shoved away the guilt this brought up; it didn't matter that his savior had come, because he was just a hologram, and he  _wasn't real,_ and just couldn't count _._ Sam drew in a breath. "Okay. Makes sense. Doesn't really make it okay at  _all_ , but at least it makes sense. Y'know... mostly."

In the distance, the Camaro's engine roared, and the yellow car sped out of sight over the horizon line. Sam didn't see the radio click off, and never knew that the conversation had been sent from the radio before him to the one in the car that had just sped out of transmission range.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam couldn't really complain about the city or the Autobot Protection Program, as Ratchet had so delicately put it. As they'd promised he would, he did feel safer when he was that much closer to the Autobots. After the catastrophe with the Allspark shard- Sam's term, the Autobots called it an  _incident,_ but Sam sure didn't believe that; according to him, an incident was spilling a tray of food on someone, or accidentally throwing something in someone's face, not a near-ending-of-the-world _-_  Sam had been more than ready to call it quits on the plan to lead a normal life. He'd been in the city for a little over a week already; it was impressive, really. The place was like an actual city, as it had been an abandoned military project in alternative building material that had never really gained popularity, due to the unappealing steel-like appearance, and now housed the military personnel who worked on the nearby base.

There was even a small university, which Sam had already started at, mostly so he could have an excuse at hand. He didn't exactly want to come out and say "oh, I'm sort of avoiding my own guardian/best friend" whenever he was asked why he kept disappearing; "Studying" was a much better explanation. The only person it didn't work on was his mother, who'd already called to apologize for being Bumblebee's partner in crime, and ask how the city was working out for him. Her words echoed in his head- "he meant well, honey"- so often that he was starting to wear down, and think about giving up on avoiding Bee. Avoiding him in the beginning hadn't been easy- it had taken a lot of hiding, door locking, and silences- but once Bee had gotten the point, it had been more than effortless. Sam knew Bee had never gone far, remaining close enough to watch over him, but he hadn't so much as seen Bee in a week.

Late in the evening of his tenth day in the city, Sam stepped outside the hotel-like building that had become his new home, looking up and down the street for Bumblebee. Sam didn't see him, not the Autobot form, Camaro, or the hot not-actually-Italian-visitor guy.

"Where  _are_ you, Bee?" He muttered to himself, looking up and down the street. Military personnel hurried about- always in a hurry, always off to do something important- and cars passed, but no flash of yellow. He only stood there for a few minutes before the Camaro purred up in front of him. Sam had been hoping for a form that was easier to drag around, but he'd take what he was given.

"Okay, you." he slid into the drivers seat, "We are going to see Ratchet." The radio flicked on, giving him a short burst of woeful music.

"Why, why, why do you  _do_  this to me..."

"Because you need at least a temporary fix on your voice mod." Sam steered the car towards the medical centre. The same song replayed. "Because... we really need to talk." Dead silence. "Don't give me that." He pulled up at the med centre, at the Autobot entrance. "Let's go." A whiney engine rev sounded as Sam got out. He started towards the building, and before long, heard the footsteps that told him Bee was stalking along behind, the soft whir of mechanics a sound that barely pierced Sam's consciousness.

The rooms of the med centre all had impossibly high ceilings, built like warehouses; it wasn't fully set up yet, unopened crates lying everywhere. They found Ratchet in the next room, setting up what looked like an operating room.

"Hello." He looked between them, setting down the box in his hands. "What brings you here?"

"His voice mod." Sam slanted his head towards Bumblebee, who made a whining noise. "Can't you do one of your temporary fixes again?"

"I can try." Ratchet started going through the multitude of boxes on the floor. "I think I've already unpacked most of the tools needed. Sit." He pointed to a metal platform in the middle of the room and Bee shuffled over, optics downcast. Ratchet looked down at Sam. "This could take several hours, Sam." There was a loud noise from the first room, and Ironhide appeared in the doorway.

"That's the last of the tools, Doctor Ratchet" Ironhide snapped a sarcastic salute at Ratchet. "May I leave?"

"Yes, Ironhide" Ratchet shook his head in exasperation. "You've been  _such_  a great help."

"Great. Sam, are you doing anything right now?" He looked down at Sam, who shrugged and looked up at Ratchet.

"You probably won't want to watch, Sam." Ratchet offered up. "It's a delicate... invasive procedure." Sam grimaced; basically, he was being told that Bee's throat would be split open and have tiny lasers piercing every piece of machinery there, and that the dark liquid that seemed to serve as blood would be everywhere. Sam sighed, looking Ironhide over. His first memory of the Autobot resurfaced, with the glowing cannons hidden in Ironhide's arms pointed at his face.

"Guess I'm not."

"Great!" Ironhide whirred back into a pickup truck, the passanger side door springing open. "I don't want to go clubbing alone."

" _Clubbing?_  Are you crazy?"

"Hurry up. It's nearly eight, it's an hour's drive to the city, and the best clubs open at nine." Sam sighed, cast a last glance up at Bee, who was staring at him unwaveringly.

"You. Come find me later. Please?" Bee nodded yes to his question, radio answering,

"I promise you."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The club was on the top floor of a building, glass windows all around, so the moonlight could filter in and compete with the strobe lights and always lose. Tables were littered alongside the windows, and people were crowded in the center of the room. The most popular dance was one that looked just short of sex on the dance floor, with rotating hips and roaming hands. Sam was torn between finding it repulsive, and something he really wanted to try.

"See that girl?" Ironhide was at the table beside him, nodding discreetly towards a blonde girl, "I danced with her five times."

"Mmm. Congrats." Sam rolled his eyes. "I thought you were in love with that redhead two minutes ago?"

"I said I thought she was cute. That is a long way from loving her." Ironhide explained this as if Sam was the one from another planet. "Speaking of loving..."

"Great" Sam groaned, knowing where this was going. Ironhide drummed his fingers on the glass-topped table, arching an eyebrow.

"Heard about Bee's little holo-adventure with you."

"So that's what we're calling it now? I was thinking holo-deception, but whatever's fine." Sam glared down at the tabletop. Ironhide's martini glass was sitting there, all-but abandoned. Someone or other had gotten it for him, and, as Ironhide had informed Sam, he preferred beer. Sam hadn't bothered to ask just how well educated Ironhide was on the subject of alcohol. He probably got his knowledge on the internet, something Sam was starting to resent. It had given Ratchet mind-numbingly dull information on medical conditions and procedures that he liked describing until Sam wanted to scream, or pass out from the gruesome descriptions and overload of details. It had introduced Skids to his new love, poker, and Sam was losing an increasing number of bets; Skids's twin, Mudflap, had learned way, way too many languages, and had a hard time keeping them all straight, leaving Sam questioning what in the  _world_ he was saying, and Sam just thanked the heavens that Mudflap was finally getting better at it. Sideswipe had taken an obsessive liking to online gaming, and was seldom seen away from a computer during his free time. Even Optimus had fallen victim to the world wide web- he knew more than anyone alive about Earth's elements, reciting them and their properties until Sam made a hasty excuse to leave, at that very moment. And Bumblebee, apparantly, had been learning seduction techniques.

"Deception, huh?" Ironhide traced circles on the tabletop with his fingertip. "I assume you broke up with, uh... Caly... Cala...?"

"Calabrone, as played by Bumblebee. We weren't dating, not exactly." Sam couldn't quite bring himself to say that, yes, he was through with Bee. It wasn't only because he didn't think he could end something that had never started, either. "It wasn't much of anything."  _Liar,_ his thoughts whispered mercilessly, and he couldn't really say whose voice it was in.

"So why'd he do it?"

"Dunno."

"Don't think he's madly in love with you?" Ironhide smirked to show he was kidding, and Sam sighed. "Maybe you've got some secret Bee-attracting hormone."

"Are you crazy? I don't know what he was doing, I'm sure there's some espionage mission involved, or investigation, or Mikaela-attack or whatever."

"Because he's totally the type to commit homicide" Ironhide snorted with laughter. "I'm not sure he even knows what that is."

"I swear he tried to! Man, I don't know what's gotten into him! She broke her ankle because of him!" Sam scowled across the table at Ironhide, who just laughed more.

"Sounds like she deserved it, in my opinion. I would have done a lot worse. Like... with high-speed driving alongside a cliff, and broken door locks-"

"Yeah, well, that's you. Not him." Sam shook his head. "It's weird."

"Still, she'd tick off anyone, from what I heard. Wasn't she basically cheating on you?"

"She was flirting with guys, not cheating, and how do you know all this?" Sam demanded, but Ironhide wasn't one to be intimidated.

"Well, for starters, I stalk you." He deadpanned, and Sam was on the verge of believing him, when Ironhide smirked. "And everyone talks. So why'd you stay with her?"

"Why wouldn't I? She never officially cheated, she was easy to get along with most of the time, and, well, it's not like I had anything else lined up." He shrugged and glanced over Ironhide's shoulder. "That girls' looking at you."

"They all do. Why put up with her for two years?"

"Because" Sam frowned, "I had nothing better, and when anyone sees you with a hot girl, you get respected more."

"Oh. Alright then." Ironhide had spotted some other girl to dance with; his attention had started drifting some time back, Sam realized. "See you in a bit, okay?"

"Uh-huh." Sam mumbled, but Ironhide had already sidled up to the bleached blonde across the room, enticing smile in place.

By ten-thirty, Sam was getting tired of watching Ironhide jump between dancing partners and not doing much else. Ironhide was a master at the hologram trick; he changed from a bleached blonde surfer boy to a dark-haired, tanned guy, to a muscled redheaded jock. The hologram forms were all completely perfect, and if stared at too long, were almost inhuman. Sam couldn't believe he'd managed to miss that about Bee for the month he was around. Maybe Bee's hologram program was different, his hologram form more human?

Currently, Ironhide was trying to be a seductive girl, and, from the looks of it, he was doing quite well.

"Hey there" A woman's voice made Sam look up, and he rolled his eyes. Ironhide had decided to practice his female hologram skills some more, and was currently a blue-eyed brunette that bore a slight resemblance to Mikaela, right down to the way Ironhide's attention was already moving away from Sam.

"Can't you pick one body and stick with it? It's sort of creepy to see you as a girl after seeing you as a guy two seconds ago." Sam said, and Ironhide just laughed, a sweet girl's giggle that seriously disturbed Sam.

"But it's so fun dancing with a girl and then stealing her next dancing partner"

"Devious man."

"The best. I love mind games." Ironhide flicked his long hair over his shoulder, smiling sweetly. "In fact, let's play right now." Sam felt a hand on his shoulder and ignored it. He knew who it was. He also knew what they wanted, and apparantly, Ironhide did too. Bee's hand stayed where it was, even as Ironhide reached out a hand to caress Sam's cheek. Although he didn't look over Sam's shoulder, Sam knew who Ironhide wanted to irritate a reaction out of, and it certainly wasn't Sam himself. Bee's hands dropped to Sam's waist, fingers clutching so hard Sam imagined he already had bruises forming, as Bee rocked his hips against Sam's backside. Sam gasped aloud, head hitting back on Bee's shoulder.

"Shit! What are you doing? We can't do this-" he started to choke out, but Bee just tightened his hold, aware that there wasn't even a shadow of a  _no_ in Sam's voice.  _We can and we damn will,_ his silence seemed to murmur in Sam's ear. Sam tried to form some sort of response, but couldn't think beyond the way every sense screamed at him to let Bumblebee keep doing what he was doing.

Unfortuntely, Ironhide seemed to interpret this as competition. There was no recognition on his face when he glanced at Bee as he leaned forward and kissed Sam, hard. Sam couldn't keep his focus on Ironhide or the kiss, though, because Bee was wrapping his arms around Sam from behind and licking a line up his neck, pulling Sam back against him, the little kitten licks sending shivers through Sam. Before Sam could figure out who to shove off and how to do so before he passed out from the breath-stealing thrill, both released him. Ironhide took a small step back and Bee bumped back against the window, and Sam could feel both gazes challenging him to make his choice. It was like a competition in seduction techniques, Sam thought bitterly, even though there was an unfair advantage for one of the competitors.

It only took a heartbeat of thought, and then Sam turned and swiftly slammed Bee into the glass wall. The shocked, delighted little moan from Bee informed him that his actions were well-received. He crushed his lips against Bee's, letting Bee's hungry kissing continue as Bee clutched at him like he never wanted to let go. Sam didn't want to think about how they shouldn't be doing what they were doing, about how Bumblebee had lied to him, or how he should still be angry. If he didn't think too much into it, he could pretend that none of it had ever happened. It went on for almost a minute, before Sam pulled away.

"Listen, why'd you do it? Last month?" Bumblebee shook his head, pointing to his throat and making a face. "Didn't work?" Bee shook his head no, kissing Sam again. His tongue probed into Sam's mouth, and Sam was powerless for a good two minutes until pulling back. "Come on. Why? Tell me, show me, anything!"

Bee's amber eyes, more yellowy than brown, flickered up to meet Sam's, and he lay a finger on Sam's chest, then ducked his head to kiss along Sam's neck; Sam missed seeing the dark blush that graced Bee's cheeks. Bee didn't look up from what he was doing, dark hair brushing Sam's cheek, completely absorbed in the wet kisses he pressed to Sam's throat. Sam twisted his fingers in Bee's hair, trying to understand Bee's curious responses even as his thoughts blurred by how damn good that felt. Bee's leg slid between Sam's, extending so he could nudge at Sam's crotch. The movement made Sam moan, sinking down, and pressing in closer against Bee's hard body, crushing him against the glass. A hand slipped up to the small of Sam's back, the heel rubbing in soft circles in tune to Bee's kissing.

"I don't get it." Sam repeated, desperation lacing through his voice. Bee seemed perfectly content to keep up what he was doing and not reply. He nudged up with hips, and Sam felt Bee's erection pressed against his thigh, making his breath catch. Forget Ironhide- Bee was definitely the best at holograms, so damn realistic that Sam almost forgot he wasn't real. "Why? Mikaela's gone, you took care of that, I wouldn't even think of going back." Bee rocked his hips against Sam again, and Sam held back a gasp.

"You," Bee rasped out, removing his lips from Sam's skin for that fraction of a second. Suddenly, Sam felt fingers curl over his collar, and he was whipped away before Bee could finish his sentence, and Sam could feel Bee's lost attempt to keep his hold on Sam. Sam stumbled backwards, barely catching a glance of Bee, who was sliding down the glass, looking utterly lost.

"What the hell was that for?" Sam snapped up at Ironhide, who continued to drag him away.

"Bad idea." Ironhide said shortly, as Sam stumbled on his backwards steps.

"Taking me away? Yeah, I'd say so." He tried to turn around, but Ironhide didn't release him, just towed him along through the crowd of people, past the entrance, and into the elevator. Once the doors slid shut, Ironhide's image flickered, then switched back to what seemed to be his favorite hologram, a suave, dark-haired man.

"It's for the best. I'd have done it sooner if I'd realized it was Bumblebee" Ironhide slouched back against the wall of the elevator. Sam's glare didn't lift, and Ironhide heaved a sigh. "Do me a favor and trust me. Just know what you're getting yourself into. Okay?"

"Get myself into? What are you talking about? I'm just-" Sam waved a hand vaguely, as if the abstract motion could somehow convey what he himself could not. Ironhide just looked at him.

"Just promise me, Sam. Don't get in over your head, okay? It's... it's real easy to get into trouble here."

"Here?" Sam repeated, and Ironhide turned his gaze from Sam to the numbers at the top of the elevator, watching them light up, one by one.

"With Bumblebee. You should just... just watch out before you get yourself into something you..." He drew in a deep breath. "...something you can't handle."

Bee, meanwhile, had picked himself up off the floor and ran for the staircase. Thoughts continued to pound through his mind, refusing to leave him alone. He hadn't shown up with the idea to attack Sam in any way he could in his mind. But, seeing that girl talking to Sam, looking so much like Mikaela that Bumblebee had lost his senses, he'd forgotten whatever plan he'd had in the first place. As he sprinted, nearly tripping, down the stairs, taking them two at a time and skidding around the corners, he could still almost feel the glass at his back, taste Sam's skin at his lips. He reached the lobby level and raced out of the building, only to see the black pickup truck already at the sidewalk.

"What do you mean? What do I need to know? Get myself into what?" Sam was asking, the stubbornness in his voice making it clear it wasn't the first time he'd asked the question. The man beside him had to be Ironhide, and he was shaking his head no. Before Bee could reach them, the truck had pulled away. Bee cursed silently, standing on the sidewalk in the midst of a crowd, with no idea what to do next. Following Ironhide's silent suggestion would be a nice place to start, but even with that in mind, he wouldn't know where to begin.

Ironhide had gone in the wrong direction, and decided that he had to pull a U-turn that was punctuated by curses when the other drivers didn't allow for it. The flow of traffic was forcing him to keep going down the block, as he sent several sulky remarks directed towards Sam, who was holding back laughter and doing a very poor job of it.

"No GPS system?" Sam asked innocently, receiving a torrent of curses. "Are you really just good looks and no brains?" Ironhide growled at that.

"While I won't deny that I'm the most sexy being in the universe-"

"Because your hologram program is top-notch"

"-shut up, I made that thing top-notch, and you mark my words, Sam, I would look perfect no matter what program I use."

"Earth to Ironhide, whenever any of you guys are hologram forms, you look freakin' flawless!"

"Anyways, it's not  _my_ fault the directions are confusing!" He finally managed to U-turn and direct them back past the building they had recently left.

Had Sam glanced out the window, he would have seen the figure staring down at the sidewalk, and had he looked closer, he would have noticed that Bumblebee wasn't quite perfect.

But Sam never looked back.


	6. Chapter 6

"I am not going to chain him up. I am not going to lock him in any closets. I am not going to deactivate anything. I am not going to solder anything or any _one_ to a wall. I am not going to steal any limbs. I am not going to sabotage any power supplies. I am not going to leave oil on any floors."

"Can't you at least-"

"I am not going to lock any doors." Ratchet finished sternly, glaring down at Sam. "Any other ridiculous requests? I could always bury Ironhide, it'd be a lot simpler than what you're suggesting."

"Can you?" Sam asked hopefully. Ratchet glowered.

"No." He turned back to the piece of machinery he was working on. "Are all Organics this vengeful?"

"I think it's just me." There was a loud shattering noise from outside, like broken glass.

"I said nothing!" a voice bellowed, followed by the sound of metal crunching and tires screaming. "You little-"

"Or maybe it's not?" Sam barely had time to look around before Ratchet snatched him up and ran outside. There was glass in the parking lot behind the med centre, but Sam only saw that for a second, as the black pickup truck- most of its windshield gone- roared over it, heading after the Camero, which slid sideways away. Skid marks marred the pavement, in designs of wild circles and snaking lines. The military men- the city was crawling with them, and the sight always made Sam feel safer and protected- dove off the sidewalk to avoid the sliding car. The audience dashed backwards, but remained in sight, peeking from behind parked cars and trees to watch. The pickup screeched backwards to prepare for a second hit, then roared forwards. At the last second, Bee shifted from car to robot in a smooth jump sideways, as Ironhide rose up in front of him, hands clenched into fists. Sam's eyes went wide as he watched the normally docile- okay, that theory had been disproved a couple times too many as of late to be true anymore- Bumblebee take a swing at Ironhide, who ducked and shoved Bee backwards. Sam could only guess that Bee's half of the argument was being projected into Ironhide's mind, because the only audible sound from him was his angry growling, about the only sound he could manage.

"I swear it! I wasn't interfering!" This seemed to get him nowhere but bad places, as Bee lunged at him, smashing him into the concrete so hard it cracked. "Okay, so I was, but it was for the common good!" He kicked Bee off of him, sending him backwards in a flash of yellow that came to a shuddering stop halfway through an empty building.

"Stop this!" Ratchet's voice boomed across the lot. Bee looked up, Ratchet froze in mid-swing. It also brought a very irritated Prime over from the weapons and machinery compound. He stood tall before them, a look of absolute fury on his face when he looked between the two fighters.

"This is a disgrace." His voice was hard and drained of any emotion. The audience scrambled to disband, and just about everyone had disappeared within a minute. "You should be ashamed of yourselves. I sincerely hope you can work this out between the two of you." He left it unsaid, but the implication was strong- _because if I have to interfere, it will be hell._ Optimus turned his back on the two, going over to Ratchet and Sam instead. "If I can have a word with you, Sam." He held out his hand for Sam to climb onto, and after Sam did so, walked them away from the med centre.

"What the hell is wrong with you two?!" Ratchet's voice carried over, along with the sound of him smacking one of the two. "I leave you alone for two seconds-"

As soon as they were safely out of earshot, Optimus brought Sam up to eye level. "I am slightly concerned about Bumblebee. He has not been fulfilling his duties as your guardian since you arrived at this city."

"That, uh, might be kind of my fault."

"All the same, Sam, he has been out of hand. He needs to stay near you. We cannot risk your safety."

It wasn't the worst punishment Bee could have gotten, Sam thought as he walked across the lot to tell Bee of the sentence. Judging from the way Bee had been acting, Sam was rather sure that Bee wouldn't mind much.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sam was lying on his bed, throwing a tennis ball against the wall. He'd cornered Bee that morning and sent him to get a temporary voice mod fix, and Bee was due back at any minute. It had taken a good deal of cajoling, begging, and flat-out threatening to get him out the door. Bee's absence was giving Sam ample time to think, and he was starting to think it was time he really, really didn't want. He'd been refusing to think about why he felt that intense surge of emotion when he was near Bee, out of fear for finding it to be anger, something he didn't want to be able to harbor for his best friend. But the past two hours of just lying there and letting his thoughts wander hadn't exactly turned up anything any easier to admit to. It wasn't anger. It was nothing like anger.

Sam leaned off the bed to see out the window that overlooked the street. His room was a lot like a hotel room, two beds and a bath. The front door opening into a small sitting room that led into the second room. There was a large bay window across the wall, near his bed. He leaned further, and was able to see the yellow Camaro park outside. Sam resumed throwing the ball against the wall until he heard the door open and close. Soft footsteps could be heard.

"You're gonna break something if you keep that up." Bee appeared in the doorway, head hung. "You wanted to talk?" His voice still sounded strained, like it could break at any moment. Every time Sam had heard him talk, Bumblebee's voice had sounded different. Sam had yet to hear what it was truly like, when he was in this human-holo form.

"Yeah..." Sam sat up, and Bee shuffled over to sit on the bed across from him. He kept his head bowed, bottom lip caught between his teeth. He looked...  _cute,_ Sam's mind- and certain other parts of his body- informed him unnecessarily. "How long'll the temp fix last?" Bee shrugged a shoulder.

"I dunno." he clenched his jaw slightly. "Ratchet said maybe for today."

"Still hasn't figured out how to fix it?" Sam asked. Bee shook his head no.

"Said he might be gettin' closer. Even though he always says that."

"Oh. Well..." Sam trailed off, then forced himself to go on. No point skirting the subject if he didn't know how long Bee would be able to talk for. "Listen. I was just wondering  _why_ you did all that. Going after Mikaela, pretending to be an exchange student, everything..." Bee kept his gaze downcast.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled, sounding for all the world like he was apologizing for the worst sin in the world, whatever that may have been. "She was just so not right for you, she didn't... appreciate you at all, and I was..." he shifted around, pulling his knees up towards his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "Kinda jealous."

"But why?" Sam could only stare, unable to truly comprehend what Bumblebee was saying.

"Cuz she always,  _always_ got your attention, and-" Bee wouldn't look at Sam, putting his head in his arms so all Sam saw was his dark hair. He mumbled something else that was muffled by the sleeves of his jacket, that sounded like 'nd you think im us a nd alyn rbat."

"And what?" Sam asked quietly. Bee drew his arms tighter around his knees.

"And you think I'm just a weird alien robot." His voice was stony despite its crackling quality, forcedly void of any emotion.

"No" Sam ran his hand down Bee's leg, resting around his ankle, "I think you're a really nice alien robot." His mind refused to allow him to say  _cute_ instead. Bee peered at him from behind his arms, not enough belief visible to assure Sam. "There's a distinct difference. I mean, you're weird, yeah, but in a really good way. Totally different."

"Really?" Sam could just see the lilt of a smile and just the sight released just about any tension he'd been feeling.

"Really. Except you don't really look like much of an alien robot right now. So now you're just...y'know... nice." The way Bee's eyes lit up told Sam that he'd finally, finally hit upon something closer to the answer Bee had sought after. "So that's honestly the reason you were doing all that?"

"Yup." Bee sighed, a blushing tinge to his face. "I mean... it just sucked, because I'm always with you, and watching you guys go on a date and she didn't even care about you... and you still loved her...and it was just frustrating as hell, too, because I can read your hormone levels even if you can't, and it was the weirdest thing, from zero to like, a million."

Bee frowned, eyes darkening with an unhappy thoughtfulness.

"But-" Sam started in, falling silent after a moment.

"She was just the worst to you. I have no idea what the hell she was always thinking, flirting her ass off with every jock to walk by." Bee flopped back to lie on the bed, hands behind his head, like he'd never even heard Sam's protest. "I haven't the faintest clue as to why you stayed with her. She was awful to you. And it's not like she was special or anything. Only thing she had going for her was, what, her smile and long hair? That's it. Her eyes made her look not real." Sam held back a sarcastic comment at that; Bee, currently a hologram, calling Mikaela, a true-blood human being, unreal? "Don't give me that. I didn't say she  _isn't_ real, I said she doesn't  _look_ real. She looks like a freakin' hologram, how they're all shifty and cold and stuff. Look at 'em long enough, and you can tell they're not real. But seriously? You and her was just... hurting you. And you still... apologized. And forgave her." He took on a dark, sulky tone Sam knew by now was masking hurt. " _She_ should be apologizing, and you'd better not forgive her, because she doesn't  _deserve_  you!" Sam could only stare at Bee, the flat-out command taking him by surprise, especially when paired with something so... so purely sweet and devoted.

"I was only apologizing for-" he started, but the quiet growl this evoked made him fall silent. "Man, Bee, why are you so invested in this? I pay attention to you. You're my best friend. I mean, I get the whole guardian thing, and you take it pretty seriously and that's good... but..." Bee said nothing to this, but the way he wouldn't meet Sam's gaze told Sam plenty. "Okay, why are you acting like I'm a million miles off base?"

"You're not" Bee said flatly. "You passed a million some time ago." Sam ran a hand through his hair, looking down at Bee and trying to keep the scowl off his face.

"So, what, a billion?"

"Maybe last month." Bee mumbled. Sam sighed noisily.

"Look, we can't all read hormones here. Wanna clue me in?"

"Actually..." Bee lifted himself up on one elbow to look at Sam for a moment, before dropping back down. "No."

"You've always had my attention as my best friend." Sam could hear the plea in his own voice, but Bee didn't respond to it.

"I know." Bee didn't look at him, even as Sam crawled over around so he could look down at Bee's face. "Besides. D'you know how frustrating it was, to see you dating her? You don't even  _like_ girls."

"Now how the hell do you know something like that?" This earned him half a smile.

"Hormones." Bee chirped.

"I hate them." Sam muttered darkly. A sly smile was flashed up at him. Sam groaned. "Now will you tell me what's wrong?" Again, the dark blush as his smile disappeared.

"Kinda obvious." Bee mumbled reluctantly. Sam sighed, leaning back on his palms. His thoughts flashed back to the club and his bedroom, but it all tied back into his theory, of Bee getting too into his job as a guardian, and that theory was one Bee had already shot down. "If you don't get it, then maybe you shouldn't." Sam sucked in a breath at the cryptic comment, refusing to lose his composure. For all he knew, Bee could have every damn right to be this stubborn. Hell, for all Sam knew, he could have been torturing Bee somehow all along. And the way Bee was acting about Mikaela, he must've wanted to scream all along, and only a mix between forced vocal silence and restraint kept him quiet.

"You don't want to be just best friends, do you?" Sam asked softly, leaning forward. Bee frowned, turning on his side, away from Sam and curling up. "Bumblebee..."

Bee coughed, trying to say something, and then giving up. He shrugged a shoulder instead. Sam drew in a breath, trying to steady himself even as his heart skipped beats wildly. "It wasn't just to get me away from her, was it?"  _I think... what if it was to get me, period?_ He sighed at the lack of response he got. Apparently, Bee was not about to admit anything aloud, probably for fear of being shot down.

"Doesn't matter. I'm your guardian, I'm already asking a lot to be considered a friend." Bee's voice had reduced to a hoarse whisper. So much for the day fix, Sam thought with disappointment. It had barely been an hour. The quiet conviction in Bee's rusty voice made Sam's heart twist; Bee believed in what he was saying, with an assuredness that was crippling and heart-wrenching at the same time.

"Asking? Damn, Bee, I want you to be. Neither of us asked for this-" Sam backtracked quickly, seeing the way Bee tensed up, "as in, neither of us had to ask to be friends. It just... happened. Because we just... fit together like that." Bee relaxed slightly, but only marginally. "Now, c'mon. What do you want?" He didn't see Bee's hurt look at his soft tone. Bee thought it was like he was trying to coax something dangerous, trying to gentle an animal, trying to plea his way into allowing some sort of compromise. Bumblebee didn't want Sam to give him what he wanted out of sympathy or pity. It would be more of a stab than a peace offering.

"I told you. It doesn't matter." Bee snarled from somewhere deep in his throat to hide the hitch in his voice, "Don't just... just indulge me and my pathetic whims. I don't want that and it doesn't matter what I want, because I'm here to be your guardian and nothing else. I'm not here to make your life harder." It would have been easier to take if he'd just been acting angry and bitter, using sarcasm and dramatics to get his point across, but he wasn't, and it was his sharp honesty and conviction that truly got to Sam.

"You don't, you're not just that, and it  _does_ matter."

"Did you mean what you said about not trusting me?" The question made Sam pause.

"I was a jerk for saying that. No, I don't mean it. I was just mad." He could see how relieved Bee was to hear this, but had to plunge on anyways, "Now would you tell me what you  _want?"_ At the reminder of Sam's desired topic, Bee tensed again, brighter mood gone.

"No. Weird alien robot, remember?"

"Okay, it was a bad choice of words!" Sam threw his hands into the air, making a face. "Back then, I didn't know anything about you guys. I had no idea that we're practically the same. I didn't know it was possible to be so close to an Autobot, or become friends with one, or fall for one, but I  _do_ now, and I really, really didn't mean what I said back then." Bee looked over his shoulder at Sam, studying him for a moment, then turned onto his back to look at him fully.

"Do you-" he coughed, one hand on his throat, going on in a pained voice, words fading away as he spoke "do you mean what you just said right now?" Sam positioned himself over Bee, planting his hands on either side of Bee.

"Yeah. I'm serious. Wanna give me an answer now as to what you want? If you so much as think that it doesn't matter one more time, I'll beat your ass, got that? We're gonna work on the whole you actually believing it thing later, because for the  _last time,_ you're not just a guardian. Now... what do you want? Tell me."

"I did already." Bee was barely able to make the word audible, his voice a raw strain, "You." Bee blinked big amber eyes up at him, waiting with far too much anxiety for Sam's liking. He grinned and leaned down to kiss Bee.

"You know, Optimus said you had to stay with me. Like, right here with me." He said. Bee gave him that sweet, beautiful smile, yanking him down and kissing him hard, arms wrapping around him.  _I'll stay,_ his silence said, as they kissed and his hands roamed down Sam's chest,  _I'll stay right here._

Sam didn't have to ask Bee to say the words concealed in his silent reply; it was like he'd finally started to understand Bumblebee's language of silence.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ratchet was silent for so long after Ironhide spoke that Ironhide was certain the other Autobot hadn't heard him.

"I thought it might be something like that." Ratchet then said quietly, turning his back to Ironhide. "And I'd really hoped it wasn't. You're sure?"

"Of course I'm sure." Ironhide watched Ratchet pick through the shelves of tools. The weapons storehouse was lined with shelves, most of them a disorganized mess at present. In Ironhide's opinion- which was also the popular going opinion- Ratchet was doomed before he'd started. It was the epitome of all lost causes. "You didn't see him, it was like..." he held up a hand, lost for words. "Look. Obviously, this means a hell of a lot to him."

"That's exactly what I didn't want to happen." Ratchet turned back to look at Ironhide, who, Ratchet noticed for the first time, was sprawled on top of an old car. "I hope we didn't need that car."

"Nope. Gutted it for fun." Ironhide said, getting only a familiar sigh in reply. "Well, maybe it'll be fine."

"That car's destroyed. There is no chance it's fine."

"Not the car. Them." He waved a hand, as if to somehow indicate the pair in question. "Maybe?"

"I don't know." Ratchet shook his head. He hadn't been there to see what Ironhide had witnessed at the club, but from the way Ironhide described it, he knew what it meant. Perhaps the worst part was that it had a smidge of potential to be something great, something unbeaten by anything else. It was unbearable, because there was the truth that erased any possibility of it happening the way it should have. "It means more than the world to him."

"So what? Maybe they both care that much."

"Possibly." Ratchet didn't sound like he'd ever thought the statement could be true. "But for that to be true, both would have to be fully aware of the entire situation."

"So how much does he know?" Ironhide asked. "I mean, he can't know  _nothing_ , right?" The incredulous tone made it clear that even the idea of what he was suggesting was unspeakable. Ratchet just sighed, thinking of the heartache he was sure would follow soon enough.

"Sam knows absolutely nothing of it."


	7. Chapter 7

Sam tried to evaluate how well off he was, glancing up at Skids momentarily. The Autobot was staring at him intently, optics bright. It was more than unnerving, and Sam ducked his head again.

"You have two more seconds before I show you what it's like to be incinerated." Skids growled. He leveled a glowing cannon at Sam's face to demonstrate his point. Sam bit his lip, looking away from the blazing yellow light.

"Fine, fine." He threw a handful of poker chips out onto the table between them. "Call." When Skids laughed, Sam knew he was doomed.

"I win!" He held up his cards to show them off. Sam was amazed at the dexterity the Autobots had sometimes, as Skids fanned out the winning hand to flaunt it properly. Sam groaned.

"That's the last game I'm playing, okay?"

"Aw, man, you're no fun." Skids collected the last of Sam's poker chips.

"I've got no more time left to bet! I already owe you seventeen pairs of new tires, six waxings, and  _forty-seven_ car washes! I'll be busy until doomsday!"

"Looks like that might come sooner than you think" Sideswipe had been watching them and simultaneously looking up gaming strategies online. When Sam looked at him, he pointed out the window of the Autobot hanger. Bumblebee had been outside, trying to fix one of the transport vehicles in the last light of the day; Sam hadn't seen much of him all day. What concerned him, however, was the fact that Ironhide was walking up to Bee.

"Oh, this should be good" Sam groaned, putting his head down on the table. "Go stop Ironhide before he beats Bee up. He's your best friend, right? Keep him from killing mine!"

"Yeah" Sideswipe crossed his arms over his chest, "but I don't break up fights."

"And why the hell not?"

"Because Ironhide gets pissed when his paint gets scratched." He settled back to sit against the wall, content to just watch the situation that Sam was sure would come to blows. "Narcissistic bastard."

"Sure you're not just sulking cuz he beat you on that stupid game?" Skids grinned, and Sideswipe flipped him off, making Sam choke with laughter.

"Two points. Two fucking points." Sideswipe growled. "One more laugh, Sam, and I'm putting a blade down your throat." Sam heard footsteps, and a threatening growl. "Cool it, Bumblebee." Sideswipe waved a hand in Bee's direction. "Shouldn't you be busy fighting with Ironhide?" Bee shook his head no, as Ironhide walked up behind him.

"It's nearly nine" Ironhide said in the direction of Sideswipe, who stood up.

"Found a new club we should try" Sideswipe said, following Ironhide out, "about four blocks from the usual one."

"Hey!" Skids jumped up, "I wanna come!" he raced to catch up. Sam tossed his cards down onto the table, frowning at the losing hand.

"Him drinking would really scare me." Sam remarked. He jumped when he felt hands on his shoulders. Breath ghosted across the back of his neck before a kiss was pressed there. Sam glanced up, saw Bee's Autobot form  _and_ his holo form behind him. It was slightly unnerving, but nothing he couldn't get used to. "You know, Ironhide said something really interesting to me" Sam said, as Bee nudged him up out of his chair and turned him around, strong hands guiding him. "When we were at the club." He wasn't sure just how much attention Bumblebee was paying to what he was saying. Sam hopped up to sit on the tabletop, meaning to put some distance between them, but all this did was give Bee an easier time of getting him to lie flat on teh table. "And it was sort of... something that really made me think." Bee looked at him for a moment, then, seeming to decide to ignore what Sam was saying, climbed up on the table to straddle Sam. "I mean, I don't know, really, what he meant, exactly." Bee was making a big show of not listening, on his hands and knees above Sam, ducking his head to kiss Sam's neck. "He wasn't exactly clear or anything..." Sam struggled to keep trying to make his point, even as Bee did his best to prevent that. "I just- come  _on,_ can't you listen to me just a little bit?" Bee tilted his head, bottom lip sticking out. Sam took a moment to weigh his options, and decided to toss the conversation aside. "We'll talk later." He reached up and yanked Bee down by his shirt, attacking Bee's lips with his own. Bee made a sound of pure delight, writhing against him. Sam shivered wherever Bee's fingers touched; he could have sworn that Bee had been warmer the last time. Bumblebee distracted him from his thoughts with a bite to his shoulder, and Sam decided not to think anymore. He managed to disentangle one hand from Bee's shirt and reached down to push Bee's knee backwards. Bee slipped down, warm weight half on top of Sam. He made a soft purring sound, nuzzling against Sam's neck, and flicking little licks across the skin there.

"You gotta promise you'll explain what he was talking about" Sam said, looking over at Bee. Bee was lying on his side, one leg across Sam's, and one arm thrown across his chest. He looked at Sam for a moment, his free hand clenching in Sam's shirt. "Promise?" Bee's only reply was to press a kiss to Sam's shoulder, and cling to him tighter, leaving Sam no choice but to hope it was the answer he wanted. Bee pushed himself back up, and Sam was sure it was no accident that Bee kissed him before Sam could demand a straight answer.  _Okay,_ Sam thought, grinning,  _done being dominated. I want to see what_ _ **he**_ _likes.._  He nudged Bee off of him and slid off the table, unable to help a grin at Bee's indignant look. He grabbed Bumblebee by the shoulders and pushed his back to the table, grabbing Bee's wrists and pressing them to the tabletop as well. Bee squirmed and made little whining noises, straining to get out of Sam's grip. Sam just kissed him hard and nudged his knee up between Bee's legs, making Bee squirm and make little breathy noises that were closer to whimpers than he would admit. These were noises Sam hadn't heard from Bee before, and he found that he really, really liked it. He applied more pressure, making Bee arch his back, moaning. Sam grinned and kept at it, delighting in how Bee squirmed and bucked in his efforts to try and get his hands free. Bee lifted his head to glare at Sam, who just leaned forward to kiss Bee's wrists, consequently pressing against Bee's crotch. Bumblebee gasped aloud, head hitting back on the table, hissing something Sam couldn't quite understand. "Like that?" Sam traced Bee's ear with his tongue, eliciting more delighted sounds. Bee was mouthing something silently, that looked like a long string of curses, with a  _'more'_ thrown in every now and then.  _And who,_ Sam thought,  _am I to deny him?_

Neither noticed the two Autobots standing outside, looking in through the high windows.

"It's as bad as you said" Sideswipe muttered, turning away from the window to look at Ironhide. "Ratchet is aware?"

"Yeah." Ironhide started across the runway. "Don't know what we're going to do, though. Might want to make them work it out for themselves, for all I know."

"Right" Sideswipe shook his head, following, "Bumblebee's just a sparkling, and a foolish one, from the looks of it. Whatever choice he makes, it won't help him any. Figures, that it would have to happen to the one who won't know what to do."

"Guess it's just that kind of situation" Ironhide said. "Where every option demands a hell of a sacrifice." He ended the conversation by folding back into the pickup truck and roaring across the cement. Sideswipe looked back at the hanger doorway, where he could just see the edge of the table, Sam only half on it, Bee's sneaker kicking against the chair as he writhed and twisted. Sideswipe just sighed, and a moment later, the corvette raced away, the glinting silver vanishing into the darkness.

……………………..

A blaring car alarm pulled Sam from sleep at five the next morning. He pulled the pillow over his head and did his best to ignore it. A quick look around the room told him that Bee had still not returned. As usual, there was no trace that he'd been there two nights previously- any clothing he had merely fell out of existence one it lost contact with his holo. Sam wanted to go back to sleep until Bee showed up to join him in bed, but seeing as he hadn't seen Bee in two days, it seemed less than likely that he would be getting his wish anytime soon. The car alarm kept at its beeping and wailing continued for seven more minutes, at which point Sam couldn't even try to sleep any longer. Sam dragged himself out of bed and to the window to see who was the culprit. A silver corvette was in the street before his building, lights flashing and turn signals going on and off. "Okay!" Sam shouted down, "I'm  _coming!"_ The car alarm was turned off with a last beep. Sam ran to get dressed, before Sideswipe got impatient again. He snatched the note taped to the front door and scanned it on his way down the stairs, while trying to pull his jacket on with one hand. The note was from Bee, and just said that he was working at the engineering complex, that Sideswipe would be taking care of Sam, and that Bee was sorry in advance for anything Sideswipe did. Sam didn't think complaining about needing a babysitter would get him anywhere; it hadn't worked for the last three years, and he doubted it would work now. Ironhide had been his substitute guardian the previous day, which hadn't been that bad, but somehow, he had the feeling that Sideswipe's wakeup call was about to set the mood for the rest of the day. As soon as he set foot on the sidewalk, Sideswipe's passenger side door swung open, nearly taking out a man walking by.

"You know it's five AM, right?" Sam grumbled, climbing in and shutting the door.

"You know that I've got stuff to do today, right?" Sideswipe pulled away from the curb, speedometer shooting to fifty miles per hour in a matter of seconds. "Just because you can't get your lazy ass out of bed before ten AM doesn't mean I have to shorten my to-do list." Sam just rolled his eyes and said nothing; he could see why Sideswipe and Ironhide got along so well.

"Do I at least get to have breakfast, or is that considered unnecessary?" Sam slouched down in the seat, arms crossed over his chest. The toe of his sneaker hit the glove box in front of him, and almost instantly, something  _shocked_ him. "Ow!"

"Leave scuff marks and I will kill you before Bumblebee even knows what's going on." Sideswipe said sweetly. Sam scowled.

"Sor- _ry._ Didn't anyone ever tell you that black leather is easy to scuff, and that if you're a jerk about it, you shouldn't  _get_ it?"

"I  _like_ it" Sideswipe growled back. Sam was thankful when he stopped in front of one of the main cafeterias that the military people frequented. "You have six point four minutes. Go." Sam heaved a sigh, glaring at the glove box.

"That's barely enough time to get something!"

"Six point three." Sam swore under his breath and scrambled to get out of the car. He returned seven minutes later, to see the corvette pulling away from the sidewalk. "Hey! Hey!" Clutching his bagel, he sprinted to catch up, smacking at the locked door handle. People on the sidewalk gave him strange looks and stepped back. "Let me in! No fair! I was thirty seconds late! Just half a freakin' minute!" He kept slapping at the door and stumbling along in a clumsy run as Sideswipe sped along the sidewalk. It took half a block for Sideswipe to decide to be nice, and when he screeched to a stop, Sam nearly fell from stopping so fast. He yanked the door open and fell into the seat. "You-" he panted, "are a jerk sometimes."

"You were late." Sideswipe sped up impatiently, speedometer needle shooting from the left of the circle to the right. "And I don't like waiting."

"Next time, I want a better babysitter..."

A couple hours later, Sam was wandering through one of the towering warehouse-like buildings, waiting for Sideswipe to finish up whatever he was doing. He'd taken a stab at explaining it to Sam, but had stopped when he realized that the finer points of quantum mechanics were over his audience's head. "Stuff with machines" he summed up, and shooed Sam into the hallway. Sam meandered through until he got to the part where the building joined the military rec centre. The first room on his right was the largest, and before he could so much as open the door, there was a loud crash from inside, followed by a very colorful string of curses. Sam pushed open the door, and nearly laughed out loud at the scene before him. The room had been tastefully decorated, with black leather couches, a widescreen TV, gaming system, and the like. Now, men he recognized from Capt. Lennox's team were swarming about, with ladders and colourful streamers. One ladder was overturned, and the soldier beneath it was the one cursing up a storm.

"You okay?" Sam asked, seeing as the other men were too busy laughing to help. The soldier frowned.

"Fine..." He struggled to disentangle himself from the mess of streamers, until Sam pulled the red, white and blue streamers away from him. The man sat up. Sam was able to now see that he had sky-blue eyes, short, golden blonde hair, and one of the most perfect smiles Sam had ever seen. "Thanks... the things I do for my country, man..." the smile vanished for a moment as he scowled at the bruise forming on his arm.

"You're quite the maverick, Tanner." Capt. Lennox climbed down a ladder to get more streamers. "We all strive to be just like you."

"What are you guys doing?" Sam looked around; streamers were hung from every available spot in the room, including doorway to the adjoining cafe.

"Decorating for the party tomorrow night." Lennox said, grinning. "Fourth of July! Best holiday of 'em all!"

"Actually" Tanner put in, still sitting on the floor, "I'm pretty fond of Christmas, too." Lennox rolled his eyes.

"For the presents?"

"Yeah." Tanner grinned. "And the mistletoe." This made Lennox sigh and shake his head. "What? Kissing _happens_ to be one of my favorite pastimes!" Had Sam looked away a moment sooner, he would have missed the glance that Tanner threw at him. As it were, he pretended to have missed it.

"Great" Lennox scooped up the mess of streamers off the floor and righted the ladder. "remind me to burn all the mistletoe in December. And would you get off the floor before that ladder falls on you again?" Without thinking, Sam offered a hand, and Tanner grabbed it and pulled himself up. "Oh, right." Lennox shifted the streamers to one arm, so he could gesture to Tanner. "Sam, this is Tanner Morrey."

"There are two Morrey's here" Tanner said cheerfully, "That's why I get the privilege of having a first name."

"Tanner, this is Sam Witwicky." He turned to leave, "Oh, and Sam, party starts at eight tomorrow."

"Cool." Sam said, as someone tapped him on the shoulder. A soldier stood behind him.

"Sideswipe sent me with a message for you." The man said, then frowned. "Do I have to repeat it word for word?"

"Um..." Sam blinked, and the soldier sighed.

"He said- word for word, okay, he actually  _said_ this-" he drew in a breath, "Uh, 'tell Sam that he had better get his sorry ass out here before I leave without him, and if he takes more than thirty damn seconds, he won't live to see the light of day tomorrow.'"

"Sounds like him alright." Sam sighed. "Great. Thanks." He looked over to Tanner, "Catch you later, I guess."

"See you" Tanner gave him that bright smile, and Sam bolted out of the room before Sideswipe could come looking for him. He sprinted down the hallway, skirted a corner and stumbled through a doorway, reaching the street in time to slam into the corvette before it left.

"Twenty-nine seconds!" he panted. "Don't leave without me!"

"You're learning fast." Sam got in, and Sideswipe accelerated away. "I have one more stop."

"You said that was your last one."

"There's one more thing I want to do." They stopped in front of a small building. "Wait here."

"And risk getting killed?" Sam said innocently, making Sideswipe growl.

"Fine, fine. Come." Sam got out, and Sideswipe's human holo materialized beside him. Sideswipe's preferred form was a tall, unfairly dashing man of about twenty-six, with black hair and steel-grey eyes, and the sort of finely chiseled features that were made for admiring. He strode into the building, leaving Sam to hurry to catch up. Sideswipe led him down a hallway and into a large, air-conditioned room. The hum of computers competed with the clatter of printers and shuffle of the handful of people sitting at the desks. "Tech center." Sideswipe explained, winding around the desks.

"Sideswipe! What's up?" One of the tech stood up upon seeing Sideswipe, offering his hand. "Should I guess what brings you by?"

"Guilty pleasures, man." Sideswipe grinned, and the tech laughed. Sam stopped listening as they launched into a discussion of some online game, and the best strategies for it. Sam just stood back and didn't listen, glancing around the room. "Okay" Sideswipe eventually said, "we can go now." He was flipping through a book the tech had given him.

"That girl's looking at you" Sam snickered, discreetly indicating a woman sitting at a computer, her green eyes flickering up to Sideswipe and back to the screen again. Sideswipe looked over, and a smile appeared on his lips, even as he said nothing. "Do you know her?"

"Nope. Just another admirer. We should go, c'mon."

"Great" Sam muttered, following, "You're as arrogant as Ironhide." Sideswipe snorted at that.

"There's a difference." He pushed open the door, and Sam rushed to keep up with his long strides.

"Yeah? What's that?"

"I've got  _reason_ to be arrogant." He informed Sam in a ridiculously matter-of-fact tone that Sam just barely managed to keep from snickering at. "Shut up and get in." The holo vanished and the corvette engine roared impatiently. Sam hurried to jump into the passenger seat before he got left behind.

"Where to now?"

"To take you back, thank the heavens." The corvette sped through the winding streets of the city. More than once, a pedestrian dived out of the way. "I'm afraid I'm just not cut out for this guardian stuff."

"That's for sure" Sam muttered. "Hate to break it to ya, but Bee is a hundred times better."

"At least  _I_ don't-" Sideswipe started, then seemed to change his mind. "If I wanted to be better, I would be. I just don't  _want_ to."

"Sure. Sure. And I'm sure you  _could_ have beaten Ironhide at that stupid game if you'd actually wanted to, right?"

"Precisely." The corvette pulled up in front of the engineering building. "Out."

"What're we doing  _here?"_ Sam obeyed, dreading another over-his-head lesson on quantum mechanics, or _whatever_ they were called. Sideswipe's hologram appeared on the sidewalk beside him, and started towards the grey building at a brisk pace. It was one of the buildings the Humans frequented, rather than the Autobots. Whenever they had to work there, it was in holo form.

"I'm returning a gift" Sideswipe pulled open the glass door, and Sam caught it before he was hit in the face by it. "You."

"Love you too" Sam barely avoided running into the next door that closed in his face. "Where are we?"

"Tech building, so I can give you back to Bee, thank the merciful heavens." Despite the heavy cynicism, Sam couldn't help but grin at Sideswipe's words. It had been two days, but it had felt like a hell of a lot longer; Sam was starting to really miss Bee. They went to the back of the building, where it opened up into a serious of high-ceilinged rooms, passing several of the military technicians and ending up in front of a metal door. The words  _Human Resources_ was printed on it in grey paint, and had a black line through it. The sign above it read  _Technological Development E//R_ _estricted_ _A_ _ccess_ _._  Sideswipe pressed his hand to the reader by the door, with the short explanation that he'd gotten his wiring recognized for restricted access areas and his holo handprint would do when he wasn't in Bot form, and pushed open the door. "Tech Development. I try to avoid the place." The reason became apparent as soon as Sam stepped inside- the chaos was enough to give anyone a headache. Drills screamed and metal clattered to the ground; in the center of the room was the machine they'd gotten out of the pyramid, and workers were swarming around it, taking it apart to see how it worked.

"Isn't that thing useless now?" Sam asked, pointing to it. Sideswipe nodded.

"Doesn't stop them from being fascinated. Now where the hell's Bee?" He wandered off to look, leaving Sam in the middle of the commotion. He glanced after Sideswipe for a moment, and in the next second, someone had flung their arms around him and was hugging him like they were afraid he was going to disappear.

"Bumblebee!" Sam couldn't help the grin that found its way to his face; two days suddenly felt like a lot longer than it had actually been. "Was making Sideswipe my sub guardian some sort of plot to make me miss you more?" Bee's pure excitement at just seeing him was possibly the cutest thing Sam had ever seen. His amber eyes were bright when he finally let Sam go and just looked at him, practically bouncing with energy. The look on his face was one Sam recognized- he had something to say, and hoped Sam would be able to figure out what it was without having to hear it. This time, Sam knew it was because he couldn't talk, and not because he didn't want to. "Voice mod went out entirely again, huh?" He reached out to trace his fingertips over Bee's neck, making Bee smile. "That sucks." Bee kept looking at him with that look. "Miss me at all?" Sam guessed, and Bee smiled shyly.

"Good, you found him." Sideswipe came back over from the other side of the room. "He's yours now, Bee" He walked off, probably thanking every deity in the world that he was free of the temp guardian job.

"Do I have to wait until you've finished here?" Sam asked, and Bee nodded, apologetic look on his face. "No problem, sounds cool." Bee led Sam by the hand back to where he'd been working on dissecting some part of the machine, pointing to a metal box that Sam could sit on. Sam was perfectly content to just sit and watch Bee work. Every now and then, Bumblebee's gaze would flicker up to him and then back down. Definitely the cutest thing ever, Sam decided, when Bee blushed at being caught looking up. Bumblebee was a thousand times better off than he'd been at the beginning of summer, Sam realized, thinking back to the times he'd come home from a date with Mikaela and Bee would crawl back into the garage, clearly sulking and absolutely adamant about not discussing it. Bee had been constantly upset beyond what seemed like all reason, and Sam was endlessly relieved that it wasn't like that anymore. Right now, Bumblebee practically radiated happiness.

Sam just hoped to every deity that Sideswipe had been thanking a moment ago that it would last.


	8. Chapter 8

The fourth of July party was all enthusiasm, even though every bit of the patriotism came from the soldiers, because the Autobots couldn't really be bothered to celebrate that much. The soldiers' excitement was catching on, though; Sam wouldn't say it wasn't helped along by drinks. Many, many drinks.

"Hey, Sam" Lennox found him in the crowd of people, "Happy fourth! Would you mind doing me a favor? I'm having a slight… problem."

"Yeah, what's up?" Sam looked up at the captain in confusion.

"Would you mind telling me which hologram is which Bot? I still haven't gotten the who's who of the holograms straight."

"Yeah, sure." Sam leaned against the back of the couch, looking around the room. "Ratchet is talking to Sergeant Epps. Mudflap's the guy right there" he indicated the tall man with the sandy brown hair and hazel eyes, "As if you couldn't tell from listening to him" Mudflap not only had a lisp, but also tended to jumble together different languages. "And Skids is right there." Skids looked very similar, but with green eyes, and was characteristically arguing with his twin.

"Who decided to let them drink?" Lennox arched an eyebrow, taking a sip of his beer. "Bad choice."

"Ratchet tried to get them not to, but they pulled the whole 'we're way over two hundred years old' card. Ratchet wants to raise the drinking age to two thousand and one hundred." He shook his head, grinning. "Ironhide's over there." He pointed out the suave brunette, "and Sideswipe's there." He indicated the grey-eyed charmer standing with the tech girl they'd seen. "Talking with that girl."

"Oh, that's Kate. She's got such a crush on him." Lennox laughed. "Wonder how that one could work out. So, who else?"

"Optimus is right there." Optimus was the tall, serious man talking with Ratchet and Epps. And Bumblebee's-" He looked around, "Somewhere." He felt a hand slip up under his shirt, a warm touch ghosting across his skin. "Right here." Lennox nodded to Bee.

"Great. Thanks, Sam."

"But, be warned" Sam grinned. "They do change forms."

"What? Really?" Lennox made a face, clearly adverse to the idea of having to figure it out all over again, "that's just not fair."

As unfair as he thought it was, half an hour later, he was participating in the guessing game. Bee was watching Lennox try to guess who the holo was. Sunstreaker, Ironhide, Skids, and Mudflap were out in the hallway. Lennox was at the other end of the couch, trying to figure out which one was standing in front of him.

"Sideswipe." Lennox finally decided. The man laughed.

"Don't you know your own truck?"

"I meant to say Ironhide!"

"Sure," Ironhide left the room, and a moment later, a woman with platinum blonde hair sauntered out.

"Man, that's cheating!" Lennox's bewildered look said he hadn't been aware the holos were that varied. "Skids?"

"Skids couldn't manage to look this great." At that comment, Lennox rolled his eyes.

"Ironhide. I'd recognize that arrogance anywhere."

"I'm not arrogant, I'm  _confident,"_ Ironhide informed him. Lennox held up his hands in surrender. Next was a redheaded jock that turned out to be Skids.

Bumblebee glanced around for Sam again, and his heart sank when he saw Sam was still talking to the fucking  _gorgeous_ blonde guy, who Bumblebee knew he couldn't possibly measure up to. Bumblebee knew his holo program could easily trounce that, but forgetting to recharge had a habit of reducing what he could do. He had to remind himself that, yes, Sam had chosen him. Sam had committed to him. And yet, it was far too easy to fall back on his insecure doubting, far too easy to think that a robot had no business dealing with a human so intimately. Seeing Sam with Tanner reminded Bee of that enough. And, so easily that it hurt, Bee could envision Sam spending the rest of his life with a human like Tanner or Mikaela, a life with none of the problems Bee couldn't get over. Things that were stumbling blocks for humans together-things like housing, jobs, food, birthdays- would be one of many impasses in a relationship between Bumblebee and a human. Bee couldn't look at Tanner and Sam anymore, and he turned away to fix his gaze on the ground. It wasn't fair, how he needed Sam more than anything, how now that he'd finally found the one after centuries of wandering around, it was a human. It had turned his thoughts desperate, hoping that someone else would happen along- someone he had a chance with- and sway him. It never happened. Arcee came and Bee had hoped desperately that he would fall in love with her, but it was as useful as wishing the sun would never rise. Hell, he would have been more than happy to suddenly fall for Sideswipe, it would have been a lifetime easier. But he and everyone else didn't have Sam's compassionate nature, his babbling curiosity, his sweet interest, or the laugh that Bee craved. Bee liked Sam as a human- it was himself he wished were so, so different, and ultimately, it was himself he couldn't change.

"Tricky bastard," Lennox muttered beside him, in regards to how Ironhide had, yet again, fooled him. Bumblebee sank lower into the couch cushions, watching the game in his usual silence. He knew he had no reason to be jealous of Tanner- Sam was his now, which was more than he'd dared ask for- but all the same, seeing Sam with a human boy reminded him.

"Hey there," Sam dropped onto the couch next to Bee to watch Lennox's game. Bee cuddled into his side, craving Sam's touch. "How's the guessing going?"

"Simply terrible," said the blonde woman standing before them, so pale, Sam could have sworn she was a vampire, or part trout. Lennox scowled.

"Mudflap?" This was obviously wrong, however, as the blonde laughed.

"I said  _simply terrible,_ not  _thimply terrible."_

"Skids!" Another laugh.

"Sideswipe, you failure," She- well, he- sashayed back to the hallway, laughing. Sam kept watching, and Bee seemed perfectly content to stay beside him, one hand up the back of Sam's shirt.

"Why don't you play?" Sam asked him. Bee shrugged, tracing his fingers in circles on Sam's back.

"Can't." It was obvious that the one word was a struggle for him, so Sam didn't ask him to elaborate. He shivered as Bee's fingers skimmed over his skin.

"Restless?" Sam murmured in Bee's ear. Bee dipped his head to bite at Sam's neck. "Doesn't take a hormone reader to know what  _you_ want" Sam grinned, then looked past Bee to see the ghost of a disapproving look on the face of the tall blonde man that Lennox incorrectly guessed to be Ironhide or the twins. Several others of Lennox's teammates had joined in, and the autobots participating were clearly enjoying the attention. A freckled redhead waved cheekily at a man guessing her to be Skids, then flipped him off when he won with the guess of Mudflap, while Epps cheered when he correctly guessed that the cool, long-haired man was Ironhide.

"Think I'll keep this body," Ironhide mused, running his hand over the long ponytail, "looks hot." He reappeared as a bleached blonde football player a few minutes later, tricking Tanner.

"I don't get how they can be so good at this," Tanner leaned over the back of the couch to talk to Sam, completely missing the look of death he was receiving from Bee. Sam barely managed to keep in a yelp when he felt Bee's nails dig into his hip.

"Holo program's pretty top notch," Sam tipped his head back to look at Tanner. "I hear it's useful for getting more people to dance with you." Tanner had to lean in close to hear, over the racket the guessers were making; the whole of Lennox's team was grouped around the couch, shouting and competing, while the rest of the party sighed at their antics, and returned to their drinking and conversations.

"Makes sense," Tanner said, as Mudflap showed off his new bicep muscles, grinning when they guessed him to be Ironhide, "I'd dance with that in a heartbeat."

"Yeah, I'd-" Sam's heart skipped a beat when Bee's fingertips pressed into his hip so hard, he swore there would be a hand-shaped bruise there later. "-dance with that too." He wanted to snatch the words back as soon as he'd said them, and in case he hadn't come to the realization himself, Bee's head dropped onto his shoulder, a strangled sound escaping him. "Not like I'm going to, or anything," Sam stammered, "I mean, it's not like I'm, uh, looking to dance, seeing as, you know, it's not like, a club or something-" He wisely decided to stop talking before he said something truly stupid. He'd already informed Tanner- Tanner, who was shamelessly hitting on him, and had been doing so all evening- that not only was he also gay, but seemed to have the same taste. All done while his unofficial boyfriend was sitting right next to him, and Sam knew he was going to have to come up with a damn good apology for Bumblebee.

"I hear there are some good ones in the city," Tanner said; he hadn't even noticed Sam's blunders.

"Yeah, I went with Ironhide a while ago, you shoulda come," Sam inwardly groaned. Bee was clearly irritated; Tanner didn't see it, but Sam sure didn't miss the look of slow, painful death that Bee shot at the blonde. Ironhide chose that moment to appear as a handsome brunette that Tanner guessed to be Sideswipe, earning himself a glare.

"I'm not  _playing_ right now," Ironhide informed him, "do I fucking  _look_ like Sideswipe?" Sam snickered, as Ironhide crossed the room to grab a drink and then return to the game.

"I don't know if you'd be able to come, actually," Sam said, hoping Ironhide somehow knew how intensely grateful he was, "I think he hates you."

"How was I supposed to know he wasn't playing?" Tanner sighed, shaking his head. "Touchy." Sam's attention drifted from him as Bumblebee tilted his head so he could nip at Sam's ear, practically invisible to everyone else behind the couch, but pretty damn noticeable to Sam. When Sam glared at him, Bee just put an innocent look on his face, pulling away and running his tongue over his bottom lip, effectively making himself one hell of a cocktease. Sam glowered and yanked him closer by the front of his shirt.

"You just wait until we go home," He growled, and Bumblebee grinned.  _Can't wait,_ his silence sang back.

That night, Sam never once looked up at the sky, but he still saw fireworks.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam was sitting outside the Autobot hanger, textbook open on his lap. August had turned out to be even hotter than July, to his disappointment. The sprawling building had the best air conditioning to be found, and seeing as the AC in his own room was currently broken, Sam had decided to study on the cement outside the open door of the hanger. He couldn't fix his air conditioner himself, so the unit was waiting for someone to take pity on Sam and fix it for him. Sam wasn't complaining much, though. It was quiet; most of the Autobots were off in the city, leaving hate huge runway before the hanger blank and peaceful. Bumblebee was off working on something or other, on the other side of the hanger. He was almost off the probation Optimus had put him on after the fight- he was still expected to be close to Sam, or to stick him with a better babysitter than Sideswipe. Sam supposed he'd never be free of the guardians; after the Decepticon attacks, he was fairly certain that, without a guardian, he'd be little more than fair game for the metal monsters. Sam turned a page in the physics book.

Doth

"Hey! That's  _cheatin',_ ya jerk!"

"Not ath bad ath you cheated!" The ground shook as someone hit the ground. Sam sighed. The Autobot Twins were playing some game again, across the runway.

"Hey!" One bellowed over, "Sam's It!"

"What? It?" Sam's eyes widened, as the pair started sprinting over towards him. "If I'm It, you run away from me, not to me!"

"Not in thith kind of tag!" Mudflap yelled. Sam stared for a moment, as the two shoved each other in their haste to near him, and then realized they were dead serious about tagging him. Which would  _hurt._

"Don't hurt me!" He jumped to his feet, starting to run. The twins changed direction almost instantly, pushing at each other, and pounding after him. "No, no, no, no, no! I don't wanna die playing tag!"

"Stop bein' such a wuss!" Skids swiped at him, and Sam nearly stumbled.

"Thcared?" Mudflap laughed, and added something in what sounded like mangled German, and Sam saw no sign of mercy in either of the Twins.

"This isn't fair, you guys!" Sam couldn't believe no one noticed the three of them running in circles on the runway, or that he about to be squished to death. "Help!" He was fast nearing total exhaustion, nearly stumbling over his own feet as he raced away, the twins right at his heels. The only thing htat kept him from being caught was the fact that, as they ran, they were shoving and tripping each other, but the shocks this sent into the ground were throwing Sam off his balance. "Auuuuuggghhhkkkk!!!" He was tripping over himself, having a hard time staying upright, as hands reached out towards him from behind. "This isn't a fun game!" His toe hit against hte cement and he went tumbling sideways, hitting hte ground and continuing to bounce painfully as he screamed.

All at once, he was scooped off the ground, and the smash of metal echoed across the field. Sam huddled against sun-warmed metal, breathing in hard gasps that weren't giving him near enough air. He counted to three, then lifted his head in time to see Skids go flying across the runway in the opposite direction Mudflap was tumbling head-over-heels in. Sam looked up. Bee was cradling Sam to his chest, sending a harsh glower at the twins.

"Hey, man, that's cheatin'!" Mudflap protested, jumping up and running back over, but Bumblebee caught him with a fist, sending him crashing to the ground. His angry growl made Mudflap mutter to himself darkly, half in English and half in Italian or something. Sam was too busy gasping for breath to really pay attention as Bee's holo-form crawled over him, running his hands over Sam's limbs. Bot-bee was running scans on him; Sam could hear the hum of the diagnostic laser as it washed over him.

"Ow!" He pulled his wrist away. Bee's hologram flickered away with a last concerned look, and the lasers snapped off.

"You hurt him" The voice wasn't Bee's own but was serving as his for the moment, and sounded as unhappy as Bee probably felt, "you're gonna have to pay." Sam wondered where Bee had dug that sound file up from. Commercial for a mafia movie?

"Oh, yeah? And how's that?" Skids had come back over, clearly sulking about being hurled across the runway like a discus.

"Death." The voice was emotionless and flat. Bee was tuning into commercials for shows or something, Sam figured. The twins cowered.

"We're sowwy, alwight?" Mudflap sounded defiant, even as he darted behind his twin, "cut uth a bweak."

"Yeah, we was just playin'!" Skids offered up, "it's a game!" Bee just growled and walked away from them. Sam recognized the questioning sound he heard next.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just... hurt my wrist a bit." He tried moving his left wrist and winced. "But that doesn't mean you can kill them, okay?" Bright blue optics flickered down to him. "O _kay?_ " Bee grumbled, but made an affirmative sound. From the direction of the runway, Sam heard a smashing noise.

"It wath your shtupid idea!" One of the twins shouted.

"Nuh-uh! Hellza nah!"

Once at the med centre, Sam was transferred to Ratchet's hands to be scanned again. "Nothing serious." Ratchet assessed, shutting off the laser-like beams. "What on Earth were you doing?"

"Um... playing a game." Sam said sheepishly. Ratchet was silent for a moment, then looked at Bee.

"Should have known." he said, in response to wahtever Bee had said. "Sounds like it was more of a hunt than a game, Sam."

"He exaggerates." Sam insisted, as Ratchet set him down and his holo appeared.

"I'm sure." Ratchet's holo vanished and reappeared a moment later, a black splint in hand. "That sounds just like them, if you ask me. Your wrist?" He held out his hand, and Sam reluctantly placed his wrist in it, all-too wary of how it just might hurt. "Oh, for heaven's sakes, Sam, I'm just putting it in a brace, not performing surgery." As he said it, however, he snapped his fingers and looked at Bee. "that reminds me..." He set Sam up with the brace around his wrist, instructing him on how to ice it later, and his holo form vanished. "I'll have Ironhide take you home so you can put ice on your wrist. He's lurking around here somewhere."

Bumblebee was reluctant to see Sam go, even if it was only because he didn't want to be alone with Ratchet, because that invariably meant a tough conversation was to follow. Usually, they were about Sam, and how something or other had happened to him, so Bumblebee had come to dread these chats.

"I had a new idea about how to fix your voice mod." Ratchet said, and Bumblebee relaxed. This couldn't be so bad.

[That's great, how?] He was tired of having to send his words by wifi to his companions, it was something of a drag.

"Your human form." Ratchet was looking at him like this was something to worry about, so Bee searched his thoughts, trying to find a reason this could be bad.

[Okay... that's good.] He studied Ratchet, waiting for the downside. [But... you can't operate on a hologram, can you? It's all receptors.]

"Exactly." Ratchet said slowly. "A hologram has receptors." The way he stressed the word  _hologram_ made Bee realize.

[No. No. You can't. No. Ratchet, you can't. No.]

"Bumblebee, you're going to have to tell him sooner or later. I was working on your voice mod problem, to find its origin... and I think we've been going about it the wrong way. We need to work on the problem in the form not in which it occurred, but i-" but Bee held up a hand, shaking his head no.

[No. No. I can't tell him. Don't even... don't even say it, I can't…]

"Don't you want to talk again? Besides-" Ratchet added, "He's going to have to find out sometime. Either that, or he'll figure it out for himself."

[I don't know.] Bee finally allowed, [maybe I can think about it.]

"Well... I think you'll want to put some serious thought into it" Ratchet turned away, pretending to look through the shelves, "soon."

[Why soon?]

"It's just a suggestion."

[Optimus wants me to do it, doesn't he?] Bee's optics flickered down. [Figures. Doesn't have much use for a spy that can only tell one person at a time what was found out.]

"We all want the best for you, Bumblebee." Ratchet insisted. "Take your time."

[So you'll have to do surgery... not on my holo form.]

"Surgery on a hologram would never work." Ratchet sighed. "I'm afraid this would make it inevitable that Sam would find out. Surely he knows enough about holograms." Bee nodded, looking at the floor.

[I'll think about it.]

Later, Sam was lying on the couch with an ice pack on his wrist, half watching a movie that Bee couldn't really follow. He was sitting on the floor, back against the couch as Sam's non-injured hand ran through his hair idly. Bee wanted to look back to silently ask Sam what the hell the movie was about, but he didn't want to lose contact with Sam. He knew it was sort of pathetic, but he couldn't help the addiction to Sam's touch.

"What was Ratchet talking about? Anything exciting?" Sam asked, playing with Bee's hair. Bee shrugged a shoulder noncommittally. "I hear he wants to change the drinking age to two thousand and one hundred, so the Twins can't drink," Sam remarked. "After today, I kind of agree. They're psychos on a good, one hundred percent sober day. Man, I'd hate to see them drunk." Bee nodded. He couldn't really catch onto Sam's words at the moment; Ratchet's words were filling up his thoughts. Bumblebee shoved all the unwelcome words from his mind, closing his eyes and just focusing on Sam's soft touch. When he was in holo form, Bee kept all his receptors turned up to mimic a human as best he could. Touch was one of the sensations he craved the most. It showed him what being a human was like, clued him in as to what Sam felt, gave him something to promise him, assure him, that it was all still real. The experience was bittersweet, most were.

Touch also showed Bumblebee what he was missing.


	9. Chapter 9

"-whereas protactinium has an orthorhombic crystal structure-"

After this particularly fascinating tidbit of information, Sam decided that he couldn't take any more. "Um, I just remembered," he said, looking up at Optimus, who was fixing a hole the Twins had put in the hanger roof, "I promised Skids I'd play poker with him. He'll be real disappointed if I don't show up." Like he'd even notice, to be perfectly honest.

"Enjoy yourself," Optimus sounded sarcastic, probably because he'd lost bets to Skids, too. Last Sam had seen, Skids, Mudflap, Ironhide and Sideswipe had been playing poker. They were Sam's favorite group to hang out with- well, after Bumblebee- because they were just so entertaining. The Twins were endlessly fun, if borderline dangerous; Ironhide had the best sense of humor; despite his heavy cynicism and the occasional mood, Sideswipe was pretty nice. Of course, he had to contend with Ironhide's arrogance and Sideswipe's occasional act-like-a-total-asshole mood, and the four tended to fight whenever they were together, but that was pretty entertaining too, and overall, Sam liked them. Plus, they didn't tend to rattle off useless facts about the periodic table. Sam bid Optimus goodbye and raced into the hanger before he could have anything more about the elements crammed into his brain.

Sprinting into the room, however, he tripped over someone's sneaker, and hit the ground. Before he could so much as stammer out an apology, he was shoved over and pinned to the floor. He had tumbled under the table, the very table where the other bots' holos were sitting. The pickup truck, corvette, and matching green and red cars were all parked outside in the sunlight. Sam hadn't seen the Camaro, so he'd assumed Bee was elsewhere.

"Hi, Bee" he managed to say, before Bee's lips were on his own, although whether to silence him or not, Sam couldn't say. When Bee let him breathe, he tried to say something again. Bee put a finger to his lips and pointed to one of the chairs. As if on cue, someone jumped up, roaring.

"You cheater! Dirty fucking cheater!"

"I didn't cheat! You just can't play for shit!"

"That was my chip, asshole!"

"No ith not, shtupid!" The chorus of four voices screaming explained why they hadn't noticed Sam run into the room and instantly drop to the ground under the table. The table shook as someone slammed their hands down on it. Sam grinned, grabbing Bee closer and kissing him again. Bee made the little moaning sounds that Sam loved, but they were nothing to Sam's absolute favorite response. The temptation was too much for him to resist. Bee saw the wicked smile on Sam's face, and Sam knew that if he'd had his voice, Bee would have been protesting. As it was, he was just mouthing,  _Sam Sam Sam Sam,_ like he wanted to beg Sam to let him retain his dignity. Unfortunately for Bee's dignity, Sam was far too fond of Bee's pleasured screaming.  _Sam,_ Bee was silently mouthing in a warning,  _don't you dare._ The smile that sparkled in his amber eyes told an entirely different story. Sam pushed Bee onto his back, on his knees in a straddle above Bee, just barely below the wooden tabletop. Bee was clearly torn between desperately wanting to be touched and reluctant to get into anything because he knew how hard it would be not to make a sound. A chair scraped forward as someone leaned across the table. The table was fairly wide, enough so that they weren't in danger of getting kicked, at least. Bee was watching the restless someone in one of the chairs, their sneakers' toes dragging in circles impatiently.

"I swear, if you hide any more cards, I will rip your throat out!"

"I'll sthop hiding cardth when you shtop cheating when you deal!"

"If either of you say one more damn word, I will go out there and slash your tires. Understood?!" It was slightly disorienting when Sam thought that Bee's body was technically in two places at once- somewhere hiding outside as a car and right under him.

Bee had been distracted by the argument going on over their heads, so Sam chose that moment to settle down in Bee's lap and grind his hips down. Bee's eyes went wide, and he clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from screaming; try as he might to mask any reaction, every muscle tensed. Pleading amber eyes met Sam's, but Sam knew what he was begging for, and it wasn't to stop. Bee kept one hand over his mouth, but moved his free one up Sam's thigh.

"You can't have five fuckin' aces in one hand! We're using one deck!" This was followed by a burst of profanity from another player. The soft moan that escaped Bumblebee was heard by Sam alone, and served as his black and white checkered flag. He slid his hands up under Bee's shirt, skimming his fingertips over the fine line of hair that traced in a soft line up Bee's navel. Running his fingers over a spot above Bee's left hip drew a shiver from Bee. Bee's attention drifted when a shoe nearly made contact with his head, and he looked over for a moment. Sam shifted his hips down again, moving firmly against Bee's crotch. The suddenness of this movement made Bee jerk, and he pressed his hand down over his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut. With his other hand he scrabbled for a grip on Sam, squeezing around Sam's wrist painfully hard.

"You like that?" Sam breathed. Bee's eyes fixed on his face, look of delight flickering there, and he nodded. He bucked his hips up to get Sam to keep going, an erection already straining against his jeans, and Sam was more than happy to comply. He trailed his hands over Bee's skin, waiting for another outburst from the poker players. He didn't have to wait more than a few seconds.

"That does it! I'm going to go break your windshield!" A chair scraped back, and the table shuddered when someone reached across to jerk the shouter back down.

"Sit yo ass down, or I'll break every single one of your windows before you can even get to mine, ai'ight?" Another voice growled. At the same moment as another burst of yelling came from above them and Bee wasn't paying attention to Sam, Sam wiggled against Bee's crotch suddenly. Bumblebee jolted, his back arching up, and his free hand joined his other in covering his mouth to keep back his screams. The electrifying combination of surprise and arousal had him wildly begging for more, even as danger loomed right above them. Sam worked Bee's shirt up further and leaned down to press kisses along the hot skin. Bee squirmed and wriggled, drawn-up knees hitting against Sam's back as he writhed. One hand moved from his mouth to clutch at Sam's arm, tightening his grip as Sam laid a kiss to his collarbone. They both froze when footsteps were heard, but all that happened was someone else came to sit at the table. Sam stayed motionless, listening hard, until an impatient wiggle from Bee reminded him that the boy under him was dying of lust. He rubbed Bee's arm, willing him to be patient. Bee didn't want to be patient; he nudged up at Sam with his hips, his white-knuckled grip on Sam's wrist tightening even more.

"Has anyone seen Ratchet?" Optimus's voice came from above them. "I wanted to talk to him."

"Nope. What about?" Sideswipe answered.

"Is it about that surgery thing?" Ironhide spoke up next.

"Thing? What thurgery thing?" Mudflap asked.

"Yes, it's about that." Optimus said. "I don't know much about poker, but Sideswipe, why do you have seven cards?"

"Cheater!" Someone else shouted gleefully.

"Shut up. What surgery thing?"

"Bee's surgery thing. In a couple of days," Ironhide answered. Sam looked down at Bee, who wouldn't look at him.

"For his voice mod," Optimus said. "Ratchet had some idea about how to fix it. I'm not clear on the details." Sam smiled down at Bee, mouthing, with just a breath of voice to his words,  _that's great, why didn't you tell me?_ Bee shrugged a shoulder, removing his hands from his mouth so he could silently say  _don't know._ He had his pitifully adorable  _forgive me?_ look on his face. Sam leaned down to kiss Bee's jaw. He couldn't quite figure out why Bee had just been so freaked out, but decided to chalk it up to Bee's high-strung nature, and let it go. He gave another hard grind of his hips, and it became apparent that Bee forgot about it, too, and about the fact that they were still under the table, because as soon as Sam touched him in that way he craved, he  _screamed_. His voice wasn't as loud as it could have been, granted, but screams had a way of echoing in the hanger.

"What the fuck was that?!" someone exclaimed. Bee's eyes went wide and Sam had to keep from bursting out laughing.  _No screaming,_ he mouthed down at Bumblebee, who gave him an innocent look. Sam barely saw it, though, replaying the scream in his mind. It had definitely sounded different from the last one he'd gotten a few days ago- in fact, every one of Bee's reactions today had been different. Different, and a lot more intense. He'd probably found a way to turn up his sensors or something, Sam decided, moving Bee's hands from his mouth so he could kiss Bee, and didn't think any more of it. Before he could get the chance to do anything else, however, there was the sound of a sports car pulling up outside, and then there were more footsteps. Bee stared up at him, obviously unable to figure out who it was. Sam reluctantly crawled off Bumblebee and turned to look out at the hanger entrance. The holo standing there was just as flawlessly perfect as the others were, with dark eyes and long, reddish-brown hair that was tied back, his features fine and admiration worthy. He just stood there, waiting, and when Sam looked down to Bee to ask who it was, he saw that Bee just silently wide-eyed. He slid off Bee to sit beside him, staring. The Bots above them were too busy screaming to really notice.

"-iths cuz of you, shtupid!"

"You callin' me a cheater?!"

"Takes one to know one, you two!"

"Would you just let em fight it out for themselves?"

"One might kill the other!"

"Let 'em!"

"You shtole that!"

"Did not!"

"Cut it out!" A chair was shoved back as someone jumped up to menace the fighting Twins, "One more word from either of you two, an-" The shout suddenly turned to dead silence, and the other voices subsided to quiet. In the next heartbeat, Sideswipe had bolted across the hanger and thrown his arms around the unknown man in the doorway. Whoever he was, Sam realized, he certainly wasn't unknown. Sideswipe was clinging to him like he'd been gone forever, and when he heard the soft sobs that shook Sideswipe's frame, Sam realized that may have been the case. Sideswipe's soft whisper was barely audible, "Sunstreaker..."

"Missed you, Swipe" Sunstreaker murmured, wrapping his arms around Sideswipe. His next words were too quiet for anyone else to hear, words meant only for Sideswipe. The words they didn't hear were an apology, a promise, everything he'd wanted to say and couldn't. The Bots at the table were silent for a while longer, too mesmerized by the sight to speak. It was Mudflap whose whisper broke the silence.

"I thowt Thunthweaker wath hith twin?" The garbled sentence had too many lisp-marred words for Sam to understand right away-  _he really should stay away from S's,_ Sam thought vaguely- but the others seemed to grasp the meaning.

"That was always more ruse than reality" Optimus answered, then rose. "We never believed you could return to us, Sunstreaker." The warm words suggested that Sunstreaker had been missed by everyone, but there was too much of a chill in his tone to promise it. The words should have belonged to another tone, the tone should have been matched with crueler words.

"Deactivation only lasts until someone is reactivated." Sunstreaker answered, looking at Optimus from over Sideswipe's shoulder, then went on before Optimus could cut in, "I understand why it was done, even if I do not agree."

"Perhaps-" Optimus cleared his throat, "I may have made the wrong decision." Sunstreaker just nodded, tightening his embrace of Sideswipe, as if to stop Sideswipe from jerking back. Sideswipe ignored the gesture, doing so anyways and fixing a startlingly wrathful glare on Optimus.

"Decision?" he repeated, voice low and dangerous, eyes narrowed, " _Decision?"_ Years and years of pain and hopelessness were compacted into the threatening voice, after spending years searching for who to blame for a cruel twist of fate suddenly turned up the signle one at fault.

"At the time, it was the right one to make," Optimus was going to stand his ground, despite the reaction it would evoke.

"But-" Sideswipe struggled for words, the anger in his widened eyes saying what he couldn't,

" _you_ did it? You did it  _on purpose?"_ Sam looked to Bee, mouthing,  _did what?_ Bee couldn't answer, one hand over his mouth, eyes welled with tears. "You're the one that- that-" he finished his sentence in a choked whisper few could hear, "took him from me."

"Yes. It was necessary. I regret it had to be done, but I do believe it was unavoidable."

"In what world was it necessary?!" Sideswipe half let go of Sunstreaker to face Optimus. "There's nothing that can justify that. You said  _they_ did it! You told me  _they_ were the ones that killed him! You said there was no bringing him back, because they  _destroyed_ him!" For one moment, his fury ran away with him, throwing his tone into a desperate howl that didn't so much as phase Optimus, although it did bring a pained, sympathetic look to Sunstreaker's face.

"The Decepticons cannot deactivate an Autobot. Only-" Optimus's tone was wrongly placating.

"Only another Autobot can do that, you're saying," Sideswipe finished in a snarl. "Only a true traitor of an Autobot can kill another Autobot like that."

"Optimus did it?" Ironhide whispered.

"They're not twinths?"

"Obviously," Skids scoffed.

"Maybe Optimuth didn't know and thaths why he did it? Becauthe he didn't know?"

"No" Ironhide said softly, "he knew, and that's why he did it."

"You had no fucking right," Sideswipe's murderous look was directed straight at Optimus. Sunstreaker tried to calm him down with words murmured to him, but Sideswipe shook his head no. "None!"

"It was over five hundred years ago, the situation was-" Optimus began, but Sideswipe cut in.

"It was five hundred years of suffering, and no matter what the situation was, it wasn't  _yours_ to manipulate!"

"Perhaps if you hadn't lied at the start-" The scolding tone Optimus took on seemed to fail to achieve the effect he must have been going for, because Sideswipe's anger just skyrocketed.

"The only reason I wish I hadn't-" Sideswipe snapped back, "is because I would have had less to miss. And that's no good reason at all."

"What you were doing wasn't-"

"Wasn't what?" Sideswipe shot back, "wasn't  _right?_  Don't you  _dare_ say it wasn't  _right._ Who the  _hell_ are you to tell me what's right and wrong? You should  _never_ have made that decision, because in no way, shape or form was it yours to make! You  _betrayed_ us both!" Sam jumped when he felt a hand on his arm, but it was just Bee, reaching for him. He wound his arms around Sam's neck, climbing into his lap. The breath that ghosted across Sam's neck was in a ragged pattern, and he felt hot tears touch his skin. Sam was too bewildered to follow what was going on, but judging from Bumblebee, it wasn't affecting those fighting alone.

"If I may-" Sunstreaker spoke up, looking between the two. Optimus must have given some sign of consent, because he went on. "Optimus, while I can understand your logic, you must realize that logic isn't everything. There was more than just logic involved."

"There was a  _war_ involved." Optimus said tightly.

"No world stops for a battle. Ours should not have had to, either. Yours may have. We do not all want to make the same choices. We cannot all be selfless."

"Or heartless," Sideswipe spat, but a gentle nudge from Sunstreaker made him fall silent again.

"It was interfering with everything," Optimus said, his voice hard and flat. "You cannot expect that I will not see that as an offense."

"You can protect our race as a whole, but you have to allow the beings within it to live as well. We're not a concept, we're individuals." There was a brief silence, before Sideswipe spoke again.

"You didn't have to kill him," he finally snarled. Optimus just looked at him.

"Would you have rather lived apart?" he asked. He seemed to have assumed this would silence Sideswipe.

"I would rather have died," Sideswipe's glare didn't lift, "you have no idea how it feels."

"You seemed perfectly fine," Optimus said. This caused a little choking noise from Ironhide.

"If that was perfectly fine," he whispered to the Twins, "I'd like to see him an emotional wreck."

"Perfectly fine?!" Sideswipe shared their surprise, although his was more akin to outrage, "He died! How the fuck could I have been perfectly fine?! You  _knew_ how much he meant to me, you  _know_ how I felt! Did you think I'd just  _get over it?!_ And if that wasn't bad enough- we all trusted you! You're our  _leader,_ and you _betrayed him!_ "

"Optimus," Sunstreaker's voice made Sideswipe fall quiet, as if promising to do the fighting for him. "You promised you would take care of him. That was all I asked. I did not fight you, because you made me that promise." Sideswipe turned his face into Sunstreaker's neck, whispering something that, to Sam, sounded a lot like,  _you did love me._ "It was the only thing that mattered to me. Did you truly lie to him for all this time?"

"I believed the truth would hurt him more."

"You fucking bet it does," Sideswipe growled, voice muffled by Sunstreaker's shirt, "you  _monster_." His voice trembled, even as he tried to keep away tears. Sam couldn't truly believe that Sideswipe was so upset, but the magnitude of the situation seemed far worse than he could grasp. He'd been under the impression that it would take the end of a world to make Sideswipe cry, and he was sure that was still the case, because, from the sounds of it, his world as he knew it had ended. Again.

"It was endangering everyone," Optimus's voice had a firm finality to it. "You lied from the start, and you put other lives in danger through this." Hearing this, Bee clung to Sam tighter, pressed against him as if touch alone could make the words untrue. "Our first responsibility is to the Autobots. It was  _wrong_."

"It doesn't feel wrong, and it never will" Sideswipe mumbled, followed by an angry hiss of obscenity that was rendered incomprehensible by Sunstreaker's shirt against Sideswipe's mouth. He gave up on speaking, shuddering sobs overtaking his ability to speak. Sunstreaker's protective hold on him didn't lessen. One hand lay on the back of Sideswipe's neck, as he whispered something only Sideswipe could hear before looking back up.

"You said you were deactivating me to save him," Sunstreaker glared at Optimus, anger finally coming outright, "but you killed us both."

Optimus had no answer. Sideswipe's soft sobs were the only sound in the hanger, like his very soul was tearing apart until, with a last murmured word to Sunstreaker, his holo vanished, leaving Sunstreaker standing alone. Ironhide stood up from the table to level with Optimus.

"You thought he was fine." He said flatly, and Sam could practically see the heated glare. "You didn't notice how he went from being perfectly content to an absolute wreck? You haven't noticed how he hasn't been the same since that day?"

"He should have been strong enough to let it go." Optimus answered coolly.

"That would be weakness. He was strong enough to live on. You really don't know what it's like, Optimus, to live so long after someone has died. You've never had to live without your reason to live" He went over to Sunstreaker, turning his back on Optimus. "I always hoped you'd come back for him, at least to give him back himself." Sunstreaker smiled slightly.

"I was planning on doing more than that." This earned a grin from Ironhide.

"Good to have you back." He sent a last glare at Optimus, all traces of his good humor gone, then vanished. The other holos all disappeared, until Sunstreaker was the only one left. Sam looked down at Bee in his lap, the petrified look in the amber eyes filling him in entirely on what had gone on. There were footsteps, and then Sunstreaker dropped to his knees before them.

"What are you two doing under the table?" He seemed to take a second look, and his expression darkened slightly. "I'm so sorry you had to hear all that," he said softly, looking from Bee to Sam. "You must be Sam. Ratchet told me about you." Bee looked up at him, mouthing,  _Optimus killed you?_ "Still got that voice mod issue, huh, Bee?" He looked down. "Yeah. He's the one that deactivated me."

"I don't get it, why? Did he really do that because-" Sam started, and Sunstreaker nodded.

"He believed we were a hindrance to our side in the war with the Decepticons. I was the one that started it, so..." he held up a hand. "Deactivation seemed, to him, like the right thing to do. His heart was… well, it was in the right place, in the grand scheme of things." Sam was silent for a few moments, as the concepts clicked into place in his mind.

_Deactivation._

"But what if-" Sam started, and Bee, knowing where he was going, whimpered. He buried his face in Sam's neck.

"I won't lie to you," Sunstreaker said quietly. "I know his views haven't changed. He still believes he did the right thing." The edge to his voice was all-too present to be ignored; he clearly didn't agree, not in the slightest. Seeing Sideswipe's pain had shown him, far too clearly, that Optimus had been wrong. "I'm not going to let that happen to anyone else. I think..." he drew in a breath, pained look on his face, "He deactivated me, but he really killed Sideswipe." Sunstreaker glanced back over his shoulder; the corvette was the last car outside, waiting for him. The smile that ghosted across his face wasn't missed by either Sam or Bumblebee. "It's like seeing the sun again after five hundred years of darkness..."

He moved to get up, then stopped. "But what  _were_ you guys doing under there, anyways?"


	10. Chapter 10

One of Sunstreaker's favorite things about the human hologram program was that it was much easier to hide as a human. It was harder to hide from someone as a Bot, especially seeing as their chosen hiding place was a rooftop at sunrise. Sunstreaker wrapped his arms around Sideswipe from behind, resting his chin on Sideswipe's shoulder. He'd been worrying about what to say, when they had hundreds of years' worth of words lost, but his anxiety had evaporated when Sideswipe pressed a knowing kiss to his lips, one that said  _I still love you._ Sunstreaker had told his story, about how he'd been reactivated- he guessed it was because the shard had released all its energy at once, but he wasn't really sure- and Sideswipe had told his, how Optimus had told him Sunstreaker had been killed by a Decepticon in battle, and that nothing could be done to save him. Sunstreaker had also worried that perhaps Sideswipe had moved on, that he'd given up, that things would have changed. The ease in which they found their lost ways assured him that Sideswipe had thought of no one else, that although he'd died, Sideswipe hadn't let his memory follow the same fate.

"You really thought I'd find someone else?" Sideswipe's whisper just barely broke the silence around them.

"Hoped you hadn't. I don't know what I would have done." He pressed a soft kiss to Sideswipe's neck. "You didn't know I could come back, so why wait?"

"Because," Sideswipe murmured, "you're the only one. And I missed you. Every day." Sunstreaker kissed Sideswipe's jaw, holding back tears.

"I'm sorry I left you alone... I should have kept our secret better, or fought harder, or-" the words tumbled from him in a rush of guilt and endless regret, but Sideswipe stopped him.

"It wasn't your fault." Sideswipe was so willing to forgive that Sunstreaker nearly cried.  _How can you still love me?_ He couldn't quite believe how lucky he was to have found Sideswipe, how much luckier he was that Sideswipe was still here with him,  _how can you still love me when I left you alone for so long? When I stole part of you? When I killed you when I died?_

"You should have found someone else. I let you down..." He couldn't go on, couldn't say how sorry he was for having stolen part of Sideswipe when he was deactivated. It was far too easy to see just how changed Sideswipe had been by the loss. He was more guarded, more cynical, more untrusting, and even though it felt just as natural and right to love him, Sunstreaker couldn't help but wish it was easier to break barriers. According to Ironhide, Sideswipe had turned guarded, trusting less and harboring more anger, missing Sunstreaker and hating that he was gone. Sunstreaker couldn't help the guilt.

Sideswipe turned in his arms, kissing him gently.

"I still love you."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Are you sure you're a qualified doctor?" Sam asked, possibly for the hundredth time. Ratchet glared at Sam until he sat back down in the chair he'd been appointed to. "I was just asking..."

"If you ask me that one more time-" Ratchet shook a pen at him, and Sam hung his head. "-I will lock you in a closet until I've finished, and might not even come back for you then!"

"I'm sorry... how long is it gonna take?"

"A few hours, give or take." He consulted the clipboard in his hand. "You may wait here, if you wish."  _Here_ was a small office down the hall from his operating room. Ratchet had added human medical care to his list of duties, and his territory had spread to include the human half of the med centre.

"I just had one question" Sam said, before Ratchet could leave, "how can you do this?"

"How so?"

"I mean... it's a hologram form that he's in, right? It's all light and receptors and stuff. How does that work?"

"He has a very... advanced program." Ratchet said. "You'll have to ask him for the details." He glanced up at the clock on the wall. "I have to go start now, Sam. I'll send someone out later to tell you how it's going, okay?" Sam nodded, eyes on the floor. Ratchet softened, putting a hand on Sam's shoulder. "He's going to be perfectly fine, trust me."

Despite Ratchet's promise that everyone was going to be just fine, Sam couldn't help but worry, more than probably was necessary. He couldn't' even begin to figure out how Ratchet could operate on a hologram that was more optical illusion than reality. And Ratchet had promised that it was a low-risk surgery, but sitting in the waiting room all alone, Sam was still terrified that the surgery would end, and he'd remain alone.

He worried for the next couple hours, silence broken only occasionally when the other doctor would come in and tell Sam that Bee was doing fine.

"Oh my God, is that blood?" Ratchet had walked back into the room, and Sam's eyes had instantly gone to the drop of blood on his shirt. Ratchet shook his head no.

"Sam, there is usually blood involved in surgery. Please calm down before you give yourself a heart attack." Ratchet looked like he was trying to hold back his exasperation.

"But-"

"He's fine." Ratchet said before Sam could jump out of his seat and ask how Bee was. "He's still fine. He still hasn't woken up, but should shortly. Except for the impending nervous breakdown, he's fine."

"Uh... why?"

"Let me put it this way, Sam" Ratchet looked down at him thoughtfully, "What if you had something you didn't want to say, and were suddenly so close to having no excuse not to say it-?" Sam just stared at him.

"What? Like what?"

"Besides" Ratchet went on, sitting in the chair across from Sam's, "think of it this way. Did you know that even when he's able to talk, he's quiet?"

"No..."

"Do you know the sort of things he'll comment on when you're just walking somewhere, whether he notices people, or things, or places?"

"No..."

"Do you know whether he likes to talk about how he feels, or what he thinks? Or if he focuses more on the present or future?"

"No..." Sam was starting to resent the line of questioning.

"Do you know the differences in his tones, the slight differences between defensive and angry, or when he's truly happy or just faking it?"

"No..."

"How about what Bumblebee's voice actually sounds like?" Ratchet finally asked. Sam dropped his head into his hands, feeling like his brain had just been wiped of everything he thought he knew. Recognizing Bee's voice. He couldn't even do that, couldn't recognize the voice that had whimpered in pain and pleaded forgiveness and screamed his name. He couldn't. All he'd heard had been mangled variations, nothing like what Bee truly sounded like. The realization twisted Sam's heart and left it burning.

"I have no idea." It was like there was a whole part to Bumblebee that he knew nothing about.

"Do you understand his anxiety now?" Sam just nodded yes. "He won't be able to speak, but would you like to see him? He should be awake any minute now."

"Yeah" Sam jumped to his feet, "please."

Sam was waiting for Bee to come back to consciousness, and while he waited, thoughts were blitzing through his mind so fast he could barely catch them, ranging from pieces of frivolity to deeper questioning. He wondered if he'd be able to taste the anesthesia on Bee's lips, and whether his 'bot form had felt the operation while his holo was out, and why hopsitals always tended towards white sheets, white paint and white curtains- and if he'd be able to recognize Bee's voice. It terrified him beyond all reason, that he might not be able to associate the voice with Bee. And if Bee was hurt by the fact that his own boyfriend didn't know his voice? Sam couldn't bear the thought. He hated to see that hurt look on Bumblebee's face, the way those amber eyes filled with misery and confusion, like he'd misunderstood everything that had happened and couldn't figure out why it was happening to him. The last thing Sam wanted was for Bee to get that look on his face when he realized that Sam didn't know him by voice alone.

"Please don't be hurt," he whispered, reaching out to grasp Bee's hand in his own, "please, please, please..." he bit his lip. "I don't know your voice, Bee, but I know you, please don't be hurt or mad that I don't know what your voice sounds like." The bandage around Bee's neck was over the incision, but in Sam's mind, it was healing his voice itself, because finally, there was something there. "Why did it have to happen like this?" He felt Bee's hand tighten around his, and his gaze jerked up to meet the amber-eyed one fixed on him. Bee released his hand to trail his fingertip over Sam's forearm, to spell out the word  _sorry._ "For what?" Bee shrugged. "Oh" Sam smiled slightly, recalling his previous words. "I was speaking sort of metaphorically, Bee, of course you didn't do anything." Bee gave him the coy smile he loved. "I was just..." Sam drew in a breath, as Bee laced his fingers with Sam's again. "Just thinking out loud. Nothing important." It was so obvious a lie that Bumblebee gave him a questioning look, but Sam shook his head no.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ironhide drove way too fast for Sam's comfort. He'd asked for a ride to the other end of the city, to the perimiter fence, which was where he could find the pair that Ironhide referred to as "the secret lovers oh oops I mean the twins" with a devilish smile. Apparently something was going on with the military people, something or other that involved a lot of people suddenly driving to one building, and Sam jsut thanked the heavens for traffic. He'd never been so happy to be forced to slow down. Ironhide was grumbling about it, slowing down to twelve miles an hour, and Sam was fianlly able to breathe. he settled back in his seat to watch the other cars roll slowly by. Sam had wanted to somehow ask Sunstreaker or Sideswipe about what had happened, to find some way of assuring Bumblebee that his life wasn't in danger just because they were sleeping together. Sam wasn't ready to think of it beyond that, although he'd rather die than admit it to Bee. He didn't know where they were going, how, nothing. He couldn't tell how serious they were or could get- Bee was still impossibly shy about it, after all. A ghosting touch was as far as he'd initiate himself, even though he clearly enjoyed everything beyond that with a wild, screaming passion. Sam couldn't figure out what either of them wanted, but for now, he'd leave it as it was and work on the new problem. At first, he'd thought the deactivation horror story was why Ironhide had warned him not to get into a relationship with Bee, but judging from the shock everyone had shown, that couldn't be it, because no one had known. It was too confusing for Sam to ponder over much, so he was thankful when they finally arrived at their destination. The two bots were repairing part of the perimeter fence, fixing the electrical current with small lasers and tools, talking in the cryptic cybertronian Sam couldn't understand. They usually tended not to; Sam had noticed that they usually reserved it for when they didn't want the humans to know, and, after begging translation out of other bots, it was used to hide when they were talking about the other bots. Sam would snicker and refer to it as the language of gossip, and when he did, Bee had arched an eyebrow and said that, thank you very much, it was also very good for cursing.

"What're they saying?" Sam asked, as the truck hung back. Ironhide backed up to where the two couldn't see them.

"I hate to interrupt" Ironhide said.

"Yeah, but what're they saying?"

"Let's see...." he listened to the staticky language for a few seconds, "Sunstreaker's saying that if he'd put up a fight, he would have died, and not been deactivated. Sideswipe can't believe Optimus could sink so low, Sunstreaker is saying that he'd thought Optimus would at least keep his promise. And, hmm... Sideswipe wants to- well, I'm not sure that could work, not unless Optimus was able to die seven times- and Sunstreaker is telling him to be civil, thank the heavens. He only listens to Sunstreaker, I swear." They talked a bit more, and suddenly, there was a loud, metallic sound, followed by the scent of something burning, and then laughter. "Sunstreaker said why he likes the human holos so much, and that they're good for, uh, physical sex." Sam snorted with laughter at that. "And now he's saying what he'd like to do to Sideswipe, and, Sam, we should really get going now." Sam just grinned and put on the parking brake, just to make a point. Ironhide groaned. "My, he's creative. I doubt he'd be able to find handcuffs around here too easily."

"There are cops around." Sam said, all-too helpfully, and Ironhide growled.

"Don't encourage them."

The two continued for some time more in the staticky language, but Ironhide stopped translating.

"What're they saying?" Sam asked insistently. Ironhide was quiet for a few more moments.

"They're talking about you and Bumblebee..." Ironhide finally said. "Sunstreaker hopes it will work out. Sideswipe says he's not sure it will. "

"Oh." Sam fell silent. "We have to pick up Bee, Ratchet's letting him out today." He didn't want to hear about his relationship anymore; the uncertainties and secrets he didn't know were excruciatingly painful.

Ratchet finally allowed Bee to leave the hospital a few hours later, on the condition that he wait at least until the next day to return to his duties around the city.

"Well?" Sam asked, pulling the car door shut behind them. Bee just looked at him, tilted his head slightly. "I just spent two days solid in the med centre with you... does that mean, y'know, something particular?" Bee kept the inquisitive look. "You still plan to go back to the hanger." Bee nodded, big amber eyes filled with a bewildered look. "Ratchet said you have to be taken care of a bit." Bee arched an eyebrow, leaning back against he door. "Don't give me that. You do. Well...?" Bee caught his bottom lip between his teeth, looking down. He'd looked listless before; his insecurity only made him look even more liable to collapse. "C'mon." Sam encouraged, hoping Bee would say it. He didn't care so much as Bee did; he wanted Bumblebee to know the limits of their relationship. Namely, he wanted Bee to know that he'd do nothing short of anything for him. Bee didn't seem to grasp how much he mattered. Bee looked at him a moment longer.  _Can I-_ he started to mouth silently, pausing for a moment,  _stay with you?_ Sam grinned, scooting closer to kiss Bee's lips gently.

"Of course. Always. " Bee's gaze met his. "C'mon. Don't tell me you still think you're asking a lot to be together?" Bee didn't look at him. "Listen." He put two fingers under Bee's chin to make Bee meet his eyes. "I feel like the luckiest guy in any galaxy because someone as unbelievable as you likes me."

Bumblebee gave him a heart-melting smile, silence telling Sam that he'd been waiting to hear that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Sam woke up, he couldn't figure out what was so different. He was curled up under the blankets against Bee's hard chest, head under Bee's chin. Bumblebee's arm was around him. Sam tried to take stock of the situation, but still couldn't figure out what was wrong. Late morning sunshine, check. Silence and no Decepticon attacks, check. Warm bed, check. Bee sleeping next to him- Sam flinched at the realization. Bee moaned from beside him, pulling him in closer. He'd been feverish after the surgery and Sam had, without thinking, treated him like a human and tucked him into bed.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sam yelped, "How?!" Bee blinked at him, mouthing,  _what did I do?_

"Were you actually sleeping?" Sam stammered out. Bee groaned, turning his face into Sam's chest. Sam ran his fingers through Bee's hair, feeling Bee's hold on him tighten. Bee nodded yes.

"Since when?" Sam asked. Bee frowned. He held up three fingers to indicate three AM, then paused, and then held up a three and zero and shrugged. Three or three thirty, he wasn't sure.  _Did something happen?_ he mouthed. It was clear he was about to panic.

"No, nothing." Sam said before Bee could jerk back, feeling him tense up, about to do just that. "Nothing at all. Calm down... I was just wondering." Having realized there was no danger to be had in the room, Bee's actions turned tired. He flung one arm towards the nightstand, grabbing the notebook Sam had left there and the pen, and scribbled something before showing it to Sam.

 _I was sleeping. I've been doing so for about four hours, and I made sure that someone was out keeping watch when I did. I haven't checked out completely._  Bee nuzzled against Sam;  _Promise,_ he mouthed.

"That's not my point. I mean, you've never... slept before."

 _Have too._  Bee's silent tone was wavering because of the look in his eyes. He was lying. Sam may not have known whether Bee would speak quicker when he lied, or if his voice got softer, but he knew the look that accompanied the silence of a lie.

"No, you haven't. Why now? Why not ever before?" He looked down to study Bee. The covers had slipped down, leaving Bee shivering and clutching Sam. Sam traced a fingertip from Bee's shoulder to his hip, feeling the shudder it evoked, how Bee squirmed to try and get closer to him. Sam put that aside, though, continuing to stare.

Something was different.

More precisely, that something was composed of a lot of little somethings. Sam continued to trail his fingertips across Bee's warm skin, taking note of the small things. Bee's neck was warmer than the rest of him, it seemed. There were uneven parts in his tan, right at the inside of his shoulder, like he'd been burned and tanned over it, leaving his skin almost unnoticeably lighter there. Bee whimpered when Sam's fingertip skimmed over his ear, finding the tiny bump there, what Sam's mother used to call "fairybites" when Sam was a toddler pointing out the miniscule imperfection on his baby cousin's ear. Sam kept at his examination, his study. There was a small dash of a scar on Bee's hand, almost completely invisible. Sam kept looking. Bee's hair wasn't all dark brown, but was a mix of brunette shades. Bee looked up at him and bared his teeth to get Sam to quit moving and go back to sleep, and Sam swore that the- what were they called? the vampire-looking ones, he thought, canines?- were sharper, less movie-star perfect than they'd been yesterday, and he swore that yesterday, Bumblebee hadn't had that cute little barely-there underbite. Sam could have gone on, but he stopped. Putting what he'd discovered together, Sam realized that everything had most definitely not been there previously. "You're different." Saying  _you're not perfect anymore_ sounded, to him, like a bad thing to say, and Sam very well knew how sensitive Bumblebee could get.

Bee groaned, yanking the covers up over his head. He pushed the notebook up out of the blankets.  _Maybe you're just not observant._

"Yeah, maybe." Sam allowed reluctantly. It wasn't like he had any better explanation, anyways. Bee made a show of pitching the pen out of the bed and snuggling in next to Sam. Conversation over.

Sam was only able to put it out of his mind until the late afternoon, because when Bee returned from the tech building, he looked different again. It was his smile that clued Sam in. As Bee flung his arms around Sam for a hug, Sam remembered the way it had been sweetly imperfect that morning, and now, he'd somehow returned to that silver-screen flawlessness.

"What's going on?" He let the thought turn verbal before he could catch it. Bee let him go, tilted his head in a question.

"I, um-" Sam looked around discreetly, then pointed to the building Bee had left, "Sideswipe doesn't usually hang out there. Something going wrong?" He'd been hoping for an explanation, so he'd brought along a notebook. No explanation was coming, but he handed it over anyways. Bee scribbled, then showed.

_Oh, no. Nothing like that. He's just waiting for Ironhide. Clubbing. Guess you were lame company?_

"Maybe" Sam rolled his eyes. "Ironhide's got a thing for changing holograms. He does it more than any of you."

Bee shrugged, mouthing,  _he's weird._

"So, how're you doing?" Big amber eyes blinked up at him, not as bright as usual, but definitely better than even hours before. "Better. Awesome. Ratchet said you'd be able to talk tomorrow morning. You know, there's still one thing I just don't get..." he shook his head slowly. "I mean, sure, holo's can be real advanced, but human enough to do surgery on?" The guilty look on Bee's face was instantly masked, but Sam still saw it. "What?" Bee shook his head no, but Sam knew when he was avoiding the truth. "What is it, Bee?"

Okay. He knew the just-destroyed-your-garage-again guilty look. He knew the more intense guilty look of took-out-your-bedroom-with-a-cannon. He knew the lied-about-everything-for-the-past-month look. But the look on Bee's face was more apologetic than that; there was something like shame, and Sam didn't even want to think about what he was hiding. He tapped the notebook in Bee's hand. "Please." Bee just stared down at the paper for a few long moments. He wrote something out, with painstakingly slow strokes, and finally held it out for Sam to see.

_Ratchet didn't operate on my holo form._

"I thought he said he did..." Sam said slowly. "Then what?" Bee bowed his head again. "Bumblebee." The notebook was scribbled on and held up again.

_He operated on my human form._

"Human...?" Sam could only stare. "What does that mean? Different, what, program?" Bee shook his head no.

_I have a third alternate form._

"What?" Sam could tell he wasn't grasping the idea. Bee wrote something else, stared down at it for a while, then, looking away, showed Sam.

_I can be a hologram of a human, like the others. But I can also become a human. It's my third form._

Sam could only gape. Bee could be human. That wasn't possible. It wasn't possible for an Autobot to turn into a human, not unless his spark was different from everyone else's. The idea was impossible for Sam to wrap his brain around. If his spark was different, then he was different, and there were different rules, and there were different consequences, and nothing would ever be the same again. Things had all just changed- he'd run into a race of mechanical beings-, and then changed again- he was now dating one- and Sam could barely keep up. They couldn't be changing. Not now. Not yet.

"Bumblebee, what the hell are you saying?! No one will tell me! All I've heard is that I don't know something, that it's not going to work out, that I don't know what I'm getting myself into, that you're not saying something, and, dammit, Bumblebee, what is it?!"

One more phrase was written down. Bee hung his head, biting his lip hard, and when he showed Sam the paper, Sam saw tear stains.

Could holos feel it when they cried?

_I used to be human._


	11. Chapter 11

Time had stopped. It had done so for Bumblebee, years upon years ago, and it seemed to be stopping again. Sam's whole world had spun to a shuddering stop, balanced on the knife-tip of those shattering words.

Bee was gone. He'd slipped away before Sam could say a word. Sam looked at the notebook Bee had shoved at him, and read the last words there. It was like Bee was shouting at him, in his silent way.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

Sam couldn't understand. Couldn't understand any of what Bee had been talking about. His frazzled mind jumped through options, and eventually told him that Ratchet would know everything and explain it to him.

The med centre was farther than Sam had realized. He sprinted down the sidewalk, trying to avoid the people walking and, much of the time, just barely being left standing. Bee's last silent words kept ringing through his mind, in absolute silence. If they were true- and he couldn't imagine Bee would be such a wreck over a lie- then nothing he knew was true anymore. Bumblebee had been lying to him. Sam recalled, too late, something Ironhide had said- that all senses are dulled in holograms. That would certainly explain why sometimes, Bee's responses were a hell of a lot more intense than other times, like he'd suddenly just discovered how great it felt, what Sam was doing to him, like he'd only just figured out how to feel. It was why sometimes he looked like a holo and sometimes like a human. It was what no one would tell Sam, and Sam wished he'd  _known._

When Sam reached the med centre, he was painfully out of breath, and fairly certain he'd about killed himself with exertion.

"Ratchet! Ratchet! Ratchet!" The Autobot came into view from around the huge doorway.

"Sam, are you all right?" He looked overly concerned, so Sam just nodded.

"Bumblebee-" he gasped out, "Bumblebee was a  _human?!"_ Ratchet said nothing for a moment, just watching Sam pant himself to near death.

"I see you've found out." He muttered. He held out a hand for Sam to climb onto, and brought him up to eye level. "And I expect you have questions."

"Oh, hell yes I do!" Sam scowled, crossing his arms over his chest. "Can you please explain to me what the hell he was talking about?! It's not possible!"

"Think, Sam." Ratchet said gently. "Did Bee seem like the rest of us?"

"Yeah! Yeah, he did!"  
"No. He's always been smaller and more easily injured. He has an easier time fitting in with humans. And have you never questioned how, with our millions of years of technological advancements, I cannot fix something as simple as his voice mod? There was a way to bring Optimus back to life, so why not to fix something involving a handful of cables and little else?" Sam could only stare. "He is not exactly like us."

"What difference then does he have?" Sam stared up at him, wide-eyed. "He said he used to be human. What does that mean? You can't change species! You're born a human, you stay a human! It's like a law of the universe!"

"He wasn't a human for long, Sam. He wasn't born a human. Shall I tell you this story, or should Bumblebee?"

"He can't talk yet." Sam muttered. "And I doubt he's gonna talk to me."

"Very well then." Ratchet didnt' seem to have caught the dark tone, or if he had, he'd ignored it. "What you would think of as a very long time ago, I was studying to be a medic, under the direction of another Autobot, named Inlay. He was one of the best medics known. We had come to Earth as part of an exploration team; it was one of my first times in the field. We were in an area we thought was deserted of all human life, and there was an... accident. A Decepticon had followed us, and attacked us, and in the midst of this, two humans we hadn't seen were badly injured. We'd never wanted to hurt any humans, so Inlay tried to save them. The man died, and the woman was soon to follow, but when Inlay heard her crying about her unborn baby-" Ratchet paused, and then, a woman's voice came from a small speaker.

 _"No, no, not my baby, please, no, it hasn't even gotten to live yet, God, please, save my baby-"_ her sobs were wrung of nearly all hope, leaving the raw desperation as she pleaded with anyone who could hear her; she'd never thought her prayers wouldn't go unheard, or that she would be helped by a being from another planet.

"Her baby wasn't born yet, so, for lack of a better description, it was more of a living being than a human. Inlay knew of an old, old procedure that few Bots knew. He never got the chance to teach me." Ratchet went on. Another saved voice file was retrieved and played.

 _"-it's one of the oldest procedures" a deep voice said, metered with a calm patience. "Back when our race lived in the utmost secrecy, any other being who saw was changed so they would be unable to spread the secret without exposing themselves. Ancient procedure that it is, very, very few know how to do it. Fewer still know the consequences. It used to be infrequently used, more of a last resort than anything else, but recently, it's come into better usage."_  There was a pause. " _His mother will die, but we can save the baby."_ The sound file was interrupted by an interjection from the younger version of Ratchet, asking  _why?,_ and Inlay's voice went on,  _"This procedure is now meant to again achieve balance. Our race was not meant to harm any innocent others. These humans died due to a battle between Autobots and Decepticons. If we hadn't come, they would still be alive._ " There was the soft background noise still, like lasers and beams were running. " _It is only right to try and restore the balance. The only way I can is to make her unborn child one of us. It would be far more difficult to save the mother, and she would forever miss her family. A more skilled medic could do it, but I never learned how. So we will save the child."_

" _Is that fair?"_  Ratchet's younger voice interrupted. Sam sank to sit in the palm of Ratchet's hands, unable to believe what he was hearing. He could almost imagine the clearing in the forest, almost feel the rain he could hear start up in the sound file.  _"Fair to the child?"_

 _"This way, he will have a chance to live. He will have nothing to miss."_  There was the sound of clattering metal.  _"It's not much, but his body will adapt and become more like us."_

" _Like?"_

 _"Like. Perhaps not exactly the same, but very close."_  There was the sound of a laser, and the sound file snapped off.

"He affixed the child's concept to a shard of spark." Ratchet explained to Sam. "I still could not explain how. He touched the spark to her, and the concept of the child was transferred from her to the shard he placed in metal. It was the closest thing to magic I've seen yet, but the intricacies of the procedure... it lasted hour after hour. And in the end..." the sound file clicked back on.

" _At last."_  Inlay's voice. " _The new little one."_  A metallic sound was heard, like a buzzing. The young Ratchet laughed.

 _"He's like a little bumblebee."_ There was a clanking, and then a wail rose up.  _"He even thinks he can fly."_

" _See, now, how his bot form can change its chemical makeup, and allow him to become human? The parts are replaced by their human counterparts. It's not like using the same parts to shift into another form; each part takes on its counterpart. His spark merged with his human heart, giving him the ability to actually change, not rearrange. Oh, poor thing,"_  Inlay chuckled,  _"he can't crawl very well, can he? Come on, little one..."_

 _"He changed back"_ Ratchet said, young voice filled with awe.  _"It's amazing..."_

 _"You can watch him grow. He's yours to watch over."_  The file clicked off.

"He meant it as a med project, but, well, once you name a bot, you get rather attached" Ratchet's voice had a slight smile in it. "So, you see..." the amusement disappeared. "He was never born human, but, yes, he was intended to be."

"I can't believe you know how to switch species..."

"No one does anymore." Ratchet said. "It died with Inlay. He meant to teach me, but shortly afterwards, he was killed in battle. It wasn't so much as a species switch, anyways, because he was able to retain the body he would have had, in an alternate form. He got older as a Bot, though. That's why he had the vocal problem; he was never truly able to mature as a human in that respect. Something has to give, and he's lucky it was just his voice." Ratchet paused, looking down at hte mystified look on Sam's face. "It's one of the mysteries of the Allspark. There are others like him, who I haven't met in a long time, but there are a few others."

Sam just stared for a long while. The voice files replayed in his own mind, the only records of Bee's life. He wondered if Bee had heard his mother's voice, envisioned what his life would have been, had she lived, if he'd heard the way the rain had come down on the day he was- what, born? Changed? Stolen? Saved?

"Has he heard all that?" Sam asked finally. Ratchet nodded.

"When I first told him, it… it upset him. A great deal." What he was saying, Sam realized, was that Bumblebee had been devastated to find out that he wasn't a normal Bot, that he was so drastically different. Sam knew what Bee was like when he was truly, deeply upset; Bee used anger to hide hurt, and when whatever it was that hurt him didn't go away, he would break down and cry, and every heart would break along with his own. "He's still an Autobot, just… different."

"But he's human."

"Sometimes" Ratchet said softly, "Yes, sometimes he is human, physically. But, Sam, do remember that, mentally, emotionally, we're all always the same."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam had all-but forgotten about his classes at the university as of late. The week following his latest discovery about Bumblebee found Sam in calculus class. It had been a week he'd jammed with school and little else, a week without confrontation, a week without conflict, a week without Bumblebee. That wasn't to say his presence wasn't still there, however. Sam was all the way at the back of the class by the window, gazing up at the board, chin in his hand. He couldn't really see, and he could understand even less.

"-as illustrated on page fifteen-" he heard, followed by the sound of flipping pages. Sam opened his textbook and sighed. There was a scrap of paper stuck between pages fourteen and fifteen, that read  _I'm sorry._ It was in the strange handwriting he'd come to recognize. Sometimes it was neat and strangely old-fashioned, like something out of an ancient book, and sometimes, it was barely legible, more like squiggly lines than anything, like he'd rushed through writing it. Far as Sam could tell, Bee was torn between the writing he'd learned long, long ago, and his haste for doing everything. Sam took the paper out and crumpled it. Out of curiosity, he turned the page. Sure enough, there was another piece of paper there, with the same apology on it, some written neatly, some a mess. He flipped another page, another, another, and as he went, had to remove pieces of paper with the scrawled I _'m sorry_ on every single one.

Within ten minutes, he'd removed two hundred and eighty-seven apologies, and there were still more, between every single page in the book. A quick check told him that every single textbook and notebook in his backpack was the exact same. It wasn't exactly surprising. He hadn't seen Bee all week, but Bee had somehow been leaving notes for him everywhere. His ingenuity needed better work, because it was being used solely to find new places to leave apologies. In drawers, DVD boxes, backpacks, around pencils and curtain pulls, on windows and doorknobs and screens, tucked into jacket hoods and pockets, and- Sam lifted his shoe to check, and, yes, the words were written on the bottom of his shoe, too. Okay. He got the idea that Bee was sorry he'd lied. (Then again, how could he not? It was being drilled into his thoughts every direction he turned). But as sorry as Bumblebee was, Sam couldn't help the deep-seated irritation. For reasons all his own, Bee had kept information secret again, and Sam couldn't figure out why Bee couldn't trust him enough to admit it.

"Sam" Tanner whispered from the desk next to his, "What are you doing?" he shot an amused look at the pile of paper scraps on Sam's desk.

"Nothing much, you?" He scooped all the papers into his backpack casually. Tanner grinned.

"Also nothing."

Talking to Tanner every day had been Sam's small rebellion that he felt immensely guilty about. It felt like cheating, regardless of whatever it was. He wasn't sure where he stood with Bee, if they were together, if they weren't, if they were serious, if they had something going, if it was over. He hadn't spoken to Bee since, had no idea where he currently was, what he was doing. One thing he knew, though, was that Bee was definitely talking again, and he was missing it, but Sam had locked steel over his heart and decided not to care.

Still, every word Tanner responded with, he wondered what it would sound like from Bee.

It wasn't flirting, not yet. Sam was pretty sure he'd curl up and die of guilt if he went that far. Even so, talking almost felt worse, because it was the one thing he hadn't been able to do with Bee. And now that he finally, finally could, he was talking to someone else.

"What're you thinking about?" Tanner asked softly. Sam shrugged.

"Nothing."

The guilt only increased every time he talked to Tanner. The man was so obviously Bee's opposite that Sam felt guilty for even looking at him, like he was turning his back on Bumblebee entirely. Tanner was blonde, lithe, pretty and chatty where Bumblebee was brunette, modestly muscular, sexy and silent. Tanner was trained to carry guns and fire on orders, and Bee, as a Bot, had them built into his arms, and when he was a holo- or a human, Sam thought with a twinge of anger- Sam took delight when Bee would grin and flex his biceps at Sam's beg of 'c'mon, show me your guns'. Damn, but he loved doing that. Sam frowned at the deliciously fond memory. Regardless of everything he'd had with Bee, it was tainted by the fact that Bee couldn't trust him.

Beside him, Tanner gave him a questioning, concerned look before turning back to the lecture. The main draw in regards to Tanner, Sam knew, was something he couldn't be blamed for. He loved how Tanner trusted him. From ridiculous secrets to heavier confessions, Tanner told him and knew he wouldn't tell and told him everything. Sam knew that Tanner was to blame for some of the best pranks on record against Lennox, the latest being parking a non-Autobot truck in his parking space and rigging it up with a different voice speaker, and the voice that sounded uncannily like Ironhide was speaking in hysterical Italian so he thought Ironhide had just lost it entirely. Sam knew who Tanner had kissed and who'd kissed him, and he knew exactly which of the men Tanner found attractive but had no chance with. He knew that Tanner had joined the military right out of high school, and that his mother had sobbed and forbid him to do so, so he'd snuck out and gone anyways, coming home to make amends well later. He knew Tanner's brother didn't exactly love the fact that the older brother he'd looked up to all his life was gay, and that his mother had been thrilled to bits when he'd come out, because she'd known all his life and hoped he'd be strong enough to tell her.

All that did was make Sam even more infuriated with Bee. One fact. One single fact that was part of who Bumblebee  _was,_ and he couldn't tell Sam. Sam had told Bumblebee everything. Always. He'd confessed everything in the few years he'd known Bee, nothing held back, because he'd trust Bee with more than his life. And then he'd found out that Bumblebee hadn't trusted him with something like this. And that hurt more than anything Bee could have said or done otherwise.

Sam wished that was the only reason he was mad, but it also brought up another reason he was endlessly guilty about. The fact that Bumblebee was something of a human made their relationship seem so much more real. Before, he'd been dating a  _hologram,_ and Sam had found it hard to call it a real relationship when his boyfriend would flicker in and out of existence. This serious, it was more scary than he'd care to admit. Hell, he'd balked at telling Mikaela he loved her, and that was a logical, lead-to-the-future step. Committing to Bee was full of uncertainties and insurmountable obstacles. The one that worried Sam the most, though, was the simple fact of life. Sam knew he was being extreme- for all he knew, Bee just liked their physical relationship and that was it- but he couldn't help but worry.

If, by some cruel twist of fate, Bee were to fall in love with him, Sam knew the 'Bot would be set up for heartbreak.

Humans could only live so long.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam leaned against the metal rail, truly surprised he could see the stars. The city glowed with light, as if the illumination came from its very heart, but even so, the faintest pinpricks could still be seen in the black sky overhead. Sam wondered if the sky was the same no matter where you were, and remembered Bee once silently telling him that it was the same on every planet, that the only thing in the universe that ever changed was the world beneath the stars. He supposed this also meant that, had Bumblebee stayed human, he would have seen the same sky. The thought led to too many more, and Sam couldn't help but stumble down the path.

If Bee had stayed human, he would have stayed back in whatever century it was. He would have lived in another fraction of time and he would have stayed there, and he would have died there. There was no possibility that Sam would have ever known him at all. Sam gazed up at the stars, trying to imagine what would have happened if Bee had ever gotten the chance to do the same, years ago.

He would have ended up with an old car that stayed a car. He would have been studying and working and meeting people that weren't oftentimes composed of nothing more than light and optical illusion. He would have many, many less scars and seen many, many fewer people die.

Abruptly, his thought pattern changed direction, shunting him away from where he was going and putting him elsewhere.

He would have never met Bumblebee.

His ringing phone distracted him, and he answered after checking to see who it was- or, rather, wasn't. His last call had been from his mother a few days ago, and had lasted well over two hours, and he wasn't really up for another call like that.

"Mikaela? Hi." She hadn't spoken him to since before he'd come to the city, but he'd made her promise to check in and say she was all right.

"Hey, Sam. Just wonderin' what was up with you, how the city is, all that." He told her a little about the city- he should have known she'd wonder about it, the Bots had been bragging about it for a year before it had even been built- and then, she asked him something else. "How are you and Bee?" He couldn't quite figure out if she meant it like him  _and_ Bee, or him, and, also, Bee. "Yes, you and Bee like youandBee."

"How'd you... uh..." Sam struggled to articulate, but Mikaela laughed.

"I'd have to be blind not to realize he had the hots for you. So?"

"Um... good. Yeah. Good." Sam stammered, too flatly for her to truly believe.

"That's nice, liar."

"It's complicated, Mikaela."

"Work it out. Bee's crazy about you. I gotta go, my dog's about to eat a wrench. Just wanted to tell you I haven't gotten attacked by Decepticons and see how the city was. See you!"

Sam debated tossing his phone off the side of the railing, but decided that it would probably just cause more problems. He'd have to replace his phone, and he'd  _still_ get called. He held his hand out over the railing, fingers closed around his phone, dreaming about what it would be like to have a nice, stress-free and phone-call-free life. It didn't seem even remotely possible.

"Sam." He didn't turn at the voice, not exactly willing to talk to Sideswipe or Sunstroke or Ironhide or whoever it was. Deep-ish voice, low, sexy, and the three Bots sounded kind of similar when he was doing his best not to hear. "Please, Sam..." Okay, that killed his ideas. Ironhide didn't know how to be polite, Sideswipe didn't know how to be gentle, and Sunstreaker didn't know how to be hesitant. Sam reluctantly drew his phone away from the void and turned. Bumblebee stood a short ways away from him, eyes downcast. "You couldn't tell it was me." he mumbled under his breath, but seemed to push that aside, looking up and going on. "Sam, I get why you're mad, I really do, but- but can you please, please not be? I just... I didn't tell you, because I didn't... I don't know. I didn't want to make things so serious. I... shit, I don't  _know_  what I was thinking. I'm sorry, though." He crossed his arms over his chest, looking from Sam to the lights of the city beyond. "I know it was stupid not to tell you, but... how could I? Would you have even wanted to know?"

Sam just looked at him. He wasn't sure he did, and sure enough, Bee had seen that before he had. Bee being human sometimes changed everything, because there was a lot more of a future there, if he was human, Sam thought. His lack of response made Bee frown. "Fine, be mad! My body also happens to be in human form sometimes, too, okay?! I'm a fucking freak of every planet's nature, but that doesn't mean everything! I know it's a stretch for you because nothing on your planet is like this, but can't you do me a favor and pretend you get it? No matter what I am, I'm still the same! Just because I didn't tell you all this doesn't mean what I feel about you changes with my form. I'm always the  _same!_ " He drew in a sharp breath, but Sam still couldn't find the words to jump in with. He 'd never seen Bee so upset. Remembering instances of lesser upset, he knew that Bee couldn't hold out for long. Sam really, really didn't want to let it get that bad. Angry or not, he hated seeing Bumblebee so brokenly distraught. "Sam, I'm still the same, I've always been the same, and you know what? I'm the same right now as I was when I was your fucking car! No matter what I am, nothing about the way I feel changes!"

"I know that" Sam finally broke in. His sudden interjection made Bee fall absolutely silent and stay that way. "But you coulda... told me. I mean, come  _on,_ you can  _trust_ me, Bee. Don't you get that yet?"

"It's not that I don't trust you," Bee said quietly, "I swear it's not. I just…" He crossed his arms tighter over his chest, hesitation practically visible, "I didn't want to scare you away." Sam was about to protest that he couldn't, but the words died on his lips. That very well could scare him away, and damn near had. It was because things had turned so serious, so fast, and he wasn't sure what to think.

What Bee couldn't tell him was the real reason. Bumblebee trusted Sam whole-heartedly, so much it scared him, but there were some things he couldn't admit to, couldn't even think about. He didn't want to scare Sam away, didn't want to be too serious. He just wanted whatever it was they had to last as long as it could, and he wanted to get as much out of it as possible, because years and years after Sam was gone, it would be all he had to hold onto.

When he looked up, Sam was right in front of him, watching him carefully. Slowly, he reached out a hand, and Bee knew that gesture anywhere. Relief washed over him and he accepted Sam's embrace, holding on tight and doing his best to lose himself in Sam and forget everything else.

"Missed you last week" Sam murmured in his ear. "Seemed like you had a lot of free time, though. Must have used up six hundred sheets of paper."

"Wanted you to understand." He turned his face into Sam's neck, pressing a kiss to the warm skin there. "Like your shoe?"

"Very cute. Can I reuse it as your apology for whenever you tick me off by waking me up early?"

"I don't apologize for that, it's my  _job"_ Bee scoffed.

"Your  _job_ isn't to be an alarm clock!" Sam sighed, and Bee just grinned. "You're impossible, you know that? When you're not driving me crazy when we're together, I get distracted thinking about you when you're not with me!" The absolute fondness in his voice made Bee cuddle closer and smile.

"You think about me?"

"Bee." Sam said, tone turning stone serious. "That has to be the stupidest question I have  _ever_ heard. Even worse than that one time Miles asked if you were possessed." Bee snickered and nipped at Sam's ear.

"What were you thinking about?" He drew back to look at Sam, and grinned at the blush he saw. "C'mon, what?" He bumped Sam with his hip, eyes alight with curiosity. Sam gave him a guilty, cute look.

"That thing you do…" He blushed from light crimson to scarlet, even as a smile crept to his face. Bee was radiating  _tell me tell me tell me,_ and Sam could never resist that. He grinned. "Show me your guns."

Bee threw back his head and laughed. He did just as Sam asked, flexing the enviable biceps to show off and then diving in for the thank-you kiss he felt he so deserved. Sam wanted to stay on that rooftop at sunset forever, and listen to the laugh he'd never, ever heard before, but eventually, Bee, ever the guardian, nudged him off to go to sleep. Sam wasn't about to complain, though. Later, curled up under the covers next to Bee, he decided that this place was every bit as good. Bee trailed his fingers through Sam's hair, whispering who-knew-what, in that voice Sam couldn't get enough of. Sam had never heard a better lullaby, and was soon lulled almost to sleep by the sound of Bumblebee's voice.

"I don't ever want to miss this again" Sam murmured into Bee's chest, snuggling in closer, feeling Bee wrap his arms around him tighter. "Even a week was too long to live without you."

Sam never did see the sorrowful look on Bee's face as he gave Bumblebee yet another memory to cling to during the lonely years that would someday follow, in the future they couldn't share.


	12. Chapter 12

Sam loved how Bee, now that he had his voice about him, would talk to himself or inanimate objects, even though the habit never stopped fooling Sam into thinking there was someone else there. Sam pulled the blankets back up, blinking in the morning sunlight. Bee had woken up before him, even though he'd fallen asleep far later and woken up more often. The pattern had been the same for quite a while, but never ceased to worry Sam.

"Know what? I hate you. I freakin' hate you and wish you'd spontaneously combust. And know what I'd do then? I'd fuckin' laugh!" Sam wondered who Bee was talking to, until he saw Bee on the floor next to his dresser, growling at the minimal space between it and the wall. "Fine. Stay all the way back there where I can't fucking reach you. But if I ever get my hands on a cattle prod, you'd better watch out, you little brat!" He straightened, dusting off his jeans. "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry..." He sheepishly held up the cord to the alarm clock. "It was unplugged, and the outlet's way back there."

"I don't think we need an alarm clock." Sam yawned, reluctantly sitting up. "You wake up early enough without it."

"I woke you up?" Bee's eyes widened, and Sam sighed.

"Exactly how did you get to be so hyper-sensitive?"

"I'm your  _guardian,_ I'm supposed to worry about you!"

"Yeah" Sam slid off the bed, starting towards his closet, "but would you do me a favor and worry about yourself a little bit, too? Please? Because the whole you-not-sleeping thing worries me." He pulled on a shirt and looked at Bee over his shoulder. "And don't give me that whole I-recharge-not-sleep thing, because I can  _tell_ when you're a holo and when you're not." Bee looked at him for a moment.

"How can you do that?" He sounded mystified, possibly one of the cutest things Sam had ever heard.

"Because I know every inch of you and can tell when you're perfect and when you're you, that's how." Bee shrugged at that, sinking to his knees again to once again tackle the outlet problem. "Anything going on today?"

"Umm... I have to go the mechanics building for a while. I saw that Sideswipe and Optimus are both supposed to be in the engineering building at the same time later, so I'm going to go there and watch, cuz that's bound to be entertaining. Oh, and, you're skipping calculus today. And that's it."

"Why am I skipping calc?" Sam had finished getting dressed and wandered over to sit on the floor by Bee.

"Because I want you to." Bee managed to get his hand behind the dresser and get the plug into the electrical socket. Sam grinned at the blatant demand. Bee seemed to be warming up to the fact that he  _did_ have a say in whatever it was they had, and, Sam would blush if he had to admit it, it was pretty hot to be bossed around by someone so gorgeous, and the sexy, made-for-commanding voice certainly helped. The only thing was, Sam couldn't quite make the connection between his class and Bee's whims.

"Can I ask why?" He leaned back against the wall, yawning. The next thing he knew, Bee had straddled him and was kissing him, hard. Sam yanked Bee closer, moaning with delight when Bee squirmed in his lap and fisted his hands in Sam's shirt. Bee drew back after a few moments.

"No." He wiggled his ass against Sam again, and Sam couldn't help the moan that escaped him. "You can't." He bent to press gentle kisses along Sam's neck. "Sorry." He crawled off, and Sam pouted.

"You have  _got_ to stop doing that."

"What?" Bumblebee gave him a great imitation of innocence in response.

"You're a little tease, that's what. Gonna make me wait all day?" Sam grinned when Bee gave him an indignant look.

"Oh, so I'm a  _tease_ now?"

"The best tease ever."

"Okay." Bee jumped up, wicked smile making Sam highly suspicious, "I can work with that." He had no time to protest as Bee scooped him up off the floor and all but heaved him onto the bed. "I don't have to be at the mechanics thing for an hour." Sam yelped with delight when Bee practically pounced on him.

"Have I told you-" Sam managed to say, before Bee could blur his mind completely, "that you're the best boyfriend  _ever?"_

"I'm your only, ever." Bee corrected, removing his mouth from Sam for that fraction of a second, eyes bright with delight.

"Yeah" Sam groaned at Bee's whispering touch across his skin, "And I'm keeping it that way."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If it wasn't one thing, it was another. The fourth of July decorations were finally gone- they'd been up since July, and it was now September. In their place, however, were a ridiculous amount of Christmas decorations. Sam peeked into the living room of the rec building, where they'd held the Independence Day party, and saw, once again, ladders and decorations out.

"You guys do know that there are holidays in between July Fourth and Christmas, right?" He checked to see that he wasn't going to get hurt as soon as he crossed the doorway, then went over to where Lennox was supervising the hanging of a garland across the windows.

"Who wants to decorate for those?" Lennox snorted, reaching out to keep Epps' ladder from falling, "Seriously, turkeys and pumpkins?"

"Can't say I'm a huge fan of Halloween" Epps put in from above their heads, "my daughters are gonna dress up as princesses or something, which means they're gonna be shedding sparkles  _everywhere._ I feel pretty unmanly when my uniform's covered in pink glitter!"

"It added a nice touch" Lennox snickered, and Epps tried, unsuccessfully, to kick him in the head. "Besides, we're not the ones to blame for  _all_  this stuff"

"Yeah? Who else do I need to thank?" Sam laughed.

"Well, for starters, Tanner and his posse are the mistletoe maniacs." Lennox waved a hand towards the cafe, where Sam could just see someone teetering atop a ladder.

"So  _that's_ who it is?" Another voice made Sam turn, to see Sideswipe coming into the room, holo as perfect as always.

"Why?" Lennox tried to hide a laugh. "Problems?"

"Oh, no, no problems" Sideswipe rolled his eyes. "Just about seven girls flinging themselves at me. That's all. No problems. At least," he added with a grin, "Not compared to the hell I got for it."

"Jealous?" Sam guessed, knowing Sunstreaker must have walked in on at least a few of those forced kisses. Sideswipe grinned.

"I'll have to make it up to him somehow. So if we both vanish for a few hours-"

"Nothing short of a global meltdown would make me come looking for you" Sam jumped in quickly, and Sideswipe just laughed. "Aren't you supposed to be at the engineering place today?"

"Was, but I traded jobs with Ironhide so I wouldn't be." Sideswipe shrugged.

The loud crash from the other room concerned no one but Sam. Lennox, Epps and Sideswipe didn't bother with so much as a glance, so Sam took it upon himself to make sure no one had broken a bone or died. The ladder lay on its side, and, once again, Tanner was the one it had pitched from its top step. Judging from the sulk on his face, the only thing hurt was his pride.

"You okay?" Sam offered a hand that Tanner happily took to stand.

"Ladder's out to kill me, but other than that, I'm fine." He looked over Sam's shoulder to loudly add, "No need to  _worry_ about me or anything!"

"Decepticons don't tend to be ladders" Sideswipe shrugged. "You'll live." He said, then added under his breath, "unfortunately." Tanner just sighed- he'd long since resigned himself to the fact that both Ironhide and Sideswipe had it out for him- and looked back to Sam.

"Glad at least one person cares that I don't kill myself trying to decorate." Tanner played with the roll of tape in his hands, grinning. "And it's sure not him." He nodded towards Sideswipe, who

made a face at him and returned to his conversation with Lennox and Epps.

"What exactly was so important that you decided to risk your neck, anyways?" Sam asked, then, remembering Lennox's reference to Tanner, really wished he hadn't.

"What else?" He pointed up, and Sam saw the mistletoe Tanner had managed to affix to the doorway above them. Sam knew what that meant. Before he could so much as think of a way to protest, Tanner had leaned in and given him a quick, sweet kiss. Sam about jumped out of his skin when, the second the swift kiss ended, he felt a hand at his back he figured to belong to Tanner.

"Hey." Not Tanner, but, damn, this was about a thousand times worse. Sam bit his lip.

"Hi, Bee." He had to beat down the instinct to apologize profusely and beg forgiveness- plenty of time for that later- but the shake in his voice probably told Bee all that anyways.

"You must be Tanner." Bee kept his hand at Sam's back, just looking at Tanner. "Heard you guys had calculus together." The realization dawned on Sam with a fair amount of dread. Bee knew Tanner was in calc with him, how could he not know? It wasn't exactly the hardest thing to figure out.

"Yup." Tanner was blissfully unaware of who he was talking to. "Can't say it's my favorite subject. I'm no genius at math."

"Uh-huh." Bee looked up at the mistletoe pointedly.

"Oh, we decided to decorate for Christmas early." Tanner said cheerily. Sam looked back, but Bee's expression didn't tell him much, except that Bee wasn't exactly thrilled to be talking to Tanner. When Bee caught his eye, Sam mouthed,  _Save me,_ and no more, deciding to let Bee interpret that as he wanted to.

"Right. Well." Bee discreetly checked to see who else was in earshot, and upon confirming that no one besides the three of them was near enough- Sideswipe, Lennox and Epps had left the room- went on. "I guess it counts as ignorance this time, but I'd  _really_ appreciate it-" the polite words did a poor job of masking outright hostility and contempt, "if you  _wouldn't_  kiss my boyfriend. So if you could keep your hands off him, that would be just great." The politeness was hard to believe, seeing as the words turned to something of a growl. Tanner's mouth hung open for a second, until he regained his composure.

"How exactly is it that you can date him, if he's a human and you're not?" he asked, with enough calculated nonchalance to appear casual.

"We're not finding it to be a problem, are you?" The implications were obvious: say yes, and Bumblebee would bury him.

"I'm just saying," Tanner held his hands up in a surrender that was completely false, "I know Sam, and I think he can do a lot better."

"Okay!" Sam jumped in before Bee could start a fight with Tanner, or do something equally foolish, "We're going to go now, and you can go back to your decorating thing, and we aren't going to do any murdering or shed any blood, if everyone's okay with that? And-" he leaned over to Tanner, "He's really, really not someone you want to get into a fight with, because there's a big chance you'd lose, and you really don't want to get hurt or, y'know, shot with a cannon-" He pushed Bee towards the door, "Bye!"

"See you later" Tanner leaned against the doorframe, "Look me up when you decide you're through with the alien robot."

"That's it-" Bee lunged at him, but Sam managed to yank him back by the hood before he could take so much as a step. Even so, Tanner jolted back away from him. Bee reluctantly hung back, although the smirk on his face said he took pleasure in the scared look on Tanner's face.

"Good _bye,_ Tanner." Sam dragged Bee out of the room before Tanner could say anything else to start a fight. Much as he wanted to be just a little mad that Bee had scared the hell out of Tanner and been seconds from hitting him-or worse-, Sam couldn't help but think it was way too cute that Bee had nearly started a fight because he was jealous and protective. Bumblebee let Sam lead him out of the room and into the hallway, even though he managed to shoot a hostile glare at Tanner.

"Okay, before you say anything" Sam said, as Bee went to talk, "I'm sorry! I am  _so_ sorry! I did  _not_ mean to kiss him! I was just standing there, and he was all, 'oh, look, mistletoe' and just  _kissed_ me! I didn't even _know_ there would be mistletoe, because it's only  _September!_ It was  _him!_ He started it!" He was aware that he was babbling like a preschooler- particularly seeing as he'd used the notorious 'he started it' excuse- but went on anyways. Bee just watched him, arms crossed over his chest. "He did! He started it and I didn't! I mean, it's my fault because I never told him point-blank that I'm not into him, but he  _did_ kiss me! I swear I wouldn't do that to you! I mean, oh, my God, I never wanted you to walk in on me cheating on you, and I seriously, seriously wasn't doing that, because I would never cheat on you because I would never, ever want to, and it was only because he started it, and-" He stopped when he realized that the look on Bee's face was one of pure amusement. "And exactly what the hell is so funny?"

"I didn't think you were cheating on me." Bee tilted his head in bewilderment. "Why would I think that? You said you want me, so I didn't think you'd do that." Sam just stared at him, wide-eyed, unable to believe the incredible stroke of luck. "Am I.. wrong?" The hint of doubt told Sam that, despite how Bee was acting, Bee was still convinced Sam was doing him a favor by being with him. Bumblebee may act like he was completely self-confident, but Sam knew by now that it would take more work to make that real.

"No! No, no, no! I just... I was expecting..."

"Some huge fight?" Bee grinned. "Maybe on a soap opera or whatever those things your mom watches are. The only fight here is gonna be-"

"You're not going near him again. Really." Sam couldn't hide his relief, though. This was the Bumblebee he knew, reminding him of the first time they'd been really introduced, Sam practically quaking after seeing all the Autobots for the first time, Bee ready to show off his skills with fighting, practically bouncing with excitement. And Sam had really, really missed that Bumblebee. "We all know you can easily beat him to a pulp, so there's really, really no need to prove it."

Bee pouted. "I kinda want to."

"Yeah, it's really not necessary. I don't think he'll be doing anything else anytime soon." Sam laughed, "you sure took care of that."

"Good." Bee beamed, his smug look making Sam laugh. "You're sure he's convinced?"

"No doubt, mostly beacuse, guns-wise, you win. Both weapon firepower and strength. Okay? I think Lennox needs him, so you can't murder him." Sam said. "Well, I hate to break it to you, but your entertainment for the afternoon was cancelled. Ironhide took Sideswipe's place in engineering today."

"Oh." Bee made a face. "I kind of wanted to see if they'd work it out or what. Maybe later." He glanced up at the clock down the hall. "I really have to go. I kind of do have stuff to do."

"And I'm kind of distracting you? You should go, you don't wanna be late or whatever. I'll catch you later." He saw Bee hesitate and added, "Seriously, I'll be fine. There's no way there'll be a Decepticon attack between now and this evening, and everyone's got stuff to do. I don't need a babysitter." Bee's debating look didn't lift. "If it makes you feel better, I can go hang out by Ratchet or someone, okay?"

"Okay. See you." Bee pressed a swift kiss to his lips and hurried out. Not four seconds after he'd left, Sam heard footsteps behind him.

"Your boyfriend sort of scares me." Tanner said, leaning absent the doorway. "Should I be worried about getting stabbed in my sleep?"

"Naah. He's not the murdering type."

"Yet." Tanner rolled his eyes. "Swear to God, I'm going to get myself murdered someday. How was I supposed to know?"

"Well..." Sam wondered just how blind the man was; at the party, Bee had been practically in Sam's lap with his hands up Sam's shirt. How exactly Tanner had missed that was a mystery to Sam.

"I'm gonna go finish my decorating thing, but-" Tanner straightened, looking at Sam with a half smile, "my offer still stands. Just so you know." Sam just nodded, and Tanner wandered off to keep decorating. Sure, it was interesting to know he had options, but Sam couldn't imagine leaving Bee for someone like Tanner.

Sam spent only a little time with the Autobots he dropped in on. The Twins were painting the wall of the Hanger- probably as punishment for having destroyed said wall- and judging from the way they were bickering, there was too much a possibility of danger for Sam to want to stick around long. Ironhide was in engineering, and although he kept up a steady rant of less-than-friendly words directed at the computer that was highly entertaining, Sam eventually got bored and moved on. Optimus was in some video conference with someone important, so Sam didn't want to bug him. Sideswipe was working on some intricate weapon thing and pretending he wasn't looking at Sunstreaker, who was talking with Lennox. Having found no decent entertainment, Sam grabbed his textbooks and headed over to the med centre, the one place that was quiet enough to study. He found Ratchet in the Bot half of the med centre, unpacking the new supplies he'd ordered.

"I'm beginning to have faith in your species, Sam" Ratchet said, inspecting whatever was in one of the large boxes. Sam sprawled out on top of a box, opening his textbook before him.

"Why's that?"

"After sending six incorrect pieces and two broken ones, I finally got exactly what I ordered."

"Congratulations." Sam tried to focus on calculus, seeing as he'd ditched class that day at Bee's sweet insistence.

Half an hour later, his studying was interrupted by the roar of engines outside. A quick glance informed him that a streak of silver was right behind a streak of yellow, and that was it. Ratchet sighed. "I already asked them what in blazes they're doing, and they're just racing to determine who has to clean a machine." There was the sound of squealing tires. "And Sideswipe just won but, according to Bumblebee, only because he cheated." Ratchet shook his head and resumed unpacking. Sam arched an eyebrow.

"And you know this because...?"

"Wifi communicator."

"Ah. Makes perfect sense. You're all telepathic."

"It's technology, not magic." He was quiet for a moment. "For a scout, Bumblebee sure isn't good at realizing when someone cheats and takes a different route in a race. Sideswipe says he finds Bumblebee- oh, that's not very nice- he says Bumblebee is oblivious."

"Yeah, well. Sometimes." Sam turned a page in his book. Hearing a Bot come to the doorway, he turned, and was disappointed when it was only Sideswipe.

"Hey. Bee's gonna have that black grease all over him when he's through with that job." Sideswipe said, clearly smug about having won. "Sorry, Sam."

"Jerk."

"What else could I do? I don't want it all over  _me,_ Sunstreaker hates the stuff." Had he been human, there would have been a look of unbearable smugness of his face, but as it were, there was more than enough in his voice. "Sorry about the door, Ratchet."

"What door?!"  
"There was an, uh, accident with the main door over that way and, oh, I just remembered-" he started edging out the door, "I was doing a... thing... for Ironhide, and I have to go... do that now. Right now. Bye!" The corvette was speeding out of sight before Ratchet could so much as protest.

"It's just one disaster after another around here." Ratchet groaned. "Not another broken door..."

Two hours passed without interruption, during which Sam attempted to study and spent more time trying to figure out if it was possible to convince Bee to spike his hair. Ratchet had finished most of hte boxes, and was trying to figure out where to put the most obscure parts, most of which Sam had never seen before and couldn't hope to determine the use for.

The unannounced arrival of Optimus usually indicated some sort of trouble, be it from Decepticons or in store for rowdy Bots. Optimus cutting a meeting short was never, ever good.

"Optimus-" Ratchet looked equally surprised to see Optimus in the med centre doorway. "What brings you here? I thought the meeting-"

"The meeting had to be postponed." Optimus looked down at Sam, and Sam felt dread start to twist inside him. "I'm afraid I have bad news."

Sam's first horrified thought was of Bumblebee.

"The Decepticons are looking for you. You still have the symbols in your mind, and they're convinced there's a second Allspark shard and that you know where it is."

"But there's not. That was it." Sam slid off the box to stand on the floor, looking up even further at Optimus.

"They believe there must be. However, that isn't the... unfortunate news." He paused, hesitant, and Sam's heart rate doubled. "They found your parents," the gentle tone told Sam that this wasn't the worst of it, "and attacked before we could stop them."

"Are they okay?" Sam managed to ask, staring up at Optimus. "Are they?!"  
"Sam..." The apologetic tone was heartfelt, and Sam had his answer. "Your father is fine, but your mother is in a coma." Sam about forgot how to breathe. He slid down the box to sit on the floor, staring at Optimus in shock. "I'm very sorry, Sam. We've sent Arcee to watch them now." Arcee was their satellite Bot, who really preferred to work alone.

"A coma?" Sam managed to stammer, "Is she going to be okay? She's going to be okay, right? They didn't kill her, right? They can't have killed her!"

The thought of his mother dying was impossible. In the same way she'd sobbed over memories of his baby booties and favorite activity as a toddler, his thoughts went instantly to his fondest memories, of her perfume and the way she used to sing to him, how she hugged him when he came home and waited up for him at night, and even though he used to claim to hate it, he sort of liked being her Sammy and being told how much she loved him, and he couldn't,  _couldn't_ imagine never being able to see her again. "Can I go see her? Now? Please?" Tears blurred his vision, but even so, he could see Optimus shake his head no.

"It's far too dangerous, Sam. Your parents would never want you to risk your safety like that. The Decepticons are still close by."

"But it's my  _mom!"_ Sam looked from Optimus to Ratchet helplessly. "I  _have_ to see her! She's in a  _coma,_ and she's my  _mom!"_

"It's too dangerous." Optimus said softly. "Your father said he didn't want you to risk it. We don't know where the Decepticons went, they're probably waiting for you at the hospital." He said something to Ratchet, about going to check on whether any reports had been found, and left.

"But.." Sam wiped away tears, despite the lost cause that it was, "what if she... what if I never get to...to..." He dissolved into tears and not a minute later, he felt someone pull him into their arms gently. He knew who it was in an instant- the gentle touch, the scent of stolen cologne and the grease from mechanics, the voice that was murmuring comfort in his ear. Bumblebee cuddled Sam against his chest, warm embrace letting Sam know he could cry. Sam ignored how the grease smudges on Bee were coming off on him, too, just pressed closer so Bee would hold him tighter.

"It'll be okay" Bee whispered, "She'll be okay, Sam." Sam just sobbed and clung to him. Comas were never good, he knew that. Everyone knew that. "They said her condition's stable and she hasn't shown any signs of getting worse, so it's gonna be okay."

"She hasn't gotten worse, but she hasn't gotten better, either." Sam managed to mumble. "Dammit, Bee, what if she  _dies?_ She can't-" his voice caught and he buries his face in Bee's neck again. Bumblebee just held him close and promised that everything would turn out fine.

Sam heard footsteps but didn't look up; Bee didn't immediately snap, so it wasn't Tanner, and that was all he could decipher.

"Anything I can do?" Sunstreaker's voice.

"If you could access the hospital's records and find out how Sam's mother is doing, that would be great." Bee said over Sam's head, "Except you'd have to use a proxy so the Decepticons couldn't track it. I would…" he shrugged a shoulder, to say that when he was in his human form, he didn't have access to the internal communications that the Bots had. Another few minutes and then Sunstreaker spoke again.

"Stable condition. So far, no sign of internal damage. Injuries include a few broken bones and lacerations, but none too serious. Her coma is a one on the Glasgow Coma Scale, but she was only admitted very recently." Sunstreaker reported.

"Thanks." Bee bent his head to brush a kiss to Sam's ear. "See?" he murmured, "everything's going to be okay soon. She'll get better."

"Has anyone found the Decepticons?" SUnstreaker asked quietly. Bee shook his head no.

"None?" Sam looked up at Bee. Bumblebee kissed him softly, hugging him.

"You'll be okay." he promised, "I won't let anything happen to you." And even as his mother's life was in danger and Decepticons were searching for him and the entire world seemed to be falling down, Sam could trust Bumblebee's promises, his promise as a guardian and his promise as a lover. "You're safe and everything's going to be okay again, I promise."

The world may have been falling to pieces, but Sam believed Bumblebee when he said he would make it right again.

Sam didn't even need the words- Bumblebee's silence made it all a promise.


	13. Chapter 13

The bright green "2:01" changed to "2:02". Bumblebee pulled his gaze away from the glowing numbers, sighing. He drew his knees up to his chest, tilting his head back against the headboard. Beside him, Sam shifted in his sleep, mumbling incoherently. He was curled up under the blankets, sleep almost feverishly fitful. Bee ran his fingers through Sam's hair, thankful that he was still asleep. Sam had woken up half a dozen times in the past few hours, always asking the same question, to which Bee had no answer. He'd swapped back to his holo form- duller receptors be damned- so he could have access to the technology that could connect him to the hospital computers. Sure, there had to be something morally wrong about hacking a hospital computer, but he figured that the nurses would prefer that to being called eighty times in four hours, all in the dead of night. And every single hack produced the same results- none. No change, no improvements, and, Bee refused to admit it, nearing no hope. Sam would be- well, the closest word Bee could come up with was  _devastated,_ although he sensed that wasn't nearly close enough. Bumblebee had no idea what it would feel like, to have a parent and lose them. He never knew either of his, hadn't even known of their existence for quite some time. His only memory of them was a sound file of his mother's voice. But Sam had known and loved his mother all his life. Surely that was worse than anything Bee had known. Sam muttered something, turning his face against Bee's hip. He'd been asleep for almost an hour and a half, a record for the night. The fact that he couldn't go see his mother was only making it all worse. If she died-

Bumblebee could only equate it to how he'd feel if he lost Sam.

"Bee-" Sam mumbled, winding an arm around Bee. Bee rubbed his hand over Sam's warm shoulder, feeling Sam scoot closer.

"Nothing yet, Sam." He'd checked only seven minutes ago, but did so again anyways. "I'm sorry. Nothing."

"M'kay." Sam scrunched the pillow up under his head, sniffling. His tears broke Bumblebee's heart, many times over. Sometimes, Bee couldn't stand how easily this one human could break his heart. "Hey, Bee?"

"Hmm?" Bee ran his hand in gentle circles over Sam's back, wished he could feel the skin under his fingertips better. It was like every sensation was being felt through a barrier, dulling the sense.

"Don't you have to sleep?"

"No. My Bot form's recharging outside." At this, Sam peered up at him.

"Thought you like your human form better?"

"Yeah." Bee caught his bottom lip between his teeth. "But then I wouldn't be able to get into the computers, and I'd have to sleep..."

"Oh. Okay." Sam fell silent, and Bee would have thought he'd fallen asleep, had his scanners not informed him of Sam's heart rate. The scanners were something he usually kept turned down, as having Sam's medical info beamed straight into his core felt stalkerish and Sam probably wouldn't appreciate the intense invasion of privacy, but right now, he figured that it might be helpful, given Sam's state. "Hey, Bee?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it selfish that I'm glad you're not sleeping cuz I like that you're here whenever I wake up?"

Selfish. The word pounded through Bumblebee's mind, penetrating every single thought like a slow-spreading poison.

"Course not. That's why I'm here."

Even after Sam had drifted back to a fitful sleep, his words lingered. Sam thought he was selfish for wanting Bee to be there to talk him back to sleep every time he woke up.  _He doesn't know what selfish is,_ Bee thought, looking down at his hand on Sam's shoulder. He'd had to turn down his receptors, to save power for the scanning and hospital computer hacking, but he wouldn't turn them any further down, not if he could help it. No, Sam wasn't being selfish, as far as Bee was concerned. Selfish would be prolonging their relationship as long as possible, to salvage more memories to rely on later. Selfish would be keeping secrets and hiding things so as not to bring everything to a shuddering halt. Selfish would be letting time be wasted so the loneliness would be further away. Sam knew none of it, and Bumblebee had committed it all. Bumblebee still hung onto the one thing that kept him from being completely selfish in the relationship, and he wasn't about to let that go, not for anything.

Truly selfish would be asking Sam to give up everything to stay together, and that was the question Bumblebee would never allow himself to ask.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The cafe was reeling with voices and movement, but Bee had ignored all of that, and was focusing the last reservoirs of his energy on Sam and no one else. His Bot form was recharging outside, but being a holo at the same time was slowing down the process.

"Sam." He'd dragged Sam to the cafe to get breakfast because he knew Sam wouldn't do so on his own and it still wasn't working. He dropped into the chair across the small table from Sam. The line for the counter stretched into the hallway, the cluster of tables by the far window mostly empty despite all the customers, as they were there to get food before dashing to be on time for a shift.

"I'm fine." Sam repeated what was fast becoming his mantra. Bee frowned.

"You have to eat something." Sam just slouched down in his chair and shook his head no.

Bee had decided that he was through taking no for an answer. He strode over, plopped himself down in Sam's lap and shoved a piece of bagel in his mouth. Sam frowned at him, the unhappy look only darkening when Bee returned to his own chair. He seemed to decide that he could sulk just as well even if he was eating breakfast, so he gave in and did so. "You're extra guardian-y today." He remarked after a while. Bee shrugged.

"If you're done, there's an impending argument I'd like to witness."

"Yeah? Who between?" Sam cleaned up and followed Bee out of the cafe, winding around the line that snaked out the door.

"Sideswipe and Optimus." Bee led him down the stairs and outside, his holo vanishing when they reached the Camaro parked outside. Sam slid into the passenger seat. "They haven't spoken since their fight."

"Then this won't be good." Sam remarked. Bee was silent. "D'you think he'd... do it again? Optimus, I mean." This was followed by more silence as the Camaro purred down the road.

"I don't know." Bee finally answered. "He's always believed in the Autobots coming before the individual Bot, so... I don't know."

"So if... if he was going to, maybe, would you want to not be toge-"

"No." Bee's voice was flat, with a hard edge. "Speaking only for myself, I would stay together. But if it came down to that..." He paused, "I don't want you to have the same life Sideswipe did. You didn't know him before it happened."

"What did it do to him?" Sam skimmed his fingertips over the black fabric of the seat, trying to imagine a Sideswipe before devastation, and had nothing to go on.

"It killed him. Losing Sunstreaker just about killed him physically, and it killed him completely emotionally. And I never want that to happen to you."

Sam would have said that he wanted to protect Bumblebee from the same, but he'd learned to be more conscious of his words. Saying that would only remind them both that, for Bee, the heartbreak would be inevitable.

A short while later, Sam was sitting next to Bee on top of the Camaro hood, which had, at first, been slightly strange, but Bee had sprawled out next to him and said that it was like Sam was sitting in his lap, and Sam relaxed a bit. The black pickup was parked on one side, ambulance behind and the sporty car that was Sunstreaker on the other side, out of sight but not out of earshot of the two bots working in the engineering centre, searching for Decepticons. The building was like a warehouse, one wall almost completely open, so their voices carried conveniently.

"-but you'd better not mention it to either of them." Ratchet was saying to Ironhide, who made a snorting sound.

"Like I'm gonna risk my winnings."

"They're betting?" Sam whispered to Bee. Bumblebee leaned back on his elbows, tilting his head back to look up at Sam.

"Ironhide bets on everything. Usually with Sideswipe, but he's not here." Bee, Sam felt guilty to notice, looked great. He always did, but he'd recharged, or slept, or whatever, so his holo was more lifelike, if still weirdly perfect. He had a black shirt, the sleeves of which came only halfway down his biceps, the sort of shirt that served only to make everyone else jealous, and his jeans were dark and new-looking, like he'd been handed them to put on for a photoshoot. He was running a hand through his hair, frowning. "Maybe I should spike it." He mumbled, partly to himself. Sam could tell he was nervous, freaked out about some back-burner thing as well as the conversation they were waiting to eavesdrop on, but at least he wasn't visibly anxious.

"I'd like that." Sam remarked, sliding down to lie back on the still-warm hood. "What're they betting on, anyways?"

"Ironhide thinks SIdeswipe won't forgive Optimus, Ratchet thinks he will. Loser has to deal with the shipping order mistakes."

"There are that many?"

"Well, yeah. They're always ordering way obscure things and all that." He shrugged a shoulder. "Plus, he'll have to repackage the stuff to send back, and that's tedious."

"-So, SIdeswipe..." Optimus's voice floated over from the warehouse, and the audience quieted instantly. "I believe an apology is in order."

"Yeah?" Sideswipe was instantly on the defensive, "I'm not about to apologize for what I've done, so you can wait on for that one."

Beside them, Sunstreaker's engine purred with concern, but he said nothing.

"Sideswipe" Optimus's voice was strained, gentle, "I didn't mean you." There was a loud clange of metal as someone, presumably Sideswipe, dropped something heavy. "I may have made the wrong decision."

"Yeah, I'd say so." Sideswipe huffed. "I don't know how you could live with yourself." Sunstreaker winced.

"He's going to say something he'll regret."

"I had valid reasons." Optimus's voice was hard. "You must understand that you were being a danger to our side in the war."

"How?" Sideswipe sounded incredulous. "How could that  _possibly...?"_

"I could see how much you meant to him." Optimus said, "And I knew the choices he could make and that they would endanger our side."

"Choices?" Sideswipe spluttered.

"If it came down to killing a Decepticon or saving your life, there was no chance he would even think about letting you die."

"You would let an AUtobot die if it was that or kill a Decepticon?" Sideswipe asked stonily. "You really would, wouldn't you?"

"The Bots are all soldiers, they would want it that way."

"Okay" Sideswipe's voice was dagnerously patient, "So if I asked the Bot you were willing to let die, you think he'd say that?"

"Sideswipe-"

"I  _know_ this wasn't the last time you sacraficed a teammate." Sideswipe's tone had turned icy. Sam glanced over at Bumblebee, confused, but Bee wasn't looking at him.

"He was saved." Optimus said.

"Because your  _human_ comrade decided his life was worthy enough to save. How could you think he'd want it that way, that he wouldn't mind being tortured by the military while you did nothing to help him?"

Clearly, this wasn't a conversation meant to be overheard. Sam made the realization instantly, dread rising.

"He's a soldier. He knows-"

"He knows. We all know. But that doesn't mean you can't try and save them." Sideswipe pushed around some metal thing the audience couldn't see. "You truly think that Bumblebee would be fine with it, if he knew you did nothing to try and save him? That you put the cube before a comrade? You were willing to let him  _die._ You  _saw_ what a mistake it was to kill Sunstreaker, and you did it  _again."_ SOmething was slammed down. "So you can see why I can't forgive you until you realize what was really wrong and what wasn't." Sam felt Bee's hand slip into his, squeezing tightly.

"He was going to let me die?" Bee's voice was raw with his shock. "I thought- I thought-" Widened amber eyes found Sam's, "I thought he sent you, not that you did it on your own and that he didn't care..."

"I'm sorry." Sam reached an arm across Bee in a half hug, "I didn't know either."

"He really does put the greater good before his own friends." Bee's grip on Sam's hand tightened even more. Ironhide's holo materialized beside the Camaro.

"We all thought he was wrong," He said, leaning on the hood, apologetic expression reaching his eyes. "And Jazz... he was ready to rip Optimus apart most of all. No one else wanted to leave you. Jazz said he was going to tell you, but then..." Ironhide fell silent for a moment. "He was the one that wanted to find Sunstreaker after he'd been deactivated and try to help, but Optimus wouldn't let him."

Footsteps from the warehouse made the audience scramble to disband. Ironhide's holo vanished and the pickup slunk away, as Sunstreaker crept off to find Sideswipe. Sam slid across the hood and got into the shotgun seat of the Camaro, and Bee's hologram appeared in teh drivers' seat beside him as the Camaro purred away.

"I can't believe he could do it again." Bee said, staring down at the steering wheel, "After seeing Sideswipe die like that after he'd killed Sunstreaker, I don't know how he could do it again..."

"I guess... he's just one of those.. uh, beings that see the greater effect and not the smaller stuff." Sam knew he was fairly useless at comforting, but he was going to give it his best damn shot. He hated the hurt look on Bumblebee's face, it was pure misery. "Maybe he thought it wasn't worth the ri-" He shut his mouth before he could make matters worse, but, to his surprise, Bee didn't appear instantly offended.

"So he didn't send you to help me." Bumblebee said softly. "You came on your own?"

"I..." Sam thought back to the day, to his demands of that asshole of an agent: his car, his parents, Mikaela's juvie record gone. Funny, how he'd unconsciously known how important his car was to him, before he'd even realized all this. "Yeah."

"There was less of a risk for Optimus." Bee traced his fingertip across the steering wheel absent-mindedly, as the Camaro continued to weave through the streets slowly, hitting traffic at every turn, "I mean, who'd put up a fight against an Autobot? Even the entire military would think twice about it." Sam just nodded. "You had a lot more at risk. The military could have..." The idea presented themselves in Sam's mind readily- the military could have ordered him gone. They could have erased his presence off the planet, if they'd so pleased. "You really are crazy."

"Yeah." Sam wasn't about to argue something so true, "but... what with the stakes and all. I wasn't gonna let anyone torture you."

"No one but you, anyways." Bee grinned at him, then vanished to reappear in Sam's lap. Sam wrapped his arms around Bee, who leaned back against him, head on Sam's shoulder. THe irony was heartbreaking, of course. Sam remembered vividly- and surely Bee did too- when Sam had convinced Mikaela into his lap with his lame "seatbelt safety" excuse.

Sam's cell phone started ringing, and he dug it out of his pocket to answer.

"Hey, Dad." Sam crossed his fingers for better news. "How's mom?"

"No changes." His dad's voice was even more weary than the previous calls. "And before you ask-" he said, just as Sam opened his mouth, "No, you can't come here. I'm sorry, Sam. If, God forbid, we lose your mother, I'm not going to lose you too. And you know she wouldn't want you risking your life like that"

"I wish I was there anyways." Sam felt Bee snuggle closer, winding his arms around Sam, as if he somehow knew that Sam felt safer that way. After he'd hung up, Sam tossed his phone onto the other seat. He didn't say anything, and Bee didn't either, his breath ghosting across Sam's neck.  _Even if no one can save Mom,_ Sam thought,  _at least I was able to save someone._

"What're you thinking?" Bee asked softly. Sam was silent, unable to verbalize it; he was thinking that he hadn't even thought of the risks at the time, that he couldn't believe he'd nearly lost Bumblebee and not even known it, that losing him would be unbearable, that if anything were to happen to Bee, he would understand how Sideswipe had felt when he'd lost Sunstreaker, that they'd thought Optimus would never do that again, but, it turned out, he  _had._

Traffic had come to a gridlock, halted as all the working people left for home at the same time. There had been a meeting that day, and all city was flooded with cars that weren't normally there.

"We thought he'd never sacrifice someone again." Sam finally said. "But he already did, even if it didn't happen like that."

"I know" Bee was trying to hide his fear, but Sam could always tell. "I don't know what to do." He trailed his hand across Sam's chest, sensors on high but he still couldn't feel like he could when he was human.

"You don't really think we should-"

"I don't know." Bee closed his eyes, feeling Sam's heartbeat against his fingertips. "I just want to protect you."

Sam couldn't say anything, and as well as Bee worked silence to convey his own feelings, he couldn't figure out Sam's .

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam had thought car washes were hard with Bumblebee, who liked to make it difficult for him by moving back and forth, but it turned out that was nothing compared to Skids. He'd decided to start on paying his bets, to get his mind off the miserable lack of news. He'd called his father so often he may as well not bothered hanging up every time and Bee had hacked the hospial computer several hundred times in the past few days. There was still no news, so Sam had figured he'd best keep his mind of it by starting with the first item at his list of lost bets.

"Get the hell back here!" Sam nearly sprayed himself wit hthe hose out of shock when Skids went peeling across the runway again. Maniacal laughter made him give chase with a bucket of water, yelling. "Stop! Stop! Stop!"

"Slow-ass!"

"Stop running away!" Sam pounded after him, and, when he got almost close enough to the speeding green car, heaved the soapy water after it. "No fair!" Skids slowed just enough for Sam to get a fingertip on the green paint, before roaring away again. Sam huffed angrily and scowled after the car that was driving in zigzags across the expanse of pavement.

"Looks like you're losing." Bee's voice made Sam turn, and he grinned, especially seeing as he was in his human form, which was by far Sam's favorite, mostly because it was Bee's.

"He keeps moving." Sam watched the car zip around the other side of the hanger. Bee leaned against the hanger wall, watching Sam look around for Skids. "Where's he going?! You little jerk! Get back here!" He'd almost forgotten about Bee, but sound found out that Bee was feeling neglected, because he threw a bucket of water at Sam from behind. "Hey!" He spun around to glare at Bee, who just snickered. "You're as mean as he is!"

"But that's no fair" Bumblebee pouted, dramatics as natural to him as ever, "you're so cute when you're wet."

"Yeah?" Sam grinned, crossing the distance between them and held Bee against the wall, kissing him hard. While Bee was distracted, he reached out to snag the hose from its hanger on the wall and turn the knob with his fingertips. He nearly lost focus himself, from the way Bee was licking his lip and probing into Sam's mouth with his tongue. Sam loved Bee's tight hold on him, the way he wound his arms around Sam like he never wanted to let go. Despite that, Sam managed to wiggle back and, putting his thumb over the mouth of the hose mouth, turned the water on Bee. Bee howled and spluttered, ducking away.

"Sam!" He held up his hands in front of him, as if to block the water. "No freakin' fair!"

"But you're  _cute_ when you're wet" Sam protested, grinning. Bee stuck his tongue out at Sam.

"Drop the hose or I'll drown you, pretty boy."

"I've got the water." Sam flicked more water at him, and Bee dived away, spitting out water. When he was adequately dripping with water, Sam tossed aside the hose and pulled Bee to him before Bee could so much as protest. Not like he wanted to, anyways. He pressed against Sam, lips finding Sam's in seconds. Ice-cold fingers dragged down Sam's back, wet shirt sticking to Sam as Bee pressed kisses to his neck and shoulder. "You know we're in the middle of the hanger, right?" Sam managed to gasp out. Bee merely pulled him down to sit on the wet cement, straddling Sam's legs. Sam watched Bee pull his wet shirt away from himself, making a face at how wet he was. "Well, if you don't mind, I don't." This got a laugh from bee.

"Only reason I mind is because decency requires you to keep your pants on out here in public." Bee settled himself in a straddle over Sam's lap, shifting down against Sam's groin to draw a moan from Sam. "Except this whole water thing isn't for me. You messed up my hair."

"Oh, I'm sorry" Sam rolled his eyes, "damn narcissist."

"It looked good." Bee pouted. "I got it spiked."

"Really?" This spiked Sam's interest. "Well, you'll have to show me later."

"Mmm. Why do you think I came out here?" Bee nipped at Sam's ear. "How come you'll give  _him_ a carwash and not me?"

"Because" Sam yanked Bee to him and kissed him soundly, reveling in the little moaning noise he got from Bee. "I knew it would turn into this."

"Is that so bad?" He fisted his hands in the back of Sam's shirt, water dripping down his face.

"Not at all. It's just not something I want to get into." Sam said. Bee arched an eyebrow. "Why do you think? This isn't exactly a hard question." Sam grinned at how much thought Bee was putting into it. Bee always overthought everything.

"Umm..." Bee bit his bottom lip, squirming in Sam's lap, "cuz you'd rather be top?" Sam about died of laughter, falling back to the pavement, laughing until he couldn't breathe. Bee looked down at him in confusion.

"I meant-" Sam managed to choke out, "I meant I don't want to get into this out here where anyone could walk by, not that I don't ever want to get into this." Bee didn't seem to be getting why his own ditz moment was so hilarious. "Besides-" Sam added, holding back more laughter, "I was already planning on that anyways."

"That so?" Bee stood, pulling Sam up by his wrists and kissing him. "Let's go. You're gonna show me."

Sam knew it was partly just to get his mind off the impending tragedies- they were collecting far too quickly for anyone's liking- but he didn't mind.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Sunstreaker had been to just about every single place he could think of. At the bottom of the list of possibilities was the building of apartment-like rooms. Sam had a room on the seventh floor there, and there was a room that had been reserved for the Bots, more of a nice gesture than anything of functionality. Ironhide used it to hide from the Twins when they were getting on his nerves, Optimus held the less important video meetings there, Sideswipe had set up a computer for his gaming obsession. Sunstreaker figured that, if he'd been a human and not a holo, he would have been near exhausted after trekking across the city, but as it were, he'd just been appearing and disappearing, car form gliding around on the streets below as he went. Just to give himself time to plan a strategy, he took the elevator instead of simply appearing outside the door. He had no real idea what he was going to say, and staring at the numbers above the door wasn't exactly helping.

First floor. He remembered the first time he'd met Sideswipe. Arrogant bastard had been hanging out with Ironhide and Jazz, all in their holo forms, competing to see who could get more phone numbers. Maybe that was why he loved the holo program so much- it was how he'd first met Sideswipe.

Second floor. Sunstreaker had been sent by Optimus to meet the three comrades, and had been instantly drawn to the Bot with the teasing voice and sweet way of badgering until he got what answers he wanted. Sideswipe had said two things to him- "Optimus told us all about you." And then, at Sunstreaker's remark of, "all good things, I hope?" he'd said, "No, but I like what I heard anyways."

Third floor. He remembered the first time he'd heard those three words, and he'd saved the sound file, made a backup, another, another. Sideswipe had vowed he wouldn't say it first, because he didn't want to seem pathetic. He'd said it first anyways. Sunstreaker had loved him even more for it. Their relationship had always had a bit of a bite to it, and he was addicted to it. It came from their brawling tempers, when stubbornness met its match, since the first time each had realized that the other was a force to be reckoned with. They had two sets of three words, it suited them.  _I hate you_ would slip in whispers and snarls, during hot kisses and hotter touches, and it balanced them, kept them both sane.

Fourth floor. If not for Jazz, Sunstreaker supposed he may have never found the nerve to make a move. Jazz had prodded him into confessing everything he was feeling- starting with the words Sideswipe loved to hear him say again and again, "do you have to be so- you?" Not exactly smooth, but it had been what he was feeling. "I hate you." He'd finished, and Sideswipe had grinned. He knew what he was getting into with Sunstreaker. They would have killed each other if they weren't so in love.

Fifth floor. Five hundred years was a long time. Human lifetimes. Sunstreaker knew the guilt would never leave him. He'd sworn never to leave his lover and he'd been forced to break that promise. He'd handed Sideswipe a reason to really, really hate him, and Sideswipe had refused it. He preferred to hate Sunstreaker for the way he made him scream, the way Sunstreaker invaded his thoughts, hated Sunstreaker for his own obsession. A real, legitimate reason didn't work for him.

Sixth floor. If it had gone on another hundred years, and then he'd returned, would Sideswipe still have been there? Would he have found someone else- but Sideswipe had sworn that, no, he never would. The more likely danger was that Sideswipe wouldn't have been there, or anywhere, and Sunstreaker was heartbroken at the thought that suicide could have loomed in the future. He'd missed the Bot he'd loved to hate, hated to love, hated fiercely sometimes, and loved all the time.

Seventh floor. Sam's room was there, Sunstreaker knew Bumblebee was there too, holo-form, as the Camaro was outside. Nights had been tough, it didn't take an investigator to figure that out. Bee didn't like his holo form, but would switch to that so he could hack the hospital computer and resist sleep. Sunstreaker could only wonder after the lullaby of words Bumblebee had to whisper Sam back to sleep, could only worry about the tragedy that was in their future. It was anyone's guess as to who the survivor would be, but no matter who outlived the other- either Sam, after Bee's forced deactivation, or Bee, after Sam's human lifespan gave out on them- the devastating misery would break hearts. They had no three-word phrases to save them. None at all.

Eighth floor. Sunstreaker still had no idea what he was going to say.

Ninth floor.

The door was locked, and Sunstreaker appeared on the other side of it.

"Did you have to be this hard to find?" Sunstreaker leaned against the doorway, looking into the living room.

"I'm kind of impressed you found me." Sideswipe was lying on the wide couch, looking out at the night sky through the wide window. The stars were just barely visible. "Hate that you always can."

"I always know where to find you. I know you." Sunstreaker crossed the room to settle himself next to Sideswipe, head on Sideswipe's chest, slipping an arm around him.

"You okay?" He felt Sideswipe hold onto him, tighter.

"How do you always know?"

"This time, I was eavesdropping. We were all outside."

"Oh." Sideswipe fell silent. "All?"

"Pretty much." He felt Sideswipe's sharp intake of breath, "Yeah. Them too."

"I swear I'll kill Optimus myself if he makes this happen to them, too." Sideswipe's growl was soft, dangerous. Sunstreaker knew he meant it. "There has to be a way to avoid it."

"There's not." Sunstreaker knew it was pathetic, but he was glad they weren't discussing themselves. That always hurt. "Either- either Sam will die and leave Bumblebee, or Bee will be deactivated, and Sam will be left. There's no good ending." Sideswipe was silent. "No one tells me anything."

"I was going to."

"I meant besides you."

"No one really knows."

"How do you know?"

"Eavesdropping." Sideswipe sighed. "It can't happen to them too. I can't imagine someone else going through that..." He'd always refused to detail on what it had been like, but Sunstreaker could glean enough information to break his heart thoroughly and deeply.

"I wish it hadn't happened." There was nothing else he could say, it was everything he thought. If those years hadn't happened, Sideswipe wouldn't be so injured, their faith in Optimus would still be unwavering, hearts would be unbroken and others could be fearless.

Sometimes he wanted to ask just how bad it had been, try and get some sort of spectrum on it, but Sideswipe didn't like to talk about it. Sunstreaker had asked Ironhide. He almost hadn't wanted to know how much his own absence had tortured Sideswipe, but at the same time, part of him had wanted to know, as if that could somehow help him to make it better. What he'd found out had been heartbreaking- while he was locked in deactivation, his lover had been deteriorating inside, had lost part of himself to the loss, hadn't been the same since. Sideswipe had avoided talking about Sunstreaker, even though it was obvious how much he thought about his lost lover. He'd tended not to opt for his human holo as often, and never flirted like he had with Sunstreaker, had even lost some of his good humor to the heart-wrenching tragedy.

"It's over." Sideswipe's voice was gentle, "It's over now, and... if it hadn't happened, I might not know how much I love you." It had been just what Sunstreaker had thought. He'd known Sideswipe had loved him, but seeing how he'd waited for five hundred years, it was more than what Sunstreaker had known. And as for himself, he'd waited to see Sideswipe again, and it was just like he'd said- it was like seeing the sun after so long a darkness.

He knew how lucky they were, that the sun had been there to break the darkness, because for other lovers, for whom the danger was death and not deactivation, the chances were nonexistent.

Luck like that didn't happen twice.

Sunstreaker loved that the luck had fallen to them, hated that it couldn't happen to anyone else.

Those two sets of three words were theirs; he could only hope that didn't force "I miss you" to belong to the pair on the seventh floor. Those three words would save no one at all.


	14. Chapter 14

Things had been easier when they were lying. Sunstreaker avoided meeting Optimus's optics, focusing instead on the broken satellite in front of him. Optimus kept glancing back at him and pretending he wasn't. It had been the same all day, with the awkward silences and avoidance of any contact.

"Something you'd like to say, Optimus?" Sunstreaker said, after ten more minutes of it. Optimus studied the piece of machinery in his hand with too much concentration.

"I'm not in the mood to start another fight, so, no."

"Who do you think I am?" He poked at a wire, shaking his head, muttering darkly about the satellite. Optimus was quiet.

"I believe I still associate you two as twins, and assume you have the same personalities."

"Ah." The silence slunk back in until Sunstreaker added, "if we hadn't lied from the start, would you still have-"

"Do you truly want that answer?" Optimus's optics flickered to him. "When you told me you were twins, I believed you. It explained why you were always together and why you were so fiercely protective of him, and put up with him the way you did. I assumed that, when you arrived after him, that you'd been separated and that he'd sent for you without telling me, because he'd never believed you'd be able to come, or that you were even alive. It never crossed my mind that you had never met each other before you came to us."

Sunstreaker nodded slowly, remembering the descriptions he'd gotten of the other Bots before being sent to meet them, like being sent before a firing squad. Optimus had said that Jazz was "very stubborn and fiercely opinionated" and that Ironhide was "entertaining and liable to shoot you" and that Sideswipe was "obstinate and bad-tempered." It hadn't been encouraging, even less so when they'd been exactly the way Optimus had described them. Sunstreaker had expected to get along with Ratchet and Bumblebee who were "sensible and reliable" and "energetic and friendly", respectively. He hadn't expected to fall for the one that was the most difficult to get along with. He certainly hadn't expected it was possible, that most seemingly intolerable out of them all would turn out to be everything he was looking for. Sideswipe was his opposite and the same. They were positive and negative, but the same type of energy. The same, showing it in different ways, always changing who was positive and who was negative, until they were one and the same, even as they were completely opposite. They were light and dark of the same day.

"So you would have separated us no matter what."

"Sunstreaker-" Optimus began, but Sunstreaker held up a hand.

"I'm not here to fight. I just want your word that, should the case ever arise again, that you won't do it again."

Optimus fixed him with a steady gaze, words not forthcoming enough to comfort Sunstreaker.

"I can promise only that I will put serious consideration into avoiding deactivation. But no more."

So he could expect little help from Optimus. Sunstreaker looked up at the clock on the wall; it was nearing ten thirty PM. No doubt Sideswipe had gotten impatient and gone to fix the situation his own way. It was a dangerous prospect; he had yet to include gentleness in his personality.

Sunstreaker hurried to find Sideswipe, before the other Bot could hurt more than help.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bumblebee just wanted to be back at the room he was starting to call home. He wanted to be cuddled up to Sam under the blankets and just sleep- and, oh, Primus, Bee's heart cried for Sam. It was eleven-thirty, later than Bee had wanted to leave the engineering complex, and Sam had probably already gone to bed. Bee hated to think that Sam would wake up and find himself still alone. His human still cried over his mother in his sleep, Bee didn't want him to be alone with that misery. He wished he was in his holo form so he could just rematerialize in Sam's room, but he wasn't, because it had been easier to repair the tiny wires and gears when in his human form, with the ability to feel with so much more precision. The downside was that transforming back to his Bot form took so much energy, far more than he had at the moment. It would doubtlessly leave him unconscious if he tried it with so dangerously low a power level.

"You're not with Sam." Sideswipe's voice; Bee turned to find Sideswipe's holo watching him.

"He's probably asleep already. I had stuff to finish up." Bee shrugged a shoulder. "Took longer than I thought it would." Seeing the dubious look, he realized that Sideswipe probably suspected he'd been off murdering Tanner. "I was at the engineering complex." Not hurting the soldier that had tried to steal his boyfriend, much as he wanted to.

"Oh, cool." Sideswipe didn't care. Bee wondered what he wanted. "Can I ask you something?" Bee was pretty sure it would be something he didn't want to answer, but Sideswipe didn't give him the chance to say anything about it, "How serious are you and Sam?"

There was a question Bee didn't want to think about.

"I dunno. Not very." He slipped his hands into his jeans pockets, looking down at the sidewalk. "Certainly nothing serious. Just..." He wasn't about to say 'just kissing and sex' to Sideswipe. Awkward wouldn't be the half of it. He just hoped Sideswipe wasn't going to make this miserable by talking about the real truths of the matter. The truth shouldn't have hurt as much as it did; Bee hated thinking about it, hated it more than anything else.

"You've got a lot more human in you than you've led him to believe." Bee shifted uncomfortably, avoiding Sideswipe's eyes. He hated how true that was. He was a Bot in spark and in primary form, and in the way he could recall any given moment of his life after he'd activated the ability to record it all. Even though he had a spark and not a heart, though, Bee knew, with painful certainty, that he'd kept every bit of a human's emotions, had a full range just like the other Bots, and that he had the added pain of being a human sometimes, and only sometimes. Bots and humans were similar, but Bots were better equipped to deal with everything, with their strength and memories and lifespans. Bee was twice doomed.

"I'm fine with a fling." It even sounded like a lie to himself, like his own words were saying what he didn't want to admit: meaninglessness would kill him.

"No, you're not. If I know you-" Sideswipe did, Bee knew that, knew that every word he said was painfully honest and nothing but true, much as Bee wished it wasn't, "you're going to think about him for the next however many thousand years, and while the world changes, you're going to live right here in this day, even though it's going to die in an hour, or else you'll want to live forever in days that have already gone." That was horribly true; Bee almost hated how desperately he clung to already-lived days, more so than he cared about the future.

"Please," Bee whimpered, "please, please stop. I can't-"

"You can't even accept how much this means to you. You think you can deal with it ending tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Think you can live with seeing him kiss someone else? For pity's sake, Bumblebee, could you live with yourself if he moved on and forgot about you? That's what happens when you don't tell the whole truth about what you want. He's going to think you really can take a fling and get on with your life." By now, Bee was trying- and failing- to hide the sobs that wracked his body, even as Sideswipe pressed on, "this means more than anything to you. You'd rather die than lose it."

"No, no," Bee was nearly pleading, unclear as to whether he was begging mercy from Sideswipe or from himself, "It's not that important to me, it's not, I don't-" He was backing away from Sideswipe and his back hit the wall of the building, as he stared wide-eyed at Sideswipe.

"Don't what? Don't love him?" Sideswipe shook his head, "Sure you don't love him. I've seen you with him. You were furious when his girlfriend hurt him, and now that you've got him, you're fucking terrified of scaring him away!"

"I won't-" Bee sobbed, turning towards the wall, as if he could shield himself from Sideswipe's voice.

"Won't love him? Here's the funny thing about love, Bumblebee. Once you find it, no matter what kind, no matter if you want to or not, you give away part of yourself. You can't get that back. And when it's something like a soulmate you give it to? It's more than a piece, it's just about all of your soul. You can't get it back if he leaves you, if he moves on, or when he dies before you." At this fresh approach, Bee sobbed harder, increasing his efforts to stifle it, failing twice as badly. It could have been easier, if it was from someone who hadn't been there, someone who couldn't say exactly how that felt, but Sideswipe knew, he'd suffered through it, and the pain was nothing but true, "You lose  _yourself._ Once you lose him, you're all you've got left, and him leaving takes that away, too. You'll have nothing left. And you may be more human than either of you thinks, Bee, but you're still an Autobot, and you've still got a hell of a lifespan ahead of you. Just because you're too much of a coward-"

"No, it's not that" Bee choked out, "I can't- can't ask him to give up that much for me! I can't ruin his life because I want him for myself!"

"So which of the solutions left have you chosen? You can forget him right this instant-" the tortured sound from Bee didn't so much as give Sideswipe pause, "and break his heart, right along with yours. You can pretend it's a fling, let him move on, and he'll live happily while you die inside for the next thousand or so years, and that's a hell of a long, slow, painful death. You can love him and tell him nothing, and when he dies, it'll be that much worse than if you'd let go."

Bee crumpled to the ground, sobs sounding like he'd dragged them from somewhere deep inside him, a depth his hologram form couldn't possibly have. "You've got a choice to make, Bumblebee. Only one will save you from the pain, so  _make that choice!_ "

"No." Bee's furious snarl was fading from the force of his tears, " _I can't do that to Sam_!" Bee's voice was wrought with his slow destruction, "I won't let him give up everything for me! I'm supposed to  _protect_  him!"

"Yeah, well, maybe you're looking at this all wrong." Sideswipe glowered down at the shuddering form at his feet.

"What?" Bee snarled up at him, voice breaking, "That I should protect him from myself? I tried! I  _tried_ to, I did my fucking best to hide it for  _four years!_ I've been in love with that human since the first fucking time he got in the drivers' seat and said 'cars pick their drivers' because it felt like he  _understood_ that, yes, I  _did_ want him that badly. And even after that, I didn't let him know it. I was in love with him since I first saw him, and didn't let him have any idea for so long!  _So long!_ And  _he's_ the one that said we should stay together! I _want_ to protect him! And there are some things that I just can't-can't ask of him."

"Did you ever think that he'd want you to ask?"

"I did" Bee managed to whisper, "Don't you think I wish he would? Don't you fucking think I want that more than anything? I do wish that, but I can tell when it's hopeless dreaming and it hurts more than it helps." Sideswipe let the silence seep in again for a few minutes, tempered only by Bee's soul-shattering sobs. From the sound alone, Sideswipe knew he was getting through, knew Bee was refusing to come to grips with the brevity of the relationship, the undestroyable emotions, and the pain that hung in the balance.

"Ever think that he might have wanted to know what was really going on before he got involved?" At this, Bumblebee's sobs turned ragged, like his soul had finally torn apart. Sideswipe just looked down at Bee, falling apart at his feet, and said nothing.

"Please" Bee finally gasped out, not lifting his head from his arms, "leave me alone. I can't- can't-"

"Oh, I forgot" Sideswipe fixed him with a steady look, "You've got too many receptors in this body, don't you? Why don't you go back to your hologram, it's a hell of a lot more painless. But you'd be hurting anyways." Bumblebee couldn't form a reply. "Let me know when you tell Sam the truth." Sideswipe finally said. "Or when he leaves you. Whichever comes first."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Three minutes past midnight. Sam had hoped Bee would be back by now. His dependence on Bee was, admittedly, pathetic, but at least that wasn't to blame for his anxiety. Bee had never failed to show up like this; Sam felt panic starting to really sink in, as he stood before the window, hands pressed against the glass as he looked down at the empty street. The Camaro was nowhere in sight. No one was on the sidewalk. Sam heard an engine, but didn't even look. He knew the sound of the Camaro, and that wasn't it.

"Thought you'd still be awake." Sam jumped at Sideswipe's voice, and found Sideswipe's holo standing next to him.

"Do you have any idea how freakin' scary it is when you appear out of nowhere?!" He looked up at Sideswipe, studying the handsome face. "Have you seen Bee?"

"I did." Sideswipe didn't add anything, and Sam frowned.

"What happened? Did he do something? Did you?" Sideswipe turned away at this, a look of something close to a bitter, sardonic amusement on his face.

"He'd love to know how worried you are about him." He said quietly, shaking his head. "But I don't think he' d believe me if I told him."

"Of course I am! He's scaring hte hell out of me right now!" Sam looked down at the street again, leaning his forehead against the cool glass. "Maybe I'm just paranoid beacuse of all the Decepticon stuff lately. I don't know. I just want to know for sure that he's okay. I mean, yeah, he can take care of himself, but..." Sam sighed, "would he really not believe it? He really thinks I don't care about him?" Sam blew out a breath, breath fogging up the glass. "But I do. More than anything. I just… I can't believe he doesn't think I care about him…"

Sideswipe just looked at him. Sam words were soaked in his concern for Bee, it was obvious that he was worried beyond all reason about Bee.  _He means this much, and you're still not serious?_ Sideswipe thought, darkly perplexed,  _he just wants to love you, why can't you let him?_

"Did you discourage him as much as it looks?" Sideswipe's voice turned cold. Sam blinked at him.

"Uh.."

"If I told you that you've made him cry, would you believe me?"

"Uh..." Sam just stared, although whether his confusion was from disbelief or not, Sideswipe couldn't say.

"You've really got no idea, do you?"

"What? Honestly, Sideswipe, I have  _no fucking idea_ what you're talking about."

"He couldn't tell you, sure, but you couldn't ask?"

"Huh?"

"Tell me" Sideswipe finally said, "have you never wondered where this you-and-him thing was going? How far it could go?"

"I've thought about it." Sam said slowly, "And I don't know. I hate thinking about how it can't work. That's why... I guess I'm glad he's just in it for the... the not-serious stuff. I mean, sure, I'd like a serious relationship. But I guess that can't happen, that he won't let it, all that." He shrugged a shoulder. "I guess I don't think about it much because it seems pointless." Sideswipe nodded, looking Sam over.

Whether Sam meant that thinking about their future was pointless or that their future itself was pointless, Sideswipe didn't know.

"I'm sure Bumblebee will be coming back soon. Don't worry about him." Sideswipe's holo vanished, and the corvette roared off into the night. The engine screaming wasn't nearly as loud as his words were, as they echoed in Sam's mind.

xxxxxxxxxx

Bumblebee had never been so happy about the fact that the two Autobots were always together, that when one left, the other wandered through shortly after. He felt the warm hand at his back, and even though he half wished it would be Sam, knew it wouldn't, and couldn't deny the twinge of relief.

"Hey, Bee." Sunstreaker was sitting beside him. Bee just sniffled. "He didn't mean to be that harsh. He's just been so worried about you. We all have been." He rubbed his hand in gentle circles over Bee's back, voice soft. "I know you didn't mean to get yourself into all of this. You don't deserve it." Bee sniffed again, putting his head on Sunstreaker's shoulder and whimpering despite himself.

"Why's he such a jerk about it? I didn't mean to get myself fucked over like this."

"He just wants you to do the right thing for you. He knows what it's like. He was alone for half a century, and I know that hurt, and he just doesn't want it to happen to you. I don't either, but he wants to be sure." He kept his voice soft, feeling Bee's breathing starting to smooth out. "We just don't want to see you heartbroken at the end of this. I know he wouldn't want to hurt you, he said so himself, but he thought it was better to make sure you knew what you were doing before you hurt yourself even more. We all know you didn't mean to. You had no choice."

"It's not fair." Bee's breathing hitched again, sob catching in his throat, "I can't ask Sam that. He doesn't- doesn't love me like I love him. I don't want to ruin it until I have to..."

"He really does care about you" Sunstreaker murmured, "Truly."

Bumblebee did notice when he didn't say  _love,_ as Sunstreaker had hoped he wouldn't. Sunstreaker said nothing more, just listening to Bee's shaky breathing, and the hiss of tires on the wet pavement from the street beyond. He couldn't quite find the right words, not in any of Earth's languages, not in any. There was no way to tell Bee that Sam loved him every bit as much as Bee loved him, because for him to say it and mean it, it would have to have been true. It was the only thing that could have helped Bee, and Sunstreaker couldn't say it and mean it. He hated seeing Bee cry. Not much could bring Bumblebee to that, Sunstreaker knew it, and Sam and their doomed relationship was probably the only topic. The rain picked up again, turning to sheets of chill. Sunstreaker toned down his receptors so it wouldn't make him freeze, but he felt Bumblebee shivering against him.

"I tried not to love him." Bee finally mumbled. "I tried so hard, but it didn't work." The idea was one that should never have been born. Sunstreaker hated to think that it was possible, that Bee could wish he didn't love Sam so deeply and so completely. It was something to be living for, not locking away and hating. "Nothing's working for us. Nothing. It was bad enough before, and now... I couldn't live with letting the same thing happen that happened to you and Sideswipe. I don't want that to happen." He turned big, pleading amber eyes to Sunstreaker, who had no words for him. Nothing could fix what was breaking. "Maybe we should have never gotten into this." The last words were too much for Bee, as he dissolved into tears again.

"You don't want that" Sunstreaker murmured, hugging him. "You can at least be happy you've had this time together, if nothing else."

"If I didn't have it, I'd have nothing to miss."

Sunstreaker wished Bee didn't have so many valid, miserable points he could make. It wasn't helping heal hearts any.

Bee tried to force away the tears, but still couldn't. He hated crying. It reminded him of what it was like to be human, but that wasn't entirely true. It helped him fabricate memories. He had no idea what it felt like.

"I'm sorry it's this way, Bee." Sunstreaker finally said. "Just... love him while you have him. That's all you can do." Bee nodded, cuddling against his side in a way that told Sunstreaker that Bee was imagining it was Sam holding him.

"Even that hurts."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam figured he would have been hysterical by now, had Sunstreaker not kindly enlightened him to what was going on. It was practically two AM, Bee hadn't come back yet, and Sam, had he not known, would have been convinced of a Decepticon ambush. It wasn't until two fourteen and seven seconds that that the door opened. Sam heard light footsteps, not headed in the direction of his bed He jumped up and ran to find Bee, nearly falling over a chair in the dark, and, just as he regained his balance, just barely avoided a collision with the doorframe. Bee was in the small living room, staring out the window at the dark, starless sky.

"Hey" Sam whispered, nearing him slowly. Bee barely looked at him. He was dripping wet, so exhausted it looked like he wasn't going to be able to hold up for many heartbeats longer. "I was worried about you." He put his arms around Bee from behind. Rainwater soaked into his shirt as he did so, but he didn't move.

"Sorry... I sort of... lost track of time." he mumbled. Sam didn't believe his story, and Bee didn't really expect him to.

"You okay?" Sam hugged him tighter, "because it kind of doesn't feel like it." Bee turned to face him, meeting Sam's eyes for an only an instant. He shook his head slightly, although whether it was to indicate that he wasn't okay or wasn't going to answer wasn't clear to Sam. Bee turned his face into Sam's neck, forcing back tears.

"Fine." Sam doubted Bee could have found a more obvious lie in the world.

"C'mon, we can talk later, if you want," Sam nudged Bee towards the bed, gently pulling off Bee's wet jacket, "right now, you just need to get some sleep."

Sam had to admit, he was grateful to be able to take care of Bee for once. Bumblebee had been caring for him for what felt like an impossibly long time, watching out for him and whispering him to sleep and chasing away nightmares, and finally, however miserable everything was otherwise, at last Sam could do something for him. He got Bee into dry clothes and under the blankets, with a fair amount of aimless comforting words and tear-drying. Sam hated how he had no idea at all what Bee was so desperately upset about. He'd only just gotten into bed himself and pulled up the covers when he felt icy hands on him, as Bee snuggled closer. His tears were hot on Sam's skin, even as his hands were cold.

"Don't wanna talk about it?" Sam murmured in his ear, but Bee just shook his head no, burying his face in Sam's chest and saying nothing more.

Hearing the stifled sobs, Sam let Bee crawl over to lie nearly on top of him, so Sam could encircle Bee in his arms. "Wish you'd tell me what's wrong" Sam whispered. Bee's breathing hitched. The word  _selfish_ hissed through his mind again, drawing out thoughts he hated to have. Selfish would be keeping one secret for himself because he knew he didn't deserve the possibilities. "Please?" A strangled whimper escaped Bee, and Sam felt guilt wind itself around his heart again. "It's okay" he ran his fingers through Bee's hair, the other hand tracing gentle circles over Bee's back, "you don't have to."

"Wish I could." Bee whispered, clinging to Sam. "I'm sorry I can't." Bumblebee hated not being able to tell Sam, almost as much as he hated himself.

Sam wished he knew what was wrong. Bee was holding onto him like it would be the last time.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"You didn't have to make him cry." Sunstreaker stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. Sideswipe was walking around his own car form, parked inside the building, and didn't look up.

"Maybe now he'll do something about it."

"You really think so?" Sunstreaker glowered at the insufferable Bot that was his own lover, "You didn't have to be that much of an asshole to him. Poor sparkling about died. He'll never ask Sam to sacrifice that much."

"You never know." Sideswipe crossed the room to stand before him, glare hard. "If he doesn't, he'll never live through it. Had to make that obvious."

"Not that obvious. He knows all this already. I said we should help him, not torment him." Sunstreaker shook his head, walking away a few steps. "You can be such a bastard. I can't believe I love you."

"No one's making you." Sideswipe's defiant tone was back, defensiveness slicing in, "after all, you're the one that started all this."

"What, you wish I didn't?" He didn't even have to turn around to know the look on Sideswipe's face. Pained. Angry. So injured.

"I swear to Primus I'd have buried you a long time ago if I didn't love you so much. Stupid fucking arrogant bastard. You  _know_ I don't wish you didn't, you  _know_ how I feel about you" He growled, and Sunstreaker could almost feel the burning glare at his back; twisted as it was, he loved Sideswipe's angry mood, "I only did what I thought was right." He came up behind Sunstreaker, one hand on Sunstreaker's shoulder. His touch had always been the only apology Sunstreaker could rely on. "He needed to hear that."

"You didn't go about it in the best way." Sunstreaker turned, clenching his hands in Sideswipe's shirt and pushing him backwards in staggering steps, "he doesn't have to learn through pain." Dark eyes met darker, Sunstreaker looking down into that beautiful face.

"It worked, didn't it?" He almost stumbled when the backs of his knees hit the bumper of the corvette, dark eyes fixed on Sunstreaker's face.

"Sure it did. You'd better not do it again."

"Or else?" Sideswipe sneered, as only he could. Sunstreaker, as much as he hated it, had missed their never ending struggles like they alone made the sun rise. "You gonna stop me? I was trying to help. I just used my own method."

"Don't help like that again." Sunstreaker didn't let go of Sideswipe, but pushed him back enough that Sideswipe almost fell, steadying himself only at the last moment. Sideswipe snarled at him, but didn't argue. "They've got enough to deal with without you adding anything."

"I think it helped. Like you're going to stop me?" Sideswipe taunted back, hands fisting in Sunstreaker's shirt so he wouldn't fall backwards; he could tell- Sunstreaker  _was_ going to stop him from leaving. Nothing could tear them apart now, but back when they were hiding and lying to the world, Sunstreaker had needed this push. Sideswipe had tested how close he could get Sunstreaker to the edge before Sunstreaker decided to use his favorite and most effective methods. He used to see how long it took, how far he could go, and he didn't need to anymore, but old ways had become his very lifeblood for those years apart, and now, nothing could feel more right than turning to them again.

"You wouldn't dare do it again." Sunstreaker stopped any further arguments by hooking a hand under Sideswipe's knee and pulling it up so Sideswipe's back hit the hood of the corvette. "Understand?" He flipped Sideswipe over, yanking away clothing. Sideswipe moaned at his touch, frantic hands moving to help.

"Yeah" he growled finally, before his words were lost to a strangled scream. Sunstreaker hid a smile.

"You won't let Ironhide boss you around like this. You tell him- oh, what's that charming human phrase you found?" Sunstreaker felt Sideswipe squirm beneath him, desperation sinking in. The cruelest flicker in his spark delighted in this, every moan like ecstasy.

"I tell him to suck it." Sideswipe's voice was strained, every muscle tensed as Sunstreaker pushed into him roughly, and Sunstreaker barely heard the hiss of a voice, begging, "I can't-can't wait any longer, just-" Sunstreaker swore he was addicted to that desperate, needy plea in Sideswipe's voice. It was like that begging voice was a missing part of him, just like Sideswipe himself was.

"Yeah. Never understood that phrase of yours." Sunstreaker changed his angle, and Sideswipe gasped aloud. "Because that's  _my_  job, and I don't want anyone else doing it."

"He doesn't try and tell me what to do much anymore." Sideswipe managed to get the words out, then groaned and shifted under him, "I don't know why I let you."

"I know the answer to that." He loved making Sideswipe scream. Absolutely loved it. He dragged another howl out of Sideswipe; he'd long since memorized that exact angle that made Sideswipe writhe and scream under him.

"Mmm?"

"You don't. I do it because I want to, not because you let me." He leaned down to press hot kisses along the back of Sideswipe's neck, the movement making him push in deeper so Sideswipe cried out.

"If I had a choice in the matter, I'd let you anyways." He was moving his hips back to meet Sunstreaker's thrusts, arching and gasping at the way electricity seemed to spark through him. "You and no one else." He all-but screamed when Sunstreaker's movements turned harder, stronger, "I hate you," Sideswipe managed to gasp out, and heard sardonic laughter from above him.

"That's why you first came to me. I'm everything you are." If only he knew how true that was. Sideswipe had heard about Sunstreaker before he'd arrived, heard he was unyielding and impossible to get along with. He was everything Sideswipe hated about himself.

Sunstreaker licked a line down Sideswipe's neck and bare shoulders, hands settling on Sideswipe's hips, and if he could, he would be leaving bruises. "I hate you too, Swipe. Especially the way you can be such a bastard."

"Not as bad as you" Sideswipe moaned when Sunstreaker decided to make him wait for it, "Least I don't torture you like this. Fucking  _move..._ " Sunstreaker did so, with a sudden, sharp thrust of his hips that made Sideswipe scream as the intensity suddenly skyrocketed. Sideswipe was still breathing hard when Sunstreaker crawled up next to him on the warm hood. Sideswipe reached out for him, moving in closer to put his head on Sunstreaker's chest. Sunstreaker could feel Sideswipe's ragged breaths, which gave him a dark sort of satisfaction. The corvette hood beneath them was warm, radiating the same heat as Sideswipe's holo body did. Sunstreaker propped one foot up on it, the heat just warm enough. He ran one hand through Sideswipe's dark hair, all mussed and sweaty, the locks dark even against his tan face. Sideswipe tangled his fingers in Sunstreaker's long reddish hair until his breathing finally evened out enough for him to speak.

"I really do hate you. I should have known you'd be nothing but trouble." Sideswipe murmured, letting the reddish locks sift through his fingers. Sunstreaker was everything he was, just as he was everything Sideswipe wasn't. He was offset by differences, like a reflection so warped, it was rendered unrecognizable. Sideswipe had to love the differences, differences he wished he could have, but at hte same time never could, because the gentleness and tenderness belonged to Sunstreaker alone. Sideswipe was sensitive like he wasn't, driven like he couldn't be. By some miracle, Sunstreaker loved Sideswipe's differences like Sideswipe himself wouldn't. "Loving you this much has gotten to be so impossible."

"That right?" a slight smile graced Sunstreaker's face. Oh, Primus, but he'd missed Sideswipe. "I love you more." He ran his fingers over the sleek black metal, felt Sideswipe shiver against him as he felt the touch in both forms. Sideswipe was studying the locks of hair wound around his fingers, concentration undue.

"I don't know if that's possible."

"So maybe we're just even." Sunstreaker said softly, as Sideswipe trailed a fingertip down his chest.

"I'd like that," he finally said, the seriousness something Sunstreaker had rarely encountered before, made him look down at Sideswipe with a curiosity that was closer to awe, "do you have any idea just how much I love you?" Sunstreaker put his arms around Sideswipe, who moved in closer, warm weight against Sunstreaker feeling exactly right, like when he wasn't there, something was wrong in the universe. Sunstreaker closed his eyes, memories dancing in his mind's eye, through the times and times that he'd doubted Sideswipe's love, times he'd doubted they would stay together, times he'd wondered if maybe he really wasn't imagining that intense love Sideswipe seemed to have for him.

"I think I'm starting to understand."


	15. Chapter 15

"Sam, I love you dearly-" Sam sighed heavily at the words, dropping his head into his hands, fingers curling around the phone pressed to his ear, "-but no force on Earth or any other God forsaken planet could convince me to let you come here. But Sam-" Sam kicked his heels against the sides of the metal storage box he was sitting on, the sound echoing through the high-ceilinged room to be lost in the competing noises from the drilling and hammering. The repair complex was alight with noise and motion; Sam had come with Bee and Ironhide, who were somewhere around a corner, working on a satellite.

"Dad..." Sam pleaded again, to no avail.

"I'm not changing my mind, Sam. I'm not letting anything happen to you. Your mother would say the same, I'm positive. And, Sam, she-"

"And you're sure you guys are okay?"

"Arcee's been standing guard, Sam. She's perfectly reliable. And if you would just-"

"Is mom doing better yet?" Sam didn't know how many times he'd asked so far, but every time he did, they still managed to have the same effect on him- they twisted him empty of breath, every hope hinging on the response he would get, and when no comfort came, left him hollow and numb.

"Why do you think I called you? You interrupted me. I was going to tell you."

"And?" Sam was holding the phone so tightly his fingers were cramping, voice barely a whisper. He wished he could somehow brace himself for the news that was to come, but how could he? He could prepare for hours, for days, and would be hurt no less.

"She's going to be okay" His father's voice was raw with relief, "She woke up a few minutes ago. She's going to be just fine." Sam couldn't speak, couldn't form any thoughts beyond the worldless feeling of absolute relief, the single whisper winding through his mind,  _she's going to be okay._

He was still speechless after he'd hung up the phone, still in shock as the numbness slowly, slowly wore off. The relief had consumed every other thought, until nothing was left but the slow-spinning release of all the pent-up anxiety. It was like the world had decided not to fall to pieces yet. He could live for one more day. Nothing was over, not now. Cheating death had never felt so good.

The sound of metal nearly exploding made Sam glance up. Maybe a few years ago, he would have been nearly hysterical at the violent sound, but now knew that Ironhide's equally violent cussing would follow in a matter of seconds.

"You are such a-" Ironhide started raging, going on to describe just how he felt in the most colorful terms possible. Sam was only mildly concern when smoke wafted around the corner, deciding to go investigate only after there was the sound of something heavy hitting the ground.

Rounding the corner, Sam saw that the "something" had been part of the wall. Ironhide had somehow managed to put a hole in the wall, big enough to drive a battleship through. The grey bot was cursing up a storm and attaching braces to the side of the walls before the building gave way. He received no help whatsoever from Bumblebee, who laughed until Ironhide swung a steel pole at him.

"Just hold up that part of the wall" Ironhide grumbled, pointing to it. The yellow Bot complied, with only a minimal amount of snickering, as Ironhide looked through a metal box and came up with something akin to a welding torch. He continued to mutter under his breath as he ensured that hte wall wouldn't come down before it could get fixed. "Sam," Ironhide said, although Sam hadn't even known Ironhide had noticed him, "you say one word about this to Optimus, and I'll-" whatever plans he had were lost to a frenzy of curses, as part of the wall crumbled more.

"Can I go now?" Bee asked, having finished fixing his side of the wall. Ironhide sighed and nodded.

"Go ahead. I'll single-handedly make sure the building doesn't collapse and destroy everything. Don't feel bad or anything."

"Great, thanks. C'mon, Sam." Bee held out a hand for Sam, who climbed up. "Don't get buried under the building, Ironhide." Bee called out, leaving before Ironhide could put a dent in him with a metal beam. The repair complex overlooked the runway, the deserted pavement still dark from the recent rain, and Bee started towards the rest of the city. "What's got you so happy, anyways?" Bee asked, optics flickering down to Sam, who was sitting in Bee's hand, "...it's nice." Before, if Sam closed his eyes, he'd be able to match Bee's sweet, shy smile to the tone, but things had changed. He didn't need the visual anymore, didn't need to make that bridge between Bee's human and Bot form. No bridge was needed, as the void had at long last vanished.

"My dad called me" Sam grinned up at Bee, "and my mom's gonna be okay."

"That's great, Sam." Bee said, and despite hsi cheerful tone, Sam could have sworn he heard a hint of... something there. Something like... was it anxiety? Sam didn't understand; she was in the clear, what else was there to worry about?

"So, where're we goin'?"

"Well, since Ironhide destroyed half the repair complex, I'm off for the day."

"Sure you didn't have anything to do with that?"

"Not too much" Bee snickered, "at least... not  _really._ Thought we'd go to the rec centre, see if I could catch Ratchet on his break. I'd hate to bug him while he's trying to work."

"I wouldn't feel bad about it." Sam leaned back on his hands, looking up, "I do it all the time and he hasn't killed me yet."

"Yet." They arrived at the building, at which point Bee lowered Sam to the ground.

"Human or holo?" Sam asked, hopping off Bee's hand onto the sidewalk.

"You got a preference?"

"You know I do. And so do you." Sam smiled. Bee just shook his head, used to him.

This change of forms wasn't so much a transformation as a recreation. Bee's spark light flashed, and in a moment, every last bit of him had swapped composition, leaving him wholly human.

"Pretty cool." Sam started towards the building, Bee loping along beside him, "You never fail to impress me."

"Now how fair is that?" Bee pushed open the door to the stairwell and started taking the steps two at a time, "I have to change my entire form to impress you, and all you've gotta do to impress me is give me the same smile no matter what form I'm in. I work way harder than you do, that's for sure."

"You're kidding, that's what impresses you?" Sam hurried to keep up, nearly stumbling on the metal steps, Bee already at the second floor, "I don't even think about it when I do that."

"I know." Bee gave him a brilliant smile, "That's what impresses me." Sam could only follow mutely as Bee went ahead into the main room. He wasn't sure if it was good or bad that Bee was so impressed by the fact that Sam was able to realize that, Bot form or human form or even car form, Bee was always the same. It could have been good, that Bee was finally starting to see how Sam truly did care, but at the same time, he shouldn't have been so surprised.

"How is it that he's always here?" Bee mumbled under his breath, as Sam came up behind him.

"Who?" He looked around Bee, who wasn't moving out of the doorway, and his gaze fell upon Tanner, who was holding a cup of coffee and talking to Epps. "Ah. But, Bee" He started in a chiding tone, slipping a hand up the back of Bee's tight black shirt, "remember what we talked about. Murdering is  _bad._ Say it with me. Bad. Very bad."

"Yeah, yeah." Bee shivered with delight at Sam's touch, even as his tone was completely unconvincing. "Bad. I remember. Totally." He looked up again, and started snickering. "Looks like someone beat me to him anyways."

"Huh?" Upon closer examination, Sam saw that Tanner had a black eye, visible from all the way across the room. "Wonder where he got that. I'm gonna find out." He slipped past Bee and wove his way across the room. Soldiers were settled on the couch, a few playing a video game on the widescreen TV, the rest screaming something that didn't sound like encouragement at the players. He reached the other side of the room, where tables were grouped around the window, beside the Christmas tree that was still up. It was barely November, but all the decorations had stubbornly stayed up.

The mistletoe, Sam was amused to note, was gone.

"Hey, Sam" Tanner greeted him as if he hadn't received a death threat the last time Sam had come around, "What's up? Yo've been ditching calc." Epps said a quick hello to Sam, then left to talk to another soldier.

"Yeah, I hang out with bad influences." Sam could practically feel Bee's stare. Bee just couldn't be convinced that Tanner wouldn't jump at Sam the moment the soldier saw him. He apparently wasn't satisfied with watching from a safe distance, because not a moment later, he was next to Sam, studying Tanner with a fair amount of dislike.

"I think we got off to a bad start." Tanner finally said to Bee, after practically quivering with fear.

"So that's what you're calling it?" Bee shrugged a shoulder, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Jeans, Sam noticed, that were tighter than those Bee had worn the previous day, and Sam really did like them. "I kind of had you marked for death, but being on the 'bad start' list is cool too, I guess."

"Okay. Great." Tanner smiled nervously. "I do owe you an apology. What I said was... uncalled for." Bee just looked at him, unforgiving, "Okay. Really uncalled for. I was just pissed off because I didn't realize Sam was taken. Bygones?" At this, Bee looked bewildered. He leaned in to whisper to Sam.

"What the hell's a bygone?" Sam nearly choked with laughter. It really was too easy to forget that Bee was new to being human, and that every idiomatic phrase left him puzzled.

"He wants you to let it go and forgive him."

"Oh." Bee straightened. "Just don't do it again." Tanner nodded.

"Yeah, yeah. It was hardly my fault..." he said. Bee just arched an eyebrow at that. "What? I do have a weakness for pretty boys."

"Apparently." Bee's interest had drifted, though, and Sam spotted Ratchet, as Bee had, across the room. Once he'd gone to talk to the other Bot, Sam turned back to Tanner.

"You had to say that? He's probably gonna go find other taken boys and taunt you with them. It's like giving him a loaded gun."

"Yeah, why bother? He's already got 'em built into his arms! I swear your boy's gonna rip me apart." Tanner took a sip from his coffee, frowning. "Then again, he does have competition for that one. I did get into some trouble yesterday, and have another psycho after me."

"Is that where the black eye's from? What happened?"

"There was this guy..." Tanner smiled sheepishly, "How was I supposed to know he was taken? And that he had one  _hell_ of a jealous lover?"

"Who was it?"

"I don't know his name" Tanner glanced around to see if the man in question was there, and shook his head "Not here. But he was gorgeous. Tall, dark eyes, sexy smile, he was fuckin' gorgeous, I practically  _died_. All that long red hair..." Sam nearly choked.

"That was Sunstreaker!" he managed to gasp out, trying in vain to hide laughter. "I can't even  _believe_ you hit on Sunstreaker! Shit, man, I can't believe you're still even  _alive!_ "

"I didn't know who he was! I thought he was just a guy!" Tanner scowled, "And I  _still_ don't know who he is. Mind explaining to me what the hell happened? I was there and I don't even get it."

"Well, my best guess-" Sam said, trying to get his laughter under control and failing for a good ten more seconds, "is that Sideswipe saw, and beat you up for it."

"And who is that?"

"Only the most possessive lover on any planet. They were separated for five hundred years, he only just got Sunstreaker back, so he's still really, really territorial" Sam grinned despite himself, "Your just lucky he wasn't in his Bot form, or you'd be dead."

"It was hardly my faul- shit! shit!" He ducked behind Sam, practically trembling from fear. "That's him! Sideswipe! He's gonna kill me..." Sam looked around for Sideswipe, but instead his gaze landed on Bee, who was talking to Ratchet. He looked more ill-at-ease than Sam could imagine the reason for. As he watched, Optimus's holo walked up behind Bee, and when Bee realized, he jumped. The widened eyes told Sam exactly what Bee was feeling, and that was fear. He was tense, like he expected Optimus to rip the spark from his chest right that moment. He talked with Optimus for a short while, then, when Optimus looked up to Ratchet, practically bolted in his haste to return to Sam.

"He say anything?" Sam asked, trying to look behind him to see Bee, who was practically attached to Sam's back, arms around him from behind.

"Just making sure I'm still being a good guardian" He leaned his forehead against ht eback of Sam's neck, "and he said that they found evidence that the Decepticons had been by the hospital. They'd been waiting for you."

"So you were right to not let me go." Sam traced his fingertip over Bee's hands, "so it'll all be okay now." Bee shifted against him, breath on Sam's neck. "And he doesn't know anything yet. So he can't do anything. We're safe."

"Guess so." He brushed his lips against Sam's neck. "Can't I kiss you yet? Optimus just left."

"Ratchet's still here. You know he'd tell."

"Yeah. He told Optimus about Sideswipe and Sunstreaker and all." Bee said sorrowfully, and Sam nearly forgot to breathe. Bee picked up on this shock, and elaborated, "he didn't think anything of it, and he was really, really sorry it ended up like that, but he feels obligated, as an officer. He'd never have separated them on purpose, he just thought Optimus had a right to know." Bee sighed. "So no kissing right now." Bee exhaled slowly, then let go of Sam with obvious reluctance. He cut a glance at Tanner, who was cowering a few feet away. "Don't you have a boyfriend to be stealing or something?"

"Not if he wants to live." Sideswipe's voice made Tanner's mouth drop open. He started to edge towards Sam to hide, but when he saw that Bee was still there, froze.

"I swear I didn't mean to" He managed to stammer out, "Really. Really. I didn't. Not at all."

"Good. Because he's mine, always has been, and hell if I'm' going to lose him to the likes of you," Sideswipe's dark hair was tousled, and he ran a hand through it in an attempt to fix it. It certainly was no secret what he'd been doing before coming to the rec centre; there was a bite mark on his skin, right between his neck and shoulder. From the looks of it, there was no danger that he was going to lose Sunstreaker to anyone.

"I didn't mean to. Really. I had no idea at all..." Tanner held up a hand in surrender, "Honest."

"Good. Because if you think  _that_ Bot is violent," He nodded towards Bee, who played it up and bared his teeth, "you haven't seen anything."

"I'm sorry!" Tanner practically whispered, eyes huge with fear. "Know what? I'm gonna go leave now and go back to work... because I had this... thing... that I have to do... with... work stuff. So, uh... bye..." He did his best not to run, but when he walked away, it was clear he wanted to get away as soon as possible.

"Do you  _enjoy_ scaring the poor guy to death?" Sam asked, and Sideswipe just grinned.

"He was asking for it. I'll be damned if I let him think that was even remotely okay." He paused to consider for a second, "although I wasn't the one to threaten to track him down and murder him in his sleep. That was Sunstreaker. And he really, really meant it, too." Sam snorted with laughter. Not only was Sideswipe territorial, Sunstreaker was so pleased with that possessiveness that he would fight for it too. Bee's fingers clutched at Sam's sleeve, in a loose, motionless tug. Sam wished he knew what Bee was thinking, but had he known, he wouldn't have been able to keep from crying. Bumblebee was wishing that Sam was the way Sunstreaker was, so purely happy with the relationship that he'd fight for it.

"What?" Sam turned to Bee, who just looked at him, as if he didn't know his doubts were written all over his face.

Sometimes, Sam would have sworn that he was wrong, that maybe Bee had real feelings for him, that maybe, they were more doomed than he even knew.

"Well, I just came to find you guys. We're doing some meeting thing with the military guys. Hopefully excluding the little boyfriend-stealing asshole. Come on." Sideswipe didn't notice Sam's confused look, just leading the from the room.

The meeting was held in a room on the thirtieth floor of a building Sam had never been in before. Sitting around the long table, he saw Ironhide, Ratchet, the Twins, (who were poking each other with pencils), a handful of other military people he didn't recognize, and Arcee. Sunstreaker was at one corner, and beckoned for Sideswipe to take the empty seat next to him.

"Had a word with that Tanner guy again" Sideswipe said quietly as he sat down, making Sunstreaker smile.

"C'mon." Bee cast a nervous glance up at the head of the table, where Optimus was standing, talking to Lennox. He took the seat next to Sideswipe, Sam slipping in next to him. As soon as he scooted his chair closer to the table, he felt Bee's hand stray to his thigh.

"Did you scare him?" Sunstreaker whispered to Sideswipe, who shrugged in an imitation of modesty.

"Only a little. Told him I wasn't going to lose you to the likes of him." This made Sunstreaker laugh out loud, and then fall silent as soon as he realized that the rest of the room was quiet.

"Poor kid. Good thing he learned his lesson." Sam turned his gaze from them to Bee, who was thinking about something or other. Sam reached over to swipe his fingers under the top of Bee's jeans, brushing over that spot below Bee's left hip that never failed to make Bee squirm. He got just the reaction he was looking for, and Bee shot him a mock furious look.

As soon as the secretary of defense appeared on the video screen, Lennox started the discussion.

"We recently discovered evidence of a planned Decepticon ambush, which was foiled." He always had been able to use the Autobots' terms with an ease as if they were his language's own, "As you can see." He slid a few pictures down the length of the table. Bee's hand stilled on Sam's leg as his gaze fell on the picture. A ventilator in a hospital room had been smashed to pieces. "Arcee?" The brunette woman stood up, the hologram flickering slightly.

"Tire tracks were found outside, and inside a hospital room, we found several Decepticons posing as medical equipment." Her voice was in a harsh monotone; she hadn't worked on her hologram as extensively as the other Bots had. She nodded to Lennox and retook her seat.

"Now, we can only expect that they will come here." Optimus continued at Lennox's nod. "We need to start considering defense strategies, or, perhaps, offense." He went on to discuss the idea the others had already come up with, nothing Sam hadn't heard before, until something caught his attention. "We do have to be more careful than usual." Optimus was saying, "Because their intentions are much more dangerous this time. Before, they were seeking capture." His gaze rested on Sam momentarily. "This time, they seek to capture and then destroy." Sam heard Bee's breath catch at that. "We're going to do our best to avoid offense, but will not hesitate, should the need arise." Onscreen, the secretary of defense was nodding in agreement.

"I see you have new team members, Optimus. Perhaps we could review the roles?" He gestured to someone behind him, "My colleagues are not all familiar with the team members and their positions."

"Of course" Optimus turned from the screen to the table. "We are again working closely with the Nest team, represented by Captain Lennox. And this is Ratchet, our medical officer. Ironhide, weapons specialist. Bumblebee, intelligence officer and scout."

"Promoted? Since when?" Sam mouthed. Bee shrugged a shoulder.

"Recently. Just means I work on engineering stuff too." he whispered back. Sam just nodded, watching Sideswipe drumming his fingers on the table. "Still your guardian, too."

"Good." Sam grinned at him, as Optimus went on.

"And Sideswipe, chief engineer. And Sunstreaker," Optimus paused at that, "Who may work in weaponry, or wherever he chooses."

"Do you have a first lieutenant?" Another voice asked, as a man stepped into the screen behind the secretary of war. Lennox rolled his eyes; it was the man he'd managed to throw out of an airplane before.

"Not currently, but-" Optimus replied. His gaze flickered over to Sunstreaker momentarily.

"Sunstreaker had been second lieutenant." Bee whispered in Sam's ear.

"It would make for a better structure of leadership." The man continued. Optimus looked back at Sunstreaker, question on his face,  _would you be first lieutenant?_  Sunstreaker slipped an arm around Sideswipe pointedly, looking straight at Optimus, the gesture saying,  _only if you don't tear us apart again._ Optimus nodded.

"I agree."

"So you have a second lieutenant?"

"Yes. Sunstreaker." The matter resolved, they continued their discussion in the direction of strategies.

"-and we do have reason to believe that the Decepticons will be much more... heavy-handed this time around" Lennox was saying, "For the first time, they had harmed someone quite dramatically, and it only makes sense that they will not stop there."

"You believe they would stoop to-" the secretary of defense said hesitantly, and Lennox nodded.

"Destruction. Murder. Extreme attacks. This time, they will likely stop at nothing, because their forces are small and the consequences more dire. If they lose this attack, it will be the last, making the stakes higher than the last time. We were fortunate before."

"Fortunate?" The man Lennox so hated appeared onscreen again, "These beings brought them here. And we won't even broach the subject on how they came here in the first place." He narrowed his eyes in Bee's direction, and Bee sunk down in his seat.

"He was under assignment" Optimus broke in. "And did just as he asked."

"Am I to understand that protection is his appointed duty?"

"Yes." Optimus clearly couldn't figure out where this was being taken either.

"These NBE's were found in that boy's house." The man refused to say  _Decepticon,_ using the acronym for "Non-Biological-Extraterrestrials" which made Lennox sigh and roll his eyes as the man went on, "How is it they weren't detected?" Sam glanced sideways to see Bee's reaction, and Bee had blushed a dark scarlet and was staring at the tabletop in shame. "You had a guardian not fifty feet from where it was found. That thing attacked a human, and it had been there for some time before that." Sam cut another glance at Bee, wanting to say he knew it wasn't Bee's fault at all, but Bee wouldn't look at him. It was like he expected Sam to be furious, and couldn't look.

"They are not easy to detect" Optimus's voice was sharp, but the man barreled on anyways.

"For someone trained to? I find that hard to believe. And furthermore, that piece of the cube thing was in that house too. If this is your expected level of competence-" At that, Bee dropped his head into his hands.

"I have to leave. I can't...can't take it." Bee slipped out of the room, no one noticing but Sam.

As soon as the meeting ended, Sam went to look for Bumblebee. It took him an hour to check the engineering, medical, and repair buildings, but the list of places to look was still fairly long. Bee wasn't in the rec building, so Sam headed across the street to one of the Bot buildings. He tried a door on the side and found it unlocked, so he stepped into the dark hallway. It wasn't a building he recognized, and didn't look like somewhere Bee would be.

Sam was about to double back, but his fingers slipped from the metal door and it slammed shut behind him, locking him into the corridor. Well, fine. He'd find another way out.

"What?" A voice from the room at the end of the hall made him jump. Sam crept through the dark hallway until he could see the room it led to. The room was mostly dark, housing two sleek cars.

"It... it's nothing." Sunstreaker's voice. Sam ducked down behind the wall. "Just..." Sam peeked around the corner. Sunstreaker was sitting on the corvette hood, wearing dark jeans and leaning against the windshield, Sideswipe curled up next to him, with faded jeans that had slipped down a few inches from his hips. Sunstreaker was fiddling with the faded beltloops, threading his fingers through one. "You're so different."

"I know." Sideswipe's voice was soft, apologetic.

"I mean, you've always hated me, but..." This took Sam by surprise; he couldn't imagine a more devoted couple. How could it be possible? "you haven't always needed me."

"Have too." Sideswipe mumbled. "I hate how much I need you. You being gone showed me how much I need you."

"And yet, you still hate me." Sunstreaker sounded almost amused. Sideswipe laughed.

"You're everything I am, of course I do. And then you're better. That's why I love you."

"Positive and negative of the same energy." Sunstreaker said softly. "I know that. I just... think you're kind of different. Sort of..." he paused to find the right description, "I could be wrong."

"You're never wrong. You said so yourself." Sam leaned forward a little, but could still barely see.

"I know." Sunstreaker absent-mindedly rubbed a hand over the car hood, and this made Sideswipe arch his back and make a little purring noise. "I might be though. It's just... are you... I don't know, worried about something about us?" This was followed by silence. "You are. I kind of... hoped not. What?" The strain in his voice made it obvious: Sunstreaker fear Sideswipe doubted they should be together.

"It's ridiculous." Sideswipe mumbled, playing with a strand of Sunstreaker's red hair, "Really." Sunstreaker made a sort of growling noise in his throat, and Sideswipe sighed. "Okay. I guess I'm sort of... worried I'm going to lose you again. Because it would be worse this time, now that you're back."

"You're not going to. No one's going to do that again."

"It's not that." Sideswipe seemed loath to admit it. The more Sam heard, the more convinced he was that it was a conversation he should be eavesdropping on, however accidental it was. Sideswipe sighed. "Not like that. I mean... losing you to..."

"To someone else?" Sunstreaker asked softly. Silence followed in response, saying, so clearly it was painful, _what if you found someone else, someone better?_ "No, Swipe. Never that." He slid down from the windshield to lie beside Sideswipe, slipping an arm around him. "You never have to worry about that. I don't want anyone else. Never." He kissed Sideswipe gently. "Why would you think that?"

"Because" Sideswipe sounded hesitant, "we have the same faults, but you make yours seem okay. There's more to you than just that. And..."

"And you're the same" Sunstreaker whispered. "You've got issues, but you balance them out. I love that. All of you." Sideswipe laughed at that, albeit weakly, but Sunstreaker smiled all the same.

 _He really does mean that,_ Sam thought, almost in wonder,  _this is what real love looks like. Sure as hell doesn't look like it from the outside, but... I guess... it really is._ He leaned back against the wall, thoughts whirling faster than he could catch them,  _I wish we had that. I wish Bee loved me back like that._

The thought nearly made his heart stop. Exactly when Sam had fallen in love with Bumblebee, he wasn't sure, but the silent confession had fallen into place as if he'd always known it.

Even so, Sam knew he'd never be able to say it, because Bee didn't feel the same way. The realization only made him long more for the sort of relationship he was eavesdropping on.

"Only you could love me." Sideswipe murmured.

"Exactly. Only I could love such a stubborn, violent asshole. You put a dent in my hood yesterday, by the way."

"You're lucky I love you back or there'd be worse damage than just a dent."

When soft laughter turned to kissing, Sam decided he would prefer not to watch. He snuck back down the hallway, to try the door again. He was dismayed to discover that it had never been locked, merely jammed, but wasn't about to throw away the good luck. He darted out the door and shut it behind him.

As he started in the direction of the hanger, the next item on his list of places to search for Bee, Sam replayed the overheard conversation in his mind. It was almost amazing, to think that Sunstreaker could promise his love to Sideswipe and mean it. Perhaps even more so was that Sideswipe wanted to hear that, and felt the same way.

"Bee? You here?" Sam reached the hanger and looked through the doorway. He smiled when he spotted Bee sitting against the wall, and went over to join him. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Sorry." Bee's hand slid into Sam's, squeezing gently. "I just didn't want to hear all that. They were right, but I really didn't want to hear it."

"No they weren't. They were wrong." He watched Bee, who was staring at the ground. "You couldn't have known the Decepticons were there. And obviously you've been a great guardian, because I'm still alive."

"I didn't do anything."

"Sure you did. Imagine if someone else had been my guardian, like Sideswipe. He would have killed me himself." This finally got a small smile from Bee.

"I could never do that. I-" In Bee's mind, the reason was  _I love you,_ but he'd never admit that to Sam, never, "couldn't do that."

"Yet." Sam added, and Bee laughed. "So you've done fine. Don't worry about me." This made Bee shake his head.

"Of course I'm worried about you, Sam" Bee's voice was tight, strained, "Especially now."

"Why now?" Sam frantically scanned his memories for some hint, something to tell him why.

"Like they said. You didn't take the bait. The Decepticons set it up so you would go to the hospital and they would have gotten you there, but you didn't go. Now that your mom's going to leave the hospital and they still haven't gotten what they wanted-" Sam's eyes widened when he saw where Bee was going with his words, wanted to beg him not to say it, not to make it real, "they'll come here next." Sam wasn't thinking about himself, however. If the Decepticons had hurt his own mother, he knew who they'd target next.

"What about you?" he managed to ask. Bee looked nonplussed. "They went after my own mother. They're trying to get at me through people I care about."

"So?"

" _So,_ don't you think you're at the top of that list?" Sam's heart broke a little at the surprised look Bee quickly hid. "I swear I'm going to  _hurt_ you if you don't believe me. Listen." He met Bee's amber-eyed gaze, "I do care about you. You're my best friend, how could I not? I always have. And now even more so. Believe me?" Bee gave him the coy smile Sam loved, the first one he'd seen, what felt like so long ago. "And really, why else would I trek across the entire freakin' city just to find you?"

"Sure took forever." Bee teased, and Sam grinned.

"Had a slight, uh... detour. Accidentally eavesdropped on Sideswipe and Sunstreaker." He tilted his head back against the wall, still hearing their words in his mind. "Did you know they hate each other?"

"Of course they do" Bee seemed genuinely surprised that Sam hadn't known that, "they fight all the time. It's because they're so similar, they've got the same issues and all."

"So how the hell are they so in love?"

"I think..." Bee ran his tongue over his bottom lip as he though, practically distracting Sam from the topic completely, "They're so amazed that someone can make those bad qualities seem so good. They're like opposites, but... the same. It's hard to explain."

"Whatever works for them, I guess." Sam had had enough of watching Bee's seductive expression and not acting on it. He leaned over to catch Bee's lips against his own. Bee made Sam's favorite moaning noises, as Sam moved to kneel in front of him. He pressed one knee against Bee's crotch, making Bee gasp out loud and clutch at Sam. Sam continued to ravish those lips, pinning Bee against the wall. Bee moved against him, groaning when Sam increased the pressure on his crotch, tongue probing into Sam's mouth eagerly. The hot little noises he was making were almost too much for Sam, and he kissed Bee harder, deeper, one hand trailing down Bee's chest.

Neither heard the footsteps, or realized that they were being watched, until a deep voice broke the silence.

"What's going on here?"


	16. Chapter 16

"First lieutenant. First fucking lieutenant. I can't believe you." Sunstreaker just leaned against the hood, saying nothing. "He kills you, and you still return to him?!" He knew Sideswipe's tone. This was going to be the sort of argument where everything hit hard, just like it was meant to.  
"We needed someone to do it."  
"It didn't have to be you. What message are you trying to send him? That what he did is okay?" Sideswipe wouldn't even look at him, standing with his back to Sunstreaker. "That you forgive him?"  
"Know what, Swipe? It's you who can't forgive. What he did was fucked up, yeah, but he had a kind of reason to do it, and it's over now, but you just can't get over it."  
"How could I?" Sideswipe turned to Sunstreaker, glaring like he was looking at his enemy and not his lover. Sunstreaker wanted to wish away the slow burn that grew inside him, wishing lust could give way to all his anger. Primus knew he had enough anger to sweep him away, but no. Sideswipe could deactivate him and in his last moment, all he'd feel was love. "Let it go. It's over, and it's not gonna happen again."  
"You trust him?!"  
"I have to." He wanted to beg Sideswipe not to make him say it, but even if he did, Sideswipe would shove him against a wall and demand it out of him.  
"Have to? You don't owe him anything." his voice was cold, but Sunstreaker knew it would get worse.  
"I do too." Sunstreaker fought to keep the words back, but that had never worked. He'd always been too good at hurting Sideswipe. "I owe him everything!"  
"He killed you!"  
"Exactly!" Sunstreaker saw, but couldn't really do anything about, the bewildered look on Sideswipe's face. "He killed me, but he didn't kill you! Why the hell do you think he deactivated someone with a higher rank?!"  
"You started all this, that's why!" despite his angry words, there was doubt in his voice, doubt that tore at Sunstreaker like anger never could.  
"No." Sunstreaker's voice dropped to a dangerous low tone, "he didn't kill you because of that. He spared you because I fucking begged him not to. I'd rather he hurt me and not you." As soon as he said it, he wished he hadn't. He didn't want Sideswipe to realize what he hadn't. He'd lacked foresight that day.  
"He did hurt me!" Damned if Sideswipe hadn't instantly seen what he hadn't. "You got off easy!" Sunstreaker would rather turn to anger than regret.  
"You think it was easy to make that choice?"  
"Easier that living without." He hated the icy hatred in Sideswipe's voice.  
"You didn't love me that much!" They'd been crossing lines, always did, but he'd found the last one left and stormed it. "You fucking hate me!"  
"How can you still not get it?! You're never going to understand, are you?" Sunstreaker wished he could tell if Sideswipe was livid, or truly injured.  
"How can I? I thought I was doing the right thing! You lived, didn't you?"  
"You have no idea how horrible it was! You got the easy way out!" Sideswipe turned away, so Sunstreaker couldn't see the look on his face.  
"Sacrificing myself wasn't easy," he hissed at Sideswipe's back, "I traded my life for yours"  
"You did it for yourself, not me. I don't mean that much to you!" Words off less truth had been spoken only a few times before, during another fight at another time.  
"Know what, Swipe?" Oh, Primus, how he hated the snarl in his own voice. "I wish I didn't love you."  
The look on his lover's face was the one he'd missed seeing so long ago, on the day he'd been deactivated, the day Sideswipe's world had ended for the next five hundred years. It was the same look he was seeing now.

"I wish you didn't either."  
One thing he hated was how he would be able to bring up the voice files later, hear every hurtful word over and over again.  
Listening to it again, far from the building, far from Sideswipe, he wondered he it hadn't been their most hurtful yet.  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
Sam wished he could understand the words in Bee's silence. He had no idea what Bee was saying. Watching him, at least, Sam could figure out some me what Bee was feeling. He was slouched down in one of the chairs, hands over his face. Sam slid down into the chair next to Bee.  
"It'll be okay. He might understand." Sam tried again. Bee still said nothing, just as before, but this time reaching for Sam's hand and holding on tight. "He can't do anything to you." How he hoped that was true.  
"Sam." Bee's voice was soft, "that's not what matters to me." Again, Sam had the same thought. It would be so much more heart-wrenchingly twisted if there was love involved. The agony would kill.  
The door opened and then closed.  
"I told those overzealous interns not to disturb us." Ratchet crossed the room to sit in a chair in the row across from theirs. He tapped his fingers together, pursing his lips. "For Primus's sake, Bumblebee, I'm not going to do anything terrible." Bee sat up straighter, but didn't release Sam's hand. If anything, he tightened his grip.  
"But you told Optimus about Sideswipe and Sunstreaker."  
"I did." Ratchet's voice was measured to reveal little emotion. "I can't even tell you how much I regret it."  
"You do?" Sam couldn't quite believe their luck. Bee breathed easier, but Sam still couldn't feel his hand.  
"Not at first, but after seeing the amount me comfort Sideswipe needed- still won't admit to needing- I realized what a mistake it was." He sighed, looking between them, "I will not repeat so dire a mistake. But-" Sam sucked in a nervous breath at that, "this is a very different situation. Unfortunately, it is unavoidable that someone will be hurt." His gaze traveled between them, as if trying to figure out who would be the one to suffer the pain. Sam snuck a glance at Bee, the way his dark hair was mussed from running his fingers through it, the pale tone to his face. He'd hate to see Bee hurt, fight harder to avoid that, harder than he'd fight to leave himself unhurt. "How serious is this?"  
For a moment, neither spoke. Sam didn't want to jump in with how he felt; surely it would scare Bee off, to hear that Sam wanted to stay together for as long as possible. He wouldn't say it, couldn't imagine living without Bee. Before either could speak, there was the sound of a door slamming from across the street.  
"If I could, I'd not love you! You're such a fucking asshole!" Sunstreaker's shout was audible even from across the street.  
"You have no pride! None at  _all!_ I can't even tell you how much I hate you!" Sideswipe's words were just as brutal, screamed across the street, alighting the very air in a wildfire of anger.  
"Not as much as you hate yourself!" The sound of an engine roaring off filled the air. Ratchet sighed.  
"Second time today." There was the sound of another engine, fading off into the other direction. "Are you like them?" Finally, a question Sam could answer honestly.  
"No."  
Ratchet had been asking if they had that sort of love, the type where their world ended when they weren't together, but Sam decided he was asking about the fight.  
"We never fight like that." Bee added. Ratchet nodded, although he didn't look entirely convinced.  
"I won't tell Optimus. I'll leave it to you to tell anyone else." They got up to leave, but as Sam was about to follow Bee into the hallway, Ratchet called him back.  
"I'll catch you later," Sam turned back, but Bee caught him by the elbow, pulling him back for a kiss. Sam wanted to ask why he looked so anxious, but couldn't.  
Once Sam was reseated in his chair, he realized why Bee had looked so nervous. Ratchet looked more concerned than Sam wanted to imagine the reason for.  
"Sam, are you sure you two are not serious? Because while I have no way of knowing what Bee truly feels, your pheromone levels suggest something different than you've said."  
"Can Bee read it too?" Sam knew he'd given himself away, but couldn't really be bothered to have a panic attack at the moment.  
"He keeps those monitors off, unless specifically requested otherwise, and can't access then in his human form. He says receiving so much information at once overwhelms him."  
"Oh. Okay." Sam was able to relax only until he realized that Ratchet was still watching him. "would it be... bad? If he did love me? I mean, I can't do anything to keep that from happening. The only thing I can do is pretend that I don't love him. Would it be bad?"  
"It would be difficult." the words were less than comforting, despite the gentle tone. "It would be hard enough to lose a loved one. But to live so long after they've gone, able to remember every moment in absolute precision? No one can live in the past the way an Autobot cam. It would be agony, to say the least."  
"So what can I do? I can't stop him from feeling any certain way. I can barely keep from telling him I love him!" Sam just wanted a way to rid them of the ever-stalking misery. Ratchet stood, going to look out the window at the empty building across the street.  
"I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. In some respects, its fortunate your relationship doesn't consist me more than the physical."  
"Yeah." Sam wished more than anything that he meant more to Bee, but it was easier to accept the reality when he realized it hurt Bee less. He couldn't live with the thought of Bee in so much pain. It was easier this way.

It was easy to see why Tanner had gone after Sunstreaker, Sam observed, watching Sunstreaker wash paint off the ground outside the hanger (it was his punishment for sneaking up on the Twins while they painted, startling them into flinging paint everywhere). Sunstreaker had switched to his holo form, so he could use the water hose. It was unfair, how flawless his holo was. Ratchet had said the default was a projection of what they would look like if they were human, the little taste of reality making it even more unfair. The Twins' holos were skinny and tall, but Sunstreaker, while he had the height, apparently would have been a gym-frequenting human, like Sideswipe, Ironhide and Bumblebee. Sam hated them for it. If that wasn't unfair enough, Sunstreaker was also lithe and gorgeous, with long, silky red hair and a sexy smile. Sam could see why Tanner had been so attracted to him, even though he wasn't the hottest of the Bots. Of course, Sam was partial to his Bot.  
Sunstreaker flicked water at Sam. "Are you really this bored?"  
"Nothing better to do. Bee's busy."  
"Ah. I think he's at engineering with Sideswipe." Sam couldn't have missed the bitter note in his tone if he'd tried his best to ignore it on purpose.  
"You aren't going to leave him, are you?" That would be terrible, like the event that would destroy all hope in love. Sunstreaker actually laughed.  
"Never. Leave Swipe? I could never do that."  
"Why not? I mean-" Sam hesitated, "not to be... mean or anything... But he's kind of a... Uh..."  
"He's a stubborn, hateful, insufferable bastard," Sunstreaker finished helpfully. Sam stared. "You're surprised? You should hear what he says about me."  
"But... you... and him..."  
"Of course. There's no one in any world that I love more. But love comes in different forms. I might hate my lover because he's everything I hate in myself, and you might love yours because he's everything you're not and more, but I couldn't live without mine and neither could you." He turned off the water hose. "We still fight, though." The sorrowful note made Sam look up at him.  
"Was it... worse this time?" he ventured. Sunstreaker shrugged.  
"Kind of. He said things I didn't want to hear. And I suppose I did the same. We'll always have our problems."  
Sam knew his and Bee's problem- they didn't know what mattered most, their relationship, or everything else.  
"So... What is your problem?"  
"Our problem?" Sunstreaker sighed heavily, "Our problem is that you can't prove to someone just how much you love them."  
The yellow Camaro purred up and Bee's holo materialized behind Sam. He wound his arms around Sam, chin on Sam's shoulder.  
"Sideswipe said to tell you that you're still wrong," he said to Sunstreaker, who nodded.  
"Typical. Anything else?"  
"Um..." he pressed his lips to Sam's neck, taking his time, "asked him to come tonight," he nudged his hips forward to bump Sam, "with us. And you."  
"I don't want to go anywhere with him. Where to?"  
"Clubbing," Bee purred with delight as Sam slid his hands over Bee's wrists.  
"Gonna come with?" Sam asked, trying to keep his focus as Bee licked at his neck.  
"As long as I don't have to speak to that bastard, fine."  
The two most dedicated lovers Sam had ever seen didn't exchange a single word during the entire car ride to the city. They took Sunstreaker's car form, but the Camaro trailed along behind anyways because, as Bee said, he and Sam wouldn't want to share a car with the other two on the way back. At the moment, though, they weren't speaking. Sideswipe was slouched in the drivers seat next to Bee, and Sam was in the backseat with Sunstreaker. Bee and Sideswipe were talking, act Sam was more interested in teasing Bee with quick little touches that made Bee shiver with delight, tormenting him until they were in line at the club. Sam slid his hand into Bee's while watching the other two pretend the love of his life didn't exist. Sunstreaker looked angry, while his counterpart seemed cold. Sam missed Bee's startled look at the public display of their relationship, the sort Bee had longed for but never dared try to instigate. The tiny action promised him that the evening would be better than he'd thought it could be.  
Once inside, Sam was sure Bee's plan had failed. He and Bee stayed at a table in the back to watch.  
"It's not working." Sam could see both dancing, each with a scantily clad girl neither was capable of having any interest in. Bee prodded at the glass Sideswipe had left on the table.  
"It'll work. They never needed the help before, this is just to speed up the process." He took a sip and made a face. "Shit, that's strong." 

"It's vodka, it should be. You've never tried it before?" Bee shook his head no.  
"I've been a human for, what, six months? Drinking wasn't high on the list of things to try."  
Sam snickered at that  
"I know what was on that list."  
"Can you blame me?" Bee smiled guiltily. "you taste good. I got my one-item list done and it didn't even take all seven months."  
"I can't believe it's only been seven months..." Sam mused quietly, getting a brilliant smile in response. Bee's gaze shifted over Sam's shoulder and the smile fell from his lips.  
"Now how's that gonna help?" Sam turned, to see that Sunstreaker had decided to make Sideswipe jealous by kissing a girl like she was sweeter than Sideswipe was to him.  
"I'm sure they'll work it out." He stood, beckoning to Bee, who eagerly jumped up and followed.  
Sam all-but forgot about Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. He had his back against Bee's hard chest, Bee's hands guiding his hips in a hard, fast rhythm. Bee had worked on his holo- he felt real, with the way sweat glistened on his tan skin, and heat radiated from his body, along with other details that Sam really,  _really_ liked. Sam managed to detach his attention long enough to spot Sideswipe pulling Sunstreaker away and kissing him hard. Reassured, he gave his full attention back to Bee, grinding his hips against Bee and earning a hot kiss for his efforts.

Sideswipe either stopped caring about or forgot about their fight, he wasn't sure which. It was far better to lose himself in the burning sweetness, like electricity was sparking inside him. Sunstreaker pressed against him, the roughness in his touch hissing that he had yet to forgive. Both knew by now the way things would in. Within moments, both had vanished and reappeared in the sports car's backseat. It was parked in a far, deserted corner of the carpark in the complete darkness, aided by darkened windows. Sunstreaker pushed Sideswipe down onto the seat.  
"You meant it, didn't you?" he bit at Sideswipe's lower lip, tongue then probing for the sweet electricity he sought, "you always mean it." Sideswipe slid his hands up under Sunstreaker's shirt, fingertips flicking over hot skin.  
"Meant what?" he arched up when Sunstreaker settled in his lap, none-too gently.  
"You hate me that much." He leaned down to work at the buttons on Sideswipe's shirt, red hair spilling over his shoulder.  
"Hate myself more. You know that better than I do." He gasped when Sunstreaker's hands sunk lower, turning his face into Sunstreaker's shoulder and holding back a scream. "Doesn't mean I don't hate you, though"  
"You're a real bastard." Sideswipe let Sunstreaker shove him over roughly. "You'd even kiss a girl to piss me off. Whoring yourself out like that."  
"You do it too." Sideswipe's words faded into hisses of pain and pleasure. Had he been human, he would have been hurting even more, and Sunstreaker made sure he could feel it on every level, surpassing human pain. Despite the pain Sunstreaker delighted in causing him, Sideswipe always let Sunstreaker do whatever he wanted to. It could have been because it was what he wanted too, but Sunstreaker could tell the difference. It wasn't just that, not just that he could easily, so effortlessly control Sideswipe. It was also that Sideswipe had no choice in the matter, like his body was telling him where his loyalty was- not to himself. Sunstreaker delighted in the rapturous moans he heard at his hard movements. Sideswipe groaned curses, back arching at Sunstreaker's touch. Sunstreaker thrusted up into the tight heat, Sideswipe arching to meet the thrusts. The strangled gasps fell to reaction-craving ears, urging Sunstreaker to push him closer, closer to the edge, then miles beyond it. Sunstreaker had to stifle a scream, covering Sideswipe's mouth with his hand to silence his as well.  
It wasn't until he was settled in Sideswipe's lap that he spoke again.  
"Do you wish I'd let him kill you?" Sideswipe was silent and Sunstreaker could feel his still- uneven breaths.  
"I don't want you to have gone through what I did." Sometimes, Sunstreaker hated when Sideswipe showed how in-love he was. It filled Sunstreaker with the guilt he tried to hide from both his lover and himself. He didn't want to hate Sideswipe so much, not when Sideswipe was so loving.  
"I wish I could lie to you." He shivered when Sideswipe kissed the back of his neck.  
"Now why would you want to do that? You can't. Never could." He bit at Sunstreaker's bare shoulder, pearly teeth ravishing the hot skin.  
"I wish I could tell you I didn't hate you. I just.. wish I didn't hate you this much." Having admitted the guilt he hated to have, he fell silent, just hoping Sideswipe wouldn't say anything to make him feel worse. It was exactly the sort of thing Sideswipe would do.  
But not tonight.  
Sideswipe wrapped his arms around Sunstreaker, kissing his neck softly, enveloping him in the strong, comforting touch only he could give.  
"That you can possibly love me despite how much you hate me is amazing and means the world to me." Sunstreaker smuggled back into the warm embrace.  
Yes, sometimes he hated Sideswipe, but he always loved him even more.  
Sam absolutely adored how much Bee loved to be pleasured in any way. He already acted like Sam was wonderfully giving, to allow Bee to be with him. The delightful sounds Bee made when Sam kissed him were always sweeter than the last time.

They'd gone looking for Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, around a corner to an area of empty tables and, when Bee was looking around for them, Sam pushed him into the wall. Bee all-but shrieked with delighted shock, letting Sam hold him there.

"Looks like your plan with them worked" Sam said, "you're brilliant."

"Sure" Bee grinned, failing at modesty, "lovers like that can't be kept apart. They've got this-" he gasped when Sam physically lifted him and pinned him against the wall, hands under Bee's thighs, "magnetic draw" he finished breathlessly, groaning and clenching his hands in Sam's shirt as Sam rocked his hips roughly against Bee, "of fuck, do that again." Sam was more than happy to comply, hoisting Bee up and continuing, to Bee's needy whimpers. He attacked Bee's lips at the same time- he could never get enough of the sweet, electric taste that was purely Bee. One of Bee's hands slipped through Sam's hair, fingers twisting into the curls, as a moan escaped him. Sam shifted his hands up higher on Bee's thighs, earning a hiss of delight from Bee, as he nearly fell from squirming around so much. Sam pressed him against the wall to cease his wiggling, rocking his hips harder against Bee. "Can't even tell you how I love that" Bee moaned, when Sam moved to bite and lick at his neck, "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck-"

"Too much?" Sam had to be worried about a holo's stamina, but Bee merely held on to him tighter.

"Never." He moaned when Sam rocked against him, which only urged Sam to keep on going.

"Told you boys on boys are hot" A girl's whisper made Sam freeze. He glanced over his shoulder after a moment; two girls were standing away, watching them. "Don't mind us" One called out jovially. Sam was speechless, and before him, Bee had turned a dark scarlet.

"Oh, uh, we, um- we have to go." Sam stammered. Bee whimpered when Sam lowered him to the floor. Sam grabbed him by the hand and dragged his still-dazed Bee to the exit. Knowing Bee, he would have been perfectly content to keep right on going, audience be damned, given the amount of exhibitionist in him. It was cute beyond anything, really.

Sam felt sheepish to admit it, but he almost liked leaving the club as much as being there. It was because he was so tired, the inside me the Camaro was so warm, and Bee was so sweet, curled up in his lap. Dancing so long had left him running low no power, so all he wanted to do was stay where he was, tracing his fingertip over Sam's chest. Whenever Bee was smuggled against his chest like this, curled up in his lap, Sam always wondered what it would have been like, what would have been different, had he taken Bee into his arms instead of Mikaela. He was just thankful that it didn't matter anymore, that, at the moment, he was holding Bee. That, if fate could possibly look his way with compassion, he always would be.  
"I can't feel it as well" he murmured, tilting his head back no Sam's shoulder to glance up at him, wistful look in his big amber eyes. He had to have had a parent of Arabic descent, who had given him the almond shape to his eyes. He was blinking sleepily, something Sam recognized as Bee needing to sleep or recharge.

"Can I ask you something?" Sam nodded yes. "Think we could ever be like them? Sideswipe and Sunstreaker?"

"I don't think I could ever fight with you like that." Sam frowned, but Bee shook his head no.

"I mean… I don't know. You really couldn't?" He decided not to finish his actual question. He'd wanted to know if Sam thought they could ever be that loving, mean that much to each other, but he couldn't, just couldn't.

"Never" Sam promised, kissing Bee's forehead. "Now, much as I love you right here, you're also driving, and you don't hate enough power to be a holo too."  
"Now I know what it's like to have a mother" Bee teased, but he raised himself enough to give Sam a sweet kiss, then vanished.  
Sam settled back into the seat, already missing Bee's warm weight on him. He never saw the police car come shooting out of an alleyway.  
He never got the chance to give a warning.


	17. Chapter 17

Sam hit the ground hard, slamming into the concrete. Above him, he heard the angry clash of metal, the ground shaking when someone hit the ground. He blinked through the haze of blackness that was all he could see, just barely able to make out Barricade, pointing a cannon that, seconds later, was obliterated in the orange flash of a retaliating shot. Sam tried to ignore the screaming pain from his arm as he crawled behind a parked car, crouching against the door and hoping he hadn't been seen. Not like he would know if he had been- he could barely see anything, the sidewalk before him being taken over by a spastic covering of black and white. He tried not to give in to the pain in his arm, which competed with other injuries he couldn't focus on, but when he put weight on it to move away from the end of the car, it faltered under him. A quick look through the window showed him people screaming and running, a car being flung aside, a building sagging with windows of now-spider-webbed glass, and then, the harsh smash of metal colliding against metal. How Bee was holding his own was a mystery to Sam, as not five minutes previously, he'd been running on the last dregs of power. But apparently, Bee had found it in him to not only defend himself and Sam, but to send Barricade into a building, bringing both the Bot and the structure to the ground. He wanted to do something, anything, but when his vision started blinking out again, the pain wouldn't allow him to do so much as breathe easily. He pushed away unconsciousness, focusing on the fight, as his Bot was sent to the ground. A choked gasp escaped Sam, the urge to do something, anything, anything at all to help Bee almost impossible to suppress. Interfering would be useless, but damned if everything in him wasn't telling him to help Bee, his own safety be damned..

Ripping Barricade apart had been satisfying, even if Bee would have preferred to see every one of the Decepticons meet the same fate. He could settle for one, though, as Barricade was now scattered in the street within ten minutes of his appearance. Bee shifted back into his car form and checked one last time, bumper nosing at the twisted metal that had housed the Decepticon's poisoned spark- even though the fifty-odd pieces he was in made it unlikely he would ever be back- and was convinced Barricade was finally, irrevocably, dead.

Immediately, Bee's thoughts went to Sam, who was- Bee didn't see him anywhere. Fear started coursing through him, and he used the last of his power to send a desperate message to Ratchet, and reappear as a holo to find Sam. A few minutes of searching finally gave him what he was looking for. His human looked almost worse off than Barricade was, but he still managed a wan smile for Bee.

"Guess you took care of him?" Sam could see that, as Bee had done all he could, he was seconds from falling to pieces. Bee dropped to his knees before Sam, hands scrambling to find a pulse, check his arm for a break in the bone. The last thing Sam saw was the worried, devastated look on Bee's face, his desperate whisper following Sam through the blackness he fell into, "I'm so sorry, Sam..."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ratchet had said- over a hundred times, and a later check of voice files would confirm the number to be a hundred and eight- that Sam was going to be fine. Despite the reassurance, Bee couldn't believe him. Not until he saw Sam for himself, but he couldn't even do that. Ratchet had ordered no visitors until Sam woke up. And even if he was allowed in, Bee doubted Sam would want to see him. Not after Bee had failed him. He slid down in his chair, not looking at the door down the hall.

"We can see him?! Oh, finally!" Bee looked up to see Sam's parents entering the hallway after Ratchet. "I'm so glad he's okay!" Judy was nearly hysterical with relief. Bee remained unnoticed as they passed by, Ratchet stopping by him as they continued to Sam's room.

"He's doing much better now." The concern on his face wasn't for Sam alone. "Minor concussion, a few lacerations, sprained wrist, but nothing too serious. What exactly happened?" Bee bit his lip. He couldn't find the words to describe just how miserably he'd failed, so he opted for the factual description.

"Decepticon attack." HE couldn't manage more of an explanation. Ratchet nodded.

"I'll inform the others." Bee was grateful for the offer- he hadn't been able to so much as look at Optimus since finding out about what he'd done to Sunstreaker. "You can see Sam as soon as his parents leave the room. He'll need to get rest eventually, but I'm sure he wants to see you." Bee nodded mutely. There was no chance Sam would want to see him, but he still wanted to apologize.

Half an hour later, Sam's parents emerged from the room, talking quietly. Bee stood to slip past them, but when Judy saw him, her face lit up.

"Oh, thank goodness you're here" She flung her arms around him tightly. "You mean the world to Sam!" Bee didn't have the heart to correct her, "I am so happy you're here-"

"Mrs. Witwicky..." Bee tried to get a word in edgewise, but she wasn't listening.

"Judy, let go of the poor boy." Ron tugged at her arm, "Judy, you don't even know him!"

"It's  _okay,_ Ron" She huffed at him, holding Bee tighter, "Don't you know your own Son's boyfriend?" Ron's eyes bugged out. Bee held his breath, waiting for yet another painful twist in their relationship. So far, they had the bases covered- no possibility for love, no way to stay together, someone was going to outlive the other and be in complete misery, and now he feared they would be sliding into home base with the final twist, non-accepting parent.

"I didn't know he had one! Or wanted one!" Ron's mouth was hanging open, and Judy swatted him on the shoulder.

"Well, you should be more observant." She finally did release Bee, to glower properly at her husband. "You didn't find it the least bit odd that he never loved his girlfriend? Honestly, Ron, sometimes I think you're  _blind._ I'm getting you glasses for Christmas!" Ron did his best to regain his composure, then looked at Bee. Bee just crossed his fingers behind his back and waited.

"Okay. I don't think we've met." Bee was stunned at the hopeful outlook, "what's your name?" He'd forgotten about the double play- boyfriend was actually car. In the game where passing bases was the worst thing that could happen, they were going to lose. Bee hesitated.

"Bumblebee."

Triple play, Bee thought sorrowfully, as he imagined them passing the bases again, weird cross-species angle.

"He's dating- not to be rude- his car?!" He looked so bewildered that Bee added,

"I was human. Before." It didn't sound quite truthful to him, so he added, "A while ago."

"I... I see." Ron blinked, still open-mouthed, "So, uh..."

"You're overreacting" Judy admonished. Ron cleared his throat.

"Judy, I am of the full belief that my son can date... um... whoever he wants." He looked squarely at Bee, "please tell me you care about him more than his girlfriend did."

"She was such a little flirt" Judy shook her head, frowning, "Gosh, I felt so bad for Sam. She was a pretty girl, but not faithful." Then she peered at Bee, "You are better than her, right?" Bee couldn't quite wrap his thoughts around that abstract question, but he nodded.

"Sam means everything to me." He answered quietly, and this seemed to satisfy Sam's parents.

Once they'd left, Bee forced himself to go up to the door of Sam's room. He still stood there for five minutes, just staring down at the floor and imagining just how unforgiving Sam was going to be. Bee was certain that he didn't deserve forgiveness, not in the slightest- he hadn't seen Barricade coming, he'd let Sam get hurt- and Sam hadn't even been near a Decepticon, it was absolutely terrible that he was still injured. Bee didn't want to think about it, so he just pushed open the door and braced himself for the icy hatred he knew he deserved.

Sam heard the door open and close quietly, looked over to see Bee leaning against it, staring down at the floor. He couldn't quite figure out why Bee looked like the world had ended.

"What's wrong?" The purely shocked look he received only increased his confusion. Bee inched closer, eyes downcast. "Bee..." He held out his arms, and Bee shuffled over until he was close enough for Sam to pull him onto his lap on the bed. "Would you please tell me what's wrong?" Bee almost didn't want the sympathy, it only made the pain worse.

"It's all my fault." He avoided looking at Sam, but the misery was still obvious. "I'm so sorry..."

"Bee. It was not your fault. Don't go suicidal on me here, okay?" Bee merely shrugged, his silence telling Sam everything Bee himself wouldn't. He blamed himself, and the only thing he wanted was Sam's forgiveness, which he didn't seem to think he should get. "Honest. It's not. How were you supposed to know what it was?"

"Should have." Bee sighed, turning his face into Sam's neck. "I'm so sorry. I've... I've failed you. I shouldn't be your guardian anymore. You should have someone who can actually protect you, and-" his voice was so quiet, the words were fading in and out, leaving Sam with only the snatches of misery, the words he did hear muffled by his shirt, "-can't- else- failed- unreliable- failure- died- danger- died- guardian-someone else"

"Woah." Sam put two fingers under Bee's chin, tilting up so Bee would look at him. "I'm not just up and switching guardians because one little thing happened." He wound his arms around Bee, relieved to feel the tension leave Bee. The words  _I love you_ nearly fell from his lips, but he didn't want wreck what they were finally starting to piece together.

"I'm still sorry." Bee laid a soft kiss to Sam's neck. "I should have been more attentive." Sam just hugged his overprotective Bot, every bit of his apology in his silence. "You should really get some sleep. Ratchet said so."

"Only if you stay here." Sam released Bee, slipping back under the sheets and pulling his pillow towards him, trying to hide the fact that he was truly exhausted. Bee looked at him, curiosity on his face. "Of course I want you to stay. If you want to." Bee forwent any response, just slid down next to him, kissing Sam softly. Sam closed his eyes, feeling Bee slip an arm around him. He never could sleep as well as he did when Bee was next to him. It wasn't surprising; Sam had come to accept the fact that while he once only wanted Bee, the want had deepened into a need. Despite how obvious this was to Sam, Bee never seemed able to grasp how Sam's life simply couldn't go on without him. Sam snuggled closer into the warmth of Bee's embrace, as Bee slipped a warm hand up the back of his shirt, making Sam move even closer, needing the touch. "When will you understand how much you mean to me?" he asked quietly. Bee was silent. "I just... don't get why you won't believe me. Do you think I... I'm lying, or something? That I don't care about this, or you? Because... honestly-" the words danced on the edge, waiting, begging, to be spoken, but he wouldn't. Already, he felt he was going too far, too serious, too deep, but some things had to be said, even if others couldn't be, " nothing means more to me than you. Why won't you believe me?" Again, he had the sense that Bee was keeping something from him, with the pure intent of protecting him.

"I don't want to." Bee mumbled, like it was something he'd never wanted to admit, "I don't want to mean that much to you, because you'll get hurt."

It was without a doubt the sweetest, most selfless thing Sam had heard in his life, but it still worried him.

Just as Bee wanted to protect him, Sam hoped he could somehow save Bee from the pain that seemed to be looming ahead, waiting for him. The idea of Bee, years after Sam himself had gone, alone and hurt, scared Sam.

The only thing he had left to hold onto was the fact that Bee didn't love him, and it was the only thing he had to save him from absolute, utter despair.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Capt. Lennox had always held his team in high regard. He didn't think any of them were even remotely likely to back down at the sign of resistance, which was one of the reasons he was so proud of them. Every man had been hand-picked and fiercely trained until he was a perfect example of a dedicated, strong soldier. He never thought that his high-esteemed opinion of any of the soldiers would ever come under careful scrutiny. He had no reason to doubt, above all, their toughness.

And yet, one of his men was huddled under the Christmas tree in the corner of the lounge room, practically shaking with fear.

Lennox heaved a sigh. All he'd wanted was a cup of coffee during the mid-morning break. He didn't deserve to walk in on a mental breakdown. Nonetheless, he dropped to his knees to look under the Christmas tree.

"Tanner," he tried to keep his voice patient and not exasperated, "what the hell are you doing under there?" Tanner flinched at his voice, but relaxed when he saw it was only Lennox.

"Oh, hey, Captain" he attempted a salute, but the motion only made pine needles rain down on him.

"What are you doing, Tanner?"

"Oh, I, uh-" He started to stammer, but then the door opened. Lennox stood, rolling his eyes and deciding that he'd rather not know what was going on. "Hi, Sideswipe."

"Hey, captain. You seen that blonde jerk around? Tanner?"

"Uh... why?" He glanced down, saw Tanner's eyes widen, and his mouth move in a silent plea for Lennox to _say nothing._

"Need to kill him, that's all." He said it so casually, Lennox almost didn't catch the menace there.

"That's ni-what? What'd he do?"

"That idiot of yours made the same mistake twice." Sideswipe walked over to check the adjoining cafe for Tanner, leaning around that doorway, "he hit on Sunstreaker, and I  _really_ didn't appreciate that."

"Oh, did he?" Tanner saw Lennox's grin, and knew what was coming, "well, I might have seen him. You know, for the right price."

"Yeah?" Sideswipe had an interested look on his face.

"Like... an available ride home whenever Ironhide's busy. Life's tough when your car has a schedule that doesn't involve you." Sideswipe nodded. Tanner wished Lennox didn't love his family so much that he'd trade a teammates' life for more family time. He silently cursed the man for loving his daughter and wife- sure, his daughter was cute as a button and his wife was kind- but Tanner would have rather he lived.

"Deal. Where is he?" Lennox pointed. Tanner started praying.

Within ten seconds, he'd been jerked out from his hiding place and slammed against a wall. Lennox just strolled over to flop down on the couch to watch. Tanner swallowed and looked up into Sideswipe's furious eyes.

"Uh...... hi."

"You're dead" Sideswipe snarled .Tanner's knees buckled slightly.

"I'm sorry" he squeaked, but Sideswipe wasn't nearly satisfied.

"What  _exactly_ made you think trying to steal  _my_ lover  _again_ was at  _all_ permissible?"

"I thought you'd broken up" Tanner's voice shook, "Honest. I thought you had!" He'd heard screaming in the morning, and the sort of words that usually had the taste of an ending to them, so he'd sought out Sunstreaker later, and tried again. It hadn't worked. Not only had Sunstreaker informed him, in so many words, that he had zero chance with the Bot and was more likely to be ripped to shreds by either Sunstreaker himself or Sideswipe than to get with him. Tanner had hoped Sideswipe wouldn't find out, but, apparently, he wasn't so lucky.

Damn Sunstreaker for being so inhumanly gorgeous.

"Come on, Tanner" Lennox laughed from the couch, "they've e been together for over five centuries, you think they're gonna break up just like that?"

"Exactly" Sideswipe growled, and Tanner nearly squeaked from fear again, "I love him more than you could ever understand. And, seeing as you don't seem to  _understand_ this yet,  _he's mine._ I believe he even told you that himself?"

"Well, yeah, but, uh, um..." He was starting to truly wish he didn't have such a weakness for great smiles and long hair. It was looking like that was going to be the death of him.

"Never. Again." He punctuated each word with a jerk of Tanner's shirt. "Just keep your damn hands off him, okay?"

It was amusing, really, to think that, not six months ago, Tanner had been thinking about pursing the Bot in front of him. Brunettes were another weakness.

"Okay" He whispered, cringing, "Okay, okay, okay. I swear I'll never, ever, ever do it again! Never! I'll never even go near him again!"

Sideswipe sighed, releasing him.

"It's no fun when the prey is so fucking pathetic."

"Prey?" Tanner gasped. Sideswipe grinned predatorily. Tanner trembled. "Honestly, I'll never, ever, ever, ever go near him again. I swear it."

"You'd better be telling the truth."

"Honest! Won't even talk to him! Or you! Oh, thank God I never hit on you like I wanted t-" He clapped a hand over his mouth, blue eyes wide over it. Sideswipe had a stricken look on his face. Tanner started to edge away, but Sideswipe caught him and pushed him back against the wall.

"Say that again?" He growled. Lennox was laughing, but Tanner barely heard it. All he could hear was his own pulse screaming in his ears as his heart, in its newfound place in his throat, threatened to give out entirely from the stress.

"I, uh, back when I first got here, sort of think- I mean, thought, I  _thought-_ that you are-  _were,_ that you _were-_ uh…" He drew in a breath, "hot?" Sideswipe glared.

Tanner crossed his fingers and hoped like hell he'd live to see tomorrow.

"You are  _so_ lucky you never went through with that." Sideswipe snapped, and Tanner sensed that the impending death threat was almost gone.

"Why not?" The threat jumped back at his throat as Sideswipe's anger increased.

"Because a wimpy little human like you has no business going after a Bot, that's why. Especially not a  _taken_ one"

"You weren't taken back then" Another mistake. Tanner prayed more fervently in his head.

"I've been taken since before your miserable existence began. And I deeply regret that I attract something like you."

If it was at all possible, Lennox was going to have his cause of death be recorded as "laughter".

Sideswipe released Tanner, taking a step back. Tanner drew in a relieved breath.

"Man, did I mess with the wrong hotties." His words made Sideswipe's glare snap back to him, and Tanner decided to quit testing his luck and took off running. Lennox just sighed.

"You have to torture my men?"

"He started it."

"He thought you were-" Lennox snickered, " _hot."_

"Fuck him." Sideswipe swatted at Lennox's head as he passed by, "I'm going to try and forget he exists."

"Sunstreaker's in engineering." Lennox called out helpfully, receiving a punch in the shoulder for his efforts.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam had only been out of the hospital for a day, but it still seemed like he'd missed a lot. He was sitting on a metal box, watching Sideswipe work on the Decepticon detection machine. The only reason Bee wasn't around was because Sam had forced him to go get some sleep, or to recharge, because worry wouldn't let him sleep when Sam was around. Bee had grudgingly let Sam go with Sunstreaker, and trudged off to get sleep.

"He did it  _again?"_ Sam stared up at Sunstreaker, as the Bot worked on some connection in the wires.

"That kid never seems to learn his lesson. Guess he heard us fighting, and thought that meant I was single" He laughed at that, "clearly, he doesn't know much." He reached for a welding torch, focusing on the connection, "Sideswipe hunted him down a while ago. Most jealous Bot in the world. I love it."

Footsteps alerted Sam to the approach of another Bot, and when he saw it was Optimus, he couldn't deny the anxiety that followed.

"It's good to see you out of the med centre, Sam." Optimus said, after greeting Sunstreaker. "May I have a word with you?" Sam nodded, climbing onto the offered hand. Sunstreaker made some weak excuse about needing a tool in another room, and slipped out.

"I assume by now you have an opinion on what happened between myself and Sunstreaker." Optimus said, voice steady. Sam wondered if appearing as a Bot and not a holo was meant to intimidate him, because it was working.

"I, uh... yeah."

"I would like you to know that it was one of the gravest mistakes I have made in my life." Sam breathed a little easier at that. He looked up at Optimus's optics, wondering why he was being told this. "I had no idea they were so serious. From this side, it looked like they had nothing more than frivolous and that they were just a hindrance." He studied Sam carefully. "Although there was a reason they do not know of yet." Sam's heart sped up again.

"What is it?"

"Their actions led me to believe that one or the other was working against us. They would always be sneaking around; I worried that one was seducing hte other into giving up information." The stony quality told of his regret at the assumption. "I didn't know who to trust, as both had come so recently to the team. I didn't want to risk the lives of the other Bots, too, by letting a possible spy live among us. For all I knew, both could have been working against us." Sam couldn't come up with a reply, open-mouthed. "I wanted to protect my comrades. I did not mean to hurt other friends in the process."

Every assumption Sam had found shifted, fell away, shattered, leaving him regretting, apologetic, and completely recomposed. Everything they'd been hiding needn't have been hidden, every worry needn't have been fretted over, every bitter tear needn't have been shed.

"The reason I tell you this," Optimus said, when Sam proved incapable of speaking, "is because I know about you and Bumblebee. I knew before you did. I knew he was attracted to you since the day I introduced you to the team."

Bumblebee was going to be so - what? Sam thought, trying to figure it out. Bee was going to hate that they'd been so wrong, hate that he'd been so obvious, and Sam wished he knew how his Bot would react.

"You-" Sam gaped up at him, knees buckling so he slid down to sit in the palm of Optimus's hand, "You know? How did you know?!"

"What kind of leader would I be, if I didn't know what was going on with my comrades? I made the mistake of being in the dark once. I have not let it happen again." He fixed Sam with a steady look, bright blue optics unflickering, "I am aware of everything, so as to avoid more mistakes like the one with Sunstreaker and Sideswipe."

"Oh" Sam managed weakly. "Well, uh... I... um..." he cleared his throat, looking down, "we probably should have told you."

"It is understandable that you didn't" Optimus's voice was gentle, and Sam was grateful for that, "although I hope you have both considered the... long-term effects."

Long-term effects. It sounded like an illness, a disease, a slow, inevitable destruction, a scarring disaster.

"Not exactly." Sam hung his head, unable to look Optimus in the eye. "I don't know about him, but I didn't think of it. I know I should have- the last thing I want to do is hurt Bee- but... I just didn't think of that..." Just like everyone else, Optimus had no answer for him, no solution.

Sam was starting to realize that trend was because there truly  _was_ no way to save what was breaking.

"Sam, if I had any power to," Optimus said slowly, "I would do anything to keep you two together for as long as you deserve to be." He couldn't, no one could, and Sam wasn't sure he even wanted Bee to know that he wished they could stay together for that long.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam tried to be quiet when he entered his apartment, but it was no use. He swore Bee had cheated and had some sort of sensors on, somehow, because the instant he stepped into the apartment, Bee woke up.

"Three hours worth is barely enough sleep, you know." Sam crossed the room to sit on the edge of his bed, where he'd left Bee exactly three hours ago. Bee, having confirmed that Sam was alive and well, burrowed back under the blankets.

"I'm fine." he even sounded exhausted. Sam sighed, rubbing Bee's back through the sheets.

"No, you're not." He couldn't remember ever caring about someone this much, ever needing someone so much. And he couldn't stand how every moment was hurting him because it wasn't the same on the other side. He'd considered telling Bee, straight-out, that they weren't serious. Maybe then he wouldn't hurt so much. Of course, he knew he'd never have the guts to lie that blatantly.

"I'm more worried about you than me."

Sam almost told him, almost. But something told him that, if he did, everything would change. If he told Bee they had nothing to worry about, that they could stay together for as long as they wanted, he feared Bee would back away from the commitment. Surely he didn't want something so long-lasting and so utterly  _real._ One of their last obstacles had vanished, but Sam was starting to wonder if none of them had really mattered, because what he and Bee had going wasn't going to last long anyways.

The warm body under his hand responded to his touch, Bee arching closer to him, but Sam's thoughts were elsewhere.

He didn't want to find out if Bee had been using the obstacles as excuses, that he would eventually use one of them as the reason to break up with Sam. There were nearly none left now- Sam didn't want Bee to break up with him for the real reason. It would destroy him.

Sam wished he didn't love Bee.

Maybe then, when it eventually, inevitably came, the end wouldn't hurt so much.


	18. Chapter 18

It was Ironhide who'd locked the door. However, it was Sideswipe who had pushed the twins inside, and Sunstreaker who had told him the Twins had taken the tool that was actually hidden, courtesy of Bumblebee, in a metal box in engineering. So, yes, It was Bumblebee who had taken the tool, but Ironhide had told him to do it. Then again, it was Sam who had gotten the Twins to weld Sideswipe to the inside wall of the building during the theft, and the Twins who had conveniently left him there for six hours, but it was Bumblebee who had distracted them by sending Sunstreaker after them by telling him they'd spilled the paint on purpose. And, admittedly, it was Sam who had told Bumblebee to do that, but only because Ironhide had given him the idea, and that was because Sunstreaker had broken his favorite welding torch, although it was Sam and Bee who had scared him into dropping it.

All in all, Optimus didn't know who to blame for the destroyed hanger door, hole in the engineering building wall, and smoking crater in the street.

May as well blame the entire disaster brigade, he'd decided, so he'd ordered them all out to the runway and started giving a lecture to the sorry-looking bunch on the importance of appearing  _mature,_ because, for heaven's sakes, they were supposed to be  _dignified._ Which meant, he said, in no uncertain terms, that acting like fools was absolutely  _not_ permissible.

"Think he's mad, or just annoyed?" Ironhide asked Sideswipe, who shrugged.

"Both?" He was still sulking about the blackened spots on his paintjob, the results of being welded to a wall. "I swear I'm going to murder the Twins."

"You can't." Sunstreaker leaned around them to make sure Optimus was still at the other end of the line, telling the Twins that they were not to weld Bots to  _any_ thing  _ever_ again. "I'm going to."

"Fight you for 'em." Ironhide added, and Sunstraeker shook his head.

"You'd lose."

"Can I get Bee, then?" Sunstreaker turned to shook a look at Bee, who held up the hand that wasn't carrying Sam.

"Sam told me to distract them with you."

"Thanks a lot" Sam grumbled, frowning up at the Bot. "Ironhide came up with the idea first."

"Oh,  _did_ you?" Sideswipe held up a fist, and Ironhide stepped back.

"Not... in so many words."

"Liar."

"Sometimes. But not right now, really!"

"You sell me out one more time," Sam said menacingly, glaring at Bee, "and I'm cutting you off."

"From?" Bee snickered. Sam just shot him an evil grin and pointed to himself.

" _This."_

 _"_ Saaaaaaam" Bee whined, blue optics flickering down to him, "That's not  _faiiirrr"_

"Neither is selling out your own boyfriend!"

"What's wrong with that?" Sunstreaker cut in, "I do it all the time."

"Yeah" Sideswipe huffed, "Cuz you're a bastard."

"No worse than you, Swipe." His tone was sweet, even if the words were poisonous. Sideswipe just sighed, used to it.

"I might stab you in your sleep tonight, better watch out."

"You couldn't do it"

"Don't tempt me, then."

"You can't kill him" Ironhide interjected, "I want to!"

"What did I do to you?" Sunstreaker protested, but Ironhide growled.

"I seem to remember an incident with a  _welding torch,_ involving you and a whole lot of smoke."

"It wasn't my fault!"

Sometimes, Optimus thought it would be easier to direct a group of Bots who didn't know each other so well. As it were, he had to deal with Bots who knew each other's pet peeves, weaknesses, and what made them tick. And explode, they definitely had that down. What was more, he now had two relationships to deal with, because a certain pair of lovers liked torturing each other, and another pair had a way of teaming up against everyone else that was unbeatably clever. Optimus wondered vaguely if he could get a new batch of Bots, hopefully a group who couldn't communicate with each other enough to figure out ways to get in so much _trouble._

Because nearly all the Bots were being lectured, there was no one there to notice when the Decepticon detection monitors started spinning out of control, displays lighting up and alarms flashing. It wasn't until they dispersed- Ironhide heading over to engineering, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker disappearing into their own building, the Twins going to bug Ratchet at the medbay, Sam and Bee going back to Sam's apartment, Optimus going to inspect the new crater in the street- that someone noticed, but by that time, it was far too late.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam knew Bee must have been ready to kill him, but he still paused in his actions and looked towards the window. Beneath him, Bee was squirming again.

"You stop one more time.." he growled threateningly. Sam placated him with absent-minded touches, gaze still on the window.

"You really didn't hear that?"

"No" Bee grumbled, "And I didn't hear 'that' the last  _seven times,_ either. I swear, you've never been quite _this_ mean before." Sam couldn't help a grin at that. Bee didn't appreciate being driven just to the edge seven times in a row, and having every single time stopped right when he didn't want it to be, just because Sam could have sworn he'd heard something outside. There was also the off chance that he was impatient, too, because Sam still had yet to get Bee's jeans off. Obviously, all the waiting was starting to wear on Bee's nerves.

"Sorry." Sam could have sworn, though, that he'd heard that weird, disjointed screeching that meant a Decepticon was hacking into something. It was about the only thing that could distract him from a hot, shirtless, waiting Bumblebee, and he just kept  _hearing_ it.

"You're hallucinating." Bee said helpfully, and Sam swatted at his shoulder.

"I swear I heard something. Aren't you a little bit worried?"

"Worried? Fuck, no. I'm  _dying,_ but other than that, no, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. How about you?" God, but he was cute when he was pissed off. Sam grinned.

"Wanting you."

"Then get on with it." Bee nudged up with his hips, "please." Sam resumed what he'd been doing, settling back down on Bee, but not two minutes later, he stopped again.

"Tell me you heard it that time." Bee's only response was to burst forth with some truly inspiring profanity, indicating that he was most definitely  _not_ pleased with the fact that Sam wasn't letting him . "Maybe you're right and I am crazy..."

"Yes" Bee said emphatically, "you are. Are you're bringing me into it with you here. Sam? Please? Can't take it."

Sam bent to press his lips to Bee's again, and that was when the building across the street exploded.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I didn't hear anything."

"I heard something"

"Yeah, but I didn't."

"You've got headphones in."

"I can still hear you, can't I?"

"Whatever, but I swear to God I heard something!" Lennox snapped a last retort at Epps before jumping up from the diagram-covered table and running to the window. Epps pulled out his earphones and joined him, not one to take Lennox's anxiety lightly.

"I don't see nuthin'." He grumbled, pressing his face to the window to see better. Lennox was tugging on his sleeve, gasping without words. "Quit that."

"Other way" Lennox pointed, and Epps's eyes grew wide.

"Shit." Lennox was already gone, sprinting out of the building. Epps took the cue and ran to catch up. Sure, explosions happened all the time in this city- only that morning, a Bot had blown a crater into the street with a cannon- but he'd never, ever seen that much smoke, or seen so many buildings crumbling down, lost in a blaze of flames and smoke. That was no accident.

"How come no one knew they were coming?" He yelled down the hallway, as Lennox hit the stairwell and started jumping down the stairs.

"No one was in the control room!" This was followed by a string of muttered curses about the "one time no one was there" and a few choice opinions about "Murphy's (explicative) Law."

At street level, military personnel were already in action, running towards the explosions; Epps never failed to note that only the people around here would run  _to_ a disaster and not  _away,_ but that was how things were.

"Think anyone's in those buildings?" he yelled up to Lennox, finally catching up to the other man. Lennox spared him half a look. "Man, there's people in there?!"

"That's why those buildings went down first!"

Lennox was right. It was one of the times he'd wished fervently he wasn't, but he was exactly right. Sam had about had a heart attack when the building had shook, as something gave way floors below, but that was nothing of a shock compared to the realization that the smoke he saw outside was coming from the building they wren currently  _in,_ coupled with the fact that the window not two yards from the bed was destroyed by the tail end of an ion shot _._ Before either Sam or Bee could react at all to the series of disasters that had occurred in less than two seconds, Sam heard Bot footsteps, and was more grateful than he'd been in his life to see Optimus appear in the street. He looked in through the hole where the window had been.

"There are four Decepticons, if they never get a shot at Sam, they cannot win. Bumblebee, keep him safe. And far away." And then he was gone, intercepting Soundwave before he could get closer to the building.

"Four..." Bumblebee was hissing, scrambling up and yanking Sam away, "I didn't even notice.. you did." The fact that he'd been so caught up seemed to deeply displease him, but he pulled Sam out of the room at the same breakneck speed.

"Doesn't matter, stop thinking about it" Sam yelped when his hand hit the doorframe. "Don't get me killed before they do!" The reason for Bee's urgency was explained when the building shifted, leaning, shaking. Bee pulled Sam into the hallway, never releasing his hold on Sam's hand as they headed for the stairwell.

"Wait-" Bee's voice was strangely thoughtful as he and Sam nearly fell down the stairs in their haste.

"There's smoke from up there." Sam almost tripped over his foot as he looked up to see smoke filling the stairwell from above, but Bee didn't look.

"Then run faster." Bee's hold on his hand tightened. "How come Optimus didn't flip out?"  
"About the Decepticons?" Sam wished they weren't trying to have a conversation while sprinting downstairs, he was sure he was going to break a leg. Already exhaustion was creeping up on him, aided by the fact that his heart was already hammering from the fact that smoke was curling down the staircase after them, and they were only on the fifth floor.

"No" Bee shot a look at him and Sam paled even more. Bee was referring to the fact that Optimus had basically found them in bed together, and hadn't so much as blinked. "That."

"Oh, uh, um-" Sam stammered and stumbled, looking at Bee. "You see...I, uh..." He nearly shrieked when Bee suddenly yanked him backwards.

"Look where you're going." Bee pulled him back towards the last door, the one that led to the fourth floor, because where the next set of stairs had been, there was a gaping hole, through which smoke was seeping through. Sam stared until Bee dragged him through the door, onto the fourth floor. The occupants had already evacuated the floor, obvious from the open doors they passed, and inside, Sam saw flashed of rooms people had left abandoned; irons were left unattended, televisions on, dinner tables set up, computer screens bright, all left as they were when people had dropped when they were doing and fled at the sound of the first explosion. "Have something you want to tell me?" Bee asked; Sam gasped for breath, wishing he wasn't having to explain this now, of all times. Bee jerked to a stop to look into one of the apartments, then the next, not explaining what he was looking for.

"Well, um... Optimus said... he only deactivated Sunstreaker because he thought one of them was a spy."

"That's not what you didn't tell me." Bee leaned through the doorway, then deemed it not what he was looking for, muttering something about never-been-opened windows and painted-over frames.

"He knows." Sam blurted out, as Bee jerked him around a corner. "He's known about us before I did, he said. He said he always knew you, uh, had a thing for me. And that we're together." Bee's jaw clenched, but he said nothing, pulling Sam into an apartment and releasing his hand so he could work on pushing up the window at the end of the room.

"And you didn't tell me." He hissed, scowling down at the window that was jammed shut. "You decided not to tell me  _that,_ when I've been fucking freaking out because I thought he was going to do the same thing to us?"

"I didn't... didn't think." Sam decided not to say he didn't want Bee to break up with him without being able to use that as a reason. Bee had managed to wiggle the window free and shove it up, to reveal a fire escape outside. Sam looked out and wished he hadn't; the street was ablaze with the roar of artillery and the destruction of buildings, people running and Bots shooting, and Decepticons firing back. To think that Bee planned to take him down there wasn't a pleasant thought to entertain but Bee was already nudging him towards the window- none too gently- and waiting for Sam to get onto the fire escape. Sam scrambled through, and Bee climbed out after him, grabbing his wrist and pulling him down the rickety metal steps. Sam didn't look down, didn't want to see the street though the holes in the stairs' metal design.

"No fucking kidding, you didn't think" Sam could understand where Bee was coming from, but couldn't figure out why he was that angry, if he was just going to use it as a convenient obstacle and reason to break up. He stumbled down after Bee, rounding a too-small corner, down more too-steep stairs, as something crumbled from the building above them. "He knew the entire time" Bee sounded as bitter as Sam had felt, hearing the news for the first time. "He didn't say anything and now you didn't say anything." Around another corner, Sam swore he was going to fall over the side, given their frantic speed. "So, is there anything else? Anything else you're not telling me?" SO that was his game, Sam thought angrily. He'd kept secrets too, and was ticked that Sam had kept one- just  _one-_ from him. hell with understanding, he decided sourly, if Bee wanted that game, he could play too.

"Anything else?!" Sam wished he could calm down, but, dammit, he was sick and tired of all the secrets. "Yeah, there is something else you need to know!  _You_ need to know that I want to fucking know if there's anything else that makes our relationship doomed! Because if there is, I'd really, really appreciate knowing it!" He missed a step and hit the next one hard, being dragged forwards anyways as they reached the final landing and half-fell down the last ladder to hit the street, too-hard and too-suddenly. The screeching sound filled the air again, and Bee stopped suddenly.

"They're hacking the wireless locator" the look of shock on his face told Sam what he didn't understand; that was bad, very bad, he was able to discern.

"And what the fuck does that mean?"

"IT  _means,_ they're using it to track me, to find you" Bee looked up the street, spotted something that made him start to drag Sam towards it.

"And you're not gonna explain what you want to do?"

"I'm going to send you that way ,and then I'll go the other way." Bee explained shortly. Sam stared.

"I'm not letting you do that!"

" _Yes,_ you  _are."_

"Anything else you want to clue me in on?" Sam shot at him angrily, and Bee growled.

"Yeah, there's one more thing" Bee snapped back, more hurt than mad, but it really didn't sound that way, "There's one more fucking thing that's going to screw us over for good, Sam." Sam had never seen him so angry, never, could only watch him as Bee led them around falling debris, abandoned cars, running people, in the haze of smoke and the blasts that lit up the smoke, "I  _love_  you, okay?"  
The world had ended, but Bee kept yelling at Sam.

"That's it, Sam. That's it. I absolutely fucking love you, and that's the one last thing, and because of it, more awful stuff's gonna happen. Nothing else will turn out alright because of that, and I'm sorry, but there's not a fucking thing I can do about it, and I never could. Now we're fucking doomed, and I swear to you I'm sorry, but I can't help anything! Now would you  _please_ just shut up and do what I say, so I can do at least _one_ thing right?"

Everything hit Sam at once, made him go numb, made him choke and forget to breathe, all as Bee continued to drag him in the direction he'd decided on. Sam could only stare at him, as Bee rubbed a hand at his eyes, pushing away tears he wouldn't admit to, as he kept on forcing Sam to safety, his words still reverberating in Sam's mind.

Through everything that had happened, Sam had always been thankful that Bee didn't love him. Everything had been tolerable only because the Bot Sam loved- Bot, human, Sam didn't even care anymore, he just thought  _bee_ and it didn't matter how he was, because he was just that purely Bumblebee existence- wasn't in pain. But he had been. He'd been in that unspeakable, insupportable agony the entire time, because he'd been in love when Sam had thanked the heavens he wasn't.

Bee came to a sudden halt, and Sam ran straight into him. Their destination, he saw, was where Sideswipe was, car form, about to go after a nearing Decepticon. He sped over when Bee yelled for him, Sam still too stunned to speak.

"Do something for me?" Bee panted, and an engine rumbling sounded like a confirmation. "Take Sam, and go that way. Really far. They're tracking me to get to him. You have to get him away from me." The corvette door opened and the engine revved; hurry up, he was urging, as the Decepticon footsteps neared. Bee nearly shoved Sam towards the waiting passenger seat, turning to go.

"Bumblebee-" Sam choked out, but Bee was already gone, already thrown himself back into the hellish chaos so Sam could live. The corvette engine gunned and the car sped away, speedometer needle pointing vaguely to somewhere past the last number as they darted around obstacles, taking the most direct path to the undefined  _away._ Sam slumped down in the passenger seat, hands over his face as tears burned in his eyes. "I can't believe he loves me." The cocoon-like silence inside the corvette was broken by Sideswipe's voice.

"He's always loved you."

It was like the outside was in another dimension, noises barely penetrating the silence inside the car, and Sam wished Bee wasn't out there, that he wasn't without Bee.

"I wish he didn't" the sobs that shook his frame burned inside him, the burning, twisting regret nearly drowning him alive. "It's killing him."

Sideswipe chose that moment to show Sam he was more than capable of comfort, which only made Sam feel worse.

"You've kept him alive all this time. He couldn't live without you, he needs you to love him."

Everything was going wrong at once, and it threatened to overtake Sam, like crashing waves falling on him all at once, forcing him under, holding him there, never letting him up, as he realized that Bee had always been in pain and always would be, that Sam might never see him again, that Bee was right, he'd always been right, they were doomed for pain, marked by fate for the worst sort of pain there was.

The world had drawn to a close, Sam on one side and Bee on the other, no knowledge of love to hold them together, nothing connecting them to bring them through the fiery chaos, and Sam wished, more than anything, that he hadn't been so wrong.

"Bee doesn't know I love him."


	19. Chapter 19

Smoke continued to billow from somewhere behind the city skyline, set against the dusky night sky. Sam drew his knees closer to his chest, face in his hands. The hillside was completely still, no sign of anyone approaching. No one at all. Sam didn't move when he heard footsteps; he knew what he was listening for, that wasn't the right stride. He felt someone climb up to sit next to him on the hood.

"Hate to break it to you," Sideswipe said, leaning back against the corvette windshield, "but if you scratch this paint, you're in trouble." Sam cut a glance at the Bot holo next to him.

"You're just a fountain of sympathy, you know that?" He retracted his bitter tone when he noticed the anxiety on Sideswipe's face. "Sorry. Worried about Sunstreaker?"

"Well, obviously." Sideswipe looked towards the ominous skyline. "I don't always hate him, surprising as that may seem." Sam was relieved to be talking about something else, didn't even want to think about the only Bot on his mind.

"Kind of is. It's sort of funny to think that you love him."

"I know."

"So... why? I mean, why not... pick someone you don't hate?" Sam looked up to see Sideswipe just looking up at the appearing stars, thoughtful look on his face.

"He might be stubborn and harsh and violent, but he's not just that. He... he's also really understanding, and has this... way of really caring about others, he's always the one to pick up the pieces and fix things." And yet, Sam forced his thoughts away from the path they were veering towards again, determined to  _not think about it,_ he couldn't believe these two could make it work.

"How can you guys still be together? I mean... we can hardly get through stuff, but you and him... you've got all this... hatred in the mix." It would seem the obstacles would be too great for them to withstand, but Sideswipe offered a slight smile.

"I don't really know, but I'm glad we are." He hesitated for a moment, "But, what really helps would have to- well..." he looked at Sam questioningly, "tell me what Bee's like, to you." Sam bit his lip, staring at the smoke as it twisted between the stars.

"He's... he's so sweet, I can never really believe he could want  _me,_ of all people and Bots he could choose from. He's selfless, too, and it's so amazing, that he can be so loving... and he's always protective, always makes me feel safe when he's around, like he can make everything in the world just...  _right_ again." Sam drew in a breath, "and he's sensitive, too. He hates that, but I... I kind of really love it, how I can make him smile again... and... when I can be with him, loving him, it's like... nothing else is really there but him." Sideswipe looked at him.

"Now, have you ever told him any of that?" The question was so simple, Sam nearly cried. "See, when you describe your lover to someone else, you're really honest about how amazing they are. You say stuff you've never, ever told him." Sam was silent, regrets pounding through his mind; he should have told Bee, should have told him everything, should have, should have. "What's kept us together is that we've told each other that. He knows I love how he cares. He knows all that. And he tells me what he loves about me. It's what's helped to keep us together, despite everything." Sam felt Sideswipe's gaze on him, but still didn't say anything. He would have liked to know that Bee loved him for who he was, wanted to tell Bee everything he loved about him.

"I should have told him." Sam turned his face back into his hands, holding back tears. "I should've... I should've told him. I thought it would scare him away. He must think I don't."

The sky had darkened until the smoke became part of the night sky, indiscernible from the blackness that coddled the distant stars. It was still there, though, the city still burning, walls still falling.

"What if he told me because he knew I wouldn't see him again?" Sam's thoughts had been worsening through the night, each more unbearable than the last, but Sideswipe shook his head.

"He has yet to lose a fight, you know. The Decepticons are outnumbered. They'll figure out that you're not even there soon enough, give up before they die for no reason."

"Doesn't mean he'll come back to me."

"You can go to him, then." Sideswipe said quietly, "and show him he would be wrong to give up."

"But he wouldn't be. I should've known, should've seen it... I shouldn't have gotten into this with him."

"He'd still miss you" Sideswipe said, "he'd still mourn you. It's better to have something to live off of. He'll be better off than if he was wishing something had happened between you two."

"I can't even begin to imagine it" Sam whispered, closing his eyes so he couldn't see the city, "that's why I didn't want him to love me. I don't want him to be in so much pain."

"There was never anything you could do."

"I could have- when he said he wanted to stay with me, and-" Sam started, but Sideswipe shook his head no.

"It was always too late. You could have refused, but it wasn't after that point that he fell in love with you, Sam. It was much before that." He smiled slightly, "You should've heard him talk about you. Sometimes, I'd shut off my wireless transmitter without telling him so I could have some peace of mind for a while. We all did that, especially after he stayed on with you. He only ever told Ironhide, me, Sunstreaker and Jazz, but we all wished he'd just tell everyone, if only to even out the distribution of all that talking. Primus, but that Bot was crazy about you." His expression darkened slightly. "We knew it wasn't going to end well, even if he didn't realize it. We all hoped it was just some... what would it be called, that thing little school kids have on each other- cram?"

"Crush" Sam corrected quietly, smiling despite himself. It was too easy to imagine the easily-excitable Bee, babbling on in his companions' minds.

"Yeah. That. It wasn't, of course. We realized that when he finally got past your smile and eyes and all. When he started talking slower, more thoughtfully, about how you always trusted him, and how you would understand him even when he couldn't speak, that was when we realized, but it was too late. We just hoped you somehow liked him back enough to give him something real to remember. We tried to warn him, so he wouldn't get hurt when he realized he was hoping for too much, but..." he trailed off, shrugging a shoulder, "you can't just toss out a hope like that. Nothing matter to him more. It was the first time he's cared that much about someone, we'd all hoped it would be someone he could stay with." He looked down at Sam, "You couldn't have changed it. He's been in love with you for years."

Hindsight was more painful than helpful. Sam could recall how Bee had always looked out for him, always cared about him, and only now could he see just how far beyond the call of duty it had been. No one had told Bee to comfort Sam after he'd had a fight with Mikaela, or keep him from getting lost when driving, or let Sam vent at him after a particularly trying day, or to somehow find a way to communicate his sympathy through soft purrs and revs of an engine. No one had told him to save Sam from a life of pretending to love whichever girlfriend he ended up marrying. No one had told him to care so deeply.

Sam wasn't quite sure when he'd started falling for Bee. He'd never known it, but he could mark when he'd started depending on Bee more, when he'd started turning to Bee before anyone else, when he became such an important part of Sam's life that he couldn't imagine living without Bumblebee.

Thinking about him was starting to be too painful.

"How long have you guys all known each other? Like, how'd you all come to stick together like this?" He wasn't going to look at the faint outline of smoke, he wasn't.

"I don't even know how long, exactly. Hell of a long time. I know Optimus has known Ratchet forever, and that Ratchet's basically raised Bee. Jazz joined up next, Ironhide after him. The Twins were next, and Arcee and Chromia after them, which is why they're both like satellites- can't stand them. I found them quite a bit later, before they went back to Earth. There was a big gap between when the girls came and when I did. That's why Optimus probably thought I was some sort of Decepticon spy" He sighed an exasperated breath.

"You know that?"

"Told me last week. Redeems him a lot, anyways. I'd rather know his reasons were to protect his comrades than that stupid greater good idea. That was definitely still part of it, but you can tell he just wanted to keep his old friends safe. Anyways, Sunstreaker came after I did, couple centuries later, I guess." An indulgent smile was on his face.

"And you guys hit it off?"

"I hated the hell out of him. We ganged up on him, pulled pranks, locked him out of places, hid behind doors and scared him every day, hid stuff from him, rearranged things to drive him crazy, ditched him places, shit like that. It's a wonder he didn't ditch us, or join the Decepticons to get back at us. Good thing he was smarter than I was, he knew I had a thing for him."

"Understatement."

"To his credit, he figured it out pretty fast. Probably because when I wasn't sneaking around trying to torture him, I couldn't spend enough time with him. He must've thought I had some sort of memory loss, or a split personality from hell." He shook his head, laughing slightly. "Poor Bot. It's a wonder he didn't murder me."  
Sam chanced a look at the skyline again; through the midnight darkness, he could see the haze of smoke starting to taper off.

"I didn't know hate could allow for love" Sam murmured.

"Either did I." Sideswipe was looking at the smoldering horizon, thoughts far beyond it. "It's terrible, how much I get off of hurting him."

"How can you like it so much?"

"I dunno. It's because he's so harsh sometimes, like nothing can touch him. And... when I can make him scream or cry, it's just... I like knowing I can reach him like that. Reminds me we both have feelings." He rubbed at a handprint on the glossy car hood. "I dunno. I just like knowing I can make him feel something. I'm a fucking sadist that way." He was silent for a while before speaking again. "I wish you could've heard what Bee said about you. I mean, I could play the voice files for you, but it wouldn't be the same, would it?"

"Wish he'd tell me himself." Sam leaned back on the windshield, staring up at the stars. The silky darkness was so vast and so empty, he couldn't imagine what it would have been like for the Bots, hiding beyond the stars.

He retreated into the corvette when it started to rain, a light sprinkling that turned to violent whips of rain being hurled against the earth. Much as he tried, Sam couldn't sleep, not without Bee there beside him.

"He'll be okay, right?" Sam, curled up in the passenger seat, lifted his head to find Sideswipe's gaze. The holo was sitting in the backseat, staring down at the leather like there was some memory there Sam couldn't see.

"I'm sure he will be."

The way he said it though, Sam could tell. He was trying to convince Sam, trying to convince himself, and it wasn't working for either of them.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"That has got to be the stupidest excuse I've ever heard." The remark earned Tanner a sharp look from Lennox, who was bent over a control panel. "Sorry, but no one was in the room to see the monitors go crazy? What the hell is this, some mall security camera room? No one was watching the monitors that tell you if a threat to the universe is coming?"

"All the Bots were out" Lennox explained, patience wearing thin, seeing as he'd explained it over six times to Tanner, "And all military personnel happened to not be in the room. It was only for a moment that the scanners read anything. The Decepticons had a new cloaking technology this time."

"Great. They pick up some comic books or what?  _Cloaking_ technology?" He leaned against the doorway, shaking his head. "That's ridiculous."

"Still managed to surprise us,  _ridiculous_ as it may have been." He crouched to poke at the wires under the screens and monitors, muttering profanity to himself and the wires, and possibly directed at Tanner as well, although he wouldn't confess to it if asked.

"Cloaking. Great. What's next?"

"Probably nothing. They're all either gone or given up. A surprise attack was their last resort." He sat back on his heels to survey the wires again. "So, made any near-fatal mistakes again lately?"

"No." Tanner said stonily. Lennox laughed.

"Just making conversation. Gotta admit, you were pretty stupid."

"How was I supposed to know?" he sulked out of the room, opening the window there.

"Dammit. I need that drill..." Lennox grumbled. "Go get it for me, would you?"

"Sure, where is it?"

"There's one in the tool storehouse on the other side of town. And..." Tanner looked out the window, at the building that was Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's. He heard the thud of something metal hitting the ground, then a growling roar, followed by a howl of laughter. "There's one in Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's building."

"Uh- that's okay. I'll get the storehouse one. It's... um, newer."

Tanner was right not to venture into the seemingly innocent building. Sideswipe grinned, watching Sunstreaker duck behind the corvette, as if he could hide with the way his snickering was giving him away.

This was fun.

Really,  _really_  fun.

Sunstreaker made another dash for his own car form, but Sideswipe caught up with him, darting around the metal shelving they'd accidentally turned over, and catching Sunstreaker in his arms.

"Got you" he whispered, nipping at Sunstreaker's ear. His captive howled and wiggled, even as he fought to reciprocate.

"Gonna eat me now?"

"In a way. You're certainly delicious enough."

Sunstreaker twisted out of his grasp, spinning and snatching at him teasingly, before sprinting back around to the others side of the room. Sideswipe jumped and slid over the hood of the car and cut him off. He swept Sunstreaker off his feet, and Sunstreaker shrieked and squirmed in delight, as Sideswipe carried him over to the black car whose engine was revving in desperate excitement. "Door?" Sunstreaker didn't so much as look up from where he was kissing Sideswipe's neck, but the car door sprang open. Sideswipe practically threw Sunstreaker down onto the backseat, continuing to kiss him as he did so.

"Feisty" Sunstreaker managed to gasp out between his moaning as Sideswipe licked at his neck.

"I forgot how scary it is when you're out fighting" he mouthed against the bare shoulder under his lips, "I was worried about you."

"Sorry" Sunstreaker gasped aloud when Sideswipe's other hand slipped down to his hip, finding a sensitive spot Sideswipe had long, long ago memorized the location of.

"Have I ever told you-" Sideswipe paused to run a hand down Sunstreaker's chest, "how I love the way you can make everything better again?" Sunstreaker just reached for him, kissing him, deepening it to show that even if Sideswipe had, he still loved hearing it.

"Do you have to be so you?" Sunstreaker murmured, making Sideswipe smile and blush and turn his face into Sunstreaker's neck to hide it.

"I about died when you came to talk to me. You'd never been so determined to get me alone before. I thought you'd ganged up with someone to play a trick on me. I was scared to death."

"You're the one that hid behind doors and scared the hell out of me on a daily basis."

"You never did get used to it." Sideswipe snickered. He slid a knee up between Sunstreaker's legs, earning himself a gasp as Sunstreaker bucked up against him.

"I was too busy freaking out about seeing you anyways" Sunstreaker groaned when Sideswipe started working his jeans down, inch by agonizingly slow inch. "Got so fucking nervous."

"You think you were nervous" Sideswipe slid down to situate himself between Sunstreaker's legs, "I never knew whether to seek you out because I wanted you or avoid you because I didn't know what to say around you."

"You did pretty damn well playing it cool- aah!" Sunstreaker bucked up when Sideswipe finally got his jeans off and slid his hand lower, "I had no idea."

"Seriously? I always thought you knew I had it bad for you. Guess I was just overly self-conscious."

"Except when you were drunk"

"What the hell did I do when I was drunk?!" His head jerked up, and Sunstreaker moaned.

"Don't stop...Primus, oh, don't  _stop_..." There was a request Sideswipe could never refuse. "I hated how you were so damn  _good_ at being drunk. Barely affected you at all... except for your... aaah!.. your judgment, obviously. Once.. once you kissed me. Greatest... fucking moment... of my life."

"Oh... I remember that" Sideswipe said, and the sly grin made Sunstreaker arch en eyebrow. "That was a week before you said something. And, um..." He ducked his head and did that sinful thing with his tongue that all-but made Sunstreaker scream, "I wasn't drunk."

"No fucking way! You-" Sunstreaker's shout was broken off by an even louder scream. "-you little liar!"

"Yeah" Sideswipe grinned up at him, "If I  _had_  been drunk, I would have fucked you into the floor, not just stopped at kissing you." Sunstreaker beamed.

"I'm gonna test that theory sometime..." Before he could start to plan, his mind was blurred by Sideswipe's next move, and he just screamed. "I love how you can do this to me. And I  _hate_ that, too" Sunstreaker managed to gasp out. He slid a hand along Sideswipe's chest, coming to the top of his jeans and shoving them down. Sideswipe groaned and arched against him.

"I hate you too." A low moan escaped him when Sunstreaker yanked away more clothing, nimble fingers too clever, too wonderful, "And I love you. I must be crazy."

"Yeah. But in the best way." Sunstreaker grinned at the gasped laugh this got him, as he bit at Sideswipe's neck and his hand slid to a sensitive spot that always made Sideswipe moan.

"None better."

xxxx

Bee looked- Sam didn't even know, and that alone just killed him. Bee had switched back to his human form just so he could be expressive in the way he wanted, and Sam almost wished he wasn't. He saw anger, pain, regret, and far too much fear for his comfort. Bee was waiting for him outside the medaby looking like he wasn't even sure he wanted to be there at all. He was sitting on the bench out front, under the overhang, as the torrential rain soaked the cement just inches before the toes of his sneakers. Which were singed. As was his shirt. There was a bruise on his arm and he was rubbing at the black soot on his cheek. He looked painfully adorable, and Sam knew there was anger hiding behind.

"Hi, Bee." The amber eyed-gaze shot up to meet his, but Bee said nothing as Sam sat beside him. He was trying to figure out what to say, when Bee beat him to it.

"If you're here to tell me it's over, you don't have to say it." He examined the black stains on his fingertips too carefully. "I know. So don't... tell me." His jaw was clenched tighter as he glared down at the evidence of smoke. "But I'm sorry." He blinked away tears, obviously determined to stay angry and not hurt. Sam couldn't speak, couldn't say a word. It was like he'd gone completely numb, like nothing could exist beyond what Bee was forcing himself to say. Bee was silent, just coughing a little and staring down at the cement. He gave Sam a few more seconds to say something, then stood up and started to walk away.

That was the one thing Sam had sworn he'd never let Bee do, not unless Bee knew how he felt.

"Wait!" When he caught up to Bee, they were both already soaked with rainwater, Bee starting to shiver. "I didn't come here to end this." Even as he said it, Bee still couldn't look at him. "I just... damn, Bee, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"You'd hate me for it. How else would you feel?" Bee's burning misery was like torture to Sam, slow, agonizing torture that tore his heart to pieces, "I've loved you since..." he sighed, looking away. "I don't even know. A long time. I know it's stupid. And everyone told me it couldn't work, but... dammit, Sam, what was I supposed to do?!" The sudden outburst made Sam almost flinch, "It wasn't my fucking fault! I didn't want to ruin everything! I should have been satisfied with just getting to stay near you, but I wanted to try for more, and all it's done is screw us over even more, because there was never supposed to be an  _us_  at all, was there?" He turned amber eyes to Sam, "Please don't tell me there was because you were doing me a favor. If that's why, don't tell me." God, Sam hated it when he said it like that, like Bee had already convinced himself that was the reason, but what was even worse was how he felt it would be even worse to hear Sam say it. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to. That's why. I didn't want to let go of you yet. I don't ever want to, to be perfectly honest, but that's not something you can just  _say_ to someone!"

"Yes it is." Sam broke in quietly. "I wish you had told me that. A long time ago. Or- or that you'd told me what you told some of the other Bots about me. It would have-"

"It would have scared you away." Bee insisted brokenly. "I've  _seen_ that happen before. So I didn't tell you, because I don't want you to hate me." He mumbled something that was lost in the sound of the rain, but sounded like  _too late for that,_ accompanied by some other choice words that couldn't even begin to express his deep regret. "I wasn't ready to let go of you yet, so I didn't tell you. I... I needed more time, because once you're gone..." He drew in a breath, glaring down at the sodden grass, "I need something to keep me alive because I can't always have you. That's why I didn't tell you that-" his voice hitched, and he blinked away tears, "I love you."

It was exactly what Sam had been trying so desperately to avoid. Every action, every word, spoken and unspoken, had been an attempt to save Bumblebee from the heartbreak that had looked so forebodingly inevitable. Sam was devastated to see that it had been inevitable, and that it wouldn't be the last time. The entire time, the only saving grace he'd been able to find was that if Bee didn't love him, at least he wouldn't be in pain later.

Sam had never before watched a heart break, but when Bee started crying, he knew it was too late to forget.

"Bee-" Sam pulled Bee into his arms, meeting very little resistance.

He'd never made Bee cry before.

At least, not that he'd known of. it killed him to think that he probably had done so before.

"I'm sorry," Bee sobbed into his neck, holding him tight.

"Bee, Bee, Bee, don't... don't say anything. Just for a minute." He couldn't possibly talk, not with Bee spilling his heart out in the way that made Sam want to cry, "Listen to me, please." Bee managed to nod, even as he held onto Sam like he was sure it would be the last time.

It was how he'd treated every touch, Sam realized too late, too late to do anything about that, Bee had always savored everything like it could be the last.

Sam felt like the entire world was rushing up to meet him, like all his memories were colliding and the overwhelming scream of  _why didn't I say this sooner?_ nearly stole his voice away entirely.

"I love you." The words felt more than natural, like he wasn't so much as saying them as baring every emotion he had for Bee. The words had been left behind, it felt like he was revealing how he felt, not just what he wanted to say, like he was telling Bee everything at once, that their past had been different then it had seem and their future would be different than they'd ever thought.

Bee's breathing hitched and he said nothing, but his silence said all the words for him. He didn't believe Sam, he wouldn't let himself.

"Honestly, Bee. I didn't... didn't realize it, but honest, you mean everything to me. I can't believe how in just... just eight months, you could... could be my entire world. Nothing matters more, and I love you." He was endlessly relieved when he heard Bee's weak laugh.

"We are so... so stupid. I was scared you'd hate me, but..."

"I loved you all along." Sam kissed the wet skin of Bee's neck. "I'm cold. Can we get out of the rain?"

Nearing one AM, Sam was lying awake in bed, staring out at the stars beyond teh window. His thoughts were whirling too fast to allow him to sleep as deeply as Bee had, who had been out like a light since eleven. He was pressed into Sam's side, one arm thrown across him, one leg in between Sam's. Sam didn't really want to sleep, not with Bee so close. He just wanted to savor the time. His shifting around made Bee stir, snuggling close and looking up at him with big amber eyes.

"Why're you awake?" Bee whispered. Sam shrugged a shoulder.

"I don't really know..." He rubbed his hand in circles on Bee's back, which never failed to get Bee to arch closer with a happy little hum, and it, yet again, got the same delighted reaction. "Just thinking, I guess."

"About?" His sleepy little yawn was about the cutest thing Sam had ever seen.

"You." Bee purred at that. Sam decided not to tell Bee that he was thinking about the lifetime alone Bee would have. God, he didn't want to cause Bee that much pain. He'd never wanted to. "And how we're gonna tell everyone else. Should be interesting." Bee snorted with laughter at that.

"Most already know. Although the Twins will pretend to gag and die when we tell them."

"How do you know that?" Sam arched an eyebrow.

"That's what they did to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Then again, the Twins might have learned their lesson. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker got back at them for that."

"Sounds just like I thought it would be." He trailed his fingers through Bee's dark hair, running his fingertips over the short spiky part. "God, you're too cute. Spiking."

"Yeah, well, you said you'd like it" Bee nuzzled against him, "I couldn't resist."

"You're so obvious."

"Mmmm. Yeah. I know." Bee pressed a soft kiss to Sam's chest. "I love you too much to hide it well."

"You did a pretty good job, if you ask me." Sam said, looking down at the warm body curled up next to him. "I thought you were just in it for the sex."

"Not to say that it isn't good," Bee shot him a devilish smile, "but no. You're too amazing for just that." His expression darkened as he traced a finger over Sam's chest. "I know you were thinking about what's going to happen in a hundred years."

"I just… have to wonder, you know? If… if it's worth it for you. I'd do anything to keep you from hurting like that. I just hope this is worth it, that I'm good enough to go through all that, or that… I don't know. I guess I even hope that I'll be a disappointment, just so you won't get hurt. I just don't want you to live though all that. It's like… it feels unfair. I get this great, normal life with you, and you… don't."

Bee was silent, a silence of gratitude and hopelessness and wonderment.

"I'll always miss you, Sam, and always wish you were with me. But I'd never regret a thing." His breath ghosted across Sam's skin, and Sam didn't want him to ever move. "I remember everything. And I tell myself that will almost be enough to live on. I love you."

"I love you, Bee. Always." How he hoped Bee would be able to remember the feelings, too, able to still feel loved even when Sam himself was gone.

"Don't waste time feeling bad about what'll happen later." Bee tilted his head up so he could press a kiss to Sam's jaw, "We don't have enough time for that."

Sam fought back tears, even as Bee snuggled into him, seemingly content.

They would never have enough time.


	20. Chapter 20

Two years.

It had been two years since Sam had moved to the city and he  _still_ couldn't find his way around worth a damn. Probably because Bee usually accompanied him around anyways.

At the moment, Bee was who-knew-where waiting to meet him, and, Sam was irritated to admit, he was too, but at a  _different_ who-knew-where. He squinted down at the map again, with an almost longing look at the complex where he was supposed to be meeting Bee. Sam wasn't sure where he was, but he was fairly certain it was on the other side of the map. He wasn't familiar with it, mostly because he kept that side of the map folded over so he could concentrate on his more frequented area.

Basically, he was in uncharted territory.

He blinked down at the map again, figure that he was on a street called- he tilted the map to read it properly- Skids Rulz, the cross street being Mudflaps The Best. Every other street had a similar name- Skids Ownz This Galaxy, Mudflap's Cooler Than You, Skids Would Beat Your Ass In A Fight- Sam sighed, folding the map back up. They'd taken his again- the Twins never failed to get a kick out of how bad his sense of direction was- and replaced it with their custom map. It was a wonder he hadn't noticed sooner that the streets all sort of bended to form M's and S's. Whoever had taught those jerks to reprint maps would pay.

Walking by an alleyway, however, Sam heard a car engine idling, and peeked into the darkness. The headlights reflecting back at him were those of the black sports car that was Sunstreaker, and he saw Sunstreaker's holo in the backseat.

"What're you doing out here?" He called out, leaning against the wall.

"Playing with Swipe." Sunstreaker's all-too casual voice came from the semi darkness. "Except then Ratchet made him come help with some total disaster and whatever whatever whatever, and he kind of wanted to make sure I didn't leave." Sunstreaker was sitting in the front seat, the door open, as if he was waiting with a patience Sam knew he didn't poses.

"And you don't leave because....?"

"Because some freaking genius let him have the newest invention." Sunstreaker sighed. "He handcuffed me to the steering wheel." Sam snorted with laughter at that.

"He  _what?"_

"Yeah." He made an attempt at showing Sam the handcuffs that held his hands, and Sam caught a glint of silver. "Traps you in your holo form. Pret-ty convenient. And  _this_ is what's called misuse of an invention!" God, Sam didn't even want to think about that. "You'd think, after over five hundred years, he'd run out of new ideas... I mean, jeez, I've been handcuffed, chased down, blindfolded, been taken in cars, on floors, in closets, on counters, and there's this game where you go talk to someone else, and depending on what they say, that's what you do-"

"Huh?" Sam was fairly sure he didn't want to know, but asked anyways.

"We went to Ratchet and asked what he'd done that day, and if he said he'd organized tools, repacked boxes, treated how many patients, or lost something, that each meant something different. Like, opening boxes meant it was on the floor, and repacking boxes meant on the car hood, and if he treated under five patents, I got to be top-"

"okay!" Sam held his hands over his ears, "enough description!" Sunstreaker gave him a truly evil grin. "I have to go find Bee."

"Yeah" Sunstreaker had that devious look on his face, "I wonder why. Did I give you any new ideas?"

"I swear I'm going to make you  _pay_ one day for this.." Sam grumbled. Sunstreaker just laughed. "Seriously, I'm going to torture you."

"I can't let you do that, Sam" Sideswipe's voice right behind him made Sam jump, and he turned to see a smirking Sideswipe, "because that's my job. I'd do it better anyways."

"Only if I let you" Sunstreaker called out, a definite taunt to his tone, "I've been stuck here for two hours. You'd  _better_ make it up to me."

"Oh, I will." Another smile that made Sam worry, "Know what Ratchet said he did today?"

"What?" Sunstreaker asked, and Sideswipe went over to the open car door, leaning on it and reaching his other hand to trace down Sunstreaker's face tenderly.

"Treated seven patients." Sunstreaker purred with delight at that, but Sideswipe wasn't finished, "And then I talked to Optimus, and you know what else?" He tilted Sunstreaker's chin up, leaning down to kiss his handcuffed captive gently, "he said that he replaced a sparkplug today." He murmured the last words in Sunstreaker's ear, and for reasons Sam couldn't see, Sunstreaker was speechless, eyes wide.

"You don't say" he barely managed to stammer. Sideswipe nodded. "Was the center electrode... nickel alloy?" Sideswipe took his time undoing one handcuff.

A devilish smile appeared on Sideswipe's face, and he kissed Sunstreaker's ear before saying in a dirty whisper, "Iriduim."

The car engine revved loudly, and Sunstreaker yanked Sideswipe down into the backseat with him with one hand, attacking Sideswipe's lips with his own. engine rumbling and purring louder.

As the car engine rumbled and purred loudly, Sam decided to leave before anything else happened. He didn't have the slightest clue what was so great about a sparkplug with a center electrode made of iridium, but he knew he didn't want to find out.

He could still hear the engine purring half a block away.

When Sam finally located the engineering building, he'd wasted half the day already.

"There you are." Sam was relieved to have finally found bee. "You don't know what I've gone through to get here. First I get lost, then realize the Twins stole my map and gave me a custom and totally  _wrong_ one, and then I run into Sunstreaker who's  _handcuffed to the steering wheel,_ and then Sideswipe shows up and says something about iridium sparkplugs-"

For some reason, Bee choked at this, doubling over with laughter.

"Iridium?" he finally managed to gasp out, when he could stand and hang onto the doorway for support. Sam nodded. Bee shook his head, amused look on his face.

"Iridium... means... means..." he drew in a breath, trying to steady himself, "three times in a row, S&M with handcuffs and... and..." he broke down into laughter before continuing in a gasp, "it has to be somewhere new." that being said, Bee dissolved into snickering again.

"but... they've been together forever, how many places could be left?"

"Exactly" Bee grinned, "where do you go after you've already used the floor, backseat, hood, and wherever else?"

"Uh..." Sam's mouth then fell open, "Man, I am  _not_ opening any closed doors today. No  _way_ am i walking in on anything!" A sly smile appeared on Bee's face.

"Last time it was under a desk in an office. And someone was so close to walking in on them, it was scary.." Before Sam could truly envision that, there was the sound of an explosion from the next room.

"Bumblebee!" Ironhide's voice was nearly drowned out by the sound of another explosion, "Get your ass in here!" Bee snickered and hurried to talk himself out of trouble.

When he reappeared, there was a devilish smile on his face that Sam had learned to never, ever trust.

"Oh, God. What did you do?"

"Nothing" Bee switched to an innocent smile that was even less believable. "You know, Ironhide said something that sure was interesting..."

"Oh, yeah? And what might that be?" he watched warily as Bee pretended to be casual, wandering over to him.

"You have to promise to play the game if I tell you the rules." Bee's secretive little smile was irresistible. Bee fingered the buttons on Sam's shirt, looking all-too delighted with himself.

"I promise."

"Okay. Just one rule."

"Which is...?" Amber eyes met him.

"You've gotta do it."

"It? What is  _it?"_ Sam asked, as Bee slowly undid the top button.

"It is what goes with what Ironhide said." He was humming to himself, a sound that was half a purr and half a melody, the very sound of that pleased state of being.

"What did he say? Do I really have to drag this out of you?"

"He said..." Bee undid another button, leaning in to whisper, "Gold palladium alloy."

That did sound familiar.

"And you promised me, don't forget" he added jauntily. Sam's mouth fell open.

"Center electrode-"

"Can be made of gold palladium alloy. And you know what that means?" This game, Sam decided with no conscious thought necessary, was about the only good thing that had ever come of Sideswipe and Sunstreaker combining forces to come up with something. He would have to thank them later- if there was a way to say that without sounding awkward.

"What does it mean?"

"It means," Bee's husky tone was, no doubt, the sexiest thing Sam had ever heard, "right  _now,_ closest surface possible, first one to get there gets to decide what happens."

That sounded way too good to resist.

Sam grabbed Bee by the hand and dragged him down the hallway and into the first room he found. It was a supply storeroom, dimly lit and usually forgotten.

No way would Bee ever be able to walk by this room again and not think about it, Sam realized with satisfaction. He never failed to find delight in leaving memories on Bee's day. It was devilishly fun to see Bee suddenly start snickering when he saw a certain door, leaving the other Bots he was in to just stare at him in confusion.

Sam tried not to think of the day when those memories would make Bee cry, not laugh.

For the moment, though, Sam focused on how he  _had_ been the one to reach the storeroom first. He flung open the steel door and dragged Bee inside.

"I got here first." He announced, and Bee heaved a sigh as Sam snatched him by the front of his shirt and dragged him into the room.

"I would have, but you didn't let me."

"I'm sure." Sam nudged the door shut, turning the lock and not missing the excitement on Bee's face, "but you won't regret it, I promise." He pressed his lips to Bee's, slowly backing him towards the door until Bee's back bumped into it. "Never thought sparkplugs were so much fun."

"Not without you they're not" Bee arched his back and hissed in delighted surprise when Sam's hands dropped suddenly lower, "Anything's fun with you." Bee willingly turned towards the wall when Sam's hands guided him to turn. "Know what?"

"What?" Sam worked Bee's jeans down with an agonizingly slow pace, delighting in Bee's breathy moans.

"Whenever you do anything like this..." Bee whined when Sam finally managed to get his jeans away, "aaah! Can't you go any faster than that?"

"If you insist" Sam pressed a kiss to the back of Bee's neck, "what were you saying?" Bee couldn't quite remember, at the moment, not with the way Sam was doing... doing  _that_ with his fingers, that twist of motion he  _knew_ would make Bee shudder and cry out in needy desperation.

"I.... ummm..." Bee groaned when Sam took away his fingers, "I can't... think... when you're doing that. Or not doing it." He choked back a scream when Sam finally pushed in. He hadn't remembered just how good that felt, how pain melted into pleasure, and how nothing else existed, just that electricity running through him, enough to kill him, more than enough to make him beg and writhe, "I just..." Sam thrust up slowly, waiting for Bee's reaction. It was immediate; Bee tensed and moaned, thrusting his arching his hips against Sam's movements.

"What was it?" Sam whispered into his ear, nipping at Bee's neck. He loved how Bee would tense up, gasping for breath. He made a needy, whimpering noise and Sam thrust up again into the tight heat, again, harder, faster, and then changed his angle just so. Bee's strangled cry was a gasp of words he couldn't understand, and a near scream repeated the staticy words so they echoed in the empty room. Cybertronian. But Sam didn't need a translation, he knew what Bee would scream, when Bee was this hot and worked up, this close and this desperate by now. Bee was gasping something in that half silent, half static language of the Autobots, one hand pressed against the wall as if he was trying to grab onto something, anything. No, Sam didn't need to know the words to know that Bee was begging, pleading with a desperation that told Sam everything of what he was feeling. Sam was more than willing to obey, reaching around Bee, fingers finding their mark. Bee screamed this time, no words needed, the same way Sam could understand his silence, it was so obvious what he was saying. His wordless plead of  _want, need, more, you,_ was the same no matter how it was conveyed. Sam pressed another kiss to the hot, bare shoulder, and at the same time, snuck his other hand around and squeezed. Bee gasped aloud, back arching as hisses of perplexing words slipped from his lips.

When they had struggled back into their clothing, Bee leaned back against the wall as Sam wandered across the room. Bee's gaze was on him, amber eyes filled with an honest wonderment.

"What were you going to say?" Sam leaned against the window sill of the window on the other side of the room, looking down at the street far below. Bee drew in a breath, letting it out slowly.

"I always think of you when I see certain places, or hear certain words, or anything like that. It's like a trigger to think of you. I really love that." He saw the way Sam bowed his head, knew that stance, that Sam was thinking, that he didn't like what was coming to mind. "You can't help it, you know. It's a good thing."

"Honestly, Bee, I hope you still feel that way in four hundred years. Please tell me you will." He sighed, shoulders slumping, "I hate that you'll be alone."

"Don't think about it." Bee pushed himself up off the wall, crossing the room to Sam. "Please. I just wanted you to know that I love the way you leave memories of yourself everywhere." Sam half nodded, but Bee knew he was still thinking about it.

Bee slipped his arms around him, humming as he kissed Sam's neck. "Forget it, Sam. There's something else I wanted to tell you, anyways."

"What?"

"You distracted me before, but I didn't forget. Happy birthday. Twenty-three's exciting." Sam couldn't help a smile. He'd never doubted that Bee would remember; Bee had a way of remembering every single thing Sam had ever said, and using it- more often than not against him- later.

"Says the one who passed it eons ago" Sam snorted with laughter, "what were you doing when you were twenty three?" Bee laughed.

"How the hell should I know? I didn't record memory until I was three hundred or so. Do you remember what you were doing when you were three?"

"Driving my mom crazy, according to her. She called me this morning and had to remind me of that. Said she's glad I'm older and more mature, and don't drive her crazy by banging on pots and pans anymore"

"That's not nice. What kind of annoying baby were you?"

"All kids do that. Just asked Ratchet about you" Sam grinned, "did you know he used to turn off his wireless transmitter so you couldn't talk in his head anymore? He said it gave him a headache."

"He did?!" Bee scowled, "oh, he's so dead. I had important stuff to say!"

"I'm sure. How old are you, anyways?" The question brought a thoughtful silence from Bee, and Sam laughed, "how can you not remember?"

"Gimme a second. You've got it easy, you can practically count your age on your fingers."

"Twenty three?"

"I said almost."

"You said practically."

"Jerk" Bee nipped at his ear to shut him up, "Let's see. I'm... two thousand, four hundred and seventeen. And if you say one fucking word about it-"

"Cradle robber"

"Aw, forget  _you"_ Bee growled in his ear, nuzzling against Sam's neck, "Can you blame me?"

"Guess it'd be like hypocrisy. I made fun of my friend for dating an older girl once. You've made me a total hypocrite in that respect."

"So we're even. You made me a cradle robber, and I made you a hypocrite." God, Sam loved that delighted little laugh.

"So, what  _were_ you doing at twenty-three-ish?"

"Ish?"

"You're such a geek" Sam grinned when Bee growled at him, "About twenty three. Ish."

"That's not a word" Bee grumbled, "I get a grasp of this human stuff, and you throw nonexistent words at me."

"You're the one that screams in Cybertronian when I-"

"Yeah, okay" Bee put a hand over Sam's mouth, felt Sam's sly smile, "You can stop there." He took his hand away, waiting to see if Sam would try and get more of a blush out of him.

"Something about you and doors, I dunno, but gotta say, I really love it, get a total kick out of it-"

"Saaaaaam" Bee whimpered- he hated how transparent humans were with their emotions, didn't think it was fair that he blushed scarlet whenever Sam teased him in that delicious way he had. Sam just laughed.

"You're too cute."

"Yeah, well. Moving on." Bee licked at Sam's neck to distract him. "Twenty-three...ick?"

"Ish."

"That. I barely remember then. The entire world was different. Ratchet threw wrenches at me when I messed with the weapons stuff. Said to get the hell away from the tools before I managed to weld myself to the floor." He snickered at hte memory, "swore he'd leave me there for a week if I did. Got mad at me and the Twins once, too, for playing around with that rock thing. Called it "Stonehenge" and told us that if humans realized it was aliens who'd fucked with it, he'd kill us himself."

"You broke a wonder of the world?!"

"We didn't break it!" Bee protested, "We put it back just the way it was. At least..." he frowned, "the way we thought it was. Couldn't really remember. But close."

"Well, now I'm jealous. Here you were wrecking a wonder of the world at twenty-three-ish, and all I'm doing is hanging out with alien robots and getting lost in the city I've lived in for two years."

"What a boring life."

"Shut up. I wish I had one of those. Instead, I've got maniac robots stealing my city maps, had lunatics from outer space out to kill me, and a car that can't keep its mouth shut when it's up against a door-" he broke off into laughter when Bee growled at him. "I can't imagine any other life."

"Yeah, you could be off doing something normal, like being a doctor, or a lawyer, or blacksmith, or whatever."

"Blacksmith? Where- or  _when-_ do you think we are?"

"It used to be a big business" Bee pouted, and Sam just laughed.

"Well, whatever I could have been, I'm fine where I am." This earned him a gentle kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Sideswipe had once told Sam that Bots didn't toss around those three words the way humans could. His unromantic way of explaining it was how, in the same way humans didn't walk around saying "Happy Christmas" (Sam had explained that it sounded better to say  _Merry)_ when it wasn't December, Bots were the same. (At this point, Sam had ditched him and asked Sunstreaker the same question). Bots only said it when they meant it, Sunstreaker had explained. It came from how they could transmit thoughts into someone else's mind- it sounded so honest, so genuine when it was so intimate a way of communicating, that to say it and not mean it whole-heartedly would devalue the words. (Sam hadn't gotten much more of an explanation, Sideswipe had gotten offended that Sam hadn't liked his explanation, and started arguing with Sunstreaker about the "Happy vs. Merry" concept).

Thinking about the fighting couple always left Sam with the same thoughts. He'd never told Bee, but that morning, he'd mentioned it to Sideswipe, whose words rang in Sam's mind.

"Did you tell  _Bee_ that?"

Unfortunately, Sideswipe had made a good point, so Sam decided he ought to do as Sideswipe suggested.

"Bee..." he trailed his fingertips over Bee's wrist, "I want to stay with you for the rest of my life, but... I wish I could be with you for all of yours, too."

For some reason, Bee went really still and utterly silent.

Sam was starting to panic when Bee finally spoke. "Do you mean that?"

"Yes."

"You get what that means? That you'd... you'd be giving up the rest of your life? That'd you'd eventually have to live without nearly everyone else you know? That the entire world would eventually be unrecognizable?"

"I know" Sam had thought of little else lately. "I'd still want to stay with you." Another long silence.

"Honestly?"

"Yes, honestly. Like, if-I-had-to-choose-right-now honestly, I want to stay with you."

He couldn't figure out why Bee was treating it like there was some big decision to be made. Even if there had been, Sam could have made the choice with confidence, but there was no reason for all the seriousness. He turned in Bee's arms to press a kiss to Bee's lips.

"What's with all the shock? I would make that choice in a heartbeat." Bee remained silent, amber eyes on Sam's face like he was trying to figure out if Sam was being truthful.

"So... if there was a way, you would give up the rest of your life to stay with me? Give up...  _everything?_ "

Sam looked up to meet his gaze, imagined being able to look into those eyes forever, imagined thousands of years together, through unseen worlds and unreached stars.

"Is there a way? I would give my soul to stay with you, Bee."

Bumblebee just looked at Sam, like he was silently saying that Sam would have to give up even more than that.

"Bee…?"


	21. Chapter 21

Bee didn't want to ask.

He wanted it, Primus, but he wanted it, but he would never ask.

He almost did. Sam had looked at him expectantly, but he'd said nothing. Somehow, he'd managed to find the last traces of restraint, and had shut down the words.

It was the closest he'd ever come to saying it. So close, so dangerously close. Bee shuddered to think how the words had beaded on his lip, nearly fallen into the silence between him and Sam. So close.

The shard of his spark was now detached, shimmering on its own, waiting, waiting.  _Wait on,_ he thought of the newly created spark, imagining it dulling and dying,  _it will never happen._

Sam didn't know what he would be getting himself into. He had no idea what would happen. He didn't understand, he couldn't- how could he? He hadn't seen worlds dazzle to life and fade away, everything falling away until a new world rose to life, only to fall. He hadn't seen leagues of people live and die. He didn't know that stars would fade over time, didn't know that the sun never set the same way twice, didn't know that the world today is not the world of yesterday, nor that of tomorrow. He couldn't even grasp that his lifetime, his time with Bee, it was but a fraction of time. Bee didn't know the equivalent, but their time together was so short, it was shattering.

He shuddered to think that their years together would be like a week, in his lifetime. It was so short. So, so short, too short. And yet...

No.

Bee would never ask.

He hadn't expected Sam to look at him like that, though.

Hadn't expected him to come back a day later and look at him like he knew.

"You're not telling me something."

He hadn't known Sam could understand his silence.

Sam stood there, dark eyes fixed on him, question on his face. He'd accompanied Bee on the trek out to the perimeter fence, to check on a satellite, something he usually didn't find interesting. Bee usually told Sam it would honestly be boring, that he wouldn't even have one of the usual companions to talk to, as Arcee was coming to help and not Ironhide or Sideswipe or anyone Sam usually talked to, but this time, Sam had quietly insisted on coming. He'd waited, uncharacteristically patient, while Bee checked the satellite. Bee had switched to his human form to join Sam, sitting at the top of the hill, looking out at the lake, its dark waters shimmering with a reflection of the sunset's last rays of light. Arcee sensed the seriousness of the suspended conversation and chose to linger far out of earshot, the motorcycle parked farther away until she could follow them back.

"I know you're not Bee. I really wish you'd tell me." Sam was silhouetted against the last of the light, but Bee knew the look on his face anyways.

"It's just what you said yesterday." Bee turned his gaze to the darkening lake below, wondering when the reflections of stars would start to appear. "Giving up everything like that. Do you... understand? What that _means?_ It... it's staggering, what you would lose. Everything you knew would someday be gone. Everyone, every human you know, would be gone. It's like reinventing your world every couple hundred years. Once you get used to something, it's gone. Nothing stays the same for long, but you can't help but get attached to your favorite time..." He bit his lip, shaking his head. "Nothing ever comes back."

"You miss a time on earth?" Sam's tone of soft, sympathetic wonder showed that he'd never so much as considered the concept. Bee nodded.

"It's pointless, really. It's hardly my planet. But... the medieval ages. There was a magic back then that's dead now. People still had heroes and they still believed in miracles, and everything was different. Back then, there were the Cathedrals, just constructed, and they were beautiful. Unbelievable. You felt like you weren't on Earth anymore. There were the Templar knights, and you always felt safer, knowing they were protecting people, and it was like... they were heroes. People still believed magic existed. It was amazing. I was devastated, the day I realized it was going." Bee drew in a breath, still gazing out at the lake as it darkened, the sun taking the last of its light away over the horizon, "It was my favorite time. And if you stayed, you'd have to live with that too. We've all got something we miss."

"I didn't... didn't know that."

"I'd say you could ask, but... no one can talk about it, everyone's still heartbroken about losing those years. Every time, it feels like you leave a big part of yourself there. It's happened to everyone. Sideswipe misses the Renaissance, how everything was a new discovery and there were still things left to discover. Sunstreaker misses the era when the Greeks ruled everything, misses how the gods and goddesses could explain away everything, liked having that to rely on to make everything seem explainable. Jazz loved the Egyptian era, he was just in awe of everything they accomplished, how the might of that empire was just unrealized until it came into its glory. And Ironhide's time was actually much later, during the American revolution, all that patriotism and self determination. Basically... everyone left their heart somewhere." Bee fell silent for a few minutes. "It's the hardest right afterwards. On the day you realize it's gone."

"So miss the medieval ages most of all?" Sam asked. It was easy, effortless, to imagine Bee loving that sort of era. He was always excited at anything, it was natural that he would love a time when everything was new, when magic was true, when it seemed anything could happen.

"To be honest... not anymore." Bee gave him a bittersweet smile. "I'll miss right now more." His smile disappeared. "The reason I'm telling you this, Sam is because you don't seem to understand how hard it is to lose the entire world you know. You would have to give up everything." Sam slipped his hand into Bee's, saying nothing. Bee laced his fingers with Sam's, but looked away. "I won't let you do that."

Sam felt like the whole world had fallen away, throwing him into a new reality, without warning, none at all.

"Won't, or wouldn't?"

He didn't need an answer. The way a wholly miserable look appeared on Bee's face told him everything.

Words failed to come to Sam, haunting on the edges of his reach, eluding him, but his silence said everything for him. Said  _you didn't tell me,_ said  _I didn't know,_ said  _how could you,_ said  _I'm sorry._

He'd thought Bee was selfless before. Now, Sam saw that he truly hadn't realized the depth of it.

"I won't." Bee finally said, voice low. "I won't let you do that."

It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.

"Won't, because... because I could."

The world had stopped turning, Sam's breath ceased to come, the moon froze where it was on its ascent into the night sky, as the entire universe froze on a heartbeat.

Bee nodded yes, silent like he was saying,  _I love you,_ like he was saying,  _I love you too much to let you stay with me._

"Then can I ask you something?" Sam said slowly. Bee just nodded. "Just... for a moment, pretend all that didn't matter. That it wouldn't happen, that I wouldn't lose what I loved the most. Can you just imagine that for me?" Bee was silent.

"Yeah."

"Okay. Given all that, would you want me to stay?"

Bee wiped away welling tears.

"Don't do this to me, Sam. Please." His voice hitched. "Yes. Yes. I would. There's nothing else I want. You're my world now. I would want you to stay with me." He took a shaky breath. "Don't ever make me think of that again. It hurts, and I can't have it. Never again."

Sam hated what he was doing, but he had to.

"I wouldn't lose what I love the most, Bee."

"Yes. Yes you would." Bee's stubborn, worn tone was insistent even as he forced away tears, "You'd lose your entire world."

"No. I wouldn't. It's like you said." Sam pressed on gently, "It's you that's my whole world. I don't care that I'd be losing everything else, because that _wouldn't matter._ I'd have you. Tell me it wouldn't have been different, if you'd lost an era but had someone to be with?"

Bee sniffled, said nothing. Sam was right. Bee had asked the same question once, of Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Sunstreaker had lost the time that meant the most to him when he was alone, but Sideswipe had lost his when he had Sunstreaker.

It hadn't hurt as much, he'd said. He'd lost his era, but not his world. His world had stayed with him, consoling him over the loss of a time, easing the pain.

"It would have been different." Bee's voice faltered. "But Sam, you wouldn't just lose a time. You'd lose people. Every single person you know-"

"I'd have you. All the Bots here. And you." Sam squeezed his hand gently. "Don't you think I've thought about this? It's all I can think about. I know it's because you love me that you don't want me to stay-"

"It's all because I love you" Bee confirmed quietly. "I love you too much to let you do that."

"But-"

"No, Sam." Bee wouldn't look at him, but his voice was firm in his resolve. "You don't understand what it would be like for you. You've never lost everything you've known before. You don't know what it's like to lose everything, and lose it again, and again. I'm not going to put you through that. Nothing could make me do that to you. Not even myself."

"So you're saying..." Sam said slowly, and Bee looked at him hopefully, like Sam would understand the reasoning, "you don't actually need me to stay, if you won't let me go through all that for you." Bee's expression darkened.

"Sam, that's  _not-"_ Bee tried, as Sam stood impatiently, stalking away a few feet. Bee stood up as well, crossing his arms, refusing to go after Sam.

"Come on, Bee, can't you see how much it looks like it? I told you I'd do anything, any you won't let me! Don't you think I should get a say?"

"No." Sam noticed the drop in Bee's tone to a dangerous low, "No, Sam. You don't understand what you would be doing. You don't understand what you would be giving up."

"I don't understand?! Why the hell not?! I  _have_ thought about this Bee, and I  _get_ it! Anything  _else_ I'm not seeing?" He tossed out sarcastically. Bee threw him a furious look, turning away.

"Obviously you don't understand me, either. I'm not doing it because I don't want you around. I'm doing it because I fucking love you too much to let you give up  _everything."_

"It's not everything-"

"Yeah, Sam, it is!" Bee was aware he was starting to yell, but didn't pause to reconsider, "For Primus's sake, Sam, there's nothing that would stay the same!" Sam always flinched a little when Bee used phrases unique to the Autobots. It made him feel that much different, feel farther away, made him feel like the gap between then was really a chasm, a void into which fell the lightyears between them, the planets that separated them, the galaxies they didn't share. "And you just can't understand that! If you don't believe me, fine, ask someone else! Ask  _anyone_ about how much you miss something like that once it's gone! Ask anyone! Maybe then you'll get it and understand that  _I'm not doing this for myself!"_

Sam didn't say anything, still couldn't. It was like they traded personalities when they fought; Sam drew into silent shock and Bee said everything he'd kept pent up. Perhaps it was a cause and effect- Bee spoke more than he had over the last couple days all at once, and Sam was startled into silence, maybe Sam's silence enraged Bee into yelling, neither knew, neither could logically think it through during a fight.

"You think I want to live without you? I won't let you give up the world for me!"

"Well, fine, Bee!" Sam found his voice again, shouting across the clearing at Bee, fists clenched, "Maybe you're saving me from making a mistake, who knows. But I'm never going to think so! I don't want you to be in that much pain later, Bee. Can't you see that I don't want you to hurt that much?"

"I won't let you sacrifice anything more for me" Bee hissed, in that entirely un-Bee-like way that always surfaced during fights, "I already fucked up as your guardian by doing all this. I'm not going to steal the little bit of lifetime you have left. You give that up to live for thousands more years! It doesn't just get added on, it changes everything."

"Goddamn it, Bee, I  _want_ to give it up!"

"I know" Bee 's voice dropped form a shout to a snarl, as Sam realized just how few times Bee had ever been so determined, so insistent, so impossible, "And I won't let you." Sam turned away, and when he glanced back, Bee was gone.

Sam heard footsteps and turned, only to see Arcee's holo waiting at the edge of the clearing. "Bee said you'd need a ride back." She said quietly. Sam just nodded, unable to speak.

It was so quintessentially Bee, looking out for Sam even when they weren't speaking.

It made Sam wonder if he'd been utterly, wholly wrong to question Bee's motives.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

At first, Optimus had disliked the human holo program, because the Bots tended to get entirely out of hand with it. (Plus, he'd gotten rather tired of nearly walking in on utterly unspeakable things) He'd come to terms with it though, and now employed the bots to improve the fine details of weaponry and technological pieces while in the holo program, due to the increased ease.

Sunstreaker had already finished refiguring hte wiring on a scanner and was sitting on the desk, watching Sideswipe swear to himself and fling things.

"Well?" he persisted. Sideswipe had just climbed up onto the desk, trying to reach the highest video screen on the wall, and didn't try to look back. "Which one?"

"I dunno." He pried at the screen's frame with a screwdriver, then swore at it and tossed it across the room. "I think..." He fished a different screwdriver out of his jeans pocket as he reached up with the other hand to try the frame again, tan skin showing as his jeans were pushed down slightly and his shirt rode up, "you're staring at me, aren't you?"

"Well..." Sunstreaker grinned, leaning back on his hands to better watch his brunette Bot, "your ass, to be exact."

"Don't you have something to do?"

"Just you."

"Single-fucking-minded-"

"You bet I am. Well? Which was your favorite?" Sunstreaker persisted. Sideswipe laughed.

"Let me think." He rose up on his toes to reach higher, "Got it. The time it was under the table during Prime's video conference with the secretary general." Sunstreaker snorted with laughter at that.

"We almost got caught that time."

"Would'a been mortifying."

"Yeah, no kidding. He'd a gotten jealous" Sunstreaker grinned, "I wouldn't want to like, share you with him. No threesomes, either." This made Sideswipe laugh so hard he nearly fell off the desk and had to hang onto the shelf to stay upright.

"So what's your favorite time, then?" he managed to ask.

"Hmmm..." Sunstreaker ran his tongue over his lip, thinking, and then suddenly brightened, "Oh, I know!" Sideswipe didn't happen to see the devious look on Sunstreaker's face. "In the store room when we were supposed to be doing inventory."

"What was so special about that? I mean, it wasn't anything-"

"Oh, yes it was." Sunstreaker smirked. "The security camera was actually recording." Sideswipe whipped around towards him, and in doing so, tumbled nearly to the ground. Sunstreaker conveniently reappeared right below, catching Sideswipe in his arms.

"It was on?!" Sideswipe spluttered. Sunstreaker nodded, still smirking.

"Did I forget to mention that to you? Darn." He dropped a kiss to Sideswipe's forehead. "It was cute how you didn't even notice that Ironhide was looking at us funny the next day."

"I thought it was a coincidence." Sideswipe protested, and Sunstreaker just laughed.

"Swipe, I love you, but for all your over thinking, you really are a ditz sometimes."

Before Sideswipe could protest again, they heard footsteps in the corridor. "Better finish whatever you were doing" Sunstreaker deposited Sideswipe on the desk unceremoniously.

"Owww. Bastard." Sideswipe picked himself back up, as Sunstreaker sauntered back to his desk to watch. "Primus, I'll never be able to so much as look at Ironhide again. I had no idea he'd seen that!"

"Who knows? Maybe he liked it." Sunstreaker laughed and ducked when Sideswipe flung a wrench at him.

"You're going to give me a spark meltdown, I swear to Primus. And so help me, I will just kill you before you can do that!"

The door to the control room opened, "Why are you killing him?" Ironhide's voice made Sideswipe choke, as Sunstreaker burst into wild laughter. "What the hell is so funny?"

"N-Nothing" Sunstreaker gasped, avoiding looking at Ironhide. Sideswipe said nothing, head against the screen, shoulders shaking.

"What the hell is wrong with you two? I was just going to ask if someone could check something in Engineering, but you know what? You're too weird to help." Ironhide shut the door again, walking away and muttering to himself about how he would never- not in a million lifetimes, never- understand the two.

"I'm gonna go help him." Sunstraeker hopped up, crossing the room to look up at Sideswipe. "You gonna be okay to finish up here?" He handed up the pliers Sideswipe pointed to.

"I'd'll be eas'r wi'out 'ou" Sideswipe said, end of the screwdriver between his teeth, as he worked with the pliers on a wire, "'onest"

"Catch ya later hten."

"Mm-hm." Sideswipe dropped one hand to caress Sunstreaker's cheek, and Sunstraeker pressed a kiss to his palm.

"I'll be expecting you"

He paused at the doorway, though, "maybe you should keep a better record of where security cameras are." He left laughing at the sight of Sideswipe nearly falling again.

Sam, meanwhile, had decided to take Bee up on his offer. Granted, it wasn't something Bee had thought he'd take seriously, but Sam was curious anyways. He hadn't spoken to Bee in two days, and he wanted to have something good to say when we went back with an apology. There was no doubt in Sam's mind that he would make up with Bee- but later, when he could have some decent argument as to why Bee should just let him stay already.

He'd gone down the list of Bots several times, trying to decide who wouldn't shoot him on the spot for asking such a potentially personal question. Ironhide was a no-go. Sam didn't want to get shot right off, as had almost happened when he'd asked a seemingly innocent question about what an 'overload' was, after hearing the other Bots talking about it. Sideswipe was likewise a no, what with how much he hated talking about how he really felt; Sam had once made the mistake of asking him whether Bots were into dating (In retrospect, Sam now saw that he couldn't have found a worse question to ask that particular Bot). The Twins Sam dismissed almost immediately; he had yet to ever get a serious answer out of them. He'd never have the guts to ask Optimus, and Ratchet, although always willing to talk, wasn't one of the bots Sam was closest to; it would feel way too much like an intrusion to ask something, if it really was as emotional as Bee claimed it to be. Arcee was a Bot Sam would never approach; there was a reason she had worked on her own more- she wasn't the most agreeable, and could get unspeakable cold when she wanted to be, which was most of the time. Sam would have seriously considered asking Jazz, who had been honest when prompted to be. He eventually settled on Sunstreaker. Sam had never asked him anything quite like this, and figured that a wild card was better than a card that marked him for death.

Sunstreaker was at the engineering complex, fiddling with what looked to Sam like a jumble of wires and bits of metal and nothing more. "Hey, Sam." He glanced up from the tabletop to offer a smile, "We broke the handcuffs. But it was entirely not my fault." He grinned devilishly, "Then again, there's something to be said for creativity."

"Way more than I wanted to know, thanks. You must be a hell of a masochist if you liked that." Sam said. Sunstreaker just gave him a suspiciously thoughtful smile. "Anyways. Totally didn't come here to talk about that."

"Really now? I'm' disappointed. What did you want to talk about, then?" He waited as Sam paced around the metal table. "What, are you trying to tell me you accidentally burned down a building or something? What is it?"

"I just had a question for you" Sam stopped his nervous pacing, standing at the other end of the table, "and you don't have to tell me. Really. I just-"

"Just tell me, Sam. It's okay." Sunstreaker urged gently. Sam sighed.

"It's just that I was sort of... arguing with Bee. And- what's with the shock?" He scowled at the look of surprise on Sunstreaker's face, "It's not like everyone else never fights."

"Of course, but-" Sunstreaker looked back down at the destroyed handcuffs, "I'm sorry. It's just a little surprising. Go on."

"Well.. he said something I was wondering about. He was talking about how it's not easy to live for such a long time, on a planet that's sort of set up for shorter lifespans. And..." Sam tried to judge how Sunstreaker would react, but apparently, Sunstreaker couldn't figure out enough of where Sam was going with the line of questioning, "And he said that Bots get attached to eras and hate it when they go. And... I just wanted to ask... if that's true?" Sunstreaker just looked at him for a few moments.

"Yes. Very true. That's all he told you?"

"Um... yeah." Sam frowned. "Why? Is there something more?" Sunstreaker bit his lip, averting his gaze. "I mean, what's it really like? He said everyone had a time..."

"Yeah" Sunstreaker's voice was painfully wistful, "you end up loving it so much, you forget it won't last. And one day, of course, an empire falls, and you realize that you're the only one left who remembers just how amazing it really was..." Sam almost wished he hadn't asked, wished he had believed Bee's warning, that asking would be tearing at old wounds that never truly healed. "One of the most painful things in the world. You want to die with the world you gave your heart to." He ducked his head, brushing away tears with one hand. "I'm sorry, Sam, I can't-"

"It's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" Sam stammered, guilt tripling at the glint of tears, "I'm really sorry." He ran straight into Sideswipe in the doorway, and got a questioning look.

"What's with you?"

"I just... yeah." Sam stammered out the vague excuse, and Sideswipe slipped by him, Sam forgotten when he saw how Sunstreaker was trembling. Sam hung back outside the doorway, as Sideswipe put his arms around Sunstreaker, whispering to him, kissing his cheek and holding him tight. The two might have fought nonstop some days, but it was obvious, from the tenderness to every touch, that they had a world more than that.

"What's wrong, Sun?" He picked his lover up and set him on the table to sit so he could see Sunstreaker's face, and as if knowing Sunstreaker wasn't going to be able to stand. "Tell me. Please." As if it wasn't already heartbreaking enough to see Sunstreaker so upset, Sideswipe was just as affected by his lover's pain.

"I just... was just talking about... about..." His voice broke and he just sobbed into Sideswipe's chest and said nothing more. Something about the pained look on Sideswipe's face made Sam certain that this wasn't the first time, wouldn't be the last, couldn't always be avoided, and that it was never any less painful.

"Greece?" Sideswipe murmured. The fact that Sideswipe could guess from the reaction alone was painfully powerful; Sam knew it wasn't just because Sideswipe knew his lover that well. "It's okay, babe."

"I miss everything" Sunstreaker whispered brokenly, "I want that all back... I miss it, I miss it so much..."

"I know, I know you do" Sideswipe's murmur was soothing, "and it's okay. I know you miss it. But you're going to be okay without it. I promise."

"No. No I'm not. I want it back, I really, really do. Does it always hurt this much? Does everyone feel like this?" He lifted his gaze to meet Sideswipe's, "Do you?" Sideswipe was speechless for a good two minutes.

"Yeah, babe. I miss it." He was silent for a few moments, "But it was different."

"Why?"

"Why?" Sideswipe echoed, smiling slightly. He dropped a kiss to the tip of Sunstreaker's nose. "Because of you, of course. I had you." Sunstreaker bit his lip, turning his face back into Sideswipe's neck, starting to cry again. Sideswipe bit his lip, rubbing his hand over Sunstreaker's back, ducking his head to whisper to him, words only Sunstreaker had ever heard, words that could have saved his heart years and years ago.

"I wish I had you when it was over..."

Bee had been right, but there was so much more to it. Sam could see that, could feel it, even as he didn't want to, even as he didn't want to accept that such a life would be harder than he even had the capacity to imagine.

Sunstreaker just sobbed, like the world was ending, because his world had.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam dove to the ground, shaking, hands over his head. "I give up! I surrender! Just don't kill me,  _please!"_

"If you insist." Tanner sighed, letting hte ping pong ball bounce against the table. "You lost. You owe me coffee."

"Yeah, yeah." Sam got back to his feet, shooting a wary look at the paddle still in Tanner's hand. "First Ironhide puts a hole in the wall with a ping pong ball, and now you want to do the same to my face. I'm not liking this new table." There was a hole straight through the wall, the size of a ping pong ball, from when Ironhide played Sideswipe.

"You should be glad it wasn't worse." Tanner grinned, setting down the paddle. "And that you don't owe me a new car or something. Wanna bet that?"

"I would like a new car..." Sam said wistfully. Tanner burst out laughing.

"WHat, did you break up with yours?" Had Bee been in the near-empty rec room, he would have been growling a very threatening "why do you sound so hopeful?!" but he was- well, Sam didn't exactly know where. He hadn't seen Bee in four days.

"Course not. I just want a car that doesn't have a mind of its own, and isn't so busy elsewhere that it can't always take me where I want. Must be nice, to have an inanimate car..."

"Dream on, Sam" Lennox appeared in the doorway connecting the rec room to the cafe, coffee in hand, "I've wanted one of those for several years, but all I've got is a car that doesn't mind ditching me when he's got something more important to do." He wandered out again, saying he was going to go see if his own car was currently available.

"So, where is your car-and-boyfriend?" Tanner asked, crossing the room to flop down on the couch and turn on the widescreen TV. Sam followed, hesitant to admit that he didn't have an answer.

"Oh, he's got stuff he has to do around the city. Engineering and all. You know. The usual." The vagueness of this made it all-too obvious to Tanner.

"So when was the last time you saw him? Last week?"  
"Four days ago, actually." Sam watched as Tanner flipped through the TV channels, spending no more than thirty seconds on each one. "we had a... um... disagreement."

"How the mighty have fallen."

"Shut up. We'll make up later."

"Unless you fight again. What would happen?" Tanner asked with a genuine, worrying curiosity. "I mean, what then?"

"We won't break up." Sam said quietly. "I know that. I wouldn't, at least. I don't... don't really know how to explain it. I just... know he's the one."

"That's called Sparkbonding." Sideswipe's voice made Tanner flinch. Sam twisted around to see Sideswipe wander in, looking distracted, like his mind was far away. "At least, assuming that's it."

"I've never... never heard of that." Sam ignored Tanner, who was sliding off the couch and discreetly heading for the door.

"You lay one hand on my Bot and I'll tear you apart" Sideswipe called out, like it was just his standard goodbye. Tanner froze.

"I swear I won't! Why won't you believe me!"

"Because you  _did!"_

"Once! Just once!" Sideswipe crossed his arms and glowered. "Okay, twice! Just twice! But I won't do it again!" Tanner frowned, "also because he told me he'd murder me."

"He knows he's too good for you."

"So why are  _you_ with him?" Tanner bolted from the room before Sideswipe could tear him to pieces.

"That little-" Sideswipe hissed under his breath, glaring after Tanner. "I may not be good enough for him, but I'm damn better than that idiot." He decided not to chase after Tanner, sitting in one of the empty armchairs instead. "So. Sam." Sam crossed his fingers and hoped he wasn't about to meet the same fate Tanner was tempting. "May I ask why you did that to him?"

"Tanner?" Sam asked hopefully. Sideswipe shook his head no, not even giving Sam the words. "I really am sorry."

"I know you are. So does he. He'd come talk to you himself, but..." Sideswipe bit his lip, "he's not up for that." That was why Sideswipe had been looking so disoriented, Sam thought, he was still worried. It never ceased to amaze him, how boundless teh couple's care for each other was, despite how they could scream and howl at each other in anger. "Just wondering why, that's all."

"I didn't know. Bee had told me, but... I didn't believe him. I thought he was just trying to talk me out of staying with him. And he said... 'ask anyone', so I... did."

"Good choice" Sideswipe said sarcastically, "ask the most emotional. That was great."

"I didn't mean to!" Sam protested, wide-eyed, "Honest! I just thought, well, who I could ask, and Ironhide would have killed me, the Twins would have like, lied or something, I didn't want to ask Ratchet or Prime, and you would have-uh-"

"Yeah. Probably wouldn't have been pleasant. Although it would have been better than most of the Bots. But definitely not fun for you, that's for sure." Sideswipe confirmed, "But how could you have known that?"

"Remember that one time? When I asked you-" Sam started slowly, and Sideswipe nodded.

"Oh, I remember that. Asking me about dating among the Bots."

"I really am sorry about that" Sam said- and a quick assessment of voice files told Sideswipe it was the two hundred and sixty-third time. "I didn't know."

"Well, how could you have? It was just... a very bad guess." Sideswipe was putting it mildly, both knew that. Sam had innocently chosen a random Bot to ask, and had happened to choose the one that hadn't dated in five hundred years because he hadn't been over the last and never would be. "And I probably shouldn't have gotten as hostile as I did" he added grudgingly, the closest thing to an apology he would ever give, "but this isn't the point. You didn't believe Bee, huh? Why were you guys talking about that?"

"I want to stay and he doesn't want me to, doesn't want me to get hurt." Sam shrugged a shoulder, eyes downcast. "That was one of the reasons, he said." Sam looked up to meet the dark eyes, "what were you saying before? Spark something?"

"Sparkbonding. Every spark has another half. Our universe is very technical; everything has a responding charge, be it opposite or the same, or anything. Like electricity, or magnets."

"Pre-destined lovers?"

"Kind of, yeah. And a Sparkmate... they're forever. You just know it, you can feel it. It's because you were made for each other."

Sam had a sinking feeling at those words.

"Don't you usually.... tell each other?"

"Yeah" Sideswipe said, as if it were perfectly obvious, "I mean, you're freakin' overjoyed to have found the one, so, yeah, you tell each other. And everyone else, too. Why exactly do you ask?"

The sinking feeling wasn't going away; instead, it felt like all the breath had been drained from his body.

"Just... Bee never.... mentioned that before..." Sam looked to Sideswipe for some sort of comfort, but Sideswipe had a worried look on his face.

"Oh. Really? Never?" Sam just nodded yes mutely. "That's... uh, that's interesting."

"Interesting like 'a sign you're doomed' interesting?"

"Not... really." Sideswipe looked uneasy. "I mean... he might... uh-" he looked up all-too quickly when someone else came into the room. "Ironhide!"

"Hi..." Ironhide flinched at the sudden, nearly shouted greeting. "What's happening?"

"I was actually gonna ask you something." Sideswipe stood, not looking at Sam, "About a, uh, security camera."

"What about 'em?"

Sam turned to watch; Ironhide looked like he was trying to figure out where Sideswipe was going with it.

"There was this thing... about... I dunno, maybe six hundred earth years ago..." Sideswipe leaned against the back of the couch, crossing his arms across his chest, "involving a store room..."

"I don-oh.  _Oh."_ Ironhide suddenly turned a crimson color, "Oh, right. That."

"Yeah. That."

Sam looked between the two, completely lost. Ironhide looked almost mortified, and Sideswipe, well, Sam would have said he was embarrassed, if he didn't look so livid.

"I just found out about it" Sideswipe said slowly, "so glad you guys both decided not to tell me."

"Honest to Primus, it was a total accident. And, y'know..." Ironhide shrugged a shoulder, "It wouldn't kill you guys to be more..." He wisely let his words trail off.

"I can't  _believe_ youv'e seen that. And didn't tell me!"

"And how was I supposed to tell you?" Ironhide fought away a smile, "'oh, hey, by the way, just saw you getting fucked in a store room'?"

"What?" Sam choked, eyes widening. Sideswipe groaned, shooting a murderous look at Ironhide, who shrugged.

"You say one damn word about it, Sam," Sideswipe spun to glare down at him, "And I will personally murder you. Understand?"

"Yeah" Sam all-but squeaked, "I understand."

Sideswipe stalked out of the room without another word. As soon as he was gone, Sam looked to Ironhide for some sort of explanation.

"I'd hoped he'd forgotten about that.." Ironhide mumbled, half to himself.

"What happened?"

"I was on monitor duty, and I guess they thought the cameras were off or something... although I swear Sunstreaker knew it. I have no idea how he found out I saw it, I ran out as soon as I saw that screen..." Ironhide shook his head, "They're just too creative, if you ask me. Or maybe love drives them crazy. Who knows. But speaking of that-"

"Of crazy or of love?"

"Same thing. Are you gonna talk to Bee anytime soon?"

"Why?" Sam leaned on the couch cushions, watching Ironhide wander to the other side of the room. As always, there were decorations up in the room, this time banners proclaiming "Happy Hot Tea Month!" Sam hadn't been aware that January was the official month of said beverage, but he'd learned a lot about holidays in his few years spent in the city. The banners were accompanied by lots of silver streamers, as well as signs that read, "NEVER Try Tea-Flavored Vodka!" and "Green Tea Yogurt Sucks" and "My Girlfriend Uses Green Tea Moisturizer Or Something Like That" and "Real Men Drink Tea." The cafe had refused to give out free tea in honor of the event.

"Because... well..." Ironhide was looking out the window at the end of the room, instead of at Sam, "He's been sulking around for the last few days. If you haven't noticed."

"I haven't seen him."

"Ah. That explains it." Ironhide sighed, "Well, to clue you in, January's become National Emotional Month."

"Why?" Sam was fairly certain this was going to be partly- if not mostly- his fault.

"Well, let's see. I know Sunstreaker had a breakdown today, for starters. And, oh, Epps is in a rage because the place where he parks just raised their rates from eighty to one hundred and twenty. Lennox is pissed off because his daughter's day care is closing and they have to find another one fast. This girl, Kate, has been in hysterics because she swears her oven is haunted. Sideswipe's obviously in a snit. Optimus is frustrated because the video screen keeps on breaking down. And you haven't exactly been Mr. Wonderful To Be Around yourself. And Bee's been snapping at anyone that talks to him, and looks like he's gonna end up going into histrionics like Sunstreaker. So if you're smart, you won't go mentioning you-know-when to him. And _that,_ my friend, is why January is National Emotional Month!"

"Oh. I, uh, I see..." Sam nodded slowly. "That's, uh.... that's nice."

"It's hell, if that's what you mean" Ironhide snorted, "You try putting up with your closest friends when they're  _all_ worked up about something or another. At least you've got some friends who aren't currently going mental."

"I do?"

"Uh, yeah you do. Me and Tanner aren't going off hte deep end this month. You should feel so lucky." No matter how many times he heard it, Sam always felt sort of privileged, that the Bots counted him as a close friend. "Then again, you do have a pissed-off Bee on your hands. So maybe you're not so lucky."

"Thanks for that" Sam said dryly. "I really, really needed to be reminded just how screwed I am."

"Don't you mean how screwed you  _aren't?_ Because I dunno about you, but usually, when a guy's pissed off his lover, he rarely ever gets any..." Ironhide laughed when Sam spluttered and choked.

"Do I wanna know?" Tanner leaned around hte doorway to the cafe. Sam shook his head no. Tanner's gaze slid over to Ironhide.

Sam recognized that look.

"Oh, hi, Ironhide" The hopeful smile made his motives all-too obvious, and Sam inwardly groaned. "What's up?"

"Nothing..." Ironhide arched an eyebrow. "Uh... what about you?"

"Nothing" Tanner was entirely too energetic. "So, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure..." Ironhide's unease was obvious. Sam covered his face with his hands and sank back into the couch.

"Really?" Tanner beamed.

"Uh... sure. Why not?" Ironhide said, even as Sam waved his arms and tried to signal for him to say  _no._

" _You_ don't have a super possessive lover, right?"

"Uh. No." Ironhide didn't seem to have made the connection, even as Sam groaned aloud and pressed a couch pillow over his face in a hope to just smother himself.

"So... that means you're single?" Tanner was stepping past the thin ice onto the water itself in hopes of staying afloat.

"I suppose, logically, yes." Ironhide frowned. "But why in the world are you asking?"

Tanner looked a little discouraged at how disappointingly dense Ironhide was being.

"Look, if you're done with the interrogation here, I have stuff to do."

He bid them both goodbye and left the room.

"Damn but that guy is oblivious..." Tanner mumbled, sulking out of the room. Sam flopped back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. His thoughts refused to be silenced, the sounds of the past week continuing to whirl in his mind until he couldn't escape them, like all he was breathing was those heart-wrenching sounds.

Those words, their insistence, the crushing finality.

Sunstreaker's sobs.

Bee's screaming.

Screaming that he wouldn't let Sam stay.

The silence whispered in words he'd never said, words to slip into the fractures of Sam's heart and freeze, widening scars, never letting them heal.

Not saying he wouldn't let Sam stay because they weren't Sparkmates, not saying that.

But meaning it.


	22. Chapter 22

"What the hell are you scheming?" Sam crossed his arms and looked down at Tanner. Tanner was sprawled out on the grass alongside the university, book open and most surely unread.

"What makes you think I'm scheming something?" Tanner asked, as Sam flopped down on the grass beside him.

"Because you haven't gone after Sunstreaker  _or_ Sideswipe since you beat me at ping pong last month. And that's just not  _natural_ for you!"

"You still owe me coffee." Tanner commented, and Sam just sighed. "So maybe I am scheming. Can you blame me?"

"Well, you sure are headed for certain death."

"You don't know that." Tanner rolled his eyes. "He very well could be different from those two. He doesn't have a psychotic lover, for instance. Are they all that possessive?"

"Yeah..." Sam trailed off.

"So how come yours hasn't gotten over here and snapped at me yet? I mean, where even  _is_ he?" Tanner asked, then groaned. "Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say-"

"It's fine." Sam stared up at the cloudy sky, "I don't know where he is. We haven't spoken in a month." That month had been such a shame, such a waste of too-precious time. Already they had so little time- he hated that they were tossing away an entire month.

But every time Sam went to apologize, he'd remember.

And he'd walk away.

"Who's  _that?"_ Tanner had, mercifully, moved on to another topic. He was sitting up and staring at the Hanger, just barely visible from their side of the university. Sam squinted at the hanger, seeing several Bots. Bee he recognized with barely a conscious thought, of course. With him was Sideswipe, and a red and white Bot that Sam knew he'd never seen before.

"I dunno..." He could have just run over and asked, but found himself sorting out another method instead. _When did it come to this,_ he wondered dully,  _it's just not right._ "I'll go find out."

He located the pickup truck and found Ironhide at the weaponry complex, doing more procrastinating than actual working. When Sam presented him with the question, he looked bewildered. "What do you mean, who was that?" He tossed aside the wrench he'd been holding, all-too welcome for the distraction.

"There was a Bot I'd never seen before."

"Oh. I heard someone came to us a couple weeks ago. Haven't got a chance to meet them, they've been too busy talking with Optimus and all. Something about being chief tactician or something. Don't really know." He crossed the room to the open garage-like door. "Where?"

"At the Hanger" Sam followed to stand beside him. "See?" The Hanger was closer to the weaponry building than the university was, offering them a clearer view of the Autobots. "That Bot." He indicated the Bot talking to Sideswipe and Bee.

"Oh" Ironhide sounded more stunned than Sam could imagine the reason for. "That's- that's, uh-"

"What, a con in disguise? Who is that?" Sam asked. Ironhide turned away, going back to the worktable.

"That's Prowl. He was with us a long, long time ago, back on Cybertron. He was there when the security camera incident happened, but ran from the room before Sunstreaker could rage at him. Lucky bastard."

"And...?" Sam threw his hands up when Ironhide didn't offer any more information, "And?!"

"And... uh.." Ironhide kept his back to Sam, "And I knew him."

"Knew him how?" It was like pulling teeth, honestly.

"Me? Who said I knew him?" Ironhide shot him a look; Sam had never  _seen_ him so defensive.

" _You_  did!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes! Yes you did! Just a second ago!"

"No. You're mistaken."

"No!" Sam put his hands over his face, "Damn it, if I had a sound file saving thing, I'd use it! You  _did!_ " He wondered if heaving a wrench at Ironhide's head would help him remember, but decided against it. Ironhide would probably beat him with the metal table if he tried that.

"Sorry, Sam. Wish I could help." With that smug remark, he headed out, and Sam swore he heard the Bot snickering.

"Get back here!" He ran after, but didn't have to go far. Tanner had caught Ironhide and was talking merrily, about something Ironhide clearly couldn't follow. "Hi, Tanner." Sam shot Ironhide a glare. "And  _you-"_

"I was just telling Tanner" Ironhide gave him that charmer's smile- more aptly named  _lying cheater's_ smile- "That we should do something together."

"Really?" Sam asked, as Tanner echoed the same.

"Totally." Oh, Sam did  _not_ trust that smile, not one bit. "Hide and seek. You guys go hide."

"Awesome. C'mon Sam" Tanner grabbed Sam by the elbow and dragged him back towards the University before Sam could resist.

"You know he's just playing us, right?" Sam asked, stumbling over a crack in the sidewalk. Tanner shrugged.

"I like it." Tanner had dragged him across the grass- the other students didn't even bother to stare, they'd all grown too used to the strange behaviors of everyone even remotely involved with the Bots- and up to the row of hedges. "Back here." He yanked Sam around the hedges, running alongside the building and around the corner that left the wall to line a group of trees. "He coming yet?"

"I really can't believe you." Sam let Tanner pull him down to crouch behind the hedges, leaves and twigs scratching at his arms, "You know what we're  _really_ playing, don't you?"

"What?" Sky-blue eyes turned to him, filled with perfect bewilderment. Sam groaned.

"This sure isn't hide and seek," Sam shook his head, hand over his face, "Not even close." He pawed at the branches to try and make a hole to see through.

"What? D'you think he'd cheat and be in his Bot-"

Before Tanner could so much as finish his sentence, the hedge not six feet from them  _exploded_  with a shock of orange light. Some of the students around screamed, but most just sighed and shook their heads.

"What the hell are we playing?!" Tanner hissed, staring at the smoldering ground, wide-eyed.

"You should have asked that sooner" Sam muttered, pulling Tanner by the wrist to crawl back along the hedge, "it isn't hide and seek .It's more like  _Hide Will Shoot._ "

"No fair! That is no fuckin' fair! He can't shoot us! What if we  _die!"_

"Yeah" Sam took a quick look around the hedge, and caught sight of Ironhide, Bot-form, starting towards the med centre, "that's why we have to win." Much as he didn't want to, he started sprinting for the Hanger. Luck was with him-  _luck?_ his mind hissed, cruel and biting like neither of them had ever been,  _it's luck, that you won't see your lover?_ If he could still be called that. Bee wasn't by the door they were sprinting for; the Camaro was around the far end of the Hanger with Mudflap, inspecting yet another hole in the ceiling. Sideswipe and Skids were by the door, with Prowl. All three stared as Sam and Tanner careened past them, panting heavily from the long dash across the runway, and skidded around the corner.

"What the  _hell_ are you guys doing?" It was amusing, really, to see the look of terror on Tanner's face when Sideswipe spoke. He'd been scared of the Bot in his holo form; Bot-form, Sam was worried that Tanner was going to pass out.

"Playing hide and seek" Sam whispered, looking around the door quickly, "Don't tell Ironhide we're here."

"Sounds like a dangerous game" Sideswipe snorted, looking across the runway for Ironhide. " _Hey!"_ he yelled, apparently seeing something they didn't,  _"Hide!"_

"Ohshitohshitohshit- don't  _call_ him over here!" Tanner had finally grasped the stakes of the game, Sam realized with some degree of satisfaction, as he pulled Tanner away from the wall to hide behind the stack of boxes that were temporarily residing in the hanger.

"Man, yo gonna get your asses  _whipped"_ Skids contributed, cheerful as ever. Sam growled.

"Shut up before he  _hears_  you."

"Can I… ask something?" Prowl asked tentatively. Sideswipe nodded. "Who are you even  _playing_ with? They sound like…"

"A violent psychopath? Yeah, that's  _exactly_ what he is…" Tanner grumbled from behind the stack of boxes. Sam peeked around a box to watch.

"That sounds like-" Prowl was saying, voice soft, and Sideswipe nodded again.

"Yeah." He confirmed something neither had spoken of. Prowl said nothing more. Sam could only assume he'd said something straight into the mind of one of his companions, because Sideswipe then spoke out loud.

"Yeah. Yeah he might." He said thoughtfully. Prowl shrugged a shoulder. "Man, how the hell should I know if he did or not?"

There was an odd noise for a fraction of a second- like  _fssst-_ and then-  
 _BAM._

Tanner yelped aloud when something outside on the runway exploded.

"Not a'fuckin' _gain,_ Hide!" Sideswipe groaned, sounding so exasperated that it couldn't have been the first time.

"I thought they might be here." Ironhide's voice. Sam peered between two boxes to see a sliver of the scene before their hiding place. Ironhide looked at Prowl for a second. "Hi Prowl…"

"Hey." Prowl's quiet voice was even softer now. Ironhide said nothing. "Did you ever…"

"What?" Ironhide asked, almost too quickly. Prowl looked away.

"Nothing. Never mind." He receded back into silence. Ironhide made an excuse to leave then, to look for Sam and Tanner.

"So, how good are you at the holo program?" Sideswipe asked, as if he hadn't noticed the tension. Prowl held up a hand in a little questioning gesture.

"Okay."

Sideswipe's holo appeared, standing before the boxes, waiting to be impressed or outdone.

"Show me."

"If you want."

Their conversation pulsed of familiarity, with the faintest echo of the first time Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had spoken again. Like even years upon years apart couldn't erase that ease that came from repetition and a return to comfortable ways.

"Get on with it."

The holo appeared before them, and, just as Sam had suspected, had looks to rival Sideswipe's. Dark grey eyes with long lashes, dark brunette with a cut that would have let him blend into the military with ease, a creamy, almost pale complexion, and a thin, lithe build that Sam knew was masking immense strength; he wore a dark grey jacket, darker than his eyes, over dark jeans.

"Satisfied?" A sly little smile appeared on his unfairly handsome face. Sideswipe rolled his eyes.

"Neurotic-bot." He muttered under his breath, holo vanishing.

"Hey" Tanner poked Sam in the arm, calling Sam's attention away from the Bots. "Can we find a better hiding place? I'm scared he's gonna find us…"

"Sure." He and Tanner snuck away from the Hanger.

Sam hated how much care he took to avoid Bee on the way out.

xxxxxxxxxx

It turned out that wasn't going to be the only time Sam wanted to choke Ironhide. Sam had lost count of how many times he'd run into- literally- Ironhide in the past week since they'd spoken to Prowl for the first time.

"Ow!"

"Sorry" Ironhide sheepishly offered a hand to Sam to help him off the floor. "I was just... uh.."

"Running away from Prowl again?" Sam took the proffered hand and stood. "Honestly, you've been doing that every single day."

"I'm not  _running away_ form him" Ironhide scowled down at him.

"Yeah? Have you talked to him even once?" This earned him a deathly glare.

"Why should I have?" Ironhide's scowl darkened, "I mean, it's not like he's spoken to me. He's been hanging out with Bee all week-"

"He has?"

"Yeah, nonstop. So why the hell should I talk to him? I-" He froze in midsentence when he noticed Sam's expression, "I mean, uh, not  _nonstop-"_

"Nonstop. So why won't you talk to him?"

"No reason." He wasn't listneing, though. "Hear them? Talking." He indicated the closed door behind them.

"Yo'ure eavesdropping?" Sam hissed. Ironhide shrugged. Sam put his ear to the door, and frowned. The strains of the conversation could just barely be heard- it meant nothing to Sam, that staicky, electronic-sounding language.

"YOu want a translation or not?"

"It's Cybertronian.."

"Uh-huh. Here." He handed Sam what looked like a PDA, that materialized out of nowhere. "Translator Lennox uses." Sam looked down, read a few words.

Bee: ----long time---

"Why isn't it a whole sentence?"

"It's what I hear. So shut up and let me listen." Sam looked back down at the screen.

Bee: ---almost--

Prowl: I still love--

Bee: I know you do.

"They're talking too quietly to hear everything" Ironhide explained, scowling. "Why couldn't it have been Sideswipe and Sunstreaker we wanted to eavesdrop on? They're always screaming."

"You could hear them from across the street.."

"Yeah. But  _noooo,_ it just  _had_ to be  _these_ two…" Ironhide's scowl darkened.

Prowl: Don't you have a lover?

Bee: I don't know. Did.

Prowl: Not anymore?

Bee: ----can't stand to think about it--- fault--- it can't work, not like---

Prowl: -----------different--- so then you think we could--

Bee: Yes.

Sam wished he could understand the spoken words themselves. He had no way of knowing, no way of understanding, anything but what he saw on the screen before him. COuldn't tell the emotion when all he saw was fractions of sentences.

Prowl: We've been apart a long time.

Sam looked up at IRonhide, who was staring down at the floor. The devastation was always so striking on the faces of the Bots when they were in holo form. It was the pure beauty that made it so much more heartbreaking. Ironhide looked like he was waiting for a photographer to take a photo to show people what they wanted to be, but no photographer would want such a look of sorrow, none in the world.

Bee: ------- missed you. More than anything.

Sam bit his lip. He was chained to the words before him. He wanted to stop hearing, stop reading- he didn't want to know it when Bee told Prowl words he hadn't been able to say.

Prowl: ------we're Sparkmates. What do we do? What could we do?

He didn't want to hear Bee's answer, never, never. It was the answer Sam had so longed for, the one that could have changed both their lives, the one Bee wouldn't give, would rather leave than give- he couldn't give it away to someone else, he  _couldn't,_ not when it was the only thing in the world Sam wanted, not when it was the only thing that could have saved him, he just  _couldn't-_

Bee: Stay together.

Sam stared down at the screen, but it remained blank. Beside him, Ironhide was hissing something in Cybertronian, angry, bitter, and when he stalked off, the translator vanished out of Sam's hands. The words continued, words that brought tears to Sam's eyes, words that could have been the ones he wanted, more than  _anything,_ to hear from his Bee, but no- Sam forced away tears, wished he could do the same with the crushing despair.

He wasn't Sam's Bee anymore.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

By Monday a few weeks later, Sam was relieved to get an excuse to leave the city on his own. The Bots were driving him crazier than usual over the past week. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had resumed their kinky games; Skids and Mudflap had taken delight in playing "Tag" with him, and although they didn't seem to care, it was dangerous from Sam's side of it; Ironhide had been strangely evasive all week, partially on the subject of Prowl, who Sam was now convinced had to be some old rival; Prowl himself was quiet and didn't answer any questions and was driving Sam  _crazy_ with how meticulous he could be; Ratchet had discovered some ancient medical text, and was mistaken in his belief that Sam had extreme interest in memorizing old medical procedures; Bumblebee, of course, was still not speaking to him, and hadn't in two months, and that was perhaps the worst thing of all.

Sam usually didn't adore going to his parents' parties, but it was his father's birthday, and it was a great opportunity to escape the trying Bots.

The only problem was finding a car that didn't moonlight as an Autobot.

For this, he found Tanner. As had become his habit, he was in the engineering complex, talking Ironhide's ear off. Ironhide looked grateful to see Sam.

"Hey, guys."

"Sam!" Ironhide had never sounded so happy to see him. "Whatcha doing?"

"Just came to see Tanner."

"Yeah?" Tanner managed to tear his gaze from Ironhide for a moment to look at Sam. "What's up?" As soon as Ironhide saw that Tanner was distracted, his holo vanished, and the pickup truck engine roared outside.

"You've got a car here, right?"

"Yeah" Tanner arched an eyebrow, "And so do you." Sam shrugged a shoulder. "Want to borrow mine?"

"Have to go back home for the weekend. My dad's birthday."

"And you're going by yourself?"

"Well..." Sam paused, "I was going to..." _going to what_ , his mind hissed at him,  _ask Bee?_  "See if you wanted to come?"

"Sounds cool. Not like I've got anything better to do." He swept am arm across to indicate the empty room, "Obviously."

Tanner was easy to spend time with, even if his every move made Sam compare him to Bee.

Why was it that everything forced him to see how agonizing it was to live without Bee?

It almost felt like he was trespassing on memories.

Tanner was standing before the garage, waiting while Sam got his present for his dad-a bottle of red wine and an aerator -out of the backseat. "Man, your house is hard to find. I couldn't have found it on my own, not even armed with a map and GPS." Sam winced at how Bee had once said almost the exact same thing.

_"I got lost so many times getting here. Why do you live in such a confusing place?"_

It was like the frequency in Sam's mind was keyed to hear Bee's words, even when he wasn't there, even when he hadn't spoken in two months, even when he was silent, even when he was gone.

"Yeah, I've heard that before." Sam pretended he hadn't been thinking about Bee. "C'mon, let's go inside."

The party started off just as Sam thought it would- his mother thrilled to bits to see him, his father griping, "Judy, I am too old for birthday parties!" and his mom replying, "You're too old to whine, too!", and a constant barrage of questions from his parents' friends about his school, what his job was, where he was living, if he'd met any nice girls lately, why he hadn't brought his nice car, who his friend was, and he really should let his mother dress him again because his shirt didn't match his shoes.

There was one thing, however, that Sam had completely  _not_ expected.

"Hey, ex-boyfriend." How was it possible that she was even more beautiful than when he'd left two years ago? Just as possible, Sam figured, as it was that he could simply not be attracted to her.

"Hi, Mikaela." She hugged him, saving him from thinking what to do next, as they moved into a corner of the room to talk without being run into by people. "How've you been?"

"Good. Going to school so I can take over my dad's shop. Taking care of my pet 'con." Small smile. Shared memory. "What about you? How's the city?"

"It's nice. Studying under Lennox as ambassador between the Bots and the military." He knew the look in those blue eyes. She wasn't getting the answer she wanted.

"That's good. Where's Bee?" Expectant tone. Knowing look. How could she know, he wondered, was he that readable?

"He's, uh... he's not here."

"Yeah, I kind of noticed." She rolled her eyes. "What's up between you guys?"

Tanner, of course, in a stunning display of his cringe-worthy timing, showed up then.

"Hi, Sam."

"Who's this?" Mikaela's eyes widened. "Oh, dear God, Sam, don't tell me-"

"Now why does she instantly assume something terrible?" Tanner frowned, sky blue eyes reflecting his pout, "What am I, some sort of harbinger of doom?"

"this is Tanner" Sam gestured towards the blonde, "Just a friend."

"Three most painful words in the English language." Tanner grinned. "And you are?"

"Mikaela. Nice to meet you. I think I've heard about you" She sounded distracted, and, sure enough, her gaze flickered back to Sam, "so..."

"Bee and I are having some... issues." Sam looked away so he wouldn't have to see the shock on her face, "I'm not sure if we're together right now or not."

"Oh. I'm sorry..." He'd never wanted to need that sort of sympathy, not concerning him and Bee, he'd never wanted to have the sort of relationship people cringed for. "What happened?"

"Had a fight." Sam glanced over at Tanner, who was pretending like he wasn't intensely interested, "about how there's a way I can stay with him."

"Live for thousands more years? Heavy stuff..." She nodded, face a mask of sympathy, "And you can't do it or something?"

"No, I could... he just... won't let me." Sam was unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice, "Doesn't want me to do that for him."

"Why not? He seemed to love you a lot."

"He just doesn't want me to stay." Sam shrugged a shoulder. "We haven't really spoken since."

"So what's he been doing?"

"I don't know. Hanging out with Prowl a lot. Not sure really."

"So-" Mikaela started, but then Sam's mother swept in on them.

"Well, hello, kids! Oh, I see you met Sam's new friend, Mikaela" She beamed at them, "Gosh, you two should get together!" Tanner looked slightly mortified, and Mikaela forced a smile.

"The house really looks great, Mrs. Witwicky. Did you redo the color scheme in here?"

"Oh, you're so sweet to notice! Sam here didn't see a thing-" She swatted her son in the shoulder, "Blind as a bat when it comes to color. I went with a nice warm reddish color in here, it matches the color in the kitchen. The blue we had before didn't quite match."

"I agree. It really is beautiful, the warmer tones."

Sam's mother wandered off after a brief talk about color, and Sam hoped Mikaela would have forgotten what they'd been talking about before.

"So-" She hadn't. "He was doing it because he didn't want you? Ouch." She made a sympathetic face, "Sorry." Sam frowned. It sounded so... so harsh, when someone else said it. It was so impossible to believe that Bee would do that.

"He said it wasn't because of that." It wasn't exactly a vote of confidence, but Sam couldn't quite bring himself to just not defend Bee. It was like an instinct to protect him.

"You believe him?"

"Yeah. I do." Sam frowned. "He said it was because it would hurt me if he did."

"and you believed that."

"I... I do now, yeah" Had she always been this depressing? "I mean, how could I not? He was obviously..." _heartbroken,_ his mind murmured, too late, always too late, "He meant it."

"Okay" Mikaela arched an eyebrow, "You're telling me that he won't let you stay with him,  _because_ he loves you?"

"That's exactly why. He said so. And I believe him." Sam hated how this had suddenly become the singularly _most important thing_ in the universe, to make Mikaela believe him. God, but he hated that dubious look on her face.

"Sam, he's not letting you stay with him. And you think it's because he loves you? Not because he's planning to get with Prowl?"

"What kind of a jerk do you think he  _is?"_ Sam forced himself to keep from shouting, seeing as a passing guest gave them a questioning look and pointedly avoided their corner, "Dammit, Mikaela, he's above that. He wouldn't lie to me like that."

"So you actually think he's doing this out of love? You trust him that much?"

" _Yes_ I trust him! Why don't you get this? I trust him. I believe him. And it's not like it's easy for him to be doing this, either!"

"Sure it's not" Mikaela rolled her eyes, "All he did was tell you he's going to let you die someday and not do a thing to stop it."

"It's not like that" Sam hissed, "You didn't see him, hear what he said. God, it felt like I was killing him when I told him I didn't believe him. He meant it. And it's not like it was some easy decision, either, it hurt him. A _lot."_

"He's letting you  _die,_ Sam."

It was exactly what he'd been thinking, what he'd refused to admit he'd been feeling, but hearing it now, exposed to the air, now, he could see how  _wrong_ he was. It was all he'd been thinking, but there was so much more to consider, so much he'd refused to take into account. Now that it was his theory standing alone, it was heartless to try and forget that what he was hating Bee for had broken  _both_ their hearts, had made Bee cry and scream at him, had been- why couldn't he see it before? why now, now that it was too _late?-_ the hardest thing Bee could have made himself swear to do.

And Sam had hated him for it. Had made him suffer for it.

"I'd be getting off easy" Sam clenched his jaw and again resisted the inclination to raise his voice, "He's sacrificing everything to keep me from doing that. And I can't get him to see that we'd both be better of if I gave it all up and not him. But he's not letting me die, he's letting  _himself_ die."

"Whatever you say, Sam." Mikaela shook her head with a little shrug of her shoulders that truly  _infuriated_ Sam.

"It's  _true"_ he insisted, scowling, "I believe him."

"But  _why?"_

'Because!" Sam threw his hands into the air in frustration, "I  _love_ him!"

That being said, he stalked off. Tanner went to follow, but paused and approached Mikaela.

"Why did you do that?"

She smiled.

"What kind of bitchy ex-girlfriend do you think I am? I know he loves Bee. He came here angry at Bee."

"And you just made it worse." Tanner said tentatively.

"No" Another cool smile, "He convinced me he loves Bee. And, beacuse he did that, reminded himself that he does." She shrugged, flipping her dark hair over her shoulder, "Bet you anything they'll make up soon."

Tanner just stared.

"But- so you- but- that-" He looked in the direction Sam had gone, then back at her. "Woah. Smart. You're not just looks, are you?"

"That's the problem with looking good" Mikaela sighed, "People automatically assume you're a ditz sometimes."

"I didn't-"

"I'd say you could make it up to me, but I get the feeling Sam's got a better chance than I do."

"Yeah" Tanner grinned apologetically, "although I don't hit on him anymore."

"Bee threatened to kill you?"

"Maybe" Tanner said defensively, "How'd you guess?"

"Simple. I dated Sam. Bee got all passive-psycho-aggressive on me. Broke my ankle once." She shrugged. "Kind of hard to blame him for getting jealous, I guess"

"I swear all the Bots are like that."

"Who'd you piss off?"

"Who  _didn't_ I piss off, more like. You met Sunstreaker yet?" he asked, and Mikaela shook her head no, "well, he's got this gorgeous holo form. But he's not single, not at  _all._ He's Sideswipe's lover from hundreds of years ago."

"So  _that's_ why he nearly killed Sam that one time." Mikaela mused; she elaborated, seeing Tanner's bewildered look, "he asked Sideswipe why the Bots don't date. I guess that was a mistake."

"He asked that? Shit, I can't believe Sam's still breathing" He spotted something over Mikaela's shoulder and made a face. "Hey, I'm gonna go find Sam. His mom's over there and I don't really want her.. y'know..."

"Trying to match us up again?" Mikaela giggled, "Yeah, I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that."

"I'd like to say mine wouldn't either, but I don't have one" Tanner grinned sheepishly. "No luck so far with the Bots, that's for sure."

"Pretty blonde like you? I find that hard to believe."

"They're all territorial. Or oblivious."

"Why don't you go for a human instead?" Mikaela glanced over her shoulder to ensure that they were still safe from Sam's mom for at least a few more seconds, "You're in Lennox's team, right?"

"Yup."

"Okay. You can't tell him I told you, but there's this guy in your team I used to hang out with when I went with Sam to the Bots' old hanger," Mikaela almost smiled at how excited Tanner looked at this, "his name's Chris Nelson."

"Oh, I know him" Tanner grinned, "Haven't seen him lately beacuse he's been working on a masters' degree, but he's usually around."

"Yeah. He thinks you're hot." Mikaela still found the memory adorable; soft-spoken Chris had taken a good deal of coaxing and cadjoling to admit that bit of information. "So talk to him."

"Wow. That's awesome. You're the best!" He took off before Sam's mom could swoop down on them, running to follow Sam.

Extensive searching found Sam out in the garage alone, staring at the empty space.

"What're you seeing there?" Tanner asked softly. Sam said nothing, and Tanner just hugged him, telling him without words that everything would be fine, that whatever he was seeing would someday come back.

Even if it never would.

Sam blinked back tears, looking over Tanner's shoulder at the empty space. Maybe if he looked long enough, it would all come back. He almost wished he hadn't realized how wrong he was.

Knowing why Bee had left didn't make it any easier to accept that he wouldn't be coming back.

The empty place before him blurred, but didn't go away. The emptyness would never go away.

"I'm seeing Bee...."


	23. Chapter 23

Sparkmates.

Sometimes Prowl wondered if it was more of a burden than the blessing so many Bots claimed it to be. He'd been tossing the word around in his mind for the past two hours. Inventory checking was a dull job, and, unfortunately, offered a lot of opportunity to think. He'd been conned into the job, no doubt about it- Skids had claimed Prowl needed to practice with his holo program, shoved the assignment at him, and took off. The fact that Prowl was entirely adept with the program didn't seem to matter, neither did the fact that there was a reason he was never assigned to inventory; it always took him entirely too long. The other Bots tended to get frustrated with him. Sometimes violently.

Prowl sighed, reaching out to readjust the four-high stack of boxes so all the corners lined up. The third box wasn't the same size, and the corner fell short of where it should have matched up with the others. Prowl scowled down at it, then turned to find an empty box, thoughts wandering away again.

There was no good way to go about fixing the situation. He could just  _tell_ the Bot, that was always an option. Although, admittedly, Prowl hadn't been able to tell him the last time they'd been near each other, so there was no logical reason he would suddenly have the ability to now. The last time they'd been together had been about three hundred years ago. Prowl had been offered an assignment he'd known very well would take a handful of centuries- following a lead on the Decepticon energy sources, into another collection of planets- and the day before he'd left, he'd almost said it. He'd been closer than he'd been in his life to telling that Bot that he just  _knew_ they wren Sparkmates, that he felt it and wanted to do something about it.

He hadn't said anything, of course. Prowl had spent most of that day avoiding him.

He wished he hadn't. But what else was he to have done?

There had been a few times, however, where he'd been almost as close. They'd discussed the concept of Sparkmates before. Several times, and every single time, he'd almost said it, almost ended one of those sentences about Sparkmates with an innocent, "and you're mine." But he never had. How could he have? He'd never been anything but quiet and submissive. He would have about died if he'd been told that it was one-sided.

He located an empty box, and took the offending box out of the stack, to empty its contents into the appropriately sized box.

Still. Still, he should have said something. Showing up unexpectedly hadn't exactly done their relationship- what little there was left of it, what little there ever was of it- any good. He'd hoped they'd still be friends, but the dynamics had shifted a little. He wasn't quite sure where he stood with the Bot.

He still wasn't sure whether or not he liked knowing who his Sparkmate was. Sure, it saved him from committing himself to the wrong Bot, but- but knowing, and also knowing it wasn't reciprocated- well, not _knowing,_ he counseled himself, but being entirely too certain- it wasn't preferable. His feelings weren't reciprocated, and now he knew that there really was no one else for him. He'd almost rather not know this was  _the Bot,_ almost rather be fooled into thinking he wasn't losing the only one he'd ever want.

And the chances that he was still single? They were practically nonexistent. They'd spent time together before, Prowl had seen, first-hand, the way his- no, not his, not really- Bot turned heads. There was just… Prowl didn't exactly know. Something about him. Prowl wanted it. And so did everyone else.

The new box fit into the stack much better, Prowl saw with satisfaction. He moved on to the next stack of four; things were taking longer than usual. Two hours for four stacks of boxes was an all-time high. Usually he took half an hour less. He stopped himself from calculating the average time spent on each box and comparing the two instances, refocusing his attention back on the task at hand; this stack wasn't the same height as the others. It always made him cringe whenever anyone else did this job- which was most of the time- everyone else was so careless, Bee and Ironhide in particular. Both had the tendency towards the stack-and-shove system, ticking off the checklist boxes with a hurried hand, and the shunting the entire collection into the corner and running out of the room, onto other things before they'd even left.

"Dear Primus, you're only that far?" Sideswipe sounded half amused. Prowl didn't turn towards him, intent on lining up the four boxes.

"Don't you have something better to do?"

"No." Sideswipe strolled over, "Sunstreaker's busy."

"That explains it. Don't tell me you guys are still taking what anyone says and-"

"Oh, you bet we are." Sideswipe reached over and nudged one of the boxes to the left. Prowl shot him a look and slapped his hand away, then fixed the box Sideswipe had offset. "Neurotic-bot."

"Shut up."

"You think you'd be nice to me. I came here to give you a message and everything." Sideswipe sighed. "I'm just not appreciated."

"No. You're not."

"Thanks a lot. I was going to tell you that he's been kind of looking for you.-OW!" He snatched his hand away from the box Prowl had just set down on top of it.

"Sorry. Kind of?"

"Yeah, kind of. Fragging... what the hell's in that box?!"

"Metal for repairs and stuff. Kind of?" Prowl persisted, setting the box back down and readjusting it, even as Sideswipe glowered at him.

"I can't believe you can still drive me crazy after all this time."

"It's a gift.  _Kind of?"_

"Listen, Neurotic-Bot, you've spent way too much time in here." Sideswipe latched onto his arm and dragged him out the door, "and if you fix that Primusdamned box one more time, I'll choke you!"

"Great. Where are we going?" Prowl squirmed in a failed attempt to get back at the boxes.

"Nowhere. You just have to give up that job."

"You would be the world's worst therapist" Sunstreaker's voice cut in. "I'll take over this, Prowl. You should go talk to him."

"I don't... really... want to."

Sunstreaker tugged the clipboard out of Prowl's hands.

"Go talk to him. Or at least, go find him and let him talk to you."

The possible paths the conversation could take started streaming through Prowl's mind, as technical as always. There was a forty percent chance that he would be angry Prowl had left for three hundred years without telling him. Twenty percent chance that he wouldn't want to talk to Prowl at all. Ten percent chance that he would want to be friends again. Ten percent chance that he would want to start over. Seven percent unknown.

Two percent he'd listen to what Prowl had to say.

One percent he'd like hearing it.

This seemed like a permissible idea to Prowl.

"Okay." He drew in a breath. "I'll go find him." Sunstreaker beamed at him; Sideswipe rolled his eyes and shooed him off down the hallway. Prowl hadn't gone ten steps before he heard the door close and a muffled howl, and the distinct sound of boxes falling.

Primusdammit it. They'd messed up his boxes.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"This is pathetic. Why don't you get a life?" The only response Sam got from Tanner was a sharp elbow in the side and a harsh shushing.

"I want to figure out if she was telling the truth before I make a fool of myself." Tanner hissed back, and Sam rolled his eyes.

"You couldn't pick a better hiding spot?"

"What the hell's wrong with here?" Many things, if Sam were to think about it. The new couch in the rec room was high off the ground; he and Tanner were huddled beneath it, and Sam was finding the space cramped and not comfortable in the slightest. Next time they got a new couch, he was voting for one it was impossible to hide under.

"It's sort of pathetic." Sam grinned, "and Epps called it unmanly."

"Yeah, well" Tanner snorted, "The manliest thing I ever did was join the special ops team, and that's where it ends. Although technically, the manliest thing I ever  _did_ was that guy-"

"Shut  _up,_ I'm  _beg-ging_ you."

"Yeah, so did he."

"Shut up!" Sam smacked him in the shoulder, and Tanner laughed until the dust made him cough. "Where the hell is this guy? I can't see anything from under here."

"There's someone" Tanner shushed him. "I see shoes. Who is that?"

"Great hiding place. You can't even tell who it is." Sam rested his forehead against the hardwood floor.

"Who's that, you think?" Tanner poked him until Sam looked. Something in him twisted. He knew those sneakers.

"That's Bee." Bee was wandering back and forth, restless for reasons Sam couldn't ask.

"And that?" Tanner mouthed, barely breathing voice into the words. Someone was sitting in the armchair next to their hiding place, and Sam saw the hems of dark jeans and sneakers that were a lot nicer than Bee's torn-up skater shoes. Black, pure white laces, and the un-scuffed white cap over the toe. Classic, and totally pristine. Sam groaned inwardly.

"Prowl." Listening closer, he could hear that they were talking, but much.

"Everyone thought you weren't coming back." Bee said slowly, "figured you'd died..." Prowl was silent after this for some time.

"You guys have lost a lot of Bots recently..." He sighed heavily. "Couldn't have gone over well."

"Yeah. First Sunstreaker, then you, and then Jazz. It's... been pretty hard. Everyone's lost someone special."

"I didn't... really think of it that way."

"Mmm. It's true. Sideswipe lost Sunstreaker, that more than killed him. Jazz was one of Ironhide's closest friends. And-"

"And you" It wasn't a question, not really.

"I haven't... technically..." Bee shrugged a shoulder. "It's not the same as losing someone forever."

"Yeah." Prowl was silent again. "Sideswipe must have been overjoyed to have Sunstreaker come back."

"It was pretty amazing. Like he was suddenly himself again. And they could just... find their old ways again, just like that, like they'd never really been apart."

"Do you think...that we could do that?" Prowl asked, voice tentative. Bee stopped his pacing for a moment. Sam felt something twist and burn inside him, a last, desperate plea.

"Yes."

Sam wasn't completely useless when it came to understanding Cybertronian, so when Tanner asked for a translation of what Bee said next, it wasn't confusion that kept Sam from answering immediately.

"He said 'missed you'."

"Oh." Tanner looked down, then moved to whisper into Sam's ear so the others in the room couldn't hear, "Honest, Sam, it didn't seem like he'd had someone before you. Swear to God, he loved you and only you." How he knew that Sam needed the comforting was beyond Sam's comprehension, but he was grateful.

"Three hundred years is a long time. He could've just given up on Prowl."

"Sideswipe didn't give up on his boyfriend." Tanner pointed out.

"Yeah. but look where we are now." Sam sighed. "Neither did Bee, apparently."

It hurt more than he thought it would, to realize he might have been some sort of... some sort of rebound, or substitute.

The mumblings of Cybertronian continued for a few more minutes, words that seeped of regret and bewilderment, too fast for Sam to understand more than the most basic, useless words, but charged with enough emotion that it was obvious they were missing a lot.

"Chris isn't even here. Should we go?" Tanner whispered after ten minutes. Sam rolled his eyes.

"And just walk out into their conversation? We'd look insane."

Before Tanner could respond, there was the sound of footsteps.

"I thought you did inventory check, Prowl?" Ratchet's voice.

"I did."

"The boxes are, uh, a mess. It didn't seem... like you. You feeling okay?" Ratchet asked, but Prowl just laughed.

Sam hated it. He hated it more than anything, but he honestly could see why someone would call for this Bot with the flowing laugh and mesmerizing gray eyes.

"Sunstreaker finished the job for me, and Sideswipe joined him. You can figure out what happened next."  
"Those two..." Ratchet muttered, and Sam could just see the exasperated look on his face, even though he was currently out of sight. "I swear to Primus, I will lock one in a closet and the other in another, and  _then_ we'll maybe get some work done!"

"They're just having fun." Prowl said, somehow managing to sound logical and soothing, even though he was talking about indecent acts in store rooms, "Do you really want to split them up? They'd just give you hell about it afterwards and drive you crazy by stealing your office next, instead of a storeroom."

By some miracle, this managed to bring Ratchet's extreme irritation down a couple levels.

"But if they ever do it again-"

"They're going to, you know." If Sam pressed his face against the floor and inched closer to the edge of the couch, he could just see Prowl, lanky frame sprawled across the armchair sideways, finely-etched features looking damnably perfect, "but at least they're not fighting."

And just like that, he'd disarmed Ratchet of his wrathful irritation.

"I suppose you're right" Ratchet sounded irritated, but Sam didn't think he was going to storm off and smack some sense into the two Bots anymore, "but even so."

After Ratchet had gone and the conversation continued in soft Cybertronian, Sam's thoughts drifted again.

He hated watching Prowl and Bee together. Hated seeing Bee get worked up, hated seeing Prowl calm him down with a few words Sam couldn't understand, better than Sam ever could. He had no clue what they were talking about, but whatever it was, it brought out Bee's heated side, showing him to be the bundle of nerves he most definitely was, and showed that Prowl was cool-headed and sensible.

Sam hated how perfect Prowl seemed for Bee, how imperfect Sam himself was.

He practically sobbed in relief when Chris walked into the room, breaking up the strained conversation.

"Now what?" Sam whispered. Tanner grinned.

"Man walks into a room with two of the most gorgeous guys on the face of any planet in it. If he's straight, he won't care. If he's not, he'll notice. Simple."

"Hi." Bee stopped his pacing to take momentary notice of the new arrival.

"Uh- hi." Chris stammered. "I'm sorry, am I, umm, interrupting anything?"

"No, don't worry about it." Prowl added.

"Okay..." Chris's shell-shocked stuttering made Tanner grin in delight.

"Straight boys do not get tongue-tied around hot guys" he whispered excitedly. Sam just arched an eyebrow.

"We've been hiding here for half an hour to learn that? I thought you had a better plan than that!" Tanner shrugged s shoulder.

"Best I could do on such short notice."

Bee wandered out of the room a few minutes later, mentioning an unfinished job in engineering, and Prowl did as well, with the intent of going to the medbay. they heard other footsteps, and Sam assumed that meant Chris had gone too.

He about had a heart attack when the couch was suddenly tipped back, showering them with the light of day.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Lennox's bewildered expression almost made Sam laugh out loud.

"Hide and seek" Tanner answered cheerfully, clearly in high spirits due to their latest discovery, "You win."

"I wasn't playing."

"Sure you were. You just won." He hopped up, Sam following, and Lennox set the raised end of the couch back down, flopping down onto the cushions and snatching up the TV remote before anyone else could claim it. Sam nearly ran straight into Tanner, who'd frozen. "Oh. Chris. Hi." Sam turned, to see an admittedly attractive brunette standing behind the couch, with a look of utter confusion reflected in bottle green eyes.

"Hi... how long were you guys under there? And... why?"

"We.. uh..." Tanner seemed to search for a more believable explanation.

"Hide and seek, my ass" Lennox muttered under his breath.

"We were sort of eavesdropping" Sam jumped in, with a believe-me smile, "on my, uh- um-" he couldn't say _ex,_ it would just tear his heart into pieces and make everything seem irreversibly  _real-_ "sort of boyfriend."

"Sort of, huh?" Chris shook his head. "Sounds fun. I assumed it was your idea" he looked back to Tanner, "Kind of seems like something you'd do."

"There is the off chance that it was my idea. I've always wanted to hide under a couch and eavesdrop on my boyfriend who currently does not exist" Tanner grinned, sky blue eyes with that same look he'd directed after the unachievable Bots, but to an even sweeter degree when turned to Chris, "but I swear I'm not a stalker." It was oddly artful, how he'd somehow managed to tell Chris that not only was he single, but that he was looking for a boyfriend.

"I'm disappointed. Stalkers are sort of hot."

"Hey" Lennox waved a hand in the air, not looking at them, "you boys mind going somewhere else to do your flirtin' thing? I'm trying to watch the game." Tanner choked at that, but Chris offered him a smile, like that charmer smile Sam had seen so many times before, but a shy boy trying to make it his own.

"We could, you know. If you want." The apprehensive look evaporated upon Tanner's enthusiastic agreement. When they left the room, Lennox looked over at Sam.

"Does this mean he's not going to hit on the Bots anymore?"

"I think so, yeah." Sam fell into one of the armchairs, the one Prowl hadn't been in, closing his eyes.

"Good. Because I still need him in my team, and him courting death wasn't a good idea."

"Yeah. I think this'll work out for him."

Seeing such sweet attraction reminded him.

What Sam wouldn't give, to go back to the day when everything seemed so simple. He didn't care that it had all been lies, not anymore, he just wanted the day back when Bee had been pretending to be an Italian exchange student who had sweet kisses and a sweeter silence that could still say all the words he'd meant.

"So, how's the reading going?" Lennox's voice made Sam flinch. "That packet of the proposed legislation I gave you? You read it, right?"

"I- uh, Oh, yeah, I remember, I read it." Sam attempted to draw his attention back to the present reality. "About inter-species treaties."

"The meeting on it is in two weeks. What are your thoughts on it?" They did this often, Sam and Lennox. Lennox would read over the proposed legislation, or whatever it was the government was offering up, and make his own decisions, run them by Optimus, make sure they were what the Bots wanted. He'd tell Sam to do the same thing on his own, and on days when Sam was at the top of his game, his remarks were the same as Lennox's.

"I thought it was a little... like it assumed the Bots would break the treaty. There were a lot of checks on them. And the Bots didn't get to have any checks on the government. So..." Sam searched his brain for the words he'd written down not twelve hours previously, "the Act was starting them out on unequal ground."

"Very good." Lennox's gaze flicker from Sam's face to the lacrosse game onscreen, then back to Sam again. "We can go over it more next week. There's something else I'd rather talk to you about. But if it's a touchy subject, I understand completely."

That didn't sound good.

"No, go ahead, shoot."

"Dangerous thing to say to a soldier." Lennox grinned, and Sam just sighed, cycling a hand in a circle to get Lennox to continue, "but I heard something from Ironhide- he wouldn't tell me any more, he said it by accident when he was ranting on about something or other. It was about how-" he started speaking slowly, the verbal way of treading lightly over ice that was most definitely dangerously thin, "there might possibly be a way for you to have a Bot's lifespan."

"Yeah." Sam's gaze dropped to the floor and he sunk down in his chair, "there was."

"I know this probably isn't the angle you been thinking of, but it would be great for them, to have such a great ambassador for so long. It would make a real impact, literally as well as symbolically, for the link between the Bots and the humans." He made his tone more gentle as he went on, "but I'm gonna guess that wasn't why you were considering it."

"Not exactly, no... but it's a good point." Sam bit his lip, hesitant to go on, "I'm not sure what's going to happen. But that probably won't."

"Ah. I'm sorry to hear that." Lennox paused. "And not because they'll lose an ambassador."

Sam nodded, silent.

Things were so much simpler when everything was a lie. But that was nothing compared to what Sam wanted to have back. He wanted to be able to make the choice to stay with Bee. He didn't care about all the complications, all the hurdles, everything that was out to make them fail together. He just wanted his Bee back, problems and all.

There were always going to be things Sam couldn't have, he'd accepted that long, long ago.

Unfortunately, it looked like Bee was always going to be the heartbreaking embodiment of the unachievable. Even worse was that Sam knew he couldn't live without Bee. It didn't matter that Bee didn't want him back, or that it was his fault he'd lost the Bot, or that they'd been  _this close_ to staying together. What mattered was that he was gone.

What mattered were the words in his three-month long silence, the silence that would die only when Sam himself did.

Sam had always thought he'd understood the words in Bee's silence.

But maybe he'd been wrong, maybe he'd misunderstood all along. Above all, the words were silent, and Sam had never gotten the true confirmation that he'd been correct.

Only now was he able to hear the words that could have been there all along, words he'd unconsciously refused to comprehend:  _You're not my Sparkmate._


	24. Chapter 24

Hide and seek was a lot more fun when there weren't cannons involved, Tanner decided. Chris was a  _lot_ more fun to play with.

"Found you!" someone all-but tackled Tanner from behind, sending him tumbling into the bushes he'd been hiding behind.

"Tryin' to kill me?" He twisted around to lie on his back, looking up at the shining green eyes.

"Now why would I wanna do that?" Chris dipped his head to kiss Tanner, "I'm not through playing with you yet." Another quick kiss. "Is there really no one else who can play? Cuz I wanna hide with you, not from you."

"Well... there's not that many options around here. Ironhide cheats. The Twins play for blood. Lennox 'forgets' he's playing and leaves, Epps changes sides," Tanner ticked off the useless possibilities on his fingers, "Sam's in a meeting. Bee's around, but his normal side has been totally MIA. Prowl's off being OCD and not talking, as usual. There's always Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, I suppose-"

"Great!" Chris jumped up, and pulled Tanner after him, "we'll ask them. It'll be fun." He flashed a smile back at Tanner, "because hiding without you is no fun at all."

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, meanwhile, were in the rec room. Sunstreaker was sprawled across the couch reading, and Sideswipe had crawled up next to him, and was contentedly doing nothing. Sunstreaker turned pages with one hand, the other idly running through Sideswipe's dark hair. "Listen to this," he nudged Sideswipe with his knee, "Says the US has a history of honoring treaties."

"Yeah" Sideswipe scoffed, "with  _humans."_ He traced his fingertips up Sunstreaker's side gently, "I'd never want to be a human. Not all the time. Powerless things."

"You'd better be careful who you say that around" Sunstreaker shifted his attention back to the pages, "Like humans, or Bee, or whoever."

"Why Bee? He doesn't like being a human."

"What?" Sunstreaker looked back down at Sideswipe, "He doesn't?"

"Nope." Sideswipe slid his hand up under Sunstreaker's shirt, tracing designs on the hot skin, "Why do you think he never used that form before meeting Sam?"

"I never really thought about it."

"Well, he doesn't like it much. Only ever did it for Sam. He hasn't since they broke up, what, four months ago? He was only a human with Sam."

"I hope they get back together, I really do..." Sunstreaker murmured, "what if Sam's his Sparkmate?"

"He never said anything. Bee doesn't even know if it can be a human."

"Oh." Sunstreaker sighed. "Is that why he won't let Sam stay with him?"

"I suppose. Maybe he's afraid he'll meet the Bot that's his Sparkmate or something, and that Sam will be left alone? I don't have any idea."

"You don't buy the idea that he wants Sam to be spared the pain?"

"Well, sure, that's true, but come  _on._ He loved Sam like no other. There has to be a better reason." He closed his eyes, listening to the pulse of Sunstreaker's spark, "has to be."

"Maybe." Sunstreaker resumed his reading, one hand continuing to play over the body sprawled on top of him, "You could be right."

"Could be" Sideswipe snorted, "You sound  _so_  sure of it."

"It's not like you've never been wrong before." a smirk touched at his lips, "Like when you thought that Ratchet was being haunted by a ghost?"

"He destroyed an Egyptian tomb, and  _everyone_ knows there are curses attached to those things." Sideswipe grumbled, "Besides, you've been  _more_ wrong."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Like with the air vents? They  _could_ hear us, you know."

"Gotta admit that was fun."

"Well... yeah. But still. You were wrong." He ran his fingertips alongside the top of Sunstreaker's jeans, making Sunstreaker shiver, "But I liked it."

"There you guys are!" The unwelcome voice made Sideswipe groan.

"What the hell do you want, Tanner?"

"Wanna play hide and seek with us?" Chris piped up. Sideswipe growled. He didn't want to move, but Sunstreaker decided to answer for them.

"Sure we will. C'mon, Swipe" He moved, and Sideswipe crashed to the floor.

"You're  _mean."_ He scowled up at Sunstreaker, who pulled him off the floor and shoved him towards the door.

"He'll count." Sunstreaker volunteered, kissing Sideswipe when he tried to protest. "Start countin'" Tanner and Chris grinned, then took off running to hide, and Sunstreaker followed before Sideswipe could refuse to play.

Half an hour later, Tanner was starting to wonder if perhaps they'd chosen lousy players. Chris was leaning against him, and Tanner definitely had no complaints there, but they'd been sitting under a desk for half an hour and there was no sign of Sideswipe. They didn't know it why, but could guess the reason in one shot. Sideswipe had found Sunstreaker first, and forgotten that there were other players involved.

Sunstreaker had been in the next room over, under a different desk, both rooms in the building outside which were his and Sideswipe's alt forms. sideswipe had decided to cheat- Sunstreaker should have known he would- and Sunstreaker knew where he was. Sideswipe was with their alt forms, knowingly trailing his fingertips down the sleek metal, waiting to hear a telltale scream. Sunstreaker wasn't going to give in, though. Not a chance. Sideswipe was going to have to work for it. Sideswipe sighed when he realized that Sunstreaker was in a stubborn mood and started going through the rooms. Just in time, Sunstreaker thought, leaning back against the side of the desk, because if he'd taken even a minute longer, Sunstreaker would have had a lot more trouble keeping back the scream Sideswipe had been languidly coaxing from him. He was so wrapped up in this thought, that he didn't hear the door open.

"Found you" Sideswipe dropped to his knees behind the desk, and Sunstreaker groaned.

"You are such a cheater."

"Hey, I found you the old fashioned way. You're there. I'm right here. I found you."

"After trying to cheat." Sunstreaker pointed out, and Sideswipe grinned.

"It didn't work."

"Almost did."

"Yeah?" This seemed to delight Sideswipe to no end, "Good. Can I pick up where I left off?"

"You already found the other guys? What about them?"

"Forget  _them."_ Sideswipe skimmed his fingertips down Sunstreaker's cheek, leaning in to kiss him, "I found _you,_ what would I want with  _them?"_

"Because you cheated. You have  _got_ to learn to follow the rules."

"I don't break em, I just bend 'em a little. Nothing wrong with roughing up the rules." he licked at Sunstreaker's bottom lip, "they don't explicitly say I can't do that."

"It's sorta implied." Sunstreaker couldn't resist him anymore. He opened his mouth to Sideswipe's tongue, slipping his arms around Sideswipe's neck and pulling him close. Even though the space was cramped, Sideswipe somehow managed to press up against him, kissing him hard, making Sunstreaker moan.

"C'mere" Sideswipe broke the kiss to pull Sunstreaker out from under the desk, sweep him up in his arms, and deposit him on top of the desk.

"Whose desk is this?" Sunstreaker asked, as Sideswipe leaned over to kiss along his neck.

"I'unno" One hand reached to turn around the nameplate, "Sergeant Major Evans." He was having an awkward time of getting at Sunstreaker, and Sunstreaker laughed at his growls of frustration.

"I know that guy. He hates me."

"What'd you do?" One hand was undoing Sunstreaker's jeans, the other trying to rip them off before they were undone.

"Smashed up his car."

"Yeah? How?" He finally succeeded, tossing the jeans to the side at last. The moment they lost contact with his hand, they vanished out of sight. Sunstreaker was finding it increasingly harder to string together a sentence, as Sideswipe kept on with what he was doing.

"Threw a Twin at it."

"Mmm. That'll do it." He dipped his head, and one swipe of that clever tongue had Sunstreaker gasping and arching. "Nice car?"

"Nicer'n... you..." Sunstreaker laughed breathlessly at the snarl of irritation this drew from Sideswipe.

"What the hell's nicer than a Corvette?"

"A fuckin' Ferrari, that's what."

"You wanna find yourself a Ferrari lover, be my guest." Sideswipe snapped, but Sunstreaker just laughed.

"What the hell would  _I_ want with one of those?" He yanked Sideswipe down to kiss him hard, with a bite that would have drawn blood if he'd been able, "but if you know any single Ferraris-"

"I'm about to know a single-" Sideswipe started in heatedly, but a kiss from Sunstreaker silenced him. "Don't you go lookin' for any Ferraris."

"Now why would I do that?" Sunstreaker moaned when Sideswipe resume what he'd been doing, but with the hateful roughness he thirsted for, "I could have any Ferrari I wanted, and I'd still pretend it was you."

"Mmm. Really?" Another sweetly sinful motion, and Sunstreaker nearly screamed.

"Really."

"May as well just skip the Ferrari all together." Sideswipe growled. His next move lost whatever response Sunstreaker had in a needy scream.

Meanwhile, Tanner and Chris were still beneath the other desk.

"That part of the carpet there?" Chris pointed.

"No."

"that pen?"

"No."

"the chair wheel?"

"No."

"The  _other_ one?"

"No."

"Window frame?"

"No."

"I fuckin' hate I Spy."

"Me too. It was your shoelace."

Chris groaned, tilting his head back against the desk.

"What the hell is taking him so long?"

"Bet he found Sunstreaker first."

"Oh, come on." Chris looked up at him, "You think they're that obvious about it?"

"You'd be surprised" Tanner grinned. "Just ask them sometime, where they've done it."

"I'll retain my innocence, thank you." He cuddled into Tanner's side, "next time, they can't play."

There was a scream from the other room, loosely wrapped around a name.

"Yeah" Tanner sighed "They are so never playing hide and seek with us again. No focus at  _all."_

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Horror movies weren't really Sam's thing. He wasn't scared by them, mostly because his attention would drift and when the rest of the audience was wide-eyed with terror, he was thinking about something more mundane, like goldfish.

In fact, Sam would have continued that particular trail of thought- he'd recently read that a goldfish kept in the dark would eventually turn white- had he not noticed  _that._ Ironhide had gotten up to get a drink for himself, and Sam couldn't  _not_ notice how eager Bee was to jump up and leave the room. He'd watched a horror movie with Bee once before- how could he have forgotten? It had given Bee nightmares that made him cling to Sam at night and refuse to sleep. It was because, he'd once told Sam, he'd seen a lot of what went on in horror movies, and it would remind him, and twice terrify him. Other Bots had the same issue, but were better able to separate the reality from the scenes.

Sam knew it was hopeless, he truly did, but he'd spent the past hour convincing himself that he had no solid evidence, no concrete reason to believe anything, but what he rather wanted to believe. He might not have been ready to talk, but he was ready to try.

So Sam slid off his spot on the armchair- nearly kicked Sideswipe in the process, which would have been a fatal move if not for the fact that Sideswipe was distracted- and settled himself in Bee's spot on the couch. Sideswipe sent a glare after him, but Sam just ignored him. No way Sideswipe could stay angry for long, not with how Sunstreaker was there to distract him. Granted, he was half asleep on Sideswipe's shoulder, but Sam still hoped he'd be distraction enough. Bee and Ironhide returned a few minutes later, just as the movie hit the sixty-minute mark; Sam knew before he saw them, given the way Prowl looked back with interest, completely forgetting that, onscreen, someone was seconds from being murdered.

Sam's gaze was fixed on Bee, as he picked his way across the rec room, back towards where he'd been sitting. Sam could tell Bee was shaken and wasn't thinking; he just settled himself in Sam's lap and turned his face into Sam's chest wordlessly.

_It was over._

Sam could comprehend no other thought, nothing beyond the unbridled relief that all the agony was finally, finally over. He circled Bee in his arms and held him close, and it was like, after three months, he could breathe again.

Sam half wanted to wait it out more. Didn't yet want to approach that topic. His heart, however, was having none of it. A terrified Bee wasn't something he could ever really ignore. Standoffish, livid Bee, he had an easier- but not easy, never  _easy-_ time avoiding, because that wasn't the Bee that Sam knew and whole-heartedly loved. Seeing  _his_ Bee, scared to death... Sam ceased to think. Four months became nothing when he felt Bee trembling in his arms.

It didn't matter that he'd spent those four months avoiding Bee, that Bee had spent them with Prowl, it didn't matter.

Prowl was on the other side of the room, sprawled across the couch next to Ironhide, and, far as Sam could tell, was barely aware Bee was even in the room. That had to be a good sign, and Sam needed that. Prowl took on a slightly horrified expression, making Sam look up at the screen, and instantly wish he hadn't. Gruesome murder had never been something he could stand watching in a movie.

In his lap, Bee gave a strained little whimper.

"Nothing to be scared of now, babe" Sam murmured in his ear. One of Bee's hands was twisted in Sam's shirt, as he glanced over at the screen.

"Like this hanging I saw. They thought she was a witch and she wasn't, it was awful..." He turned his face into the curve of Sam's neck, "worse'n the movie. Had little children and everything. Hung and burned her... terrible..."

"Didn't that happen in the medieval ages?" Sam asked softly. Bee nodded silently.

"Don't miss that, not one bit." He drew in a breath. "Just... everything else..." The faintest hint of a quiver in his tone reminded Sam instantly, too strongly, of the breakdown he had caused. His gaze shifted over to Sunstreaker, who had forgotten the movie completely and was tracing his fingertip down Sideswipe's arm. He'd eventually been able to put his era back out of his mind, only because Sideswipe had been able to comfort him out of it. The words seemed to remind Bee, though, of where he was and how he hadn't been there for months, and he tensed up. "I- Primus, Sam, I- I'm sorry... I can go... sit somewhere else, if you-"

"Why the hell would I want that?" Sam wanted to just wish away the surprised look in those amber eyes. "It hasn't been me that's decided to be apart."

It was obvious that his words stung more than he'd intended them to. Bee hung his head, saying nothing. He flinched when a scream came from the speakers.

"Why don't we leave?" The last thing Sam wanted to do was hurt Bee any more than he already had. "I don't like the movie, and you don't either." Bee nodded at that, sliding off his lap and pulling him out of the room by the hand.

Sam didn't miss the whispers that followed them; an "about time" from Ironhide, "finally" from Sideswipe, "thank Primus" from Sunstreaker, among various other comments. He couldn't quite decipher the look on Prowls' face.

He could only try to convince himself that it wasn't the heartbroken longing it looked like.

Sam followed Bee down the dark hallway; neither spoke until they were back at Sam's apartment. Sam had to wonder, though, if Bee was thinking the same thing as him, if he was also regretting the time wasted, also worried about the ending that had already split them apart once.

It wasn't until they were lying together on the bed that Bee spoke. He was tucked against Sam's side, and Sam had assumed him to be asleep. "I hate movies like that" Bee mumbled, "Ones that make me think of then."

"You miss it a lot?" Sam traced his hand down Bee's back, couldn't help a relieved sigh when Bee nuzzled closer to him at the touch. Strange, how his hands could know the touch that would elicit a response, how he didn't have to think, how it was so natural, he couldn't help it.

"Yeah." No other words were necessary. Bee's silence spoke for him, of the extent of his longing for his era, of how it would be nothing compared to how he'd miss Sam. "Do you... do you believe me now?"

"I do... I'm sorry I didn't before.."

Bee was silent for some time.

"I missed you." His whisper was barely audible. "Honest, Sam. I didn't... didn't like being without for that long. It was miserable."

The raw honesty in his tone showed Sam, all-too clearly, how wrong he had been to doubt Bee.

What was worse was the realization that followed.

It wasn't Bee that didn't trust him; it was Sam himself who wasn't trusting.

"Sam?" Bee nuzzled against him, tentative halt to his motions, "did you miss me?"

There was no way to truly answer that, to convey how miserable he'd been without Bee. Nothing could express it, nothing could ever come close, could describe how it felt to have his heart ripped out like that, his entire world stolen away for so long.

"Yes." The silence that wrapped around the word spoke more than he could, said  _I missed you so much, I love you, don't ever do that again, I missed you._

Bee made that happy little humming noise again, just like his delighted sound when he was in his Bot form. "I really do wish you could stay with me."

"Won't let me?"

"No." Amber eyes flickered up to meet Sam's, "I love you too much to let you do that."

"But this isn't one-sided, Bee. I love you too. And  _I_  love  _you_ too much to let you do  _this._ I don't want you to suffer alone later. I don't ever want you to be in that much pain. And now, now there's a way to save you." The amber-eyed gaze met Sam's, hope Bee wouldn't allow himself to have flickering there, but Sam knew by now that Bee wouldn't give in to it, "You've already saved me. You deserve that too, because I love you as much as you love me. It goes both ways."

What would it take for Bee to lose his resolve?

"You could regret it."

"Never. I'd have you." There was a pause. "Wouldn't I?"

"Why wouldn't you?" Bee sounded honestly shocked. "I... I can't let you stay, Sam, but I promise that if you did... I'd be yours forever."

"I'd love that" Sam murmured, holding Bee closer, "I really would."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

It was the cutest thing, how much Bee loved the swing set they'd found. The chain creaked as he swung back and forth, trailing the toes of his sneakers through the deep snow.

Sam wasn't ready to talk yet, which Bee seemed to know.

Certain others, however, didn't seem aware of the fact Bee was so attuned to.

"Where's Prowl?" Tanner's voice brought about a look of instant dislike on Bee's face, and this time, Sam wanted to choke Tanner too.

"I dunno. How would I?" Bee slowed to a stop, swinging back and forth gently. "Go ask someone else if you care so much."

Apparently, he hadn't forgotten when Tanner had tried to steal Sam, but both Sam and tanner were surprised at that.

"Why isn't he with you?" Tanner crossed his arms over his chest, practically shivering in the cold. Bee shrugged a shoulder

"Because he's got better stuff to do with his time that stalk me like you are right now, l guess." He looked over at Sam, and concerned replaced the irritation on his face, tone softening, "why do you think he'd be with me?"

"We were... um..." Sam stared down at the snow.

"Hiding under the couch when you guys were talking a while ago." Tanner contributed. Sam kicked snow at him. "Eavesdropping."

"What did you hear?" Bee hopped off his swing to cross over to them, looking between the two curiously.

"That..." Sam trailed off. "we just...."

"That you're Prowl's Sparkmate and that you missed him while he was gone," Tanner filled in, and Sam felt like throttling him. Bee just looked at Sam, amber eyes filled with some mix of surprise and apology.

"You heard that?" He seemed to backtrack, when a look of pain crossed Sam's face, "it's wrong. It's entirely wrong."

"So what was going on?" Tanner asked.

"We-" Bee fell silent. "Why the hell should I tell  _you?"_ Tanner rolled his eyes at this and bid Sam goodbye. Bee watched him leave, and once he was out of earshot, looked back at Sam. "That's not what happened. I promise"

"It... kind of really sounded like it."

"It wasn't." Bee murmured, "I would never do that to you."

Finally, Bee's words were enough to convince Sam, trust seeping back to him like they'd never been apart, and he didn't even need the explanation.

"He has a Sparkmate, but it's not me. He's just one of those Bots that likes talking things through before he decides what to do. He has to go over every little angle, and it helps him to have someone listen." He reached for Sam, and Sam slipped his arms around Bee. "I'm sorry you thought it was different."

"It just.. I don't know. Sounded like you were his Sparkmate."

"I'm not. But- I didn't know you knew about that. The Sparkmates thing." Bee seemed to tense slightly. "Who told you?"

"Sideswipe. Why, should he... not have? Why didn't you?" He pulled back from Bee to look at him, but Bee wouldn't meet his gaze. He followed his footsteps back to the swing, sinking down and curling his fingers around the chain.

"There's been a lot of things I haven't told you, Sam, and, yeah, some of those had... important reasons." _Like that I was human,_ his silence said,  _or that I was lying to you, or that I love you._ "But.... I hope you can accept that... that some things just hurt too much to talk about."

God, but Sam hated it when he made Bee cry. He went over to crouch down in front of Bee, lifting one hand to wipe away the glistening tears.

"It's okay." He wanted to know, he still did, more than anything, but it didn't matter so much anymore. He didn't know why Bee couldn't talk about it, if it was because Sam was his Sparkmate or because he wasn't, because he had one or didn't or couldn't or shouldn't, but Sam didn't want to force Bee to feel even more pain. He kissed Bee softly, fingertips brushing away Bee's tears. "I love you."

Bright amber eyes met his.

"I remember every single time you've said that," Bee murmured, "and not just from recorded memory, either." Sam wished Bee hadn't perfected that beautiful, sorrowful look, that he hadn't had so much experience with it, "and I love you too."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ironhide didn't look happy to see Prowl, but then again, Prowl thought darkly, he never seemed to anymore. Ironhide was in the weaponry complex, holo-form, and the good looks certainly didn't make it any easier for Prowl. Ironhide had the undisputedly best body of all the holos. Several of the military women had tried, in increasingly devious ways, to get him to work without a shirt on, but he was winning so far. He had on a dark shirt that read  _Party hard_ on the front. It was fortunate that his clothing was, like him, a hologram. Otherwise, he would have gone through an incredible amount of shirts; there was a little club of several women who were responsible for the sneaky mutilation of shirts. Boredom did wonders, and a small pair of scissors did amusing damage to shirts.

Prowl lingered in the doorway as Ironhide tried to find something else to say besides the "hey" that clearly didn't express enough. Finally, he sighed, and turned to shoot a glare at Prowl.

"Where the hell have you been?"

Definitely not the response he'd been hoping for.

Prowl just stared at the ground, as all his calculations shifted over abruptly into the category he'd hoped not to encounter.

Seventy percent Ironhide would never forgive him, twenty percent he'd truly hate him, five percent Ironhide would decide he just didn't exist anymore, four percent he'd get back at him, one percent unknown. One percent wasn't enough.

Ironhide drew in a breath. "That came out wrong."

"No." Prowl sighed, leaning against the doorframe, "it sounded about right." He hated admitting it, but the look on Ironhide's face made it worth it; relief, perhaps, and the fact that Ironhide felt it at all was comforting. "I'd... I'd hoped you wouldn't feel like that, but... there's every reason for you to... I just..." he scuffed at the ground with the toe of his shoe, "just hoped you wouldn't hate me for not telling you."

"I can't hate you." But he sounded like he wished he could. "But yeah, Prowl, it did kill me that my closest friend didn't mention something like that to me." Prowl's gaze flickered away from Ironhide's face. "You just up and left for three hundred years. Without saying anything. To me, anyways."

Primus, but that sounded terrible coming from him.

"I heard it from everyone else, that you'd gone. Not you. Why not?"

"I-"  _One percent,_ Prowl's mind hissed,  _is not enough to stake a life on,_ "Didn't think you'd like it."

He knew that look, but he'd never seen it directed towards himself before.  _How could you do this to me._ Ironhide was thinking, it was written all over his face and it just broke Prowl's heart. "But I would have liked to know anyways."

But wait, Prowl reassessed the words in his mind- he was almost certain there was something else there-

"See?" Ironhide sounded defeated. "You overthink everything. But not about how I'd feel if my best friend just disappeared without saying a word?"

All reassessment stopped, when Prowl heard  _that_  term again. When had that stopped being enough for him?

He remembered exactly when. When he'd told Ironhide he needed to go to Bot Violence Rehab, after Ironhide had somehow managed to half destroy a building. Ironhide had laughed, and said he'd only go if Prowl helped him through it, and Prowl had promised that, if Ironhide ever got thrown into Violence Rehab, he'd be there for him.

That was when.

"I'm sorry." What else could he say? He knew what he  _could_ say, but no, he'd never admit that, not against those odds. "I understand if you don't want me to stay-" he ducked when Ironhide threw a wrench across the room at him, but he couldn't help but smile. He didn't know how many times Ironhide had thrown something at him, but he did know how many times he'd gotten hit by it- not once.

"I always knew you were crazy," Ironhide was hiding a grin and failing at it, "but I didn't think you were that insane. Why would I want you to  _leave_ again?"

"Because I swear to Primus I'm gonna check you into violence Rehab?" he suggested, and Ironhide just laughed.

"Some friend you are, Prowler."

 _Friend._ Nothing less, true.

But nothing more, either.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It wasn't a horror movie this time, Sam could say that at least. Officially, in the movie summary, it did not explicitly say "horror". It did say a number of other  _synonyms_ for horror but, no, "horror" itself was not among them.

"Who the hell picks these movies?" Bee groaned, turning his face into Sam's chest. "There's nothing wrong with watching normal movies."

"We could just leave."

"This is the warmest room in the entire freakin' city." Bee's voice was muffled by Sam's shirt.

"You're the one that broke my heater."

"By accident."

"You  _threw_ my  _alarm clock."_

"I wasn't aiming for it or anything. And the stupid clock woke me up!"

"That's it's  _job."_ Sam sighed. "At least, it was, before you destroyed it." He ducked when Sideswipe threw a cushion at him.

"Shut  _up,_ Sam." he growled, and Sunstreaker laughed.

"Like you're even watching." Sunstreaker was sitting on the floor, Sideswipe lying next to him, one arm thrown across Sunstreaker's waist.

"So?"

"Shut 'yo  _mouth!"_ Skids kicked at him. Sideswipe just growled.

"Who picked this shit? I've never seen a worse movie in my life."

"Would you rather go freeze outside? Because I swear to Primus, I  _will_ throw you out a window." Sunstreaker replied. "So be a love and shut up." Sideswipe grumbled about it, but stopped talking.

Sam had stopped paying attention to the movie long before they decided to have an intermission. He'd been wondering how it was possible that Bee's hair smelled so good, and was daydreaming about what he would name a ferret if he had one and, once again, about goldfish, and how he'd heard that it was possible to freeze one and then thaw it, and that it would still be alive. The other movie-viewers were wandering off, most in search of food, leaving Sam and Bee, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, Ironhide, and Prowl in the front room. The kitchen was a new addition to the rec room, although gourmet food was usually just a dream, as the kitchen had merely become a storage place for store-bought food. Sam could hear the Twins arguing about whose soda was whose, and Ratchet telling them that the drink would stain tooth enamel, and the twins retorting that they were  _holos,_ for Primus's sake, and not humans. Chris was complaining that someone had taken the cookie he'd gotten for himself, and something fell and hit the floor hard.

"They're gonna break something in there…" Ironhide sighed, "again."

"Again?" Prowl was sitting on the couch next to him, knees pulled up to his chest. Sam couldn't quite figure out why he looked so anxious.

"Last time it was a microwave." Ironhide seemed to be looking at Prowl like he was trying to figure something out.

"Ah." Prowl fell silent again. On the floor, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were arguing again, something about the movie that no one else could follow. Bee and Sam were talking, far less explosively, in soft tones that occasionally faded into to silence and were replaced by kisses.

"You okay, Prowler?" The concerned tone made the grey-eyed gaze flicker back to Ironhide's face. "You don't… seem like it." Prowl wished he could just say  _I'm fine_ and move on, but then he supposed he'd never forgive himself for passing up yet  _another_ chance. It was the first one he'd gotten since leaving so long ago.

"Um… there was something… that I was gonna… talk to you about…" Prowl had to force himself not to backtrack like he'd done so many times before.

"Which is?" Ironhide prompted. Prowl looked away. "what, did you find a violence rehab program or something and signed me up?" Primus, but Prowl loved how Ironhide always knew how to get him to calm down. Prowl hated how he could get so tensely wound up over anything, and so far, only Ironhide had ever had success in convincing him that, contrary to what Prowl believed, the world  _wasn't_ going to fall to pieces.

This time it was, though, Prowl was sure of it.

"No…" He drew in a breath. Ironhide was watching him, close enough to- Prowl decided to let the world fall apart. He leaned over- mind screaming  _one percent one percent one percent-_  and pressed his lips to Ironhide's.

And the world didn't end.

Ironhide let Prowl kiss him, and more than that, responded to his touch, tugging Prowl closer to him, kissing him back. Prowl couldn't think anymore, and he would have thought it would feel like he'd lost himself, but it wasn't, it was like he suddenly knew what he was  _missing_.

"I think…" Prowl said slowly, when they broke apart, and he was kneeling over Ironhide, and he saw that familiar flicker of amusement when he said that well-known phrase, "I should have told you sooner…" he paused. "that I know I love you."

"Know it, huh?"

Prowl didn't think he'd ever seen Ironhide so happy, and nothing could have felt as good as knowing it was him who'd caused it. Ironhide propped himself up on one elbow, tilting his head to kiss Prowl softly. "I love you too. Have for a very, very long time."

He'd been waiting for Prowl to come to him, though. He knew Prowl better than Prowl knew himself, knew that an advance would scare him away. When he'd lost Prowl, it had destroyed all confidence Ironhide had once had. He wasn't a Casanova by nature, he'd just been desperate to know that he wasn't suddenly completely undesirable. He'd thought Prowl didn't want him at all.

"And there's something else" Prowl caught his bottom lip between his teeth, watching Ironhide, "remember how we talked about Sparkmates? Like, ten times?"

"Why were you obsessed with that topic, Prowler?"

"Because." Prowl glanced away, "you're mine."

Ironhide kissed him, gentle, tender, and Prowl could tell he shouldn't ever have been so worried.

"And you're mine."

From the floor, there was a scoffing noise.

"About fuckin'  _time"_ Sideswipe muttered. The couple on the couch didn't so much as hear him, too lost in each other.

"Like you didn't take your Primus-damned sweet time too" Sunstreaker reminded him, heaving a sigh. "Hypocrite."

"That was  _different."_ Sideswipe protested, "I  _hated_ you."

"Yeah, well, I  _still_ hate  _you"_

"I hate you more." Sideswipe growled back, yanking Sunstreaker down and kissing him hard. "Still love you though."

"Kinda figured." Sunstreaker grinned. He glanced up at the other two. "About time, huh?"

Sam and Bee were watching as well. "So that's who." Sam said. Bee nodded, pressing a soft kiss to Sam's jaw with a little murmured sound of agreement. "Is every freakin' Bot around gay?" Sam asked, and Bee just laughed.

"It's different for Bots, Sam" he flashed that dazzling smile, "we're not like humans. A Bot has a lover, that's all there is to it. It's just the Bot who completes you. It's not like you choose." He snuggled against Sam. "Much as I love you, I gotta tell you, humans are crazy."

There were footsteps.

"I leave for two damned minutes, and you guys suddenly remember you're long lost Sparkmates?" Ratchet grumbled, looking at Prowl and Ironhide. "Anyone else wanna give me a spark meltdown?" Sideswipe raised his hand. "Oh, Primus, what?"

"Since you're asking… I burned down your medbay and forgot to tell you." He burst out laughing when Ratchet ran to the window to check. It didn't help Ratchet's irritation when everyone else laughed at him, too.

"If I had a welding torch, you would be in trouble" Ratchet muttered darkly, stalking back over to his chair. "I'd leave you there for a month!" Tanner restarted the movie, in the hopes that it would distract everyone enough that welding would be avoided. As soon as it started playing, Bee turned away, preferring sleeping in Sam's lap to watching. He wasn't the only one to ignore the movie. Prowl had settled himself in Ironhide's arms, barely aware of the movie at all.

"I missed you when you were gone" Ironhide murmured, kissing him softly.

"I missed you too" Prowl whispered back, "More than anything. That's why I came back."

"For me?" Ironhide asked, receiving a brilliant smile as an answer. "I would have looked for you, but I thought you didn't want to be found."

"It's okay." Prowl leaned back against him, looking up to meet the dark eyes, "I'm not leaving again."

"Good." Ironhide hugged him tight, "Because this time, I would not let you leave."

"Why do we even bother watching movies with these guys?" Chris whispered to Tanner. "It's way more entertaining to watch all them, anyways."

Sam smiled with amusement when he realized Bee had fallen asleep. Movies really weren't his thing. "Should we leave?" he whispered. Bee yawned, shaking his head no.

"'Like it right here" he murmured, snuggling against Sam. Sam kissed him and let him sleep. He liked it too, would have given anything to stay like this with Bee forever. If only Bee would let him, Sam would even give up his entire world.

The designated time was fast approaching, but no one could know that, no one could even know it was significant at all. They weren't the ones who had decided when their world would end.

If he'd known, he would have held onto his lover tighter, and hoped that somehow, somehow, it would turn out fine.

Even though it wouldn't.


	25. Chapter 25

"You are the geekiest Bot I have  _ever_ known. Are you really gonna choose that over me?" Sunstreaker tossed an exasperated look at Sideswipe.

"I'm  _winning."_ He was lying on the couch in the Bots' apartment, laptop open before him. "And I like winning."

"You don't exactly  _lose_ when you play with  _me,_ you know." Sunstreaker huffed.

"Yeah, but I don't  _win_ anything, either…" He tapped at the keys, not looking up, "I'm at level eighty-seven."

"Well, you're about to  _get_ nothing."

"Don't be like that."

"Make me be otherwise, than."

"Later." Sideswipe said. Sunstreaker groaned in frustration. He wandered over, climbing onto the couch to straddle Sideswipe.

"Please?"

"Nnn." Sideswipe was still staring at the laptop screen, fingers working over the keys. "Don't you have something to do."

"Yeah.  _You._ So let me!"

When Sideswipe ignored him, Sunstreaker mumbled something that sounded dangerously close to "I'll show you to ignore me…" and glared at Sideswipe. Sideswipe ignored the chance to redeem himself, and Sunstreaker got frustrated.

It didn't take but two minutes for him to steal back the attention he felt he so deserved. One kiss to the back of Sideswipe's neck and a hard touch, and Sideswipe was pinned to the floor on his back, full attention on him.

"That's better" Sunstreaker purred, kissing him hard, trying again, failing again, to draw blood, "don't tell me you prefer that to me?"

"Like I said," Sideswipe growled back, arching his hips up when Sunstreaker wouldn't move, "I like winning."

"Okay" Sunstreaker started working Sideswipe's jeans down, slowly, devious look on his face, "we'll see if you can win." He dropped a quick kiss to Sideswipe's lips, "I think you can't."

"But it's not fair" Sideswipe whimpered, as Sunstreaker tugged away his jeans and tossed them aside, "you're at a total advantage."

"I know" Sunstreaker purred, flipping Sideswipe over and running his tongue down Sideswipe's back, "Better work harder."

"Not-  _aaaah-"_ he gasped for breath at the intrusion of Sunstreaker's fingers, "-not fair. You… brat…"

"Callin' me names now? I don't  _have_ to go this easy on you." Sunstreaker's fingertips danced over that sensitive spot, the hollow above Sideswipe's hip, and Sideswipe hissed, squirming.

"Easy? Don't-" He sucked in a breath when Sunstreaker bypassed two fingers for three, "don't you fucking go easy on me."

" _Fine_ then." Sunstreaker too-amused laugh, "I won't." As if to prove his point, he pushed into Sideswipe roughly, reveling in the near-scream this merited. Sideswipe tensed, back arching, refusing,  _refusing,_ to lose. "Don't even try" Sunstreaker leaned forward to whisper in Sideswipe's ear, thrusting in further, so hard he would have been hurting Sideswipe if he'd been human, "You can't win. Give up. Just let go and give up."

"I  _never_ lose," Sideswipe started hissing, but the words were lost in a harsh exhale of curses, and Sunstreaker laughed at the desperation in Sideswipe's movements, "Never."

"You always lose" Sunstreaker thrust into him, harder, always harder, and Sideswipe nearly screamed, "when can you ever win when you're playing with me?"

"I'll show you what it's like to lose" Sideswipe groaned as Sunstreaker left another bite mark on his shoulder, "Do you have any fucking idea what it's like?"

"No." Sunstreaker swiped Sideswipe's ear with his tongue, then turned his attention away again, ravishing the hot skin with harder bites that made Sideswipe moan and gasp, "Do you have any idea how good you taste?"

"N-no, but 'm glad you like it" Sideswipe was biting his lip hard, refusing to lose, refusing to give in first, "Can make you  _beg_ for it."

"You'll be begging me first" Sunstreaker laid another assault to Sideswipe's neck, pressing hot kiss over the bite mark as if in an afterthought of an apology.

"Will-not-" Sideswipe ground out. Sunstreaker knew better. One quick, rough thrust of his hips and Sideswipe was gone, the edge he'd been backing away from now far behind them.

And he was gone, and it was in those moments that Sunstreaker found the part of Sideswipe he loved the most.

Sunstreaker curled up next to Sideswipe, with a kiss that was softer than anything he'd given Sideswipe. "I love you, you know." He felt Sideswipe slip an arm around him, pull him close.  
"I know." He sounded tired, and Sunstreaker grinned at that. "Love you too. Even though I lost."

"Losing's okay. You look good doing it." Primus, how Sunstreaker loved this sleepy little talk they always had afterwards. Mindless, drained, and because he knew Sideswipe never forgot a word, it was when he could say everything he felt. "I love how you can lose with grace." Not like himself. He hated losing. Hated it with a bitter passion, felt like he'd forfeited some indispensible portion of his self-worth every time he did.

"I don't mind losing to you" Sideswipe tilted his chin up to press a kiss to his lips, "I still have you in the end, so it's okay."

Sunstreaker had nearly fallen asleep a few minutes later, curled up against Sideswipe's chest, but even so, Sideswipe's movement didn't escape him.

"Don't even" Sunstreaker growled, seeing Sideswipe extend a hand in the direction of the laptop.

"But-"

"You don't even  _want_ to know what I'll do to you." Sunstreaker growled. "Not only will you lose, you'll find yourself somewhere dark and behind a locked door."

"Pleasant" Sideswipe grumbled, bringing his hand to the small of Sunstreaker's back again, "maybe I won't play just now, in that case."

"That's better. I wouldn't even be able to lock you into the storage room."

"Yeah? Why not?"

"Prowl and Ironhide are there right now."

"Doing?"

"Exactly what you think they're doing."

"So you won't try and lock me in any rooms right now?"

"Not if you stay right where you are."

"What's so great about where I am right now?"

"I like it." Sunstreaker closed his eyes, turning his face into Sideswipe's chest, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, "Just… stay with me." He didn't know why he was feeling so clingy today but- and he would never know why their stars aligned so precisely- Sideswipe was in a mirroring mood.

"Nowhere I'd rather be, babe." He murmured, "Nowhere in any world."

Tangled together on the floor, sparkpulses in harmony, they slept.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Thank Primus you always take forever doing this job" Ironhide said, closing the door of the storage room behind him. Prowl arched an eyebrow. "You have two minutes."

"I usually take two hours."

"Exactly. I want that time." He meant it, too. The second Prowl shoved the last stack of boxes toward the corner, Ironhide had him pinned up against the wall, kissing him like there was nothing sweeter in any world. Prowl moaned against his lips, hands roaming over Ironhide's chest. "Don't think you've ever finished taking inventory faster" Ironhide murmured, kissing down Prowl's neck.

"S'ppose not"

Something was tugging at his consciousness, some memory, something that was making him want to tense and jerk away, even as every part of him begged for Ironhide's touch, a touch that was trailing downward as Ironhide pressed hot kisses to his skin.

Something…

Screaming.

And suddenly, Prowl was whimpering, but not in that pleased way, his hold on Ironhide too tight, tears too bitter, clinging like he was in pain.

"Prowl?" Ironhide turned a confused gaze to him.

"I'm sorry" he sounded so pained, so apologetic. Prowl would be lying if he said he hadn't dreamed of this, and if he said he wasn't scared. "I- I'm sorry…"

"What's wrong?" Panic coursed through Ironhide, seeing how Prowl wept and trembled, followed by the heart-stopping fear that he'd done something horribly, terribly wrong to Prowl.

"I don't know. Just- just-" tears welled in the gray eyes.

"It's okay" Ironhide traced his fingers over Prowl's cheek, gentle, heart going out to him as he realized what was wrong, as old memories resurfaced to mock him for forgetting, forgetting that one day they'd been somewhere together, so much more inexperienced than they were now, when those other two were so much farther along than them, with such different tastes. They'd heard the screams, and maybe, just maybe, Prowl hadn't been able to forget, hadn't realized the true emotion behind them. "You can be scared. It's okay." He kissed Prowls' damp cheek.

"It's not. It's really not. I don't want to end up associating you with pain. I love you. What if that happens?" Ironhide realized that he should have known, should have realized, hated that he hadn't. Prowl always over-thought, over-analyzed. It made perfect, predictable sense that he would feel the same in this situation. He was still the same Bot. He would still feel the same.

"I'm sorry. I'm going about this all wrong." How could he have forgotten? He was going to kill those two for hurting his Bot like this, however indirectly. "Give me another chance?"

Prowl could agree to that. Could give Ironhide that, and perhaps, that was the best thing Ironhide could have done for him in that very instant.

"Of course."

They ended up at the Bots' nearly-empty apartment. "Better?" Ironhide murmured, settling himself beside Prowl on the bed, kissing him softly and drying his tears. Prowl nodded. "You remember that time we almost walked in on them, huh?" Another silent nod. "What you have to remember about them," Ironhide said, brushing away a tear on Prowl's cheek, "is that they are different. There's a lot of different kinds of love, and we aren't like them." Prowl offered a weak smile.

"Thank Primus for that." He still had that deep concern in his eyes, though, scared, scared it would hurt, scared of trusting too much, too little, just  _scared_.

"I would never do that to you" Ironhide promised, "I couldn't, and I won't." He leaned over to kiss Prowl softly, "This will be what you want." Prowl nodded, silent, and for a moment, Ironhide was scared, but of something quite different.

"I want you."

And Ironhide knew everything was going to be all right for them.

"You're sure this is what you want?" He pushed himself up, looking down at Prowl. He knew Prowl, though, knew a simple 'yes' wasn't going to be true. There was no chance he'd do anything to Prowl that the Bot didn't want. He wasn't going to lose Prowl again.

"More than anything." Finally, that excited anticipation was back in his eyes, if still battling concern, "just… just go slow."

"I'll play nice" Ironhide kissed him, deep, wanting more, "I promise." Ironhide's favorite speed was fast and rough, but if Prowl didn't, Ironhide would wait until Prowl himself asked it. He nearly laughed aloud when he felt Prowl's hands slip up under his shirt, his touch slow, careful. "Trust me." Another sweet kiss, tasting of  _I promise I won't hurt you._ It was nearly impossible to slow down to the pace Prowl needed, but the thought of Prowl's trembling fear was reminder enough.

He'd always known Prowl wouldn't be a screamer. What he hadn't known was that Prowl would still leave him always wanting more.

Ironhide crawled up next to Prowl, kissing him before lying down beside him. "You're sure I didn't hurt you?" he asked, again. Prowl smiled, reaching for him.

"You didn't." He snuggled up against Ironhide, and, Ironhide was relieved to see, there was no fear in his eyes anymore. "Hey, Hide?"

"Hmm?" Ironhide closed his eyes, breathing in that warm, addicting scent that was purely Prowl. Like cologne, only unique.

"Thank you," Prowl breathed, barely audible, "I know you didn't want to go that slow. And… and I really love you. And… it's just… amazing, that you can understand even though I can't really explain it."

"I get what you mean, Prowler." Ironhide murmured. "I love you."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam was just a little bit jealous. Nothing he couldn't live with, but he couldn't help the pang of envy. Bee wouldn't talk about the sparkmates issue, and Sam didn't dare bring it up. It wasn't important enough that he break Bee's heart again to ask. But all the same, the concept of Sparkmates was beautiful. It was like the idea of soulmates, but  _real._ He wondered what it felt like- and if he already knew.

That was what Sam wondered most of all. If he did know what it felt like, to love someone that deeply.

He had no way of knowing for sure, had only his own feelings to go on. But watching the other Sparkmates, Sam felt that, even if Bee didn't feel the same way, he loved Bee that much. Watching Sideswipe and Sunstreaker snarl at each other and then always, always return to each other, watching them fight and apologize and never give up on the other. Watching Prowl and Ironhide talking softly together, watching Ironhide pretend he wasn't moved to tears when Prowl gave him a rose, watching them work out mild irritation with each other.

And then feeling like nothing else in the world existed when Bee smiled like  _that_. He would throw his arms around Sam and said he'd  _missed_ Sam, and was it pathetic that it had only been a day since he'd seen him and still missed him this much? Moments like that, Sam wanted nothing more than to trade away anything, anything in the world, just to stay. It wasn't that the smile Bee had just for him would be for someone else, no, that wouldn't hurt nearly as much. It was that Bee would never again be so happy.

Sam felt sure they had something beyond even love.

But Bee never said anything about it, so Sam left that already-fractured heart unbroken, and said nothing too.

Sam pushed those thoughts out of his mind, snuggling up to Bee and denying the details of his thoughts to Bee when he asked.

"I can tell you're thinking about  _some_ thing important" Bee's stubborn tone wasn't meant to amuse, but Sam couldn't help a smile anyways, "you can tell me."

No, Sam couldn't, not that.

"Just thinking about how it could be possible for a human to live that long, is all." He avoided telling his immediate thoughts, offering up the other topic he'd been thinking over for quite some time.

"I'm not going to do it." Bee repeated. If Sam could save voice files, he could count how many times Bee had refused that. "I'm not going to."

"What you  _would_ do." Sam kissed Bee's neck. "Just tell me, please? I just want to know. Curiosity. Indulge me a bit, would you?"

"If I could" Bee murmured, "If I could, I would have a shard of my spark-" he looked down at his fingers, index and thumb pressed together like he was holding a piece of glass that wasn't really there, "and it would have to fuse with your heart. The electricity would overtake it, wrapping around it and spreading inwards," He spread his hand out over Sam's chest, above his heart. Long fingers, strong hands, Sam loved that part of Bee, too. "which would hurt. It would be a shock to your heart at first, and then that would get enveloped in the electricity, absorbing it, kind of… smothering it, a little. And then it would take a little while, maybe a few minutes, before you'd have more of a spark than a heart. You'd have a sparkpulse, not a heartbeat. It sounds a little different, but not very. Just faster." Sam moved slightly, so his ear was against Bee's chest, and he could hear what Bee was talking about. His sparkpulse sounded like a heartbeat, but a little faster. Bee ran his fingers through Sam's hair absently, going on in the same quiet tone, "And other things would have to change, of course. After all, human bodies only last a hundred years. Bots have to live for so much longer. Thousands of years. I don't know the equivalent. But it feels like time has different speeds sometimes. You have to tell yourself you're living a human lifespan, not look at it in the greater scheme of a Bot's lifetime, so our years won't look like less than a week's time. But that ability to outlast natural time's parameters… it requires a lot more."

Sam had to steel himself not to be hurt by the wistful tone to Bee's voice. It was like Bee was describing some wonderful memory he wanted to relieve, but it wasn't a memory, it was just a dream.

"Your blood would change composition" He trailed a fingertip down Sam's chest, as if following the flow of blood, "everything would be stronger, so it could last so much longer. Your immune system would change, able to heal itself. Everything's done so time has less effect. It's like cheating time, living on one planet and living with the timeframe of another."

He was silent for a few minutes, and all Sam heard was the near-silent pulse of Bee's spark, almost identical to his own heartbeat, but different enough to create the one obstacle they could not overcome.

"It would hurt. It would feel like you were dying. And in the end… you wouldn't be completely human anymore. You might still feel human, but you wouldn't really  _be_ a human anymore." Sam tilted his head to press a kiss to Bee's lips, and tasted tears. "Maybe we shouldn't talk about this anymore. It's not helping. I mean…" He paused, looking down at Sam, "I'd rather think about how much time I  _do_  have with you."

"Me too" Sam whispered, even as his mind replied,  _there's not much, not enough._ Even as irritation he didn't want to admit to coursed through him.

"Why do you always bring it up? I know you hate that I won't do it." Bee's voice made Sam look up.

"Not really sure. Just wanted to know, I guess." And wear Bee down until he gave in. But that obviously wasn't working. "You don't like talking about it?"

"No." Bee was practically snapping at him.

"But it's something we have to think about, you know?" Sam pushed himself up to look down at Bee, "You can't really want to take the easy way out? I'm not gonna fight with you again, but I swear it looks like you don't  _want_ me for that long. Even if you do."

"I do. You think I don't? I want you. I love you. And I need you, too." Bee spat out the last line like he hated it. Sam blinked. Needed?

If he needed Sam, how could Bee be letting him go?

"Need? Honestly?" He saw the scowl on Bee's face and withdrew the tone, better matching it to how he felt, "Really? How?"

"I just…" Bee locked his jaw, looking away, kicked at the covers a little, squirming around because Sam knew- oh, how well he knew Bee, it was tragic that he couldn't spend so much more time figuring him out, time Bee wouldn't allow him to have- he hated talking about how he felt sometimes. "Losing you… it's like, you keep me human." His gaze flickered to Sam, cautious, then away, "I thought that part of me died a long time ago. I don't want to lose it again. I don't know what it's like to be a human. I was supposed to be one, yeah, but now, I'm supposed to be a Bot and a human. Not some… not some fucking holo. But I couldn't be a real human before, there was no reason to be."

"But- no one else has said anything about that. You've all got the holo program, so-"

"No one else? Of course no one else has. They're all just Bots. They  _know_ exactly who they are." Bee had a sharp edge to his voice, "They use the holo program but they don't live it. It's not part of who they are. They've always known that." And Sam remembered Ratchet telling him, telling him that Bee hadn't always known he was human, that he'd had the news broken to him, and Sam had never truly wondered if that was hard to hear.

"So let me stay."

"I  _want_ to. Fucking… I want to. I do." And his silence begged Sam to understand. To accept.

Sam couldn't, but he wanted to try.

"It's not that you make me remember what it's like to be a human. Because I can't. It's like you're teaching me how." Bee said slowly.

"Any human could do that."

"No." Bee shook his head, biting his lip. "You think I'll ever get close to another human again? No." He drew in a sharp breath, looking away, "Almost wish I didn't know what I was missing. Primus. What a fucking mess. And yet…" He looked back up at Sam, "You make it all worth it." Sam slid back down to lie next to him, slipping an arm around Bee.

"Wish I could make it better, too."

Sam kissed him tenderly, wished things were simpler. Wished it didn't have to be this way, that it wasn't this hard on Bee, pushing him from being fine to completely snapping, that it would all work out in the way he felt they'd earned, that they deserved.

And wondered, again, as he had countless times before, what could be so terrible as to discourage Bee from letting Sam stay.

Because when Sam weighed the positives and the negatives, nothing in the world could compare to the possibility of staying with the one he loved beyond what he could have ever thought possible.

"If I could…" Bee murmured, "I'd do it in a sparkpulse. I can't, but I wish I could."

Sam didn't doubt him, but he couldn't understand him, either.

Sam didn't know what Bee was taking into account, what could make it such a worthless, worthless risk.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This time, the room wasn't empty.

This time, the entire Special Ops team was in the room, but it didn't make any difference.

Lennox was in a foul mood, due to the combined effects of a parking ticket (Ironhide claimed he hadn't seen the sign, but really, he'd just fallen asleep), his cell phone getting broken (he'd dropped it while on top of a ladder), a sleepless night (his daughter had the flu and had cried through most of the small hours in the morning), and the café being out of his favorite kind of bagels.

And a bad mood meant an irritated lecture on one of his ultimate pet peeves.

"See this?" Lennox pointed to the wireless computer mouse. "This is called a mouse. It's wireless. Which means that it can get lost. This is why we are very careful with it. We have lost forty-seven of these in the past year. We've spent over a thousand dollars on these damn little things  _alone._ If I ever find out who's accidentally walked off with one, I will send them on a search- across the entire  _country_ if I have to- to get it back. And watch." Mouse in hand, he waved his arm around in the air. "It can move without getting broken. Now. See this?" He held up the other mouse, which was attached to a frayed wire. "This is also a mouse. It is not wireless. Which means that if you yank it away from the desk, it will  _break!_ We've broken _fifty-two_ of these! Over two hundred dollars spent on these stupid little things because  _some_ of you cannot seem to get it straight! These, you can move around.  _These,_ you can definitely  _not_ walk away from the desk with! Do not mix up these mouses-"

"Captain?" Tanner raised his hand. Beside him, Chris sighed and hid a smile.

"Yes?" Lennox looked up from his study of the broken wire.

"Isn't the plural of 'mouse' actually  _mice?_ Not  _mouses?"_

"Tanner-" Lennox gritted out through his teeth, "Do you know what the plural of 'death' is?"

"Uh… deaths?"

"Exactly. But here's the funny thing. There's a plural form, but you can't die twice. So when I kill you for pissin' me off, you aren't gonna come back!" The other team members snickered.

And suddenly went dead silent.

"Captain" one of the newer recruits raised a hand, "Why is the monitor doing that?" Lennox turned.

The radar was flashing. Quick flash, quick flash, and suddenly, the point on the radar vanished.

"The Decepticons-"

Then a building exploded.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunstreaker was going to die.

Worse than that, his entire world was going to end, but he would have to keep on living, if it could even be considered that anymore.

Sunstreaker couldn't imagine his life without him, couldn't live without him.

_Is this how he felt?_

"This way. I'm over here." Ratchet's voice made Sunstreaker flinch. "The light?" Ratchet asked, more gently. Sunstreaker readjusted the lamp, its light as bright as they dared, not wanting to attract attention to the hastily set up medical camp. Ratchet bent back over the table, the hum of tiny lasers continuing. Arcee had taken down a Decepticon, but had paid a price that could lock her into the same place as the Con she had destroyed. Sunstreaker wanted to ask if she was going to be okay, but words froze into silence. He wanted to be over there, over where the light wasn't, but Ratchet needed him here.

"We've done all we can for him" Ratchet said softly, drawing Sunstreaker's gaze to him, "He has a very good chance now." Sunstreaker could only nod silently, unable to say the words crushing him.  _If he doesn't live, I can't either._

Memories continued to torment him, as they had for the past- how long? He couldn't keep track of time now. Too long. His voice, telling Sunstreaker he loved him, hated him, needed him, loved him. Sunstreaker couldn't live without hearing that voice, seeing that smile, feeling that touch. Like Sunstreaker's life was only whole with his there beside it, like his own life would crumble and fall into that vast nothingness of space, without his other half to hold him up.

He looked again into that darkness, could just make out the other med table.

_This is how he felt._

Sideswipe woke to a dark night sky, flickering lights from far away, and the sound of metal hitting metal.

"Don't  _touch_ that." Ratchet snapped, and Sideswipe could see another wrench being flung past them.

"I  _didn't!"_ Skids's voice, "Man, I did  _not_ sign up for this!"  _This_ looked to be Ratchet's field surgery setup, far away from the- Sideswipe remembered, all at once, why he'd ended up where he was. He tried to sit up, found it was far more difficult than it should have been. "Sun…?" Ratchet was at his side instantly, forcing him back down and readjusting cables, "Where's Sunstreaker? Is he okay? He was-" he'd been right beside Sideswipe and then- then something had happened, and Sideswipe had recollection only of the marvel at Sunstreaker's absurdly heroic behavior, and nothing more.

"He's perfectly fine. He's right over there where I sent him with Arcee. He's fine." Ratchet unhooked several system-monitoring cables, one hand gesturing off into the darkness, "he'll be here momentarily, I'm sure. He's been hovering for some time no-"

"Swipe!" Sunstreaker had bolted over mere sparkpulses after Ratchet had said he would, "you're okay, oh, thank Primus you're okay-" Sideswipe caught Sunstreaker's hand in his own, holding on as tightly as his drained strength would allow. Sunstreaker sank to his knees beside the makeshift bed, optics fixed on Sideswipe, not noticing as Ratchet slipped away, leaving them alone. "I thought- Primus, Sides, I thought you were going to die…" His voice quavered, like this had been the only thought in his mind, and had been killing him from the inside out, "I really thought I'd lost you…" He put his head down on the bed, shoulders trembling, "Primus, Sides, I couldn't stand losing you. I  _hate_ you- you were being so  _stupid,_ risking your life like that, I wanted to shoot you myself- but I could never live without you... I never thought I'd have to." Optics flickered up to meet Sideswipe's, "I was so scared. Being without you… It looks different, from being that close… I'd never felt like that… I never want to feel that way again… it was like… like everything was _over…"_

Sideswipe had known Sunstreaker loved him, he'd always known that.

But he'd never truly understood just how much.

"Is that how you felt?" he asked softly. Sideswipe wanted to say he hadn't, just so that Sunstreaker wouldn't feel even worse than he already did, but it would be a lie.

"Yes."

Sunstreaker looked away, turning his face into his arm.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know how you lived through that for so long…" his voice broke, mournful tone enough to break a heart alone, "I just… I can't believe you're okay. I can't even tell you how scary it was."

"I love you, Sunny" Sideswipe murmured, squeezing his hand, "I'm gonna be here with you. I promise."

Footsteps made both look up, to find Ratchet beside them, small monitor in hand, one both recognized. It was Ratchet's practice to copy and check the last minutes of recorded memory of any who were injured badly in battle, as Sideswipe had been, to glean any useful information, but rarely did he look so worried by it. "Your memories of just before you fell show Starscream attacking, but I couldn't see anything else. I did hear voices-"

"Oh, no." Sideswipe would have sworn his spark had frozen for a pulse, "Bee. Dammit, I saw him heading towards Bee- is he okay?"

"I was hoping you could tell us."

xxxxxxxxx

Acts of heroism were rarely guided by logic. No matter how logically-minded the being, emotion ran rampant, shoving aside unnecessary logic. Perhaps it was a technique, to avoid regret and heartache later, when a lack of heroism would have let a life go unsaved, but that was only true when the hero escaped unscathed.

And this time, he hadn't.

Bee fell next to where Sam had collapsed- he'd taken a shot meant for Bee, and Bee was still unable to try grasp the magnitude of what Sam had done, too stunned to truly realize- not hearing the scream of metal above them, or the clash of weapons or the hiss of an ion cannon. He ignored the wail of pain in his own body, feeling only that panicked, trembling horror he'd never, ever wanted to feel. He bent over Sam, trying to figure out if he was okay-  _he has to be-_ whose the blood was-  _let it be mine and not his-_ whether he was hurt-  _Primus, no, anything but that-_ and why he wasn't moving-  _please, please, not that-_ and he couldn't quite comprehend what he was seeing, not yet, not yet, panic seizing him and holding tight and he was scared it would never let him go.

And Sam wasn't moving, wasn't moving at all, and dread like none other started spreading through Bee, a sickened horror that gripped him and would never let go if it was truly real, what he was seeing.

"Sam! Sam, get up!" Bee's hands searched for the source of all the blood, couldn't find it, couldn't, "get up, get up, get up!"

How many times had he heard those words? No matter who had fallen, the only plea was to  _please, please, get up,_ some of the few words that lasted through eras, words that should have died but wouldn't, words that were always there, like that could solve everything if they could just-

"Sam!" he felt the weak pulse of Sam's heartbeat beneath his fingertips, but he couldn't even see the skin there, it was covered by blood and Bee knew, just knew, he'd found where all the blood was coming from. "No, no, no, no, no,  _no-"_ Why couldn't he have moved a fraction faster, held onto Sam a moment longer, _why-_ "Sam!" Tears blurred his vision, but he could still see the pooling blood, see nothing else but that.

"Please" Sam's voice was so soft, it was like it was already gone, like he was fading away and his voice was the first to go- "I want to stay with you, Bee."

"But- but-" Even as he tried to refuse, the shard of spark had already jumped to his fingertips, pulsing, slowly burning, "I'm sorry, Sam, I'm so sorry-"

He couldn't see his fingertips anymore, where they pressed against the open wound, trying to hold it together, could just see the seeping blood, staining his fingers crimson, a sight he would never, never forget.

"Love you more than enough to want to stay" Sam's fingers found Bee's hand, urged him to keep going, "I love you."

It was too late. He could feel it. Even as he forced the shard through Sam's skin to meld against his heart, even as the spark's pulse overtook that of Sam's heart, it was too late.

"No, Sam, no, you can't leave, not like this-" There was nothing he could do, but there had been, if he'd just _listened_ before, maybe Sam wouldn't be- Bee shuddered to think the word, as sobs threatened to overtake him, "please, please, Sam, don't, you can't-"

There shouldn't have been that much blood.

"Sam!" He wiped away more of the blood, frantic, and when he finally saw the cut, he couldn't keep away the sobs that shook his frame. The gash was deeper than he'd expected, he could even see the faint glow from the spark that had been too late to save Sam, so deep, there was no way he could ever recover, but Bee wasn't going to think of that, he just  _wasn't_. "You're not supposed to die now! It's not fair, you shouldn't have to- please, please, Sam-" it was useless, but he kept trying anyways to stop the blood, "I should've let you stay, Sam, I should've listen to you, I'm sorry, but you can't go now! You shouldn't- shouldn't lose your _life_ for the Bots, Sam, it's not  _fair,_ the world can't  _work_ like that- Sam!"

Primus, he'd never known here could be so much blood, but it couldn't be, it just  _couldn't be that bad,_ because if it was-

"Dammit, Sam, I can't live without you, I can't, I need you, I really do, I love you so much, Sam-" The tears that fell to mix with the blood shimmered for a moment before drowning in the deep crimson, "Please, please, please-" He didn't know if Sam could hear him, but he had to hear, just had to, because he  _couldn't_ be. Tears burned in Bee's eyes, the image he'd never, never wanted to see wavering before him. "You can't go, Sam! Please! Please, please, please, Sam!"

Something was still burning, but nothing else mattered, nothing save for Sam; Bee looked around frantically for someone, anyone, but no one was there. The shard of spark had a dull glow, but it shouldn't have been that dark, should have been brighter- "I should have done this sooner, I know, I know I should have, Sam, and I'm sorry-" He struggled to find evidence of the spark pulse, but everywhere he tried, his fingers trailed through blood that dulled the sensation, "I only didn't because I was scared, Sam- I was scared I'm sorry-" Where was the pulse? Why couldn't he  _find_ it?

Bee couldn't accept that it just wasn't there, because it  _had to be._

"You can't leave, Sam" Bee begged, sobs choking him, all the words he'd sworn never to say tumbling from his lips, because he'd been wrong not to say them, wrong to try and protect Sam when truly, no one could, not when it was happening like this, "You're my Sparkmate, Sam, it's you, so you can't leave, you just  _can't!"_ He forced back tears, couldn't, "you, and no one else. I should have told you, I know I should have, but I didn't and I'm sorry, I'm' so sorry, but you're my Sparkmate and you're the only one ever-and I didn't tell you and I didn't want you to stay because-" Tears stung his eyes, making it harder to draw in breath, "because I was scared it couldn't be you because you're a human, and that I just thought it was you because I love you so much, because- because if it's not you, and if I'm wrong- then you'd die, Sam, the spark would kill you because it wouldn't be the one that counteracts you, and I didn't want you to die for me" his voice hitched, the painful burn in his throat like when he couldn't talk, but it was worse, so much worse now, "But now you are and I'm sorry- I need you, I love you, I love you more than you ever knew-please, Sam, you _can't-_ I  _love_ you, Sam!"

The city was burning, but fires could be extinguished and would eventually fade to cinders, walls would be rebuilt, smoke would clear. But in the midst of all the chaos and fire, Bee's entire world faded away, farther from him than even the distant star he used to call home, and even as he searched frantically for evidence that Sam could be saved, he failed to find his last thread of hope.

It was breaking.

"No, Sam, no- _please!_ Please, please… not- oh, God, please, not  _now-_ not this  _soon-_ Primus, please, please, _no-"_ A sob caught in his throat, tears filling his eyes as he struggled to stop the bleeding, even as the fading glow of the spark told him,  _too late, too late, too late._ But he had to keep trying, because if he lost Sam- he would lose everything. Sam  _was_ everything to him, he made the entire world matter. And so much more. He was keeping Bee human, keeping the world together, and if he was gone- Bee couldn't bear to consider what would happen, how the world was going to fall apart, how he would be nothing, feel nothing but how Sam was missing, how he  _needed Sam_. He kept trying to stop the bleeding- it had become the only thing he wanted in the world, like if he could  _just_   _stop_ all that blood, Sam would get better- even though Bee already knew, as he sobbed, still begging, because as much as he'd insisted it would have to be this way, he didn't know it could hurt  _this much,_ that it would feel like the entire world was ending and that without Sam, there would be nothing left in his world, " _no-_ don't leave me, Sam, please- I _love_ you! _Sam!"_

Sam's heartbeat was gone.

Broken.

This time, there was no meaning in that silence, nothing, nothing, no meaning at all, and there never would be again. Bee had never before heard such an empty silence, no words and no meaning, just that empty void, nothing left, nothing at all, and his heart broke for the last time.

Bee's heart died with Sam.

Broken, gone, meaningless.

_"Sam?"_

Silence.


	26. Chapter 26

Bumblebee had died. He was still living, still breathing, still there, but he felt gone inside. Sam had been gone for a mere day, a day that had felt like an eternity and boded miserably for the rest of Bee's life.

Sunstreaker felt absolutely helpless, but he was doing his best. Words didn't seem to mean anything anyways; no matter what he said, nothing was going to bring Sam back to Bee.

Sideswipe should have been here, dammit. He was the only one that had been making any headway at all. Somehow- Sunstreaker hated how intimate Sideswipe was with the subject- he knew just what to say. He'd gone out searching for Ratchet again (Sunstreaker found it odd that Ratchet was completely absent, but Sideswipe seemed to go so far as to suspect something about it), leaving Sunstreaker to cuddle Bee in his lap and say nothing at all. No matter who was there, he knew it wasn't going to truly make Bee feel like he could live again. The only person in the world who could have healed that broken heart was gone and wasn't coming back, and Sunstreaker wished it was any other way.

The other Bots had thought it best to leave Bee to his grief and not interfere, but Sideswipe had known better, and Sunstreaker knew not to doubt him. Without Sam, Bee was falling apart. Sunstreaker was scared Bee would eventually lose himself, because he'd already lost his reason to be. What was worse was that Bee was only ever a human for Sam, and that beaus it was impossible for him to sleep, he didn't have near enough energy to change back to the form that hurt him less.

Sideswipe closed the apartment door behind him quietly, looking in at the pair before him. Sunstreaker heard him immediately, dark eyes flickering to find him, silently asking what to do, an echo of pain on his face he wouldn't talk about. Sideswipe knew what Sunstreaker saw every time he looked at Bee, knew he was envisioning the time after his own deactivation and the heartbreak of his own lover. "If you made it," he'd asked a few hours ago, "Can't he?" And Sideswipe still had no answer for him.

"Hey." He crossed the room, Sunstreaker moving aside to let Sideswipe take his place. "Didn't find Ratchet," he said softly to Sunstreaker, who sighed. Exchanged a look that said  _no better than when you left,_ that said,  _please unbreak his heart,_ that said,  _what could I say?_ and that said, more silently than the rest,  _I'm sorry you were like this._ Sideswipe wanted to kiss him then, but knew how utterly cruel that would be to Bee.

"Weird how he's disappeared." Sunstreaker mumbled, "You okay if I go talk to Optimus? He might know where Ratchet is."

"Yeah." Sideswipe then sank down onto the couch beside Bee, "Hey." He'd never asked Bee if he was okay, as all the other Bots had, he knew how worthless the question would be. Bee turned amber eyes to him, brimmed with tears, still said nothing. Hadn't since Sam- Sideswipe still couldn't bring himself to so much as think the word. He just held his arms out to Bee, and the Bot- human? Bot? Sideswipe doubted even Bee himself knew now- crawled into his lap and held onto him tight. "I know you miss him." His words made Bee's breathing hitch. "And I know it hurts. But he loved you. That's what matters. He loved you, and nothing can take that away from you."

Sunstreaker still hadn't left yet, still stood there, still seeing a day he hadn't been alive for.

"You haven't lost all of yourself. Loving him is an important part of you. And nothing's going to change that."

Sunstreaker knew where the words came from. They were the ones Sideswipe had needed to hear and hadn't. And maybe now they could save Bee in time.

"And no matter what, it's the best thing in the world that you had that time together. He loved you, Bee."

Bee wanted to ask whether it would always feel like he was dying, or whether the pain would eventually numb into a perpetual state, but he couldn't. Words froze on his lips, burned away by the pain that wouldn't let him go. It was worse than when he couldn't talk, when he had so much to say and couldn't. He could now, but had no words left. It was like everything he would ever say was lost to that somewhere he couldn't find, had gone with Sam- gone, his mind whimpered,  _gone._ He couldn't face the real word. Couldn't. Not when he could have  _prevented_ it. Not when he could have saved Sam.

He could still hear Sideswipe's voice, and he was endlessly grateful. He couldn't tell him, though, couldn't seem to find the voice he'd just been given back, but somehow, Sideswipe seemed to understand. It was the worst kind of understanding, though, to have experienced the same pain and know what Bee needed to hear only because Sideswipe himself hadn't found the same comfort anywhere so long ago. Bee didn't quite have the presence of mind to think about it- didn't have the presence of mind to think about anything.

His spark- heart, spark, whatever it was that he had left- longed for Sam, like he'd lost his other half. Not like the world had fallen to pieces- it was like the world had simply vanished, leaving him behind, alone, alienated, and so completely alone. He wanted nothing more than to hide, to shy away from his human form and pretend, if only for a little while, that him as a human didn't exist and that he never had been.

It would be a lie.

It would be a sweet, easy lie, if one he could never forgive himself for, let alone manage.

Sleep would have been an escape, but even that was haunted. Every time, every single time, he neared unconsciousness, memories would come back, sometimes like a storm, sometimes like an icy wind through the cracks in a wall, never something he could survive. But every time he forgot, and, trembling in Sideswipe's arms, he drifted off to a shallow sleep that quieted his tears for the time being.

_The Decepticons had come without warning. He should have known better, should have expected them, but even if he had, could have stopped the inevitable? They would always be after Sam. Using him to target Sam... it wasn't new. They always knew he was going to be Sam's downfall, his ultimate demise. They never should have been involved, he never should have become Sam's weakness. But he never could resist Sam. He wouldn't take back any of it, but how he wished he could change those last moments. How the Decepticons- he'd never hated anything more, never, nothing except fate itself- they had lit the world on fire, let it burn and take everything away to ash. How he'd been trying, again, to get Sam to safety. How a too-close shot had broken his concentration for a millisecond too long, and he'd overlooked the threat from just outside his line of sight. Sam had seen. He would never know what Sam was thinking, but it was painfully obvious what he was feeling. The shot he took was meant for Bee, not him, not that one shot. But without knowing it- or perhaps they had, and if they had, no cruelty more severe could exist, nowhere as cold, nothing as endless- the one shot had killed them both._

Nightmares would haunt him for what felt like forever. But maybe this time he could sleep. Maybe, if he could live past the nightmares, he would see Sam in his dreams.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ratchet was so exhausted, he could barely distinguish one letter from another. His concentration was already spliced by half. Part of him wanted to be with Bee, knew he should be. Should have been there for the Bot he'd raised from a sparkling, who was still in quiet histrionics. Ratchet knew he should be, but he had to do this for Bee. Everything depended on it.

Despite that, when Optimus walked into the study, Ratchet was asleep with the open book as his pillow.

"Don't you think you've been working a little too long?" Optimus's holo's voice had the same tone of deep-set command to it, gentle now, as he came up behind Ratchet to look at the books spread around.

"I don't have much time." Ratchet yawned, sitting up and flipping the page of the book, "I don't know how much I have, but I know it's close to not being enough. I can't waste any of it." Optimus was frowning down at the journal he held.

"Inlay's handwriting was atrocious."

"I know. But that's the best reference I've got." Ratchet sighed. "There's so much he never got around to teaching me. If I'd known all that..." Optimus had heard this frustration countless times before, but Ratchet never failed to be angered by it.

"You've saved a lot of lives already."

"But if I'd known all he knew, it would have been miraculous. Even though-" Ratchet shook his head, pushing aside the one book to take up another, "sometimes I wonder if he did the right thing for Bee. I mean, look at him now..." He flicked through pages, searching, "All I can do now is try and save him again." He pushed aside the second book, reaching for a third, "But I need to know what happened. I would ask Bee, but-"

"He isn't able to talk about it" Optimus finished quietly.

"Yes. Did you see what happened?"

"I did." Optimus handed the journal back to Ratchet. "So many things were happening at once it was a marvel that nothing happened before that. But Soundwave caught them by surprise. He knows that the best way to hurt Sam is through Bee, and fired on him. Sam saw it, even if Bee didn't."

"Sacrificed himself to get Bee out of the way?"

"Yes." Optimus sighed. "It should have worked, but... didn't. Bee tried to save him after he got shot. He tried to turn Sam's heart to a spark but it was too la-"

"He did what?" Ratchet spun around to gape at Optimus, "He did  _that?!"_

"Because he was a human, his spark allowed him to do so. So he tried."

"So... Sam's heart became part Spark?" Ratchet was still in some sort of shocked state, and Optimus couldn't understand why, just nodded yes. "I had no idea Bee had tried that."

"Does that change anything?" Optimus asked. Ratchet didn't answer, flipping through the journal again, back to words he'd once read over and over again during his attempts to unlock the meaning stowed away behind the words. "Does it change the rules of what's going on?"

"I…" Ratchet shook his head, not looking at Optimus, "I think it changes the game."

"This isn't a game."

"Sure it is. What else could it be? You can win, lose-" Ratchet stopped on a page, running his finger along the line, "And cheat."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"This is terrible..." Lennox was staring down at the typed list in his hand, shaking his head. "Absolutely terrible..." Tanner hated being the messenger of these lists and stood before Lennox, shifting from one foot to the other, wishing he was elsewhere. "How could there be this many? Even one is too many!" Tanner could only nod in silent agreement. He'd attempted to shove this job on Chris, but the woeful green eyes were hard to resist. "No one from the Special Ops team." Lennox mumbled, half to himself, "But twelve from other teams. Seven officials. And- Goddamnit" He hissed suddenly, glaring at the page, "Arcee? Arcee died?" Tanner nodded.

"Because of Soundwave. She killed him, though."

"She would have liked to know that." Lennox ran his finger down the list. "Four civilians." Another soft bout of swearing. "I hate when civilians are involved..."

Tanner noticed when Lennox suddenly drew in a sharp breath, looked up.

"Sam." Lennox breathed, slowly shaking his head no, "God, no, not Sam..."

" _What?"_ Tanner snatched the list back from Lennox, and his eyes widened, "Sam? It can't be, it just- fuck it, he  _can't_ have died!" He let Lennox take back the paper, staring down at the floor, "Who else?"

"That's it."

"So..." Tanner exhaled slowly, and not even that bitter fear could keep him from feeling a heartbroken sympathy, "Bee's still here."

"Yes."

"He must be..." No words could describe it, though. Nothing could explain the extent that loss reached, how so much of Bee was now gone. "Fuck. That poor Bot." He started away.

"Where're you going?"

"To talk to Bee" Tanner shrugged a shoulder. "Just... he must be lost without Sam- What?" Lennox was looking at him, thoughtful look on his face.

"You're better man than I took you for."

"Thank you captain. I enjoy proving you wrong."

Tanner was starting to wonder if he was putting his life on the line, going to talk to Bee, but sympathy was stronger than fear, despite how foolish it may have been. He found Bee at engineering, following Sideswipe around and waiting to be put to work.

"Hi." Tanner wished he'd thought about what to say before he was standing there, being studied under that amber-eyed gaze that so belonged to Sam, "I, uh... just heard about what happened." A brief pause. "I know we've had our... uh... differences." Tanner bit his lip, "But I just... just wanted to say I'm sorry about Sam. You must be... really hurting. And that.... it's just not fair to you."

Bee looked at him a moment, mouthing a silent  _thank you._

"He loved you, Bee."

Bee could have said anything then, any of what he was thinking,  _I know,_ or  _that's what everyone keeps telling me,_ or what he was always, always thinking,  _I wish he was here loving me,_ but his silence said it all for him, and the lack of words itself said so much more.

_I died with him._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Not touching had been agony, but doing so would have caused greater misery to Bee, so Sideswipe had kept his distance from Sunstreaker all day. Sideswipe was staring up at the ceiling of the always-vacant apartment, trying to forget. He didn't want to tell Bee how much pain he was going to be in. Didn't want to tell him how dangerous it was, how there were times he'd feel like he'd lost himself entirely, times when he'd feel like he was dying, times he'd feel already far gone. When the ceiling became invisible in the darkness after half an hour, he turned over so he couldn't see the inescapable darkness. He felt someone climb onto the bed next to him, didn't look over.

"You okay?" A warm hand traced down his back, the touch as familiar as little else was.

"I'm not worried about myself," he mumbled into the pillow. Sunstreaker lay down on his side next to him, one hand continuing to stoke up and down Sideswipe's back.

"I am," he said softly. Sideswipe looked over at him, taking in the concern in those dark eyes, the apology and the regret.

"I guess it's too much like reliving it. He... he really loves Sam. He doesn't even know how much that's going to hurt him later." He turned his face back into the pillow, "it's fucking agony, watching that happen to someone else. And it's all because he loves Sam. If he hated him, it wouldn't hurt that much."

"Love and hate both connect you emotionally to someone."

"But if he didn't love Sam, he wouldn't be so... broken. It's killing him." Sideswipe sighed. "I really, really don't want to think about it."

"Okay." Sunstreaker pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, "Can I distract you?"

"Mmm. Please do." He couldn't help but smile; Sunstreaker had always been so bad at refraining from touch for even a day. "You're insatiable."

"So sorry." He was already stripping off his shirt, tossing it aside, "but look at who I've got. Can you blame me?" Sideswipe started unbuttoning his own shirt, looking up at Sunstreaker.

"Nope. Not at all." The thoughtful tone didn't escape Sunstreaker.

"I wish I could tell you not to think about it, but I guess... it's too much a part of you not to." He moved closer, half on his side, one knee between Sideswipe's legs, "I wish it wasn't."

"Me too. But-" he fought for a breath when Sunstreaker slid a hand below the top of his jeans, yanking them off, "I can't change what happened. And neither can you." Even as he remembered that end of the world, his attention shifted again, searching memories for the last time they'd been in a bed. He hurried to undo Sunstreaker's jeans, none-too-gently, flinging them aside when they were finally off. Backseats, floors, desks, boxes, but... a bed... It had been quite a while, he recalled, and Sunstreaker arched an eyebrow at the smile this merited.

"What?"

"It's-  _ah-"_ he gasped aloud when Sunstreaker thrust into him, painful electricity screaming through him, almost in protest, but never without that lust for more, "-it's been a long time since we've been in an actual bed."

"Creativity's what we do best." Another sharp thrust, and there was no way Sideswipe could put together a comprehensive thought anymore. Could only beg for more, faster, more, and Sunstreaker never could resist that desperation.

Making Sideswipe scream had always been something Sunstreaker loved, but, as he collapsed beside Sideswipe afterwards, he had to wonder, as he hadn't in such a long time, if love had anything to do with it. Sideswipe wrapped an arm around him, too exhausted to do much more besides the instinctive need for contact.

"It's not because I love you." His voice broke the silence that had been shattered only by screams for some time.

"What isn't?"

"This. It's... how can it be love? There's no link between sex and love. There's really not." He bit his lip. Sideswipe was running his fingers through Sunstreaker's long red hair, thoughtful look on his face. "It's just... I don't know... fucking... it's... well, yeah. actually, that's all it is. It's purely for how it feels. So where does love meet sex?"

"You always think I've got the answers for this stuff" Sideswipe kissed the tip of his nose, smiling slightly, "but I really don't."

"Maybe I just wish you did." He half shrugged a shoulder, "it'd be easier."

"Well, wanna know what I think anyways?" Sideswipe asked, and he nodded yes. "I think you're right. And that there's really no connection between love and sex, but there is afterwards."

"How so?"

"I'd sleep with just about anyone, but you'd hate that, wouldn't you?" The growling from Sunstreaker confirmed this, "Exactly. I'm just with you because I care about you beyond that. Sex is all instinct, but it's the emotion surrounding it that's gotta do with love. Not during. Before, after, all that." He suddenly grabbed Sunstreaker and cuddled him close, making Sunstreaker moan and purr in delight, "You're the only one I want to wake up to."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sideswipe was so Primus-damned tired of not finding Ratchet. The plus side of this was that Ratchet couldn't order him to rest- it was a drag, disobeying orders, made him feel even more exhausted than he wanted to admit to, because, he knew, really, he wasn't nearly recovered from the final battle- but he wasn't really bothered by that. Ratchet was the one who had made sure Bee lived through his last tragedy, when he'd been told he used to be a human, and Sideswipe felt sure that Ratchet could do it again. But the Bot had been missing for the past two days, and it was starting to feel like an insult. Sideswipe had had enough by then, and had decided to go find the Bot. He'd left Sunstreaker with Bee- Bee insisted he was fine, but Sideswipe knew better, knew he needed to be with someone, to keep him from drowning in that all-consuming grief- and gone looking.

The medbay had been his third guess, after the research center and the engineering complex, and one of the human doctors had mentioned that he thought he'd seen Ratchet around a few hours or so ago.

That no one else had was sort of suspicious, and under harsh questioning (Sideswipe dearly longed for the convenient cannons his Bot form had, so useful in situations like this) it turned out that the resident had been accidentally wander ding through a portion of the hospital restricted to lower-level workers- he swore it was only because he'd been lost- and he'd seen Ratchet around there. It was the part of the medbay where only Ratchet and a select few others- the cowering resident not included- were allowed.

So Sideswipe had found the normally-locked swinging doors, at the doorway of the Restricted Access hallway, and had waited there for the better part of an hour. And finally, finally, Ratchet had come.

"Where the fuck are you going?" Sideswipe crossed his arms over his chest, staring down Ratchet, "I don't believe that you've got some job or whatever. You'd never shunt Bee aside like that without a damn good reason."

It crossed Ratchet's mind that he should really send Sideswipe back to bed to rest, but there was no chance he'd stay there.

"I had to. Sunstreaker is with him, isn't he? You've been. He hasn't been alone." Ratchet could hear his own guilt himself- how he hated leaving Bee like that, he knew very well that his own presence would have been important, but, as he kept on convincing himself, this was worth it.

"Yeah. But he's not you."

He was saying, in that artful, skewed way, that only Ratchet had gotten Bee through the earth-shattering before. Not like this, though. Nothing was like this. But he had a better chance than most of the other Bots had at comforting Bee.

"You've been doing fine. And you've always seemed so unsympathetic before."

"It's empathy, and only a sparkless Bot would be able to ignore him." Sideswipe wasn't one to be phased by insults, but Ratchet had thought it was worth a try.

"Well, Sideswipe, if you're going to talk at me, at least let me go. I have work to do." Without waiting for an answer from the surly brunette, Ratchet pushed past him. Sideswipe stalked along after him. The hallway was long, white, absolutely unmarked. All the doors stood closed, likely locked. Sideswipe frowned, watching Ratchet tap the air bubbles out of the syringe.

"What're you doing out here?" He held out an arm to indicate the empty hallway, "What's going on, Ratchet?"

"Don't tell anyone. False hope can be worse than any torture if it doesn't pull through." He turned into a room, leaving the door open for Sideswipe to follow. Sideswipe caught the door before it swung closed, stepping into the room.

He couldn't breathe.

False hope could kill, true.

But all he could grasp was that  _Bee might live again._


	27. Chapter 27

Sideswipe had such a big fucking mouth. Ratchet was going to kill him. Sunstreaker had run up to him, eyes shining, (Imagine Bee's thrill, Ratchet thought sadly, if he'd heard of it) babbling incoherently. Ratchet had made Sideswipe swear not to say a word- and already Sunstreaker knew. No doubt he'd gotten seduced into confession. Sunstreaker always knew when something was on Sideswipe's mind. (No one else ever had the faintest clue, however.) But fuck.

"Don't you  _dare_ tell anyone else." The reprimand froze the words Sunstreaker was throwing at him.

"Does that mean-"

"Look." He dragged Sunstreaker by the arm to a hidden spot behind a shelf, "It probably won't work." The bright-eyed smile vanished, (Imagine Bee's sparkbreak). "If we tell Bee even that, it'll be like... like him dying twice."

"Probably won't?" Sunstreaker echoed.

"I just want to try, if only to be able to tell Bee that I truly did all I could for him."

"Oh." Sunstreaker was silent for a few moments "You should still go see him, even if you're not gonna tell him." He said quietly. " You really do mean a lot to him. It's like... like..." He frowned, unable to come up with a comparison, unaccustomed as he was to human life.

"I believe the closest comparison is to being a parent to him." Ratchet supplied. Sunstreaker nodded.

"Think it's because he was human? That he needs that?"

It was odd that Sunstreaker, usually so brashly not attuned to human ways, could pick up on something like that. It had taken Ratchet quite some time to realize it himself. When Bee was a sparkling, his fierce attachment to Ratchet had left the older Bot absolutely bewildered. Other young Bots he saw would grow up under the general supervision of older bots of their team, mostly functioning on their own, already programmed for responsibility and independence. And for the life of him, he couldn't discern why Bee would follow him around, seek his attention desperately, and, most of all,  _wail_  when he left the tiny Bot alone. It had scared Ratchet to  _death_ the first few times. He'd be working in the medbay, Bee, then barely a decade old and not even able to toddle around yet, sitting contentedly on his little berth, humming and giggling until Ratchet picked him up, upon which he would shriek with delight and hang onto him with blissful calmness; the moment Ratchet would set him down and leave the room, though, all happiness would vanish and Bee would start sobbing like he was suddenly in dreadful pain. Even the less dramatic reactions confused Ratchet. Ratchet would give a befuddled sort of praise, all the while confused as to why in the universe Bee cared to obtain  _his_ praise specifically. Bee couldn't care less when Optimus commended him for something- Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots, whose praise other Bots  _worked_ for (Optimus had found little Bee's apathy entertaining)- but when  _Ratchet_ did, Bee couldn't have been happier.

It had started immediately after his "birth", too- after a few times experiencing Bee's utter, sobbing despair when he left the Bot on his own for even ten minutes, Ratchet had turned back to Inaly, convinced the Bot's wiring was wrong due to his species switch. He would have been sparkbroken if the Bot was nonfunctional. Inlay had laughed, told him that Bee was like a human baby, not a little Bot, that he was perfectly normal for a human. After that, Ratchet had stopped leaving Bee in his playpen, carried him more and paid more attention, and, like some sort of unknown magic, Bee had been ecstatic.

"I've spent a lot of time trying to determine just how human Bee is." Ratchet said. "Although there are definitely some aspects where he is far more human than even he realizes." He was silent for a few moments. "How's he doing?"

"Worse, if anything." Sunstreaker sighed. "He really misses Sam... more than that, though. He needs Sam." Sunstreaker turned hopeful eyes to Ratchet, "Can you...?"

"I'm making no promises." What he wouldn't give, to have that old simplicity back, when all it took to make Bee happy beyond anything was a hug and bestowment of praise.

"What exactly are you doing?"

"The closest description of the procedures is transhumanism." Ratchet said, "Using technology to-" he broke off suddenly, looking over Sunstreaker's shoulder. "There's Bee. See you later, Sunstreaker." Sunstreaker pouted as Ratchet crossed the room to where Bee was sitting on a table.

"Walks off in the middle of a  _sentence.."_ he huffed, and he would have gotten irritated over it, but Ratchet was finally going to talk to Bee, and that was enough for him.

Even after so much time, Ratchet still couldn't truly understand the concept of fatherhood. Couldn't understand why his comfort brought some spark of hope back into those eyes, but all that mattered was that he could make a difference.

Even so, it was a little unnerving, like there was too much trust placed in him, the way those amber eyes were fixed on him, like he could make everything better again. He used to be able to. Back when all that was broken was hardwire connections or metal plating, he  _could_ make everything better. But now that Bee had broken his spark, Ratchet felt entirely powerless.

"I know you miss him." Was this how all fathers felt, he wondered, like when their child's world fell to pieces, their own did as well? Bee nodded, but stayed silent, like he'd lost all will to speak. "And I know you're even more upset because you wish you'd given him a spark sooner." Ratchet said softly. Bee's eyes widened. "Of course I know. You refused to do so, and you wish you had." Bee watched him for a few moments, then dropped his gaze and nodded. "But Bumblebee, do you understand what it means, that you wouldn't do that?" Bee bit his lip and said nothing, as usual. "It means you proved your love to him."

Maybe, those bright eyes told him, he could make everything just a little better after all.

"Ultimately, don't you think it showed him that you love him enough to sacrifice yourself? You traded your life for his, by refusing that. It took more strength of love to do that than to let him stay. Bee-" The dark amber eyes met his, "he died knowing you loved him. There was never any doubt that you loved him, and that means more than anything. And he died loving you just as much."

He knew his sparkling hated to hear that word, hated to be reminded that Sam wasn't just  _gone._ "I'm sorry, Bee. I wish it could have ended better for you," he said softly, "But no matter how it ends, it doesn't change what happened. You always did the right thing, and I'm proud of you."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Of course, the reason why Ratchet had sent two of the possibly most  _incompetent_ spies of all the Bots on the information-gathering mission became even less discernable when the two lovers' bickering was interrupted by footsteps, a confrontation avoided only because they dived into a nearby closet merely seconds before the person entered the room.

The door had just closed when the other one opened.

"Don't say a  _fucking word"_ Sunstreaker hissed. Sideswipe waved a hand at him dismissively.

"Your fucked-in-the-head idea to come in here." he muttered, as Sunstreaker leaned against the locked door to hear what was going on in the office.

"It was an  _accident,_ for Primus's sake! I-  _fuck!"_ He flinched violently when Sideswipe bit at his neck.

"You're in a cursey mood."

"You scared me. Now shut up until they leave." Sunstreaker whispered fiercely. Sideswipe arched an eyebrow and said nothing, but that  _did you just tell me what to do_ look was on his face again.

" _I_ sure won't say anything." he said evenly, as Sunstreaker leaned back against the wall, looking up at the nearly invisible ceiling.

"Good." He sounded distracted. "This should be Bee's job, you know."

"Yeah, well, he's not exactly up for it."

"I know. I'm just saying. We suck at it." Sunstreaker pointed out. Sideswipe shrugged.

"If those assholes weren't sneaking around behind our backs, we wouldn't have to do this. Although I know they swore they wouldn't." He watched Sunstreaker for a few moments, as the other Bot listened to the conversation in the other room. "Can't-"

"Shhhh." The harsh shushing did not bring about a favorable response. Sideswipe growled and started a plan of attack. He stepped closer, pressing his lips to Sunstreaker's. "Don't you start that" Sunstreaker whispered when they broke apart. Sideswipe just sneered, sliding down and settling himself on his knees. "Dear Primus, don't you  _dare"_ Sunstreaker hissed. Dark eyes blinked up at him from the dark, and he felt hands running over his hips, up under his shirt. " _Sides...."_ Fingertips brushed below the top of his jeans, running back and forth, before Sideswipe tugged his jeans down a few inches. "Sides-" Sunstreaker was practically moaning, "Primus, Sides-"

"Don't talk, remember?" Sideswipe whispered. Sunstreaker just moaned and leaned back against the wall. Sideswipe always astounded him, with that ability to strip away clothing so damn  _fast._

"You know I can't. You  _know_ that." All he got in return was a wicked smile and a sudden swipe of tongue that made him gasp. "No fair, no fair, no fair-" but what else could he do? Refusal was out of the question, and even protest was weak. Common sense never got its way. " _aaahh_ Sides, that's not  _fair-"_

"What's not?" Big eyes full of innocence, he leaned forward and closed his mouth around Sunstreaker. "How much you want me?" he mumbled around his ministrations. Sunstreaker moaned again, lower, arching forward into Sideswipe's mouth.

"Bad. So bad." He hissed when Sideswipe's hands locked onto his hips, shoving him back against the wall, gentleness a mere memory, holding him firmly there. "Can't I-" The desire to move, for more, burned and smoldered, making him tense and gasp.

"No." The snarl was hotter than Sunstreaker wanted to admit. Primus, but he was turned on by torture. Sweet, snarly, he didn't even  _care_ anymore, just lusted for the interplay of pain and pleasure, that match made in heaven by a conniving demon. He groaned and gave in, spreading his legs wider and receiving a satisfied hum from Sideswipe. "Love when you give me yourself," he murmured in a tone that was half a purr, half a growl, all smirk,

Outside the door, voices rose and fell in a sleep-inducing rhythm. Sunstreaker couldn't hear a single word, and tried to eavesdrop for a moment. Mundane conversation about birthdays- Lennox's was the following day.

Sideswipe growled at this minute slip of attention, and, trailing his tongue upwards, added a tease of teeth in his actions, making Sunstreaker gasp and buck.

His own conscious sneered at him; he was easy, far easier than Sideswipe was. Sunstreaker would have to work for that deep growl he could get out of Sideswipe, and all Sideswipe had to do-

All coherent thought blurred and fell away as Sideswipe drew off him, with something like a bite to flavor it, knowing, just knowing, how to shove Sunstreaker over his edge. He knew both ways- the loving and the brutal, and Sunstreaker could tell just which he was going for. Sideswipe hated being shushed.

Sunstreaker yanked the cool brunette to his feet, and before Sideswipe could process what was happening, Sunstreaker had pressed him up against the wall. "My turn." He nipped at Sideswipe's ear, got snarled at in return. "So that's how you're gonna play. You mad, or just think you're too good?" He never could tell, not completely certain. Sideswipe wasn't helping, just growled at him again. He rarely got this angry, Sunstreaker mused, trailing a hand down his snappish lover's side, unless he was livid over being reprimanded, or over wanting Sunstreaker when he didn't choose to want him. He slipped his hand around Sideswipe's hip, dropping downward. Sideswipe hissed and arched down into his touch, the deep moan expressing that typical mix of pleasure and refusal. "I thought so." Sunstreaker fumbled blindly until Sideswipe's jeans slid to the floor, "You've got yet to just be mad."

"I fucking hate you." Sideswipe's voice grew strained as fingers slid inside him, no warning at all. "Can't - _aaaaah-_ can't tell you how much."

"Sure you could." Sunstreaker's fingers were scissoring and pumping and Sideswipe moaned under his forceful touch, "You already have."

"I-nnnng- have?" Sideswipe arched back against his touch, a sound escaping his throat, a whimper so needy he would have decked whoever claimed it had been his.

"As much as you love me" Sunstreaker purred, adding a third finger to the tune of a sharp intake of breath, "Isn't that right?"

"Not like you don-nnnghh-don't hate me too.." Sideswipe was gasping for breath now, both palms pressed flat against the wall, pressing hard. Primus, but he hated it when his own control was taken away and thrust back against him.

"Just as much as I love you, Sides." Sunstreaker took his fingers away, giving Sideswipe less than a sparkbeat to recover before thrusting into him so hard that Sideswipe gasped and his knees almost buckled, all-but gave out. He mumbled something Sunstreaker couldn't quite catch, about soundproofing and closed doors, but Sunstreaker didn't give him the chance to repeat it. Brief memories of their first time- how long ago had  _that_ been?- going slow and being hesitant, and he held onto the sweet image, even as he moved fast beyond it.

Pain always did taste exactly like pleasure, when the world was turned sideways as it was, like those signals danced and spun together until one was completely indiscernible from the other, and once up was down and the wrong way around couldn't have felt more right, pain didn't just  _taste_ like pleasure, it  _became_ pleasure.

Sideswipe couldn't hold out long, but he was going to try his damndest. He groaned when Sunstreaker thrust into him harder, always harder; there was no chance he'd been stretched enough to take that without feeling it too much, but hell if Sideswipe himself cared. He gasped aloud, head falling back to Sunstreaker's shoulder, breathing ragged. Sunstreaker rocked his hips against him, shivering at the keen this earned him from Sideswipe. If Sideswipe had been a human, he would have been in more pain, both knew that. But as it was, Sunstreaker realized when Sideswipe gasped and cried out in real pain, that he was hurting more than Sunstreaker had intended, as Sideswipe breathed hard and tensed up, begging for Sunstreaker to relinquish. Sunstreaker had to strain to hear the words, " _too much, too much-"_ and, in true contradictory Sideswipe manner, this was followed by, " _more, oh, please, more-"_

"Should I stop?" he whispered into Sideswipe's ear. Sideswipe gave a little mewl of desperation.

"Don't you dare" he growled. Sunstreaker laughed shortly, pressing a hot kiss to hotter skin. He thrust up into that tight heat, rocking his hips back and then thrusting up forcefully; he'd meant to drag it out longer, but it became obvious that Sideswipe couldn't take anymore. Just the one movement had pushed him over his edge, coming hard and silent, gasping for breath as the entire world spun. It wasn't but a few sparkbeats before Sunstreaker followed, that tight heat contracting around him, his low moan reaching Sideswipe's ears. He drew out of Sideswipe carefully, pressing a kiss to the back of Sideswipe's neck as if in silent apology, apology for, once again, taking the pleasure while Sideswipe got the pain. Sideswipe grinned, catching the hand that was against his hip and kissing it softly.

"There's the off chance I love you more than I hate you," he purred.

"Like you could have hid that from me. I know you better than you know yourself." Sunstreaker murmured back. "And you know what?" He got only a tired mumble in response. "I think Ratchet only sent us here to get rid of us."

"Good for him. Let's give him some more time away from us, then." Sideswipe kissed Sunstreaker's fingertips gently, "Some of us would like to recharge for a week."

Later, curled up under a white comforter in the rarely used bed of the Bots' apartment, Sunstreaker was still awake. Sideswipe had fallen into a deep recharge, long frame sprawled across the bed. He didn't steal the covers as much as he stole the entire bed. Sunstreaker was curled up next to him- like it mattered, that Sideswipe claimed the entire mattress as his own, not when Sunstreaker couldn't sleep except when tucked into his side. He couldn't submit to recharge, not quite. He couldn't get the image of his Sideswipe as broken as Bee was now out of his head.

"I know you said you're over it," he murmured aloud, cuddling up to his sleeping lover and closing his eyes, "but I know you were hurting for a long time and I'm sorry and I love you." He felt Sideswipe shift beside him, drop a kiss to the top of his head.

"Love you too, Sunny," he whispered sleepily, "brought my world back when you reappeared"

"So glad I could come back to you" He smiled when he realized Sideswipe was already half asleep. "Lightweight."

"Shut  _up,_ I'm in  _pain."_ Sideswipe ground out, catching Sunstreaker in his arms and hugging him tight. "Thanks to you."

"Well, you're gonna have to wake up soon. We're gonna bake a cake for Lennox."

" _Why?"_

"We owe him for keepin Tanner away." he said. Sideswipe groaned.

"Fine. Fine." He reached over and stole Sunstreaker's pillow, "Then shut up and stop taking up my recharge time."

Sunstreaker just laughed, snuggling into the tight embrace and knowing that, if it had been at all possible, Sideswipe never would have let go of him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was like a losing battle.

Uphill.

In a storm.

Starting out behind.

Hopeless. And if it had been anything else, Sideswipe would have given up. But- but he couldn't give up on Bee. He knew what it felt like to be given up on. Words still,  _still,_ different voices, different tones, from "You didn't really love him, did you?" and "Did he really matter that much to you?" to the truly sparkless (He had yet to speak to Chromia again), "Wasn't it just sex? You didn't even love him." No fucking way was he letting that happen to Bee. And Bee, poor thing, was truly trying, if failing miserably. He didn't have his heart in it. Couldn't, not when his heart wasn't in his possession, not when it had died with Sam.

Bee was watching them with sad eyes, like he wanted to join in but couldn't.

A yelp of shock brought Sideswipe's attention back to where it should have been- the egg in his hand. Sunstreaker was fuming, glaring down at the sticky mess of egg all over his arm. "You missed." He informed Sideswipe icily. Sideswipe smirked.

"Did I? So sorry. You try." With no preamble whatsoever, he snatched the other egg off the counter and tossed it towards Sunstreaker, who, predictably, missed it. He glared first down at the broken egg on the floor, then up at his smirking lover.

"You're cleaning that up."

"You're the one that dropped it."

"You throw one more Primus-damned egg, and I'll  _kill_ you." Sunstreaker flung a sponge at him, "Twice over."

"Hnnnh. You're no fun." Sideswipe snatched up the sponge and sank to his knees on the floor, "Where the hell are Prowl and Hide? They're supposed to be helping with this thing."

"I dunno. Got tied up somewhere." Sunstreaker said, then paused. "You don't think-"

"You mention anything like that, and you're going nowhere but to bed with me." He paused to considered. "Or, y'know, wherever else." He saw Sunstreaker's gaze flicker over to Bee and back to him, frustration joining the hungry look in his eyes. "So shut up." Sideswipe concluded, turning back to the mess on the floor. When he was sure Bee wasn't looking, he reached up and yanked Sunstreaker down onto the floor next to him and gave him a hard, fierce kiss before shoving him back to his feet again. Sunstreaker looked slightly dazed, but considerably more content.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Tanner's appearance next to Bee got a dark look from both of the faux-chefs. "Jeez, no reason to look like I'm the plague itself."

"I will  _murder_ you if you so much as-" Sunstreaker started in, and Tanner held up his hands in surrender.

"I knew he was a psycho, but you too? You're really great for each other." A wicked grin appeared on his face. "Tell me something. If I happened to say that I think you're  _both_ intensely sexy, who would kill me first?" Sideswipe just sneered at him.

"Does it really matter? You'd be dead either way."

"Whatever, I was just wondering. No way am I going to say that." He defended himself, and the two seemed to deem him less of a threat. He had, admittedly, been a lot less threatening since the appearance of Chris in his life. "So, what're you doing? Besides… failing…" He looked pointedly at the six broken eggshells on the counter. Sunstreaker swept them into the trash with a surly look.

"Lennox's birthday is tomorrow." Sideswipe said. "We're making him a cake."

"Strangely nice behavior."

"We owe him." Sideswipe leaned on the counter, facing Tanner, "for keeping you far away." Blunt as usual. Tanner sighed.

"Whatever you wanna celebrate, I guess." He shrugged a shoulder. "You seen Lennox around?" He asked Bee, who shook his head no. As they spoke- well, as Tanner talked at Bee- Sideswipe tugged on Sunstreaker's shirt hem, and Sunstreaker obligingly dropped to his knees.

"I'd go after him first" Sideswipe murmured, and Sunstreaker leaned his forehead against Sideswipe's, kissing the tip of his nose.

"No. I would."

"Nuh-uh."

"Would too."

Sideswipe pressed another hard kiss to his lips and then let Sunstreaker stand back up. Bee had seen, of course. He did appreciate their efforts not to remind him of Sam, but really, it was a hopeless pursuit. Entirely without meaning to, Bee remembered when he first fell for Sam. He wished he could have been dwelling on the agony, but fate was too cruel for that. He was reliving those purely perfect moments, where he could pinpoint exactly what about Sam he was falling so madly in love with. First that smile. Primus, how he'd loved his Sam's smile. And the way his eyes lit up. That sudden, brilliant brightness. And then that embarrassed tone of voice, Bee remembered the first time he'd heard that; he'd inquired as to why Sam kept doing all his studying in the garage with him, and Sam had admitted that he'd just missed Bee. Then that devious smile, and then the way he just knew what Bee wanted to say, even when he couldn't, and then that endless curiosity, and then-

Bee knew he was just torturing himself. It shouldn't have made that dramatic a shift in his life, changing it so much that when he was once complete without Sam, now, it was just obvious that Sam always was the best part of him, and that now that Sam was gone, nothing was the same. It really shouldn't have.

But it felt like he'd been waiting all his life to meet Sam, like there was never anything he was meant to be but Sam's.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dirty little secrets.

Secrets that were never meant to see the light of day.

Twisted, dark, shameful secrets.

That little flicker of shame had roared into a fire that devoured all his will for confession, for release.

He hadn't worried, though, not when Prowl was still too shy to instigate anything, not when his sweet lover still had to be informed, point-blank, that he was the only one Ironhide wanted. And want him he did.

But when Prowl pulled Ironhide onto his lap on top of the boxes, kissing his neck and making that delighted purring sound, Ironhide knew it, with a sickening, twisting dread. Prowl was going to find out just why he'd been so understanding of Prowl's reluctant fear. Ironhide had wanted to be free of that terrible secret, but had been scared. Far easier to act like it was otherwise; no one had doubted him, no one had even thought to. And now it was inevitable he'd be found out. Even as thrill coursed through as Prowl, at long last, had decided to take him the same way Ironhide had, countless times, claimed Prowl for his own, even now, Ironhide was worried. Prowl seemed to pick up on how Ironhide tensed, and made a little inquiring sound.

"Something wrong?"

Primus, but Ironhide didn't want to say it. He knew how long it had taken Prowl to trust him enough, to believe that Ironhide wouldn't snub him when Prowl admitted to wanting him, to needing him. "Hide?" Prowl murmured.

"Nothing." He distracted Prowl, grinding his ass back against Prowl's crotch, "it's nothing." As he'd suspected, Prowl hadn't even heard his last words. Tell Prowl now and he'd get hesitant, might draw away, might never dare to come back.

"M'kay" Prowl gasped out. "if you're sure." A kiss ghosted over Ironhide's neck, Prowl waiting to be told to go ahead.

For a sparkbeat, decisions played out in his mind, back and forth.

Tell Prowl, risk him feeling it was his fault or some excuse, and never feel like he could be himself around Ironhide again. (But he wouldn't want to hurt Prowl like that, not his Prowl, never).

Say nothing, be devoured in fear, but, ultimately, never have to conceal it again. (But Primus, he was going to be so scared the entire time).

"Course I am. It was nothing." Another hard movement got Prowl back to where he wanted to be. Clothing-holos had conveniently vanished, as Prowl licked a line up Ironhide's neck. Ironhide focused on just the feel of Prowl's hands trailing over his skin, repeating to himself, again and again, that there was nothing to worry about, that his sparkmate wasn't even  _rough,_ for Primus's sake. (He had once wondered, but never dared ask, if Sideswipe had been scared after that first time, Primus knew they were rough enough- and wanted to ask if he ever felt  _bad,_ hurting his own lover like that, did he  _like_ it?- but that wasn't the sort of question he wanted to ask). His thoughts fell away when Prowl's finger pressed inside him, making him gasp aloud. Prowl nuzzled at his neck, in a silent inquiry, as he added a second digit. Ironhide just hoped that Prowl would somehow know to go slow- a third finger, pumping, scissoring-  _slower than that,_ Ironhide pleaded silently, knew it would go unheard,  _Primus, please, slower-_ it felt good, nothing but that, but even so- even as pleasure centers got pinged and pinged, even so, something like fear wouldn't leave him. And then Prowl's fingers were gone, and Prowl had pushed into him, slowly, hissing in something like relief. Ironhide arched back against him, moaning, felt himself tense up. Prowl groaned at the sudden pressure, one hand leaving imprints on Ironhide's hip from where he pressed so hard.

"'s so  _tight"_ his low moan barely reached Ironhide's ears, as Prowl thrust up into him, drawing a cry from Ironhide, "you liedto me, didn't you?"

"I- I-" Ironhide couldn't hold onto a conscious thought, not when Prowl rocked his hips up like that, "Yes" he gasped out, as Prowl's hands on his hips tried to hold him steady, as he arched back against Prowl completely without meaning to. Prowl bucked hard, forcefully, unable to help it, and the ecstatic cry showed Ironhide, quite unexpectedly, that he was so close to the edge it was killing him, and then Prowl's sudden thrust made him cry out, as sudden pleasure tore through him, overtaking the pain and drowning it. He heard Prowl's delicious, loud moan as the other Bot overloaded moments after, the rare sound of Prowl forgetting himself.

That made it worth it.

"You didn't tell me" Prowl whispered, and Ironhide felt the long lashes brush his neck as Prowl nuzzled against him. "You'd never done this before. Why didn't you tell me? If I'd known-"

"If you'd known, and I told you now, you would have blamed yourself. I know you." Ironhide struggled to think rationally, as his spark slowly slowed back to a normal pace, "C'mon, Prowler, just try and tell me otherwise." Prowl grumbled at how true this was, kissing Ironhide's neck and saying nothing. "It's okay." He leaned back against the warm chest of his sparkmate- the term still sounded foreign to him, even as everything about it felt natural- felt Prowl sigh and give in. "I love you."

"I love you too" Prowl murmured, "but so help me Primus, you'd better tell me stuff like that next time. I don't like hurting you."

It was just what they'd both always, always known, but never quite realized. Different sorts of love had different emotions involved. Ironhide couldn't be comparing them, it simply wouldn't work. Granted, Sideswipe may have derived pleasure from screams and Bee might have found release in confession, but he and Prowl were never going to have that. He would always have to coax Prowl into being himself, and never cease to treasure the times when he did.

So then he had to wonder.

If love came in so many different, singularly beautiful, what force in any universe gave the world any  _damned right_ to take a lover away?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bee had given up on finding a place that didn't have Sam's memory affixed to it. When Sam was a part of Bee himself, the pursuit was ultimately hopeless. He was standing on the same rooftop as so long ago- long, perhaps, in a human's lifetime, but in his own, merely a blink of time. Bee ran his hands over the icy railing, looking up at the faint stars. This had been where Sam had heard his voice for the first time, one Bee himself hadn't recognized, one Sam had never before heard.

Bee knew it couldn't have worked, but even so, his spark cried that it was just  _wrong._ He was never meant to see this day. He wasn't supposed to be without Sam.

Maybe everyone was right. Sam had been overtaken by time. Bee should have been and had been saved from that; miracles such as that didn't happen twice. Sam was lost to time.  _I want to be,_ Bee thought, again, the thought that had consumed him since Sam's-

_Sam's death._

The words made him shudder and lose even more of himself.

How much more could he lose, until he had nothing left?

The medbay's lights winked at him from across the street, brighter than those of the rest of the electrified city. Burn marks still scarred some walls and streets, but the medbay had withstood. Bee turned his gaze back up to the stars, convinced that if Sam was anywhere, he was somewhere beyond the sky.  _Once we reach the stars, you and me both, then..._ Bee thought, silent, always silent, because without Sam, how could he be,Bee knew his lips would never kiss another but entirely outside his will, his voice would never be heard by another, and nothing in any world could change that, not when Sam had been his entire reason to be anything but silent,  _then…_

_We'll be free…_


	28. Chapter 28

"I have a question for you" Sideswipe's curiously thoughtful tone made Ironhide sigh.

"Dear Primus, What is it now?"

Sideswipe was lying on the ground, one arm behind his head, tapping a wrench against his leg absently. He was supposed to be repairing a machine.

"I heard something from Prowl."

Ironhide groaned inwardly.

"I asked if he's still the sub-mech, but he said he was the dom'facer this time," he said nonchalantly. Ironhide relaxed. That wasn't- "How can a big, sexy mech like you be a virgin?"

Ironhide choked at that. SO much for his hope that Sideswipe wouldn't find out.

"He told you that?"

"By accident. Although I may have threatened him into it. So?" Wicked smirk. Ironhide felt himself turn scarlet.

"I wasn't a total virgin." Primus, he sounded like he was pouting. "I  _had_ interfaced before! Just not as- as a sub."

Sideswipe conveniently ducked back underneath the machine, so Ironhide wouldn't see his smirk. "So you're a _submissive_ facing virgin"

"I  _was."_

"Ah, right" Sideswipe peeked out from under the machine, "Not anymore. Was it fun?"

Ironhide paused Remembered how it felt, but more of what it meant- it meant Prowl trusted him, could be himself with him. He'd never,  _never_ started anything before- and that he could finally just let go with Ironhide...

"Why the hell should I tell you?"

Sideswipe just laughed. "S'okay. I know the answer already." He slid back under the machine. "Is he good?"

"Uh.... yeah. Yeah, he's good. Really good." Ironhide looked down at Sideswipe, "You owe me  _two_  answer to any  _two_ question now."

Sideswipe jolted violently, cracking his head on the machine. "Ow! Fuck! An answer? Hell  _no!"_

"You owe me!"

"No!"

"Do it or I wreck your paintjob."

Sideswipe growled viciously at that. "Fine." He ground out. "One."

"Two, you mean." Ironhide corrected, getting a snarl in return. "I'll make em good ones." Ironhide pretended to think it over, while Sideswipe glowered. "You have to answer it." Sideswipe grumbled and said nothing. "So... I know your first time with Sunstreaker was... ah..."

"Feisty?"

"Yeah. That." Ironhide said, "so... how'd you feel before the second time?"

"How so?" Sideswipe still hadn't put down the wrench, and Ironhide rather wished he would.

"I mean... weren't you... I don't know..."

"Scared?" Sideswipe supplied. "Hell, yes. You've  _heard_ us. And, apparently, with that security camera thing-" he sighed, "I'd seen what it was like. And then to do that again seemed sort of scary. But, you know..." he gave Ironhide a wicked grin, "I like it. Obviously." He discarded the wrench to pick up a screwdriver from the floor next to him, "What's the second question?"

"You're... uh... yeah, you're not gonna like it much." He fiddled with the wrench sitting next to his hand, "I was also wondering..."

"You're scaring me here, Hide. What?"

"How come you  _hurt_ him so much? And let him hurt you?" Ironhide finally blurted out. Sideswipe didn't look overly angry- then again, Ironhide knew he hadn't been expecting some particular question, the baseline of irritation had been because Sideswipe  _hated_ talking about himself, plain and simple.

"It's exhilarating." He ducked back under the machine. Ironhide rolled his eyes.

"You can do better than that."

"Fine" Sideswipe flung a hand towards the collection of tools on the floor, snagging the wrench he wanted, "he loves me despite it. It's like... a testament to his love for me. It's the same way for him. Because-" He paused, and there was a clanking noise before he tossed the wrench aside again, "It's easy to love someone, and it's easy to hate them. But if you can hate them that much and  _still_ love them, none of that hate matters anymore."

"So you... it's not just some casual hatred? You honestly do?"

"Of course." Sideswipe worked his way back out from under the machine, sitting up and leaning back against it, "I see myself in him. He's everything I hate about myself. When I say I hate him, I mean it. And what's more, that doesn't matter, because I love him more." He got to his feet, wiping grease off his jeans, "And that was two questions. If not more."

"Thanks" Ironhide said absently, still going over the answers in his mind, "You're not saying that it's... better that way?"

"No. Just different." Sideswipe paused at the doorway, "I wouldn't trade it for anything. But then again, I wouldn't trade anything to get it. You get what you get with your sparkmate, and no matter what it is, you can't live without them. What works for you won't work for me. So, no, I don't love him more than you love Prowl. You're comparing pomegranates to peaches."

"Apples to oranges?" Ironhide corrected automatically, but Sideswipe was already gone. Probably off to seek out the Bot he couldn't be himself without, couldn't be anything without.

Ironhide found himself wondering, to no particular purpose, whether it was easier for him and Prowl or for Sideswipe and Sunny, easier to love despite restrictions from each other or love without restrictions, except those from himself.

But, as Sideswipe had said, it didn't matter, because no matter how difficult it was, he was always going to love Prowl.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chris had grown used to the fact that his boyfriend was crazy. It only made Tanner more endearing to him.

And more entertaining, definitely couldn't deny that.

"If I could, I would just  _kill_ those two." Tanner was sulking. Chris looked from Tanner to the spot across the rec room that Tanner was glaring at. There was a cake sitting on the kitchen counter, a mountain of eggshells in the trash, and a new gouge-like dent in the refrigerator door.

"Uh...?" Chris bent to kiss Tanner and then crossed the room. "Something... wrong?" He couldn't figure out what was so offending about the scene before him. He happened to glance at the cake though, and had to keep himself from laughing. The writing of icing read the standard "Happy Birthday Lennox", but, added below that, was another inscription, of "thanks for keeping that dude away from us". "Are you 'that dude'?" Chris guessed, trying- failing, so miserably failing- to keep the snicker out of his voice. Tanner just pouted. "Aww." Chris went back to him, sinking down onto the couch next to him and putting his arms around Tanner, "Neither one's your type anyways." Tanner suddenly laughed.

"I know that. Know who  _is_ my type though?" he asked. Chris arched an eyebrow.

"Ironhide?"

"No." Tanner pulled Chris into his arms and kissed him, "you are. I'm just ticked they'd go and put that on a freakin'  _birthday cake."_ Chris grinned.

"Well, if it counts for anything, I'm glad you aren't with either of them."

"Come to think of it, I am too."

"To think you'd pick a mere human over an alien like that." Chris mused, and Tanner was quiet for a second, not long enough for Chris to notice.

"I got lucky." He kissed Chris again, but didn't say what he was thinking, didn't say he was thinking of the perfect example of a relationship between a Bot and a human, the flawless study of heartbreak it had turned into. Lucky, yes, but in more ways than one.

"Speaking of lucky," Chris said softly, "I'd like to keep this lucky streak going for the rest of my life."

Chris wasn't much of a romantic, Tanner knew that, but because of that, anything romantic he did say could come at any time, and now, it looked like, was one of those surprisingly wonderful moments.

"Know what?" The bottle green eyes met Tanner's, "I'd marry you if I could. And the day that marriage law gets passed... I will."

This was the cue Tanner hadn't known he'd been waiting for, but that box had been burning in his pocket for the past day, and now looked like a perfect time. He nudged Chris off his lap and slid off the couch to sink down on one knee.

"Like you said... if I could, I would." He slipped the box from his pocket and opened it, revealing two simple gold bands, "Would you marry me?"

And then Chris was in his arms and trying not to cry and saying that yes, yes, he would, and it was in that moment that Tanner truly learned that all the rejections didn't matter, because they'd led him to the one, that pride was nothing, if having it tossed aside had allowed him to find Chris.

Compared to what he had now found, nothing else mattered.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

For some reason, Ironhide found himself thinking of time and its passing. The sun was staring to ponder sinking, far from the hilltop where he was in alt form. Whenever he spent time with Lennox's family, time was something he tried not to think about. At the moment, Will was pushing Annabelle on the swing tied to the tree branch, Sarah sitting against the tree watching them, their forms silhouetted against the falling sun. They always celebrated Will's and Annabelle's birthdays at the same time, being within five days of each other. That morning Will, despite being the failure of a chef that he was, had woken up early to attempt cooking, and the pink-frosting cupcakes he had presented an hour ago had delighted Annabelle to no end.

Before meeting Will's family, Ironhide had used to wonder just how much Will loved them. He'd heard stories about how Annabelle hadn't slept through the night, how Sarah had stained his favorite shirt pink in the wash by accident, with countless other horror stories. But then he'd met the two Will referred to as his ladies, and Ironhide realized just how groundless his doubt had been. Much as Will complained, his family clearly meant more than the world to him. It was obvious in everything. From how he'd suffered through over six failed attempts at cooking that morning to waking up over seven times a night when Annabelle was an infant, it was made clear, but it wasn't just that, it was more than just his actions. Even Ironhide, a stranger to everything human, could see that Will loved Sarah and Annabelle more than life itself, that he wouldn't just choose to do anything for them, it would be instinctual, as natural as breathing.

Ironhide could understand why the other Bots had avoided growing even remotely close to any human. He couldn't bear to think about the passing of a century, of two, when every member of his adopted family would be gone. He didn't want to think about losing Will and Sarah, didn't want to think about the day tiny Annabelle would inevitably die. He never wanted to leave this moment, never wanted to see the day when he would be without them.

Despite that, he wouldn't take any of it back, not a moment. He would withstand the inevitable pain, because it allowed him to be there for Will when the soldier wanted to be nowhere but home, to earn Sarah's relieved smile when he offered to babysit Annabelle for a few hours so she could sleep, to hear Annabelle chatter about how when she learned to drive, she was going to go so, so fast, and would he let her do that?

Ironhide had never seen time as something so heart-wrenching before, but now that he had seen all of its unbearable effects, he had reached a deeper understanding.

What made a moment valuable was the very thing that made it, underneath everything else, terribly painful- it was the reality that, one day, it would be over. And that made him value that moment even more, knowing that it would be the last of its kind.

Everything, Ironhide now saw, was bittersweet, when looked at in that particular slant of light.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bee had been trying. He'd been really, truly trying, but, once again, the universe was conspiring against him. He'd been putting forth a genuine effort to force himself back into the casual life he'd had before, trying to forget everything that had happened before the present moment (it was this goal that had made him realize he was doomed before he'd even started) and pretend, at least for an hour or so, that he was perfectly fine.

He was sitting between Prowl and Sideswipe, watching a movie. It wasn't horror, thank Primus, but was more along the lines of a romance. (Ironhide had called it a "chick flick" with a decent amount of grumbling in his tone, but Bee hadn't a clue what that meant, although it had made Prowl hit Ironhide pretty hard). It wasn't an entirely unpleasant experience. It was just him, Prowl, Ironhide and Sideswipe. On his right, Prowl was being his usual susceptible self, tearing up when the girl in the movie was forbidden to see the love interest boy and supplying breathlessly worried commentary about the fate of the two characters. On his left, Sideswipe was hissing about how unlikely it was that the guy would go for a girl like that, that the guy would catch the girl just before she got on the plane, and that, truly, the guy wasn't even  _worth_ all that trouble, and growling whenever Prowl exclaimed how adorable it was.

At the moment in the movie, it was the night the couple had wanted to be wed, but the man was alone and the girl was dancing with another. They hadn't seen each other in years, but both remembered their innocent promise that they would be married when they were twenty-eight, on September twenty-third, on the very terrace she was looking at, over the other man's shoulder.

"She's supposed to be with  _Andrew"_ Prowl was sniffling; Ironhide was doing his best to console him, despite how he thought it was a ridiculous movie.

"It's just a movie." He tried, earning only a glare.

"I  _know_ that, but that doesn't make it any less  _sad!"_

On Bee's other side, Sideswipe crossed his arms over his chest and sank down further into the cushions. "Who the hell can plan a wedding ten years in advance? And in that one place? What if there was a hurricane that year, and that terrace was  _gone?_ And what's the likelihood that she would be right at that one place at that one day? What if whatshisname had wanted to go to the restaurant across the street? What then? She would have forgotten about the stupid garden she wanted to marry Andy-!"

"Andrew" Prowl corrected stonily, "His name's  _Andrew,_ for the love of Primus."

"I don't care if it's Andrew or Andy or even Constantine! The point is, this new guy's just as good! Hell, he's _nicer!"_

"But  _Andrew"_ Prowl half wailed. Sideswipe rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Ten bucks says that she'll run out of the restaurant and he'll be in the garden." he muttered under his breath.

Just as predicted, the movie progressed just like that, but Bee hadn't been paying attention.

He'd been trying to live normally.

But the mistletoe. It was his undoing. Bee didn't want to feel even worse by thinking about what truly tore him apart, but the mistletoe would serve as a surrogate for the blame. Because right before the scene that made Prowl sob and Sideswipe sigh, someone came up behind the couch, and he caught a glimpse of those hated glossy green leaves and perhaps-poisonous berries, before a graceful hand had tilted his head up and lips had claimed his upside-down.

It tasted wrong. It was like in that moment, more of his soul twisted, burned, disappeared in smoke, winding away across the horizon to disappear with the sun, never to be found again. It was the wrong way around and wholly, completely  _wrong,_ and his only saving grace was that it was over after a few mere sparkbeats.

"Mistletoe" The girl explained, holding up the offending plant. Bee just sank down, away from her, amber eyes dark. "You taken or something? I've never seen you around the dorms, so-"

"To sum it up," Sideswipe stepped in, to Bee's relief, "he's taken, gay and an alien, so you'd best be on your way."

"You could have  _said_ so _-"_ she directed the whine to Bee, a useless move.

"Don't even go there" Sideswipe warned, a sizeable threat to his tone, so the blonde huffed and stalked off. Bee just curled up against Sideswipe, forcing back tears that welled in his eyes. Sideswipe slipped an arm around him and said nothing, letting Bee cling and try not to cry. Bee traced one fingertip over his lips, remembering, even though it hurt, hurt more than he'd ever known it would, the last time he'd kissed Sam.

It had been when they'd been discussing, for the last time, what would happen if Bee had turned Sam's heart to a spark. When Bee had confessed that he needed Sam, that Sam kept him human, that he'd turned the entire world upside down, but just by being in it, made it all worth it. That had been when. When Bee hadn't found the strength to tell Sam that if he was wrong, if they weren't Sparkmates, that the spark fusion would kill him, stop his heart and end everything.

Bee still didn't know what had truly killed Sam, what was to blame in his last few moments.

All he remembered was Sam's hand, guiding his.

And that, no matter what, Sam would have died if he hadn't tried.

All that could have changed what happened was if Bee had just saved him sooner. Bee sniffled and tried not to remember Sam's last words to him, words so final, it was like Sam had known he was never going to see Bee again. His last attempt at making life bearable for Bee,  _I love you._

But Bee needed more than just the memory of Sam to keep himself alive.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunstreaker didn't hear the footsteps, but when he felt strong hands on his shoulders, he knew who it was. "What are you  _doing?"_ Sideswipe's voice, followed by a kiss on the back of his neck.

"Looking up transhumanism."

"What? Were you talking to Ratchet again?"

"Yeah. Look- it says that it's about becoming more than human. But…" he sighed, shutting the book, "I don't get what he's trying to do… I mean, I know you said he was trying to bring Sam back, but… what is that supposed to mean?" He turned around to look up at Sideswipe, "Is there more to it?"

Sideswipe sighed. He never could keep anything from Sunstreaker.

"He's doing something a little different from that…"

Even as Sideswipe tried to explain, Ratchet was trying to work through it himself.

Something wasn't working. Something was wrong, and Ratchet  _couldn't_ know what it was. He'd scoured every resource he had, going over and over the words until they were burned into his processor, swimming before his optics whether he was looking at them or not.

He knew what he was looking for now, though, now that an old memory had decided to resurface, and the plan of action it implied was one of the last he'd wanted to do.

Bee needed him. Without a doubt, Bee  _needed_ Ratchet to be with him, because if he left, Bee would lose the bot that was, in spirit if not in actuality, his  _father,_ and if he needed anything, he needed Ratchet so he could keep hold on the fringe of his demolished world.

It was on his thirty-second read of that datapad journal that he found something of use; a name, a vague location, that he'd skimmed over before and dismissed as useless. Certainly nothing to stake a life on.

But, given the circumstances, it would have to do.

All the same, Ratchet hated to leave.

And just after Ratchet had decided what he was going to do, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had just reached the room where, merely minutes too late.

"-but-but-" Sideswipe stopped abruptly, leaning against the doorway, shoulders slumped. "It didn't work." Sunstreaker said nothing one hand on Sideswipe's shoulder, looking into the room.

It was empty, completely empty, like no life had ever been sustained there at all.

"What?" Sunstreaker asked softly. Sideswipe stared down at the floor.

"Ratchet had been trying to save Sam. He hasn't died, not- not yet." Sideswipe drew in a breath, "but… but now… now he has."

The thought that Bee's last hope was gone was too much- like the world was falling apart again, like everything had ended again, like Sam had died again, and, replaying in the back of Sideswipe's mind, like his own lover had died again too, because the experiences were too similar to truly separate.

He could only be thankful that Bee had never known of this last, final hope there had been for him. Losing that would have been too much.

"At least he never told Bee" Sunstreaker soothed softly, pulling Sideswipe into his arms, letting him collapse there, "Bee would have just… been devastated."

"He's really gone. Bee's really lost him."

"At least he still has Ratchet" Sunstreaker said, struggling for optimism, feeling himself almost fall short, "Right? He can keep Bee going. He'll save Bee."

"Yeah." Sideswipe allowed, reassured enough, "Thank Primus for that."

And then, with so little warning, Bumblebee lost Ratchet.


	29. Chapter 29

One century wasn't so long a time.

In a Bot's lifetime, it was like nothing, give or take. Barely a measurable amount in their grand scheme. But time had been feeling endlessly longer to Bee, and every day that passed felt as long as it would to his human self, a self he hadn't been since the day  _he_  died.

He had already lost so much of himself, that last part didn't seem to matter much anymore.

All the Bots just thanked Primus he was still alive. Alive, however, only in the sense that he was still physically there. Emotionally, though, it was undeniable that death was impending, if not already closing in.

Even now, a hundred years later, Bee still looked up whenever anyone entered the room, as if, maybe this time, it would be  _him._

It never was.

Jacob had been practicing the fine art of sneaking into a room. He'd wanted to sneak up on Ironhide and steal back his sunglasses from their new home in Ironhide's jacket pocket, but he'd been given away already. The second his footstep's whisper hit the air, those amber eyes- so haunted, so solemn- had flickered to the doorway. But Jacob was used to this. For the life of him, he didn't know what caused the crushing disappointment on Bee's face every time he looked to see who was coming into the room, but he suspected it was all part of that unmentioned  _something._

He remembered the last time he'd asked; he'd gone to Optimus, frustrated with being told, again and again, that it was "nothing". "Nothing" was the explanation for a mute Bot, a forever vacant apartment, a dormant war, a missing Bot, a locked door in the restricted ward.

"I'm sorry, Captain Lennox" Optimus had said, "I'm afraid I can't speak about it either." That gentleness in his tone was reserved for Jacob alone, and he knew, just like every other Bot, Optimus saw the first Captain Lennox in him. For a while, Jacob had attempted to dissuade them from this view, but it taken a week of that to realize it was hopeless; Jacob looked nothing like his own parents, but everything like Will, his great-great grandfather had been at his age. From what he could gather, in the five generations since the famed Capt. Lennox, many of the boys had showed a lot of the same genes, and Jacob most of all.

Annabelle had used to laugh at how this made the Bots double-take at first, how her nephew responded to the name "Will"; she used to laugh a lot, and he knew the Bots, Ironhide most of all, saw her spirit in him too, the spirit of a family member Jacob had never met.

The Bots had seen the progression of Lennox's family line, had known Annabelle and her brother, their children, their children's children, and, finally, Jacob. Maybe it was fitting, that the descendent who most resembled Will would be the first to join the military and become a Captain too. The Bots seemed to see him as some sort of déjà-vu, déjà-vivait.  _Already lived._ He wondered if his earlier relatives had felt the same, like they were seen as someone they weren't, offered a world already shaped for them, but they couldn't know; they hadn't willingly joined that world, hadn't received the haunted looks.

So for the moment, he had no explanation why Bee looked disappointed to see it was just him. He'd used to take this personally, but had since learned that it wasn't just him, it was every single person or Bot, seemingly in the world.

This glance, however, alerted Ironhide to Jacob Lennox's presence, and he conveniently slid the glasses further into his pocket.

"Why, hello, Captain," Ironhide smirked, snapping him a mock salute. "I'll get out of your way now." Jacob rolled his eyes and held out his hand impatiently.

"Don't pull that rank shit on me. You aren't going anywhere until you give me back my glasses!" He could see this failing already. Ironhide took far too much amusement in using the "ranking officer" defense to conveniently remove himself from the room whenever Jacob wanted something from him. "Besides," Jacob said triumphantly, "if we're gonna go rank,  _you're_ higher up!" The smug grin this got told him he'd picked a useless defense.

"In that case, these are now mine. And that is an  _order."_ Ironhide said. Lennox huffed at that, pulling out a chair at their table and sitting down, arms crossed over his chest.

"Be that way." His gaze slid to Bee momentarily, but, as always, Bee said nothing. Lennox had inquired about that once.

Once, the Bots had said Bee  _wouldn't_ talk, but in the past half century, that had turned to  _couldn't,_ and it couldn't have been more true. If not for the Bots' ability for thought projection, he would have been rendered completely voiceless.

Lennox realized that Bee had silently said something when Ironhide nodded and bid Bee goodbye. Once Bee had left, Lennox turned back to Ironhide.

"So, what've you been up to today? Besides petty theft?"

"Spent this morning begging Ratchet to come back, because that new medic is getting on my last nerve." Ironhide said. Lennox arched an eyebrow.

"Who?"

"That useless guy who walks around with a stethoscope even though half his freakin' patients are  _Bots."_

"No, Ratchet. Who's that? Is he the medic that left?"

"Yeah." Ironhide toyed with the sunglasses in his hand, "He went off about a hundred years ago for some research thing. Hear from him every now and then. He says he doesn't know when he'll be back and won't say what he's doing."

Not that Ironhide hadn't asked. He'd begged Ratchet to know what he was doing, but Ratchet had denied telling. Ironhide suspected Ratchet was trying to learn the medical techniques he'd never gotten a chance to learn from Inlay, the techniques that could have saved  _him._

"But what resear-" Lennox started, but then he heard a door slam from down the hallway, and moments later, Sideswipe appeared in the rec room doorway.

"What is it this time?" Ironhide called out. Sideswipe crossed the room, drawing out a chair and sinking down into it.

"He thinks he's always fuckin' right, but you know what? He's not!" Sideswipe snapped.

"Funny, that's just what he said about you last time."

"You see?" Sideswipe crossed his arms over his chest, "He  _is_ always wrong! And you know what else?!"

"I think I'm gonna have to find out." Ironhide rolled his eyes, but Sideswipe didn't take any notice.

"He thinks 'vettes aren't the sexist car around! He's just- fuck, he's just  _wrong!_ "

"And you're gonna go prove him wrong?" Ironhide guessed, propping his elbow on the table and resting his chin in his hand. "Right?"

"Hell  _yes_ I am!" Sideswipe shoved his chair back again, stalking back across the room and leaving again.

"Whoever said sex didn't solve everything didn't know those two." Ironhide sighed, "because they've been trying to prove it wrong for Primus-knows-how-long."

"Is it wrong?"

"Who knows? No matter how many times they try it, everyone knows they make up beacuse they love each other. Although, someone once said it was all about 'facing."

"And? What happened to them?" Jacob asked, and Ironhide laughed.

"Man, how vicious do you take them for? Chromia said it, and Sideswipe hasn't talked to her since. But she hasn't been murdered or anything."

"And how long ago was that?"

"Umm..." Ironhide paused, "Must'a been about... I'd say six hundred years or so? He can be pretty good at holding grudges."

"Man, you guys have killer memories" Lennox shook his head, "Do tell me you use that for good and not evil, at least sometimes?"

"It can come in handy, I guess." Ironhide said, but, try as he might to hide it, it was obvious he was thinking of something else. Lennox heaved a sigh, putting his face in his hands.

"Not  _another_ thing you guys won't talk about!"

"What're you going on about?"

"Everything" Lennox sat back in his chair, ticking off on his fingers, "There's an apartment that will never, never be rented out, they locked up one room in the hospital even though it's obviously empty, the new medic sucks but no one can get the old one back, and he's still called the 'new' medic even though he's been here for over twenty years, Bumblebee can't talk, and that one time I said something or other to him, he looked at me like I had just told him the fucking  _world_ had ended, all of that! Hell, you guys even freak out if I talk about any of this stuff, so I know it's all related."

"What did you say to him?" Ironhide, as always, picked up on what Lennox saw as the most useless part of his diatribe.

"I ran into him outside the gym, and he said- well, you know, thought-said- that I may as well camp out there because I've been spending so much time there," Jacob said, and Ironhide snickered at that; Lennox had been frequenting the gym because Ironhide had been teasing him about how he used to lack muscle, "So I said, 'well, I'm stronger than you are, show me  _your_ guns.' and-"

"Holy Primus. You didn't." Ironhide was staring at him.

"I did…" Lennox frowned at the horrified look this earned him, "Please, please,  _please_  tell me what's going on, Hide! I keep fucking myself over and don't even know where all these minefields I keep running into are! Please! For my own survival!"

Ironhide sighed at that, thought it over for a while before nodding.

"Fine. But there are rules. First, never, never,  _never_ talk about it. Second, never, never,  _never_ mention it to Bee. Got that?" Lennox just nodded. "There was… there was a human-"

No one had spoken that name, not since the day Ratchet left. Primus knew Bee hadn't been able to.

Lennox listened in silence as Ironhide told him about what had happened, when a heart had broken and a world ended, a human lost and a Bot never again truly found.

"No one's ever talked about him." Lennox said. He'd never heard the name of the human who had held such importance, back in that time he'd never seen but was somehow defining him. "What was his name?"Ironhide looked at him, but like he was looking right through him.

"Sam."

His name hadn't been spoken for lifetimes.

"And Bee loved him?" Lennox asked softly, but Ironhide shook his head no.

"Bee still loves him."

Sometimes, Lennox thought Ironhide and all the other Bots would look right through him, and see back to the time of the first Captain Lennox, and the entire world he'd lived in.

And Lennox knew the Bots all wished they still lived in that world.

zxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Even the most advanced beings fell back on the most archaic methods.

At the moment, Ironhide was swearing up a storm because he'd picked the short straw. (The short pen, to be exact; the original plan had been pencils, but when none could be found, they had taken a handful of pens, and Sideswipe had snapped one in half to serve as the shorter one). Ironhide frowned down at the stain of ink the broken pen had left all over his hand and plotted to replace Sideswipe's alt form's window-washing liquid with ink.

Ironhide, Prowl, the twins, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had snuck into an unused conference room so they wouldn't be found, having received the news from Optimus the previous day and come to the realization that they truly needed to break the news to the only Bot left out of the loop.

"Do I really have to?" Ironhide finally asked helplessly. He glanced at Prowl, standing beside him, but Prowl merely offered a sympathetic, apologetic look and didn't help. Across the room, Sideswipe was leaning back against the desk, next to Sunstreaker, and was likewise silent.

"Someone has'ta" Skids contributed, less than helpfully, as his twin nodded his agreement.

"Besides," Sunstreaker added, "you'd be one of the best to do it, right?" He didn't say  _the best,_ of course. The best would have been Ratchet, the second best Sideswipe.

Ratchet's location had been unknown for a century, and it was highly unlikely that he was going to show up and save Ironhide from having to do the task.

Sideswipe had quietly been removed from the limelight on the situation; it had quickly become obvious to all the Bots, not just Sunstreaker, that dealing with Bee's heartbreak left him reliving his own five centuries of agony, and no one wanted him to break any more.

"Please, Hide. He needs to hear it from one of us, not find out on his own or from someone who doesn't care about him." Sideswipe's plea was one Ironhide couldn't dispute. Sunstreaker was obviously thinking that as well, remembering how Sideswipe had heard his life-ending news from a liar, and slipped an arm around Sideswipe's shoulders, leaning in to whisper something to him and brush his lips across Sideswipe's jaw.

"Fine, I'll go tell him." Ironhide turned to leave the room, tossing the ink-bleeding pen into the trash on his way out, "just make sure no one else gets to him first." The other Bots followed, until only Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were left in the room.

Sunstreaker wanted to ask, but knew asking would only reopen wounds he never wanted to have caused. Outside, rain was drumming against the windows, cold, relentless, even as a sparkbeat.

"Maybe I should've volunteered to tell him." Sideswipe said quietly.

"Would you have been able to?"

They hadn't talked about it in a long time, it might have been years; most of the time, Sideswipe all-but refused to. He would rather pretend it hadn't happened, even though they both knew that it had left him a completely different Bot. Sunstreaker wanted to, but couldn't push the subject, not when he blamed himself. But he desperately wanted to know if Sideswipe was going to ever recover, wanted to know if he'd broken his lover for good, wanted to know how he could make it better in any way.

But Sideswipe never wanted to talk about it, as if he didn't know that his silence on the subject was speaking for him.

Sideswipe wiped away tears, wouldn't look at him.

"No. I-" his voice broke, "fuck. No. I couldn't. But I want to. But I can't- can't-"

This was the evidence Sunstreaker had wanted, but now, now he just didn't. He didn't want to see the pain Sideswipe had gone through, was still going through.

It had been almost a century since Sideswipe had cried about it.

Sunstreaker pulled Sideswipe into his arms, promising through his touch that he wasn't going to leave ever again, that he was going to do everything in the world to make it better.

"I'm sorry." Primus, but it killed him to see Sideswipe cry. The Bot was about the strongest he knew, even emotionally, and he hated that he had the power to cause such heartbreak. The tears that trickled into his skin may as well have been burning, smoldering, for all the pain he felt. He wanted to somehow give Sideswipe himself back, reverse the destruction done by the sparkbroken aloneness, but no one ever could, "I'm so sorry..."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Ironhide stared down at the designs the ink had stained across his fingertips; it was easier than seeing that horrified look on Bee's face, than remembering that the last time Bee had smiled was lifetimes ago.

"Just yesterday" he said softly, "they found another one. A human the Allspark has ingrained itself into. A shard, or something."

The words made Bee stare at Ironhide, wordless.

Ironhide had no way of knowing if Bee's memories of  _him_ were sweet or painful, or if all were forever bittersweet.

[I don't want to meet them.] Bee stated flatly, turning away. Ironhide's gaze remained at his back.

"Bee, it's been over a hundred years and-" and as his voice echoed dimly in the high-ceilinged room of the engineering complex, all at once, just  _who_ he was talking to flashed in his processor, blissfully in time, "-and I know it's been unbearable. We're definitely not asking you to- to start over, or forget him. No one would ever ask you to do that. This isn't... this isn't a repeat of last time." He drew in a breath, couldn't look at Bee, "I'm just saying that there's a human the Allspark has reappeared in. They don't even want anything to do with us. We're just going to meet them, copy it, erase their memory, and let them leave. It's a girl. Her name's Susan. Nothing like him, not at all." He was begging now, like somehow, if he could get Bee to meet the new Allspark human, he would be one step closer to reclaiming himself, "Please?"

[I honestly don't think I could do it.]

"Just think about it" Ironhide pleaded, "Please?" Bee said he would consider it, but no promises were made.

Ironhide almost said  _we all want the Bee we used to know back,_ but that would have been sprarkless.

They all knew Bee wanted himself back too.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ironhide had decidedly avoided any further emotional conflict all afternoon since talking to Bee, and had thought the day would end without further anguish, but he wasn't so lucky.

Prowl had all-but vanished for the day, having been handed the assignment to choose a new software program to update on all the computers, and Ironhide had hoped this would put him in a good mood.

However, when he finally located Prowl back at the Bots' apartment, it became clear that something was wrong. Anyone else, and Ironhide would have balked at dealing with it, didn't want to face another sparkbreak in that dreary, rainy day, but… but Prowl's pain made the world cease to spin.

Prowl was staring down at the envelope in his hands, grey eyes filled with tears.

Primus knew enough tears had been shed that day; Ironhide had hoped, perhaps selfishly, that his own lover wouldn't fall victim as well.

"What's wrong?" Ironhide couldn't see the return address or anything else as he joined Prowl in the sitting room, but somehow, he got the feeling that Prowl didn't see it either. He brushed away a tear on Prowls' cheek with his fingertip, "Please?"

"I just... just realized. It's  _over."_ Prowl shook his head, wiping away tears with one hand, "Primus, I always scoffed at them for getting all upset over a stupid era, but...but..."

Ironhide realized what it was then, that it was perhaps the worst thing that could have befallen them.

The age of paper was gone, the envelope Prowl had found merely a memory of a time before electronic contact, but more was missing, as personalization and human contact faded out of sight until the day now that Prowl realized it was truly gone. Personalization had been traded for efficiency, uniqueness given way to uniformity, and the last planet that had mastered the concept of true human contact was rendered unrecognizable, now just as cold as other faraway worlds.

"I just... it's gone. I didn't even... didn't even realize it, but... but now, no one  _cares_ about anyone else anymore." He bit his lip, tears welling his eyes again, "This was the last planet where all that mattered and now... now it's  _gone..."_

Ironhide had always known it would be inevitable for Prowl, that he would lose a time, and even as Prowl sobbed into his neck, clinging to him so tight it was as if Ironhide was his last link to what was now gone, lost without his last hope for humanity, Ironhide was just thankful Prowl wasn't alone.

"I  _liked_ this planet... I thought.. I thought it'd stay like that forever." His hold on Ironhide tightened, as he felt his world slipping away, further, further, until it was out of reach, where it would always, always stay. "All the people I was working with today... they don't remember it. I don't know if they even know what paper  _is._ I just... I just want  _before_ back..."

They all did. Prowl had finally joined the ranks of the grieving, and Ironhide knew, regretted, but knew, he couldn't have saved Prowl from that inevitable fate.

"We all do, Prowler. But you'll be okay."

If he'd ever had any doubts about how much Prowl trusted him, he never would again, because when those tear-filled grey eyes met his, there was a faith he'd missed seeing for all the time he'd known Prowl. Faith like he could change worlds, or move mountains.

Or ease what felt like, to Prowl, a fatal pain.

"I promise."

But he had to wonder what was truly impossible to promise.

After all, hadn't  _he_  promised to always be with Bumblebee?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_The world was still burning, enough fire to devour everything he'd ever known, and what would have been left then?_

_They had been lucky last time. Last time, the world hadn't ended._

_This time- this time he was now alone, he'd never wanted to be alone, not like this, not after finally finding him._

_But he hadn't been able to do a thing, as fire and fate together destroyed everything he'd ever loved, tore at_ _**him** _ _until there was nothing left for him to live for- and now- now, what was left?_

The room wasn't empty.

He had always thought it would be void of any evidence of life, blank and faceless- but he had never truly imagined he would end up anywhere like here, that things would ever get this bad, that he would be  _here_.

But he had no idea where  _here_ was, just saw all the whiteness, bleeding in from the walls and ceiling and sheets, and heard a hum of computers and the click of keys. When he closed his eyes, he could hear _something,_ singing in his ears, so faint he could barely catch it, but his heartbeat had never sounded quite like that. There was a quick, pulsing pulse, and, as his anxiety rose, so did its pace, faster until the pulses faded into a charged hum. The beeping from a nearby monitor drowned out the sound. Only a voice could truly pierce the smothering cocoon of empty silence, but that silence- how everlasting had it been? He couldn't live in this empty silence any longer. He craved its destruction like never before.

"Sam?"

His thoughts raced, tumbled over themselves, reeling from the assault of memory, and it was all silent, so silent, but-  _where was he?_ He wasn't here, he couldn't be,  _where?_  He couldn't have lost him- but hadn't he already?

That voice wasn't his lover's, he hadn't heard this voice in so long.

_Where? Where? Where?_

"Sam?!"


	30. Chapter 30

It was miraculous.

Ratchet had been studying the tests for hours on end, and his processor still couldn't maintain a firm grasp on just what was happening. That blood could turn metallic, immunity turn self-repairing, a heartbeat turn to a pulse of electricity, it was truly unthinkable.

He had been so short-sighted. To assume such a miracle could occur in an hour was absurd. Why, it took ages and ages for a young Bot to mature- hell, he'd raised a Bot himself, how had he forgotten how impossibly long that had taken?; how could he assume that the entire  _creation_ of a spark would take less time?  
The sign of movement on the other side of the room made him turn.

If only Bee were here.

Ratchet himself had been astounded, and, for a fraction of a moment, horrifically worried when he didn't respond, but now-

"How're you feeling?" He set aside the datapad, looking instead at the living proof of its claims.

Sam looked at him like he was expecting something terrible.

"How's Bee?"

But how to tell Sam of his lover's slow, endless death?

"Sam, I don't… don't quite know what to tell you."

"Is he still alive?!" The monitors registered the rush of charge sent through his- not his heart, no, Sam's _spark._ But for all the changes, he was still the same, those dark eyes filled with the same concern for Bee that had always been there.

"Yes. But…" Ratchet met his gaze, "he died with you."

"Oh…" Sam seemed to take this like he wasn't sure where to go with it, whether to be relieved Bee was still alive, or to be devastated that he wasn't, not really. "Can I see him?"

All the Bots were gone, save for Ironhide. He'd been instructed to stay at the city, for "security reasons" but everyone knew it was because last time, he'd all-but scared the human to death, (cannons were quite frightening to a human who was merely a fraction of the size of the glowing ion barrels) and they didn't quite want to test it with this human.

At first, he was pretty sure he was imagining things. Lack of rest had a tendency to do that; he'd stayed up with his sparkbroken Prowl all night. Prowl was a lot more stable come morning, and exhaustion had become nothing in the light of his smile. But Ironhide never been quite this delusional before.

"Hello, Ironhide." And just like that, Ratchet had reappeared, like he'd never been gone for a century's time.

"Wher-" but Ironhide fell silent, struck speechless, "Sam?!"

"Hey, Hide." That long-lost human grinned up at him- but he wasn't a human anymore, was he? "Where's Bee?" Primus, how Ironhide wanted to direct him just across the street and instantly bring Bee back to life.

"Not here right now. There's a human the spark manifested itself in. They're gonna go make a copy and wipe the girl's memory."

He couldn't elaborate more. Couldn't talk about how the girl was blonde and blue-eyed and everything Sam wasn't, how Bee had started to cry, how Sideswipe hadn't been able to look Sunstreaker in the eye, how the girl hadn't wanted anything to do with them, how in a few hours' time she'd remember nothing, how they'd all wondered, what if Sam had done the same?

"Don't want to risk a repeat of last time, huh?" Sam shrugged, "I doubt the military would take kindly to another issue with handcuffed, pants-less agents…" he shook his head as Ironhide and Ratchet laughed, "When's Bee gonna be back?"

"Tonight."

This was crushingly disappointing for Sam, but he supposed he'd live. He'd waited what felt like a century- what were a few hours?

Agony.

Sam was being driven through the city, wondering if he would have ever found his way back to the hanger if he'd been without Ironhide. Everything was different, everything unrecognizable, he couldn't have found his own home if he'd tried. That it could all change in such a short time astounded him.

"That's the new rec building." The pickup truck pulled up to the curb, and Ironhide's holo materialized outside, "It's pretty cool. You should see it." This new building was all glean and silver, everything sleeker than the old, cozy feel the rec room had boasted before.

"They redid the entire thing a while ago." Ironhide explained, leading Sam down corridors he'd never before seen, could not have navigated through on memory because the hallways he knew were long ago demolished, "It's just as nice, really." There was a crash from a room down the hallway. "Wait right here." Ironhide instructed, "someone put in a new lighting fixture this morning, and I kind of think that was it falling down…"

Sam had always been lousy at following directions. Once Ironhide turned the corner of the hallway, Sam heard a voice from the rec room.

"Hey, my ladies!"

Sam knew that voice.

He peeked into the room, saw a man leaning over a laptop, fiddling with the webcam on top of it. "And there's my little boy!" He didn't even notice Sam, transfixed with the image onscreen. "Hey, baby" he cooed, whole face lit up with his joy, "how are you?"

"Lennox?" The familiar human face was more comforting than he'd ever known it could be, and that smile- there was no doubt that this was Captain Lennox.

But no.

Lennox's eyes weren't that shade, and his hair wasn't that dark, he didn't have a son.

Onscreen was the webcam image of a woman who wasn't Sarah, a little girl who wasn't Annabelle, a little boy who wasn't anyone Sam had ever seen.

And the man before him wasn't Will Lennox.

Sam didn't know how long he stood there, failing to hear the conversation between this man and his far-away family, didn't know where he was until he'd been bumped in to.

"Oh, sorry, didn't see you there." The man said, offering an apologetic smile. Then he laughed, not exactly Lennox's laugh. "Why do you look so shell-shocked?"

"I- sorry, I thought you were-" Sam stammered, searching for words, finding none.

"Will Lennox?" The man said, and Sam nodded mutely. "I'm Jacob. Don't worry, you're not the first to think I'm him."

"But-"

The shock of it all hit him like a wall of leaden water, holding him down and burning through him until the realization was seared into every last nerve so he would never, never escape.

"Hey, guys." Ironhide's hand on his shoulder made Sam's gaze snap up. "I see you've met Lennox, Sam."

"You make me sound famous for being myself." The man smirked, then confusion clouded his features, "Did you say Sam?" Ironhide nodded.

"Hide…" Sam said quietly, biting his lip, "Where's Will?"

Jacob slipped into the hallway, nodding to Ironhide in a silent goodbye, and was gone before either of the remaining two spoke.

"Sam…" Ironhide hesitated, the downright  _fear_ on Sam's face telling him what Sam hadn't known, "Will died a long time ago." Sam drew in a sharp breath.

"How long ago?" His gaze begged Ironhide,  _begged_ him, to say something bearable, some amount of time that wouldn't mean his entire world had vanished into the past.

And again, the best Bot who could have broken this news to him was one who would have all-but died in the process; Bee couldn't have told Sam if he'd wanted to. For all Ironhide knew, that voice was just  _gone._

"Hide, how long have I been gone?"

Ironhide didn't want him to know.

"A century."

"But-" Sam's eyes widened. Ironhide could  _see_ the rush of realization as it hit Sam, see his emotions stagger and fall under the weight, falling and falling into the void between when he'd died and when he'd returned, "everyone's died? Everyone?" The words started rushing and tumbling, his quiet desperation more heart-wrenching than any anguished screaming could have been, "Lennox and Tanner and Chris and Annabelle and Sarah and Mikaela- oh, Primus, Ironhide- my parents?! Did they die too?"

Ironhide just didn't know how to tell Sam what had happened. How could he possibly describe all that had happened- would Sam truly want to know? Would he want to know how his mother had cried and his father had demanded that  _no,_ their son couldn't have  _died,_ how they almost hadn't been able to forgive the Bots for losing him? Would he want to know how his mother had gone to Bee, meaning to blame him and instead realizing that Sam's loss wasn't mourned so deeply in merely mortal hearts?

"I'm sorry, Sam…"

He knew Sam couldn't fully grasp it, not yet, knew Sam wasn't crying yet because the full force hadn't yet hit him. How could he truly understand? He'd never lost the entire world before.

Sam just looked at him, eyes filled with that horrified sorrow, silence saying,  _I really need Bee._

It wasn't conceivable. It was like everything he'd ever known had never truly existed.  _So this is what it feels like,_ Sam thought, numb, frozen, but he knew, he just knew, that all the pain would come later,  _to lose everything._

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sam was surprised to find Sunstreaker without Sideswipe; in fact, he was surprised to find the Bot at all. He was in the new adjoining room to the rec room, this one more of a lounge, apart from the other room that usually housed the rowdier people.

"What're you doing back?" Sam asked. Sunstreaker turned back from the window, and the look on his face was like he'd seen a ghost.

But, Sam realized, too late, he had.

"What're you doing  _alive?!"_

It took some time to explain everything to him, and his only comment was that he was glad Sam hadn't truly died, and that keyed Sam into the fact that Sunstreaker wasn't wholly there.

"Where's Sideswipe?"

This, as always, was the cause to the response he was watching.

"I dunno. Off somewhere." Sunstreaker shrugged. "We came back early."

Sam leaned on the back of the couch, looking over it at Sunstreaker, who was standing before the window, the late afternoon sun casting his shadow. Sam had never thought to wonder if holos had a shadow, but the simple fact that they did made them seem that much more like him.

But he wasn't human anymore either.

"You guys fighting?"

"No. I just.. I can't talk to him." Sunstreaker sighed, "and he can't talk to me." Sam had half come seeking a distraction, but now, he wasn't certain he wanted it.

"What happened?"

He wondered what else could have possibly happened, in that endlessly long chasm he'd been gone for, wondered how he could have  _not known_ all this.

And then realized that, had he kept his natural lifespan, he never would have known.

"It's just… seeing Bee's situation that's just like his was, it made him remember what happened… at first, I really didn't understand how he could get so upset about it. I mean, I figured it's over, so he could move on, but…" He twisted a lock of his hair between his fingers, and, possibly for the first time, Sam wondered if he kept it that long because Sideswipe loved it that way, "I realized that I'd been thinking he was over it, that because I came back, it was like it had never happened, but it's not like that, not at all." He paused for a moment, "He hates me for it."

But the way he said it, it was like there was something wrong. For anyone else, hatred would have been completely out of place in a relationship, but Sam would have been shocked to realized it had evaporated. But for it to suddenly take such a significant place, he realized, was worse than if it had vanished.

"I thought you said he's always hated you?"

"Yeah. But this is different." Sunstreaker said softly, "he's always hated me for being like himself, but this- this, he's hating me for  _me._ He's hating me for leaving him alone. And it's not all over, like I thought it was, and he couldn't even tell me that."

Sam wasn't quite sure what to say to that. He propped his chin on the dark red backing of the couch, felt himself sink into the cushions and hit the hard back of the couch, where all the support came from.

"He has no problem with hating me for everything else, because, really, all he's hating is himself. But this… he couldn't tell me he hates me for me. He thinks I don't know it, but… but I know it hurt him, and I know he wouldn't refuse to tell me something. He never has. Not even that first time I asked him if he felt something for me, when he really, really didn't want to admit it. He's never kept something from me, and… he couldn't tell me this. I guess he just doesn't want me to hate him for real, or know he hates me like that." He trailed one fingertip down the glass as raindrops started pelting it from the outside, the sun already gone, "he's never hated me for myself before. I don't know how he feels about it. For the first time, I can't figure it out… and it's because, this time, I'm not seeing myself in him. I'm… I'm seeing him for who he really is, and I can't understand."

Xxx

Sam felt like a double agent. He'd coerced Sunstreaker into putting his morals aside- it had taken a sinfully short time- and was now watching Sideswipe wander into the empty rec room, sprawling across the couch and starting to fiddle with the TV remote.

"Hi." Sam came up to stand behind the couch. He had the feeling he all-but gave Sideswipe a spark meltdown.

"Sam?! Holy fucking Primus, Sam, you're-"

"I'm not dead." Sam supplied.

He didn't quite catch the whisper of words from Sideswipe, but it sounded like, "it really is the same."

"I haven't gotten to see Bee yet, so I was kind of wondering…" Sideswipe didn't know Sunstreaker was listening. Sam almost thought to stop him, but hadn't that been what he'd come for? Asking Sideswipe directly was useless, but offer something similar, and there was more of a chance.

"Do you think Bee ever thought about moving on?"

"No." Sideswipe answered instantly, but then paused. He was only getting more fidgety, sliding the remote's battery cover on and off, a sleek panel Sam couldn't have hoped to find, slowly nervous fingers skimming over the slivers of battery, unlike any energy source Sam had ever seen. "Not seriously, anyways."

"You think he thought about it? Would he?"  _Did you?_ The question was more obvious in the silence than it even would have been spoken. Sideswipe twisted the slim device in his hands, and there were no buttons to press, just the glossy black surface, no reflection.

"I almost gave up on Sunstreaker." Sideswipe said softly, and Sam could imagine Sunstreaker in the next room where Sam had left him, leaning against the wall by the door and absolutely silent, "I… I hated him for taking  _me_ away from me. I'd always been fine without him before I'd met him, and I just hated that he could take everything away by dying. But… but I couldn't. I couldn't give anyone else what I'd given him, couldn't tell them anything at all, because that belonged to him too." His restlessness continued to spark and sizzle, practically tangible through his ceaseless movements, poking and twisting at the device in his hands, "So, yeah, almost."

"Do you think Bee would ever… recover from that century?"

"I don't… I don't know." He wouldn't look at Sam; he'd heard the silent question there,  _did you?_ The device fell from his hands, laying motionless on the cushion of the couch, "I know there's the chance he'll hate you for it, for leaving him and taking who he was with you, hate you for it because that's what he's always done, hate, and that… that he won't tell you unless you make him." The way he said it, though, with a distant, drifting tone, it was obvious he wasn't thinking of Bee. Bee had never hated Sam; it was Sideswipe who had always kept that holstered emotion with him.

"Why wouldn't he tell me?"

"Because." Sideswipe drew in a breath, "he'd be scared it would mean he didn't truly love you."

Before Sam could say anything, Sideswipe stood, looking at him, "I know you'd never ask me any of that on your own."

Sam swore his heart-  _spark, spark, spark-_ stopped.

"I'd never tell you any of that for no reason. Not when I can't tell him." Sideswipe crossed the room, leaving Sam, and somehow knew just where to go.

Sideswipe found Sunstreaker just where he'd known he would- right next to the doorway. Sunstreaker had slid down to sit on the floor, face in his hands, crying so hard he couldn't catch his breath, silent, completely, completely silent.

He'd never cried over it; he hadn't known there was still something there to die over.

"I knew you'd be listening." Sideswipe could have been talking to himself as he sank to his knees before Sunstreaker, reaching to cup the tear-streaked face in his hands, "I didn't want you to." He'd never wanted Sunstreaker to know.

That sort of hatred, the real kind that poisoned Sideswipe to his core, would have forced Sunstreaker to his knees.

But if they were both there, was that really so terrible?

"I'm sorry." Sunstreaker whispered, wholly broken like he'd never realized, "I can't believe I did that to you." Sideswipe moved to settle beside him, one hand holding tight to his. "I didn't know I could." He had his knees drawn up to his chest, one arm across them, head down, but his other hand was squeezing Sideswipe's hand, tighter. "Why did I have to be that- that-" there was no word to explain how he could have been so essential, so needed.

"Without you, I couldn't remember who I was." Sideswipe murmured, "But with you, I was more than I'd ever been. I guess it's a tradeoff."

Sunstreaker was silent for a while, forcing away more tears and waiting to say what he had to.

"You've never hated me for me before." He finally said, looking at Sideswipe finally, and that was all he had to say. Sideswipe wound a lock of red hair around his finger, biting his lip hard and staring down at the strands. Sunstreaker did keep it long because Sideswipe loved it that way, the same way Sideswipe kept his short because Sunstreaker had a thing for that messy look, because it felt good to make someone so happy in such a simple way. Maybe, Sideswipe thought, it was because he liked seeing the evidence that he wanted to please Sunstreaker any way he could, maybe he liked seeing the proof he loved Sunstreaker.

"I know. I… I wish I didn't. I don't, not really, but… a little bit… but I can't help it, and you can't either…" he averted his gaze again, "I'm sorry."

"Did you mean what you said?" Sunstreaker asked softly. "about being scared?"

Sideswipe wondered how he was still surprised, after all this time, that when Sunstreaker cried, it wasn't for himself.

"Yeah." His throat nearly closed up at the confession, but he forced himself to go on, "scared to fucking death. Since… since forever. It's not… it's not  _right,_ that I'm even  _able_ to hate you." He drew in a breath, forced himself to be strong for the both of them, because Sunstreaker didn't need all that pain resting on him too, like lead over his spark.

"This is who you really are, isn't it?" Sunstreaker met his eyes, dark against darker, "I'm not seeing myself. I'm seeing you. I don't know if I've ever seen you before." And Sideswipe was scared, that much was obvious, "I love you for you."

"But…" Sideswipe's jaw tightened, he looked away, "I shouldn't be able to hate you for you…"

It was then Sunstreaker understood who was before him, who had been there all along. Hadn't he always heard that strength masked insecurity, and pride was where pain hid? But he'd assumed his lover was as strong as he seemed, as infallible as he'd acted, as he'd always been, but he wasn't, he  _wasn't. "_ does that mean I don't love you?"

"Does it?" Sunstreaker's dark eyes were filled with that hurt hope. He'd never questioned if they loved each other, that should have been enough, he'd always thought, it should have. "Because I don't think so." Maybe it would be, for the both of them.

Sideswipe leaned against him, fitting himself against Sunstreaker, and for the first time in their lives together, Sunstreaker was able to hold his lover up because he finally knew the weight of what he felt.

"Thank Primus." Sideswipe whispered, holding tight to Sunstreaker, "I couldn't… couldn't live, couldn't be myself without loving you."

Finally, finally, Sunstreaker could see who Sideswipe really was, who he'd become, who he always would be.

And Sunstreaker loved who he saw.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[No.]

Sam knew that voice. He  _knew_ it- he couldn't hear it, but the thought was being projected, carelessly, into the mind of whoever was listening-

[No, that's not him,  _no!_ It can't be- it can't! I know it can't!]

He sounded so angry. Livid, hissing angry, the anger of someone who  _knows_ they're being lied to, who knows it will hurt if they believe it, hurt even more than he was hurting right now.

[Don't do this. He can't come back. It's been too long. If he was ever going to come back, it would have been a long, long time ago. Not now! He can't come back now, that's  _not him.]_

"I swear it is." Ironhide's voice, the first audible sound the entire time, from inside the hanger. Sam had been standing outside, watching the sun set over the horizon, shadows leaning and swaying across the cement, the sky dyed a blur of pinks and oranges. "He's alive, Bee."

Sam tipped his head back, watched as the first stars appeared, tiny lights among the whirl of colors. They weren't nearly as beautiful as they were in the dead of night.

[It's impossible…] For a moment, he was starting to lose his resolve, just enough for doubt to strong-arm its way past his defenses, but his next thought made it retreat, [No. It's impossible, and it  _can't_ be him. Not really.]

Silence.

When Sam turned, he saw almost-familiar amber eyes fixed on him.

[You can't be…]

Bee hadn't had hope in so long, he couldn't recognize it anymore.

"I am." Sam just watched him, waited for him to accept that he could be himself again, "How else could I know you're a holo and not a human?"

[You couldn't tell that. No one can.]

"I know. But I can." Sam said evenly, "And I know that's not really you."

Bee just looked at him.

 _I haven't been me in a long time,_ his silence was whispering, but he wouldn't say it, wouldn't say anything, because he wouldn't let himself believe the world could come together again.

And then Sam realized.

If this wasn't really Bee anymore, if he wasn't really the Bee who Sam had known and loved so entirely, if his Bee had vanished when Sam had died-

Who was left?

If there was anyone left at all, if anything of him had managed to survive... was he still Bumblebee?


	31. Chapter 31

A century ago, Bee would have deemed this sort of day miserable- he'd nearly gotten lost, one of the twins (slaggers, both of them, did it even matter which one had done it?) had tripped him and he'd fallen into a muddy ditch, he'd had to meet a true pill of a girl who had turned her nose up at them and stated she just wanted their weird alien chip out of her brain and wanted nothing to do with them, and had been drop-dead tired the entire time.

But that was when he had something better to compare it to; in a dragging century of misery, one day wasn't standout.

Now Ironhide had said  _that_ to him, and Bee was positive he couldn't take it. Not today. Not now. Maybe not ever. Hadn't he already decided that? He couldn't feel, he wouldn't allow himself to.

"I swear it's him, Bee." Ironhide held out his hands in a silent sort of offering, as if Bee's entire world could fit between them. Bee shook his head no, amber eyes wide. He knew what would happen. Every time he tried to trick himself into thinking  _he_ would simply appear in the next minute, it never ended well. It ended with him losing another piece of himself, so much he was scared, so, so scared, he'd one day have nothing left to lose.

[No.] He had his back against the wall, looking up at Ironhide. He couldn't remember what it would have felt like, to have true human nerves. He couldn't remember what it felt like to be human anymore. Hell, could he even remember what it felt like to  _feel_ anymore? [No, that's not him,  _no!_ It can't be- it can't! I know it can't!]

If he allowed himself to think it was, to  _believe_ this deeply like he never had before- Bee couldn't lose everything. He couldn't stand to believe it, because he knew  _he_ wouldn't ever, ever come back, and to think, even for a second, that he could- [Don't do this. He can't come back. It's been too long. If he was ever going to come back, it would have been a long, long time ago. Not now! He can't come back now, that's  _not him.]_

"I swear it is." Ironhide said softly, watching him, waiting, "He's alive, Bee."

[It's impossible…]

For one second, one dangerous, dangerous second, he imagined it.

Imagined seeing him, even for a moment, seeing him and holding him and knowing he was still real, just being with him for a moment-

Bee's spark would have shattered, but it was so far gone, all he felt was numb.

[No. It's impossible, and it  _can't_ be him. Not really.]

He no longer knew if it was hope or torment that always led him to look whenever he became convinced  _he_ was nearby. Countless times, he'd sneak over for a glance, and every time, every single time, there would be only emptiness.

Bee slipped around the corner, held his breath, looked out.

His memory had never offered up so believable an image.

Because he could have sworn  _he_ was right there.

[You can't be…]

He  _couldn't_ be. It  _wasn't_   _possible._

"I am." And Bee almost, almost believed it, "How else could I know you're a holo and not a human?"

[You couldn't tell that. No one can.]

It was like a slow-spun panic, seeping through him like tendrils of ice, because he knew that if this time was a lie too, he would be gone, just gone.

"I know. But I can. And I know that's not really you."

Bee no longer knew who he really was anymore, but whoever it was, it wasn't who he was now. Whoever that was had died with  _him,_ and it was  _just impossible-_ Bee remembered  _his death,_ so there was  _no possible way-_

His hologram flickered, faded, faded away, as systems crashed and screamed into overdrive, overwhelmed into the histrionics of looming insanity, part of his processor trying to reset to erase the memory of the past hundred years, straining and forcing him into that forgotten darkness, part trying to give up and offline, violently refusing what reality was trying to throw at him, connections being severed and blocked in a desperate attempt to end the hyperdrive, everything washing over with pain and howling circuitry, until everything shut down in a final stand against self-deterioration.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Well  _that_ was a fucking mistake."

"Which part?" Ironhide asked dryly, and Ratchet could feel the glare on him, "The lying to him, the ditching him for a century, or the shocking him into involuntary shut down?"

"Why don't you quit your ranting and go do something useful?" Ratchet scowled down at the monitor before him, which was beeping pitifully.

"Like what? No one can do anything for him anymore! It's too  _late!"_ He watched Ratchet slam his fist down on the table, said nothing more.

"I know that! Everyone made mistakes here, don't you understand that?! Everyone's to blame for this, including you and me! And don't you think I regret that?! He's like my own sparkling, and now, it's party my fault that he's  _almost_   _dead!_ "

The bluntness made Ironhide shudder. Things couldn't have possibly gone worse; hell, he'd have preferred Bee have some sort of violent, angry reaction. But they hadn't thought. They'd assumed it would be like Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's reunion, but that had been ridiculous- when had Sam and Bee ever been anything like those two? It had been downright  _dangerous_ to assume it would be the same, that they could just shove Bee out in front of Sam and expect the Bot to accept the new turn of events without some sort of catastrophic mental breakdown.

Ratchet was hissing curses to himself, checking the regulating monitors and hating what he saw.

"It was too fast. All logic computing connections have been severed, it'll take time to repair them, and he doesn't have that time."

"Why not?"

"His spark won't hold up that long. He tried to reset, shut down and offline all at once. It's in a sort of- of frozen state."

"Why do you need to repair the logic connections?"

"Because" Ratchet hissed furiously, "otherwise he'll be running on emotion alone, and right now, that would _kill_ him. He's been putting blocks on those  _all this time_. That's why he's held up so long, it's because his emotions haven't even been wholly  _here."_ He cursed up a storm again, checking the respirator monitor, "I thought he refused to be in his human form because it was too much of a reminder, but it's also because he would have had to face his emotions."

"Ratchet" Ironhide snapped, "What the fuck does all that mean?!"

"It  _means_ that when Sam died, Bee put blocks on his emotion connections. Being in his human form would have left him with no way to do that. Has he been sort of... not really here, all this time? Like he's not nearly himself?" Ironhide nodded yes silently. "I should have-  _Primus_ , I should have known he'd do that! That's why he didn't have some sort of violent reaction to seeing Sam again, it's because he's made it so he can't feel!"

"You're getting confusing again."

"He was scared to feel too hurt, so he stopped the emotion connections. But seeing Sam again, all he had was logic, and logic told him that Sam couldn't be alive. I figured he'd be okay, because emotion should have balanced that out, but he didn't  _have_ any. So he panicked, and his logic connections tried to reset him back to before Sam died- if his emotions had been intact, he'd never have done that- and he tried to offline when his emotion connections tried to break free and flood the logic-" Ironhide felt his spark shiver at that, "and then his systems just shut down before he could damage himself too much." Ratchet slammed down the datapad he'd been recording into, "I should have  _waited!_ I waited to make sure Sam would be okay, I waited a whole month after he woke up, but I didn't think Bee would have been this much of an unstable wreck!"

"If you'd been here, you'd have known something was really wrong." Ironhide stated coldly, and Ratchet just glared at him. "He  _needed_  you. You have no idea how impossible it's been for all of us to keep him alive this long."

"I don't see why-"

"You don't see why?! Don't you  _understand_ how agonizing this was? You're as bad as he was, but you're like this  _naturally,_ aren't you? _"_ Ironhide snarled, "All logic and no emotion. We  _couldn't_ help him! We tried, we all tried, but we don't know what to do! We don't know what to look out for, what are warning signs, nothing! Hell, the only one who ever had a shot at helping him was Sideswipe, and we had to force him to step back before he went back to how he was when he was alone! We couldn't know what was going on! How could we have  _known_ that he was avoiding being a human for that reason?! He needed  _you!"_

"Who he  _needed_  was  _Sam_ , and I was trying to bring him back."

"Okay" Ironhide's tone was measured, taut with chained-up wrath, "but now it's really killing him, because that Bot's in the next room  _dying_ right now."

"That  _Bot_ is dying." Ratchet repeated, his tone a haze of confusion, and Ironhide growled.

"Yeah. He is. So you'd better fucking  _do_ something about it before-"

"But that  _Bot_ is dying." Ratchet echoed again, staring right past Ironhide, "Not the human part of him. The Bot part."

"If he dies as a Bot, he dies completely."

"But his  _human_ half isn't dying right now. That's locked away.. safe... all you'd have to do is induce the form switch with the right current..."

"Unstable" Ironhide reminded him darkly, "Locked away, and  _unstable as hell."_

"But alive." Ratchet insisted, pushing past him out of hte room, "maybe that can buy him more time."

"Losing his other self won't help!" Ironhide yelled after Ratchet's retreating back, "He's going to lose everything if you destroy him as a human, too!"

Ratchet ignored him, storming down the hall and into the room across from the one that had spent the past century locked, as if that could have held in the memories.

Xxxxxxxxxx

It takes six seconds for the body to decide what emotion to feel, and ninety seconds for that emotion to be triggered and run its course.

Bumblebee had been lingering between the two instances for the past century; impending grief had been frozen in time, waiting, building up, fighting against the blocks set on the emotion connections in his hardwire.

All it took was one careful charge to force him into his human form, the form he'd abandoned since the day Sam died, and this change kicked the monitors into motion. Ratchet glanced from Bee to the machines he was hooked up to; for a second, the heart rate one was perfect, and then suddenly skyrocketed as Bee came to full consciousness, and almost instantaneously, Ratchet could  _see_ Bee being assaulted by the heartbreaking grief, see as it whipped and tightened around him, leaving him to way to breathe, didn't afford him so much as those six seconds to give him a warning.

"Bee-" He couldn't get another word in, before Bee was clinging to him, thoughts flooding into Ratchet's mind.

 _[Where'd you go!?_ You left! You left and didn't even say where you were going and wouldn't come back- and he's- he's dead, he's dead, he's _dead-]_ Bee was sobbing and shaking and the monitors were howling in protest, badgering Ratchet to  _do something_ before his overly-fragile systems crashed again, dragging him down with them.

"Bee, I know. It's okay, I know. I left, and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but it was all so I could help Sam-" as he soothed over the sound of Bee's sobbing and howling, silent protest of [he died and he can't come back, _what_   _happened_ , I need him, I miss him, he  _died_  and what happened?! Why am I  _here?!_   _Ratchet!_  I don't want to be here! I want him! I want him back and- and I just saw him, but he's dead, he's  _dead_ - _]_ that echoed through Ratchet's mind, Ratchet tried not to make it obvious that he was prepping a needle. "You'll be perfectly alright." This, of course, could be easily disproved by just a glance; Bee's heartrate was racing out of control, already-over-taxed systems reeling towards collapse again, building histrionics threatening to overtake him, but Ratchet wasn't going to think about that. Instead, he tried to still Bee as much as he could- it was hard, Bee was trembling and sobbing and clinging to him.

[He died! He died! Why did he have to die?I can't live without him _,_   _I can't, I can't,_  I _love him,_ he's my Sparkmate, Ilove him, and he died-]

Ratchet managed to line up the needle, though, and within a few seconds, the contents of the syringe were mixing in Bee's blood. A few more seconds, and the heartrate monitor started slowing back to normal, and Bee looked up at him, blinking tear-filled amber eyes.

[I want  _him.]_

"I know." Ratchet gently detached Bee's hold on him, "I know you do."

[I  _need him.]_ Bee was whimpering in Ratchet's mind, intensity falling, even as he started to cry again, silent, heartbreaking tears.

"I know you do," Ratchet murmured, watching as the monitor registered that, finally, Bee was nearing a more stable state.

It was saddening, that a state so fragile and unsteady was now considered to be  _stable._

Ratchet closed the door behind him, leaning back against it.

Primus, but he wanted that sweet, bouncy little Bot back, from the time when all that troubled Bee was a lost toy, when all it took to make him shine with a beaming brilliance was praise.

Before Ratchet could so much as catch his breath, Ironhide had appeared in front of him. "Got him sedated okay?"

"Mostly." He exhaled slowly. "Primus…"

"What happened?"

"Just like I'd thought. He hasn't felt real emotion in a century, so of course he's going to go into hysterics when, suddenly, he realizes that Sam died and left him alone for a century, and that he suddenly reappeared again. I think now, he'll be able to start self-repair and stabilize."

"Can Sam see him?"

"Um… I suppose so." Ratchet frowned down at the empty syringe, "why do you ask?"

"Because he just did. He's waiting with Sunstreaker."

"Ah" Ratchet said absently, "not Sideswipe?"

"Are you fucking kidding? We wouldn't let him near this." He frowned at Ratchet, who clearly wasn't completely there.

"Primus, he's so much  _worse_ than I thought he'd be…" he heaved a sigh, pushing away from the door and starting down the hallway, "Sam is his Sparkmate, no wonder Bee's so lost without him… they only had, what, four years together? That wasn't enough to sustain him…"

"He's gonna be okay, right?" Ironhide hastened to catch up with Ratchet.

"I…" Ratchet sighed. "I really hope so." Conversation stopped when they ran into Sam just outside the doors of the restricted access hallway.

"How's Bee?"

How Ratchet wished he could have a desirable answer for Sam.

"His systems didn't shut down completely. He's asleep right now, but you can still see him, if you want-"

Moments later, Sam had slipped into the still hospital room, and stood just inside the doorway, letting the door click shut behind him. It was even worse than when Bee had done his voice-restoration surgery; then, Sam had known that Bee would be perfectly fine afterwards. He hadn't looked nearly as battered as he did now. The soft hum and continuous beeping of monitors were the only true evidence that he was still alive. One wrist was pierced with a needle connected to an IV, the other to a cable that was hooked up to a machine on the other side of the bed, to a gently buzzing energy source, as the machines on both sides worked furiously to keep both his human and Bot self alive. Sam crept forward, sinking into the chair next to the bed.

"I'm sorry, Bee." Sam trailed his fingertip down Bee's cold cheek, "I'm so sorry… I never thought it could get this bad for you." Tears were starting to blur his vision. "I thought you'd someday get better. I never thought you'd have to… to stop feeling, to be able to keep living. How could you have accepted this? I would have given up anything to save you from all this." He laced his fingers with Bee's, wishing so hard it hurt that Bee would just  _wake up,_ "I heard what you said when I was dying. That we're Sparkmates. So you can't leave now. Not after you survived all that. Primus, Bee… I wish it never got this bad for you… you deserve so much better than this…" How was it possible that he was every bit as beautiful as he'd been before? Was that his compensation? Bee had once told Sam why he thought the Bots were given such beautiful human holos- beauty was compensation for suffering. They weren't humans, not truly, they were beings separated from their entire world with no hope of ever going home. And having gorgeous human forms seemed to be the universe's meek apology for all their suffering. "I'm sorry I left you alone." Sam whispered, holding onto Bee's hand tighter, "but I'm here now… so please, don't go now, not after you've been through so much…"

It wasn't fair, that Bee could suffer through a century, and now that it was all finally over… Sam worried Bee wasn't going to make it through to see it.

"You've gone through so much" he murmured, "Please, Bee. Just one more thing to overcome. Just one. Don't give up now…"


	32. Chapter 32

Primus, but it was like agony, attending to Bee.

The poor Bot had to be kept from knowing that Sam was alive, at risk of sending him into breakdown again. Ratchet felt wholly responsibly for the tense balancing act that the relationship had become. Sam was with Bee as much as he could, and Ratchet had no way of knowing if Bee could hear Sam or not, and every time he saw Sam in the silent room, his spark cringed. Ratchet's plan was to let Bee recharge for most of the time, so internal systems could cycle through repairs, and throughout the past week of this, Sam had rarely left the bedside.

But Ratchet had decided to try to ease Bee back to full consciousness, to slowly reset the logic and emotion connections back to equilibrium, and having Sam there would be catastrophic.

"It's like physical therapy, isn't it?" Sam asked, as he was ushered out of the room by the reluctant Ratchet.

"Yes, that is an accurate description." He didn't miss the sparkbroken look Sam sent back at the hospital room.

"So why can't I stay? I just- just want him to stop hurting."

"Sam, he's far too unstable, it would be dangerous to him." Ratchet tried to soften the description, "his logic and emotion are dramatically offset. If he's running only on logic, seeing you would give him a sort of… mental breakdown, because all the rules say you can't be alive right now. And if he's on emotion… he hasn't felt that in a century. The only way he dealt with the grief was to put it on hold." Ratchet said gently, "and right now, it's all coming at him at once. I just think it would be easier for him to make sure he's back on level ground before shocking him like that." Sam was silent. "Sam, if there's anything I know for sure, it's that your return will be like… like giving him back his entire world. If we could have, would have told him we were trying to save you, but… but if we'd failed, he would have been even more than devastated. He thought you died back during that Decepticon attack. So… we have to tell him when he's ready to hear it. Tell him when he's on logic, and he'll think he's lost his mind." Sam nodded, and, Ratchet was grateful to see, looked marginally less injured, "This time, we're going to do it right."

After Sam wandered away, promising to get some rest even though they both knew he wouldn't be able to sleep much, Ratchet slipped back into the hospital room. The sight was sparkbreaking.

If he closed his eyes, he could still see that baby Bot, chattering and giggling and reaching to be carried.

Ratchet approached the monitors, checked them and was satisfied with most of what he saw. The connections were still haywire, but only acclimation would change that. With that in mind, he'd decided to start the readjustment. He turned down the energy regulation system that was allowing Bee to stay unconscious, and the response was almost immediate, as the electrical charge picked back up and nerves came back into true existence.

Big amber eyes met his, and all he saw was the fear.

Bee hadn't even come around to consciousness fully before he was looking around, taking in the monitors and IV and cables, and the sparkpulse monitor alerted Ratchet when the pace picked up steadily.

[Ratchet?] Bee's voice, projected into his mind, was weak with confusion, [what's going on?] Ratchet turned the energy regulator completely off, and Bee's breathing hitched as the last of his connections hooked back up and brought him back, [Ratchet!] his voice wailed in Ratchet's mind,  _[he's dead.]_

"Bee…" Ratchet sank into the chair Sam had brought to the bedside, "it's… it's been a long time."

[I know… but… but…] tears brimmed in his eyes, [I miss him. I couldn't before but now- why do I miss him now?]

"You… Your emotional connection got turned back on, all at once. Why did you shut it off in the first place?"

[I  _missed_   _him_  and- and it hurt, and now- now it's even worse] Bee hid his face in his hands, shoulders quivering, [I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, he was  _everything_ to me,  _I miss him-]_ His sparkpulse was racing again.

"Bee, you're going to be okay." Ratchet broke in gently, "I promise. I know he's gone, but you're going to be okay anyways."

No words resounded in his mind, because Bee had nothing to say.

When he finally looked up at Ratchet, the words that appeared in Ratchet's mind were quiet and strained, [He's my Sparkmate.]

As a human, Bee had seemed incredibly tiny; when he learned to stand, it was in the palm of Ratchet's hand, and his smile had been brilliant. He was little even as a Bot; Ratchet had never been around a sparkling so much, and had been shocked that he was just so  _little_. Something so little seemed vulnerable, and the instinct to protect was one he hadn't even known he had, until he realized that this little Bot was his whole world, and he'd do anything to keep him safe.

Watching the once-vibrant Bot dissolve into tears again, Ratchet had never felt so worthless.

He'd failed.

xxxxxxxxx

Sam hadn't been able to sleep. He'd given up after a little while; he didn't know if it was because his new apartment was not only in the same place his old one had been, but that the décor was strongly reminiscent of his old one, or whether it was because it had never been just  _his_ apartment. Assailed by the memories and with no way to deal with them, Sam wandered over to the rec room. It had taken a week to convince the Bots that he could navigate himself around in this new century, but Sam himself wasn't entirely sure he could.

On his third try, he located the right building and found the rec room. The military people all seemed to take breaks at about the same time, so the café he found was bustling with business.

Sam was in the midst of trying not to think about everything that had ever happened in the rec room and forgetting his cup of cooling coffee when a voice interrupted his stubborn non-thoughts.

"Hi there, I hate to bug you…" A woman a little older than Sam was standing next to his table, laptop in one hand and a coffee cup in the other, "but I really need to work on something and every single other seat here is taken… could I join you?" she nodded towards the empty seat across from him. "I really need a tabletop so I can type. I mean, I know it's a  _lap_ top, but if there was a  _table_ top, I'd have bought it, but I suppose the name was already taken."

"It's fine. No problem." Sam had about forgotten her question while she chatted. He had the distinct impression that if he'd said nothing, she would have gone on for quite some time. She thanked him and settled herself in the other chair, opening her computer screen and sipping form her cappuccino. "I'm Jessie Morrey, by the way."

"Morrey? Not-" Sam started in, but stopped. "Sorry. I just… thought you're related to someone I knew." The chances of that were slim, he knew. "Thought I knew the name…" Sam trailed off.

"Oh, it's okay, I'm totally used to that!" Jessie smiled brightly, "people always say 'oh, I knew someone back in your family tree'. It's funny, really. At least I don't look like them. Jacob, on the other hand, he's always being told that he looks just like his ancestor. I don't, obviously. Heck, I can't. He's had to tell his story quite a few times. And people find it so funny that we get along. Something about past conflicting personalities? I'm not really sure. But he's really quite pleasant. His wife's a close friend of mine. And their children- gosh, they are the cutest! But anyways, he's had to retell his story a few times. So people know where he's come from. And, really, I think  _my_ story's just as cute, but no one thinks to ask. Because I don't have the same looks. But I like the story."

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Way back, it's our legendary love story, really." Jessie smiled, green eyes sparkling, "you know how every family has some stories they love to retell and retell and retell? Well, ours has to do with the reason people ask about my family."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. When I was little, my dad told me that story. I've heard it hundreds of time." She sipped from her cappuccino, then her eyes lit up, "Wanna hear it? It's about the cutest thing ever."

"Sure…"

Sam was starting to get a headache from the rush of chatter, but he couldn't hold it against her; he would have found her pleasant, if he hadn't been in an already-tense mood. Jessie hadn't noticed, though, launching into the story Sam wasn't clear on how they'd come to talk about.

"So, a long time ago, two boys were in the military. They were in the special opps team, which is the bravest, strongest team in the whole military, and was run by a really great Captain, who was the best at his job and looked out for his teammates. One day, one of the boys heard that, maybe, the other liked him. So, that boy and his friend decided to find out if it was true. He and his friend hid under a couch in the rec room, hoping to hear something about it. We don't really know why they stayed under the couch when the boy wasn't even the room, but they stayed there for a while."

Sam's spark cried out in agony, but he said nothing.

"Well, nothing happened- until suddenly, the Captain lifted up the couch! And gosh, they were just so surprised! And who else was in the room, but the other boy, Chris! They went on a date, and they fell in love. They couldn't get married yet, but that was okay, they loved each other so much that waiting didn't matter. One day, the boy was in the same rec room, pouting because two of the Bots had written something on a birthday cake about him, about how they didn't like him a lot. His boyfriend saw it and laughed, and said he was glad they were together. Chris said he felt lucky they'd met, and that he wanted to keep that luck for his whole entire life, and that if he could, he'd marry him. It turned out that Tanner had a ring for him already, but had been waiting for the perfect, perfect moment. And that was it. So he got down on one knee and proposed. And of course, Chris said yes. And when they finally, finally got married, a few years later, they were so happy. They adopted a baby boy, and that is how our family came to be!" Jessie beamed.

Sam was struck with silence.

Hearing what had happened after he'd died… that realization was so beyond anything he should have felt, so beyond human rules, that he felt more alien, more  _Bot_ than he ever had before.

"God, I love that story. I'm going to tell it to my kids. My fiancé says it's a funny fairy tale, but he likes it too."

"We stayed under the couch because Bee and Prowl were talking, and we didn't want to just jump out into the middle of the conversation." Sam said, "and then after they left, Lennox came over and lifted up the couch and asked what the hell we were doing. Tanner-" his throat almost closed up at the name, "said we were playing hide and seek. Chris just showed up, and Lennox told them to go flirt somewhere else, because he couldn't hear the game."

Confusion clouded Jessie's face for a moment.

"Are you…" Green eyes brightened, "Sam?" He nodded, and couldn't even say  _yes_ before she'd rushed on, "Oh, wow! I'd heard you were here, but I didn't think I'd get to meet you! The Bots all talk about you. Well, they don't all, and not all the time. They kind of won't talk about you- I always thought it was so sad, how your death was so hard that it still hurts them. And sometimes they talk about you. Well, except Bumblebee. He's very nice and all, but I don't really know him. He doesn't talk anymore. I mean, I assume he used to. I've never heard him talk. I guess- I guess that has to do with you?"

"I… I guess." Sam was having trouble just getting a grasp on everything she'd told him, "He doesn't talk?"

"Nope. He does that thought-throwing thing they can do, you know?"

"Yeah…"

He knew. He could still remember the first time he'd heard that silent way of speaking. And now, to know that his death had left Bee in that forced silence… Sam wished there was some way to give Bee back that century he'd lost, when he'd lost himself.

Regaining the time would never happen; Sam could only hope that Bee would be able to find himself again.

Even that felt like a lot to hope for.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"How was he?" Sam jumped up from his seat in the hallway when Ratchet motioned for him to come back into the room, "better?"

Sam had asked the same exact question every single time. It had been nearly a month that Ratchet had been trying to help Bee sort out his connections, and every single time, the progress seemed so minimal.

Sam hated how time seemed to have frozen; he was alive, and he just wanted to really have Bee back, but all that time, Bee thought he was still dead.

It was the worst kind of agony, watching Bee mourn his death.

"A little." Ratchet stepped back to let Sam in, closing the door behind him. Sam gravitated instantly to Bee's bedside, standing there and looking down at the motionless Bee.

"How much is 'a little'?" Sam traced his fingertips over Bee's hand, remembered the delighted look when they were holding hands in line for that club- but memories hurt far too much to dwell on. Bee's skin was much, much colder than it should have been. He'd always radiated heat, and Sam wondered what had been happening internally to make his bed heater so cold. Primus, but he missed how Bee would curl up next to him. He was so clingy when he slept, it was the cutest thing in the world.

"He knows he has to let his emotion and logic connections balance out. I think he's almost there, if not already, it's just… difficult to tell whether he's balanced yet. Even if he is… he's still going to be upset, because he still thinks you're dead. I have to figure out where balanced is… and where his new balanced state is. Because he'll never be truly balanced, not when he's this upset…" Ratchet watched Sam's light touch to Bee's hand, knew how much Sam just wanted to hold Bee again, know he was still real, "I just wish I could tell him that even though he's mourning you… you're not really gone." Sam nodded slowly, gaze never leaving Bee. Bee was shifting around in his sleep, just like he'd always done when in bed next to Sam, never a still sleeper. Sam had gotten excited before, thinking Bee was coming back, but Ratchet had explained that Bee's body was trying to throw off the monitor's stabilization, and resist the unconsciousness lock, and it was more of a resistance reaction than anything else, because he'd just started to lighten the lock. "Soon, though."

"I miss him…"

When Ratchet left the room, Sam sank back into his chair, Bee's hand clasped gently between his. "I know you're right here," Sam whispered, "but you're not really you right now.

It's been an entire month since I've gotten to even talk to you… and I hate that you have to go through all this, and do it all at once." He stared down at the IV needle, and even though he'd seen it every single day for a month, the sight still made him shiver. "And… Primus, Bee, I  _miss_ you…"

He didn't notice when amber eyes flickered towards him at the sound of his voice.

[But I'm right here.]

Sam's gaze snapped up to Bee's face. Bee was watching him, calm because he couldn't think straight, given the energy-regulator that was trying to resist his wakening. [I am myself now. Right?] The words faded out of Sam's mind for a moment as his own thoughts raced to catch up, because  _Bee was here,_ [But… I don't know.] The tone was quickening, hitched with upset, [I don't have anything of me left.]

Bee had forgotten how tears stung, forgotten the burn and ache and the loss of control, [I don't know who I am anymore. I lost myself too. I don't  _know_ anymore…] his silent words were desperate and pleading, begging for some sort of escape from this  _nothingness,_ [I don't remember.]

"I do." Sam was whispering, and his voice, soft and just for Bee, was every memory he'd ever had, and his spark trembled and keened with the memory of every word Sam had ever said to him, all the once he hadn't had to speak, "I remember. That's all I could do. I remember how you're quiet and can still say everything, and I remember your smile, and how you'd laugh, and when you apologized and when you cried and how you hated the outlet behind my bookcase, and how you got lost on the way to my house and how you just suck at being a human sometimes, and how you loved me and how I loved you."

 _You remember, and I can't?_ Bee's hand's hold on Sam's tightened, scared he'd ghost away before Bee could lock him into his memory, never forget him. He couldn't be here- Bee couldn't accept it- he had to be _imagining it._  He just had to be.  _He'd seen Sam die._

[I'm sorry… I'm not myself anymore, and- and-] tears stung, how many times had he cried recently? It felt like he was always, always reeling, drowning, couldn't escape, [When you go, I'll still need you.] He tried to pull away, pull his emotions away, he didn't want them back, he wanted them to go away again, but Ratchet had said that would hurt him, [I don't want you to see me cry over you.] Because he was dead. And Bee just _missed him,_ missed him like he'd lost himself, because he had, missed him even more, because it was worse than that.

"Haven't I already? I'm not going anywhere." Sam murmured, "And you know what? I see the Bee I love right here. I'm right here, Bee. And I'm not going anywhere."

A silence, for all the words he hadn't been able to say.

Connections found their proper places again, the voice in Bee's mind that was screaming that  _it was impossible_ started to quiet, the emotions that threatened to drag him under starting to still, stop spinning and whirling, until everything faded into silence and finally, finally left him alone and left him almost himself again.

And then Sam heard that voice,  _Bee's_ voice, just for him, just because of him, as he watched Bee come back to life, right before him, far more miraculous than Sam's rejuvenation, because Bee had been farther gone than he had ever been.

And then the silence was broken, the silence that had spanned century of nothingess, because, finally, the emptiness had been banished by the rediscovery of that lost meaning, that had fallen into the void when that spark of shard had seemed to come too late, the void that had become all Bee had, when silent screams had brought nothing but more darkness, no meaning, none to be found anywhere but with Sam, Sam, who had vanished into the emptiness between their worlds.

Silence.

Broken.

" _Sam!"_


	33. Chapter 33

Sideswipe always knew when Sunstreaker was hating him, wishing it was someone different he was with, when he wished he couldn't see himself in Sideswipe so damnably clearly. It was when Sunstreaker pushed him against a wall with little warning, when no words were exchanged. It was when he felt so  _used,_ just like this, that he knew Sunstreaker was hating him the most.

No doubt, Sideswipe thought, he'd just committed some accidental sin that Sunstreaker hated himself for exhibiting.

Sideswipe let Sunstreaker at his exposed neck, Sunstreaker's hands trailing over him, pressing him into the wall. Thoughts drifted, reviewed his recent actions, hearing irritated growls when his attention split. Sunstreaker's touch was leaving a trail of fire down him, kisses and bites that made him gasp and squirm for more.  _What did I do?,_ thoughts still attempted coherence,  _something, something- he's using me for some reason-_ One of Sunstreaker's hands hooked under his knee, then the other, as he leaned back against the wall, arching up, moaning at Sunstreaker's ever-hot touch-  _used, used used-_ legs wrapping around Sunstreaker's waist, hands pulling him closer, pressed against the wall-  _he hates himself-_ faster, more insistent, drawing unbidden groans from his lips-  _he hates me-_ hands grasping at Sunstreaker's shoulders, fingers clutching for a hold-  _hates himself-_ rough movements against him, hard, angry kisses-  _hates me-_ held onto Sunstreaker tighter, head hitting the wall, gasping for breath-  _hates hates hates because of what I did-_ a strangled sort of moan, feeling over-sensitized and disgustingly easy, but he couldn't  _help_ it, and wasn't that what he hated the most-  _because it's what he does-_ writhe and arch and everything stung of fury and spite, as he was suddenly lowered, none-too-gently, grip loosening on Sunstreaker's shoulders, to stand, turned and pushed against the wall,  _-he hates that he does it-_  hands moving to his hips, holding him in place, lust and pain mingling, flirting, interloping, becoming one-  _because it hurts to hate yourself-_ and it  _hurt,_ it hurt like hell, but had it ever felt sweeter than it did at that moment?-  _and he knows that, because he does it-_ penetration like pain, like pleasure, like nothing else, writhing and gasping because it was  _too slow,_ pushing him to the edge of sanity, the edge of control-  _does it every day-_ and finally, thrusts quickened and deepened, and he knew, one shift of angle, and he'd be gone-  _and I know that hurts-_ and he was groaning when Sunstreaker's angle changed and then he was crying out in a desperate sort of plea, nearly screaming, so soon and so unfairly, and he hoped Sunstreaker was damn pleased with that because he sure as hell wasn't, he felt  _used,_ but-  _it hurts a lot to hate yourself-_ but didn't he always do the same right back?

They would cycle and cycle and cycle around, and now, panting and gasping for breath, finally meeting those dark eyes, "I don't care what you think," Sideswipe managed, "but I swear I love it when you're selfish. Even if you don't." Because that was what it had been about. Because it was easier for Sunstreaker to use his lover instead of hurt himself. Sunstreaker leaned forward, kissed him with an apologetic gentleness.

"I'm sorry." The softest of whispers, as Sideswipe leaned back against the wall, drained and overwhelmed and unreadable.

"Don't be." Maybe Sunstreaker would be like that forever, always tense at the sign of potential clash, "I want more later. You'll pay."

A soft laugh, and everything was balanced again between them.

"Sadistic whore. Anything for you." Another swift, sweet kiss of apology, and he was gone.

One little act of perceived selfishness- Sideswipe couldn't help with the inventory- and when Sunstreaker heard that without believing the preceding explanation- Sideswipe hadn't had recharge in far too many hours, and had long ago used up the last of his energy, had, in fact, been heading to bed right that minute- it had seemed like selfishness.

And Sideswipe knew just how much Sunstreaker hated the prominence of that trait in himself. Maybe that was why they were Sparkmates- they were perfect matches, as far as shameful traits went. Sideswipe let Sunstreaker use him, hate him for being selfish. It was for the same reason Sunstreaker let Sideswipe take out anger on him, anger with being short-tempered and emotionless, for the reason that hating someone else was easier. Someone else could forgive; Sideswipe couldn't let Sunstreaker hate himself, he'd never forgive himself.

A short time later, he was curled up under blankets, wrapped around Sunstreaker and absolutely unwilling to move at all. "You really haven't recharged in a long time, have you?" Sunstreaker murmured, as Sideswipe shifted closer, one knee between Sunstreaker's legs, one arm around his waist, and he mumbled some sort of confirmation. He made a sort of purring murmur as Sunstreaker's hand circled over his bare back, rubbing gently, "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault I can't sleep."

"I mean... Primus, I'm sorry I didn't believe you. You're not... you're not selfish..." Sunstreaker mumbled. Sideswipe nuzzled against him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

Sometimes, he swore there was nothing else in the world so absolute as how much he loved Sunstreaker. It was the one steadying force in his life, just like how Sunstreaker had always felt like the only constant he had was his love for Sideswipe.

"You don't have to love yourself. I'll do it for you."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was unreal. It was almost like returning to that long-gone time, and even though everything was better now, Sam knew none of the Bots would deny the desire to return to that simpler time.

It was back before Sam had died, before Bee had lost himself, before Sunstreaker realized his lover hated him, before Sideswipe was forced to show instability, before Prowl's spark broke over an era.

But there was one saving grace- the present time wasn't as agonizing as the century between the missed past and present had been.

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

In fact, the present had the same ring to it as the past had, a faint, reminiscent echo.

"YOU  _SLAGGING_ -" Ironhide didn't appreciate being scared to death. He'd opened the door to the rec room, and Jacob, sitting right inside the door, had given him the same roaring "Boo!" as the last six people to enter the room. (Sideswipe was still sulking about screaming).

Jacob just grinned up at Ironhide and drew back his legs to let the Bot walk through the doorway. "I swear to Primus I'm going to kill you" Ironhide grumbled, stalking by. "Prowl here?"

"Just went to inventory." Sam tilted his head back, looking over the back of the couch. "Couple minutes ago."

"Prime needs to stop giving him that job..." Ironhide rolled his eyes, staring back out, "he takes  _hours..."_

Prowl was, as predicted, taking inventory in the medbay.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" Prowl hadn't so much as turned around when he'd heard Ironhide's cheerful greeting. "Besides staring at me?" Primus, but Ironhide loved that smirk.

"I happen to enjoy this." Ironhide crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against the wall, "You look great like that."

Prowl just rolled his eyes, shoving his shirtsleeves up to his elbows again. "You need a life."

"I'm watchin' it."

"Primus, you're pathetic" but he couldn't hide the smile. Before Ironhide could say anything else, though, they heard voices from outside the window of the room.

"Where's Sam?"

"Hardly recognize his voice." Ironhide murmured, leaning to look out the window. Bee was just outside, talking to Ratchet; Bee had just been admitted from the medbay, and had sent Sam to go be social while he talked to Ratchet. "It's been so long."

"Primus, but it's great to hear you talk again" Ratchet swept his sparkling up into a hug, "he's in the rec room, last I heard."

"You know," Ironhide said thoughtfully, leaning against the wall, attention back on Prowl, where it so belonged, "Prime was talking about something earlier."

Prowl cocked his head to the side, curiosity on his face.

"He'd been talking to Ratchet about how he'd raised Bee like Bee was his own sparkling, and, well, Prime said it seemed to have helped Bee a lot. You know, having a-there's an Earth word for it... parent. Like a parent."

"Yeah?" Prowl ticked off an item on his checklist then set the clipboard down, wandering over to stand before Ironhide, "that's nice. Bee seems to have turned out well-adjusted and all. In spite of everything."

"Yeah. That's what Prime said. That if Ratchet hadn't been there, he might've had a harder time. And that it was just nice, that Bee had someone for support and all. So Prime said that, well, the whole sparkling-has-a-parent thing is great."

"That's nice." Prowl arched an eyebrow. "Does he want to have another Bot sparked or something? Easy enough." He was right; all it took was a shard of a pre-established spark, metal, and some fusion that medics learned as the first part of their training, all technical. Bots were, after all, mechanical beings, with control over many things, life itself included.

"Well, yeah. He thought it'd be a nice idea. So, he talked to Ratchet and all and Ratchet liked that idea, of course, because, you know, he raised Bee and it was really beneficial for Bee..."

"You're going in circles." Prowl informed him. "Is there something else?" Ironhide blushed crimson. He was as good at planning and being logical as Prowl was at being spontaneous. (Prowl failed at being spontaneous, all the planning-ahead killed the spur-of-the-moment atmosphere, but Ironhide didn't mind at all, just found it unbelievably sweet and so very  _Prowl_ ).

"Well... I understand if you don't want to, but..." Darker crimson, and Prowl watched with anticipation, "maybe that sparkling could be..." Hadn't all this speechlessness cost him time before already? The reminder that speaking out earlier would have let him be with Prowl sooner was always a good motivator, "could be ours?"

The idea had been perfect in his own mind. The soon-to-be sparkling needed to be raised, adopted and loved; Prime was too busy, Ratchet had his hands full with Bee, so the question had turned to couples, but that hadn't yielded promising ideas either. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker would be borderline catastrophic as the pilot for sparkling raising- maybe later, Ratchet had said, when they were calmer, more stable, and, he'd added, barely disguised as a cough, saner- and Sam and Bee seemed too young at the moment.

Ironhide would love to share that experience with Prowl, to share something so wonderful and so utterly life-changing, but he'd known that there was the significant chance that Prowl wouldn't want so much to deal with. His Bot was overwhelmed so easily-

And then Prowl had flung his arms around Ironhide's neck, crying, words tumbling, "I'd love that, Hide, I would, I really would, can we? Oh, can we, I want to raise a sparkling with you, I'd  _love_ that!"

"I would too, Prowler." Ironhide murmured, hugging his lover tight, "I really would." He released Prowl for a moment, brushing away tears he hadn't noticed. "Primus, you're supposed to be the sensitive one..." Prowl just laughed, rising up to kiss him. "I still hope the sparkling's as cute as you."

"Mmm, you'd better hope so" Prowl nuzzled against him, "hope he's not as stubborn as you though."

"I think it'd be great."

"You would." Prowl grinned, kissing him. "You really want to do this?" Bright, shining eyes, and Ironhide couldn't imagine what he would have done, if Prowl hadn't come back to them.

He would have never known completion.

"More than anything, Prowler."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bee crawled up into Sam's lap, settling against his chest. "He's just like Will, isn't he?" he murmured, as Sam circled him in his arms.

"Exactly the same."

As they spoke, Jacob was scaring the living daylights out of Sunstreaker, and receiving a rather brutal punch for it.

Bee cuddled against him in silence for a few moments, head on Sam's shoulder. "You miss everyone, don't you?" he asked softly, looking up at Sam. Sam half shrugged.

"I..."

Miss them? It felt like someone had torn away his heart- and they had, because it was literally  _gone-_ because his parents, Tanner, Will, Mikaela,  _every human he'd ever known,_ was gone.

He'd have said he was the last human left, but he wasn't. Not anymore.

"I guess so."

"Regret it?" That soft, deep murmur, leaden with the hauntings of despair, but how could Bee not know? Every word he said reinforced Sam's feelings on it.

"No." No, not when he knew he would have died anyways, not when he would have lost people no matter what life he lived.

Not when he was here right now, hearing Bee's voice and staying with him. He missed them, yes. But he didn't regret living on for Bee.

He'd wondered, for a moment, if it would be unbearable. Staying in the hospital overnight, he'd discovered something. Bee talked in his sleep. He hadn't used to, but as Sam had lain awake, he'd discovered this new tendency. Maybe, over the past century, this was when his inner self became frustrated with the empty silence, forced words into the silence, even if he would never remember speaking them. Sam had had one arm tossed up behind his head, the other holding Bee to his chest. Bee had been practically on top of him, so deeply asleep Sam doubted a tornado could have woken him, like he hadn't slept in a century and that was partly true.

 _"missed you, missed you, missed you..."_ Bee had mumbled in a content little hum, snuggling in closer, blankets sliding off his shoulders. Sam had reached to pull the covers back up and in doing so, jostled Bee enough that he woke up, yawning and instinctively holding tighter to Sam.

"Why're you awake still?"

"Just thinking."

"'bout?"

"Just... how different everything is."

And Bee had looked at him for a moment in silence, "It gets easier." He'd murmured, threading his fingers between Sam's, "and even though sometimes it's not... you would have missed it if you hadn't lived longer."

And now, Sam wasn't regretting anything. It may have been easier to accept his natural lifespan, but he would have missed... everything. He would have missed everything Bee was now. He wasn't exactly the same as he'd been when Sam had died, but he was still, completely and absolutely, Sam's Bumblebee.

Sam would have missed all of that.

"I don't regret any of it." He murmured in Bee's ear, receiving a sweet smile in return. "But know what I think I would regret?"

"Hnnh?"

"If Hide comes back and thinks we're Jacob's accomplices or something." And Bee snickered at that, jumping up and pulling him out of the room by the hand.

"I've got something I'd rather be doing anyways." The devilish smile told Sam exactly what Bee was thinking.

Outside, streetlamps had been switched on, casting a bright light unlike what Sam had used to know. He would have expected most everyone to be heading for bed- to recharge, he kept having to remind himself, not sleep, but  _recharge-_ but even so, they heard voices from inside the medbay. Sam recognized Prime's voice, tugged at Bee to stop for a moment.

"But  _Saaaaam"_ he whimpered, amber eyes full of begging, lower lip sticking out in a hopeless pout.

"Just a moment" Sam squeezed his hand, and pulled him towards the open door.

"-risky?" Prime was saying.

"Less so than the alternative, I'd say." Ratchet's voice, then. Sam's mind tried to hook their words up to explanations, found nothing. Beside him, Bee was trying to peek around the doorway.

"Yes. A very valid point. The alternative has... unpredictable results. Did they agree to do it?"

And for one terrible moment, Sam's spark about stopped, too used to horrible news. Bee's grip on his hand tightened, horrified eyes telling Sam everything.  _I couldn't go through something else terrible, tell me that's not what they're talking about ._

"Well?" Optimus's voice.

"They'll do it. I just spoke with them, and they're more than willing."

"Great!" Optimus's voice again, with a sort of joy that surprised Sam, but still couldn't chase away all the foreboding, "that little sparkling's lucky to have such great Bots as parents."

Sam swore his spark skipped a pulse

"Sparkling?!"

Both his and Bee's exclamation was far too loud to keep their presence concealed. Laughter could be heard from the next room.

"Eavesdropping, I see." But Optimus just laughed as the two caught eavesdroppers slunk around the doorway. "Yes. Prowl and Hide are going to raise the new sparkling."

"When?" Bee's eager voice made Sam smile, relief all-too obvious.

It was like they'd forgotten what good news felt like, and all that deprivation made this, already something phenomenal, even sweeter.

"Very soon." Ratchet said, "Although they'll have to decide on a name, first, and Primus knows that could take ages."

The good news had lifted already soaring spirits, as Bee continued dragging Sam back towards their apartment. As soon as they'd closed the door behind them, Bee's lips were on his, tongue probing for entrance. Sam pulled him in closer, welcoming his every touch.

"This can't be good for you. Just out of the hospital" he managed to say, even as he led Bee back towards the bed, Bee laying kisses to his neck, purring with delight.

"I wouldn't care even if it wasn't. Do you have any idea what it's like, to not have you for a century?" He let Sam guide him backwards, sinking down on the bed, "I thought I would die." The bright amber eyes met Sam's, more honesty in the statement than Sam had ever been led to believe.

"I thought you would too" He murmured, climbing up to kneel over Bee, sliding a hand up Bee's shirt, "Primus, but I've missed you." And it felt just like before, but so much more. As he pulled Bee's shirt off, felt Bee's fingers working at the buttons on his own, it was hard to ignore the gap between the last and this time. Hard to forget that he'd died and come back and Bee was a century older, but still so, so young, in the Bot perspective that Sam still struggled to decipher and adopt.

But Bee still made the same delighted sound when Sam kissed his neck, the same desperate moan when he took agonizingly long to work Bee's jeans down, the same hot skin beneath Sam's hands, same taste to his lips. And nothing had changed at all.

"Still so fragging good at this, I see" Bee whimpered, as Sam took his sweet time, " _nnnngh-"_ And he still looked just as hot, writing at Sam's touch, gasping and moaning. Sam rocked his hips up and into that tight heat, reveling in Bee's impassioned cry at every motion.

Just as nothing had changed, everything was renewed in feeling, every sensation stronger and brighter, like every faraway star was suddenly so much closer, and when Sam's scream twined with Bee's, it was like there had never been time between them.

Bee still curled up to recharge in the same way, fitted against Sam, warm weight constant, steadying. Sam slipped an arm around him, that body arching closer at his touch, always responding to it.

"I love you." The murmur slipped through the silence like a silken ribbon, the voice that had been silent for as long as Bee's had been. Bee made a little humming sound, pressing a kiss to his neck.

"I love you too." There was a brief silence. "Hey, Sam." Bee's voice in the darkness, soft, "I want to do that someday."

"The sparkling-raising?"

"Uh-huh." Bee murmured, "Maybe in a few years or so. What do you think?" Sam wondered for a moment if, at that very moment, Prowl and Ironhide were lying together, whispering about sparkling names, found it absolutely effortless to imagine himself and Bee just like that.  
"I think I'd love that."

He leaned over, closing the gap between them, and kissed Bee gently, all the silence saying everything he couldn't possibly put into words.  _I love you_ never would have been enough, beacuse it was so much more than that. So, so much more. And when Bee looked up at him, Sam knew. It may have taken more than a century, may have taken the breaking of hearts and crying of tears and devastation of entire worlds and seemingly endless periods of absolute silence, but he knew.

The meaning in their silence was finally clearer than any words they'd ever said. It wasn't just " _I love you"._  It was everything they'd ever done and all the time they had together because of it.

The void between their universes had vanished, bringing two distant galaxies together with the caress of bliss to bind them forever, for the eternity that spanned between their shared moment now and until they reached every distant star.

The time that dazzled ahead meant more than anything else ever could.

It meant  _everything._


End file.
